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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to distance my family from this man because of one outburst?

84 replies

EmmalinaC · 31/08/2010 13:13

Here's the outburst...

DH and I and our DDs aged 4 and 1 were out walking in Hurtwood with a friend and his two DDs aged 4 and 2. It's a managed forest and is popular with hikers, dog-walkers, mountain-bikers etc. We've only known this family a few years but because they lived close by and our daughters are similar ages we beacme close very quickly. Anyway, we were all straggling along the track - DH and I up ahead with the younger girls, our friend behind with the two 4-year-olds - when 5 young lads on mountain bikes came toward us. DH and I stepped aside, they thanked us, I called back down the track that bikes were coming through. Our DD jumped on to the verge, his 4 year old DD stopped walking in the middle of the path. As they passed by she gave an almighty scream - eveyone believed one of them had hit her. The lads on bikes stopped to check if she was okay but before this could be ascertained, our friend, her father, grabbed one of them by the scruff, fist raised, screaming obscenities at him, threatening to kill him. The lads were terrified, the daughter still screaming. I established that she wasn't hurt 'just frightened' but still he ranted, screaming at them all to fuck off again and again, until they all did, visibly shaken. And then our friend said to his daughter 'it's alright darling, you know Daddy will always protect you'

DH and I were stunned that a grown man could be so aggressive towards teenagers in front of small children, who were visibly shaken. If it hadn't been so horrible it would almost have been funny.

He later apologised to me for swearing but frankly it's not the language that bothered me - I'm sure they've heard the word 'fuck' before - it's the complete loss of control and subsequent justification of it to his daughter.

DH thinks I'm being a bit PFB about the whole business so I thought I'd check with MN. Am I being unreasonable to not want my children spending time with this man? Or should I give him the benefit of the doubt and put it down to a bad day?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 31/08/2010 14:22

Barmy I would not act like a complete loon, especially when there was not act of violence, she was just scared. The cyclists could see them so would not deliberately run them over, they sounded very nice and not of the violent pursuasion. I would only see the wife, have her over to yours, see them when her husband is not around.

OrmRenewed · 31/08/2010 14:23

"The lads on bikes stopped to check if she was okay but before this could be ascertained, our friend, her father, grabbed one of them by the scruff, fist raised, screaming obscenities at him, threatening to kill him"

Nope. I could never see myself doing this. Ever. Especially over a non-incident of this nature. How could it ever be acceptable?

Mishy1234 · 31/08/2010 14:24

YANBU. This man obviously can't control his temper. You can't trust him not to do it again.

Keep WELL away.

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/08/2010 14:28

I cannot imagine myself for a minute grabbing a teenage boy round the neck, shotuing and threatening to kill.

Not in a million years.

'mite' excessive? Really?

The act of an agressive bully, imo.

Good luck to those daughters when they hit teh rebellious teenage years, that's all I can say.

booyhoo · 31/08/2010 14:28

yanbu how could you trust his temper with one of your own dc.

i would be distancing myslf.

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 31/08/2010 14:28

YANBU. Do stuff with the children and the mother without him, but stay well clear of him.

A "mite" excessive to grab a child (teenager, perhaps, but not an adult) by the scruff of the neck, raise a fist, scream obscenities at him, and threaten to kill him because he had cycled too close to your daughter and then stopped to see whether she was OK?

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 31/08/2010 14:29

Apart from anything else, I agree -- what happens when your DDs fall out? How will he react to your DDs then?

LadyBiscuit · 31/08/2010 14:31

I wouldn't want anything to do with him. Whoever said that you're running the risk of your DC ending up on the wrong side of his rage if there's a falling out with his princess is right. We're not living in Eastenders fgs

booyhoo · 31/08/2010 14:34

barmy this doesn't sound like protecting his DD. protecting her would have menat lifting her out of teh way of teh bikes. he xploded. there was no threat of violence, the non-incident had occurred. tehre was nothing to protect her from at that point. he lost his temper plain and simple.

Minxie1977 · 31/08/2010 14:34

YANBU - I'd give him a 'telling off', point out all you had a problem with and that you will not tolerate that behaviour EVER again. He sounds so insecure he'll prob not want to spend time with you again - either way it's solved. Someone should put this bully back in his box - depends if you want to try and do it!

Janos · 31/08/2010 14:41

If he's like this in front of people, (because he clearly isn't ashamed of his childish, aggressive behaviour, though he bloody well should be) I wonder what he's like behind closed doors?

Janos · 31/08/2010 14:42

Also, he's lucky not to be an assault charge.

booyhoo · 31/08/2010 14:44

tbh i wouldn't be surprised if he gets a visit from the police soon. if it was my son i would have reported it.

MrsDepp · 31/08/2010 14:55

janos- "If he's like this in front of people, (because he clearly isn't ashamed of his childish, aggressive behaviour, though he bloody well should be) I wonder what he's like behind closed doors?"

This.

My dad would've done this to anyone threatening his kids. Thing is, he would have done exactly the same to us (and worse) for whatever childish misdemeanour had pissed him off this time.

I think YANBU to keep away from this man, but you would be VU to lose contact with his wife and kids because of it. They might need you one day.

OrmRenewed · 31/08/2010 15:05

What was his reaction afterwards. Did he seem embarrassed? Or self-justifying?

Ephiny · 31/08/2010 15:08

I agree many parents would resort to violence to protect their children...but, the boys weren't threatening his DD, they'd stopped to see if she was OK. Even if one of them had accidentally clipped her with his bike (which they hadn't, sounds like she was just startled) assaulting and threatening them after the fact wouldn't have been of any help to her.

Yes if someone was actively trying to hurt his DDs it would be understandable, but that wasn't the case.

I'd avoid him as far as possible, what happens if you or one of your DC do something to offend or upset him oneday?

Original poster

EmmalinaC · 31/08/2010 15:12

Initially, he was self-justifying. I gave him the cold-shoulder for the rest of the walk as I was speechless and didn't want to bring it up in front of our children. Once he noticed this he tried being all 'matey' with me and eventually he apologised 'for all the swearing'. But I didn't know what to say.

MrsDepp I know you speak from experience but I desperately want you to be wrong

OP posts:

Janos · 31/08/2010 15:14

:( MrsDepp.

That's what I thought.

gtamom · 31/08/2010 15:17

There is something wrong with that man, I'd steer clear.

bottyburpthebarbarian · 31/08/2010 15:19

YANBU - and those poor boys - they stopped to make sure she was ok and everything.

What will he do when her first boyfriend breaks her heart? Or he catches them shagging in the back of a clapped out awld car?

I feel sorry for his wife and kids.

LadyBiscuit · 31/08/2010 15:21

I was thinking the same as MrsDepp to be honest but was trying not to get too heavy.

Janos · 31/08/2010 15:21

Emmalina - I also agree with keeping a line open for his DDs and wife. They could need your help one day.

This behaviour reminds me very much of my exbf (who I have posted about before this week). He would overreact to to situations and lose his temper disproportionately - in front of me but never directed at me and I remember very well how it made me feel.

Anyway I won't go on about that as it isn't my thread but IME this kind of behaviour usually escalates so you are right to steer clear.

smellmycheese · 31/08/2010 15:26

YANBU. From what you have said he sounds like a horrible agressive man and I wouldn't want my DCs spending time with him.

However, although it doesn't sound like this is the case here, it is possible for perfectly normal people to flip and lose their temper when they think someone is threatening their children's safety.

I'm not aggressive at all, but when dd was 6 months old, some teenagers in a car were too busy showing off and turning up their music, and drove straight into the back of us. I can honestly say I went mad. I got out the car and was ranting and raving about 'fucking twats in their cars' and 'my baby is in there, you little prick!'
Afterwards, I couldn't believe that I'd been that agressive towards someone!

I had no excuse other than i just flipped when i thought someone may have hurt my baby.

Desperatelyseekinginspiration · 31/08/2010 15:28

I would actually be very concerned for his daughter.

My friends Dad was like this, extremely protective of my friend to the point of being obsessive. I found out from her years later that he had physically and sexually abused her for years.

While I'm not saying this is the same thing, it would concern me given his obvious lack of self control.

diddl · 31/08/2010 15:33

He sounds awful although the whole thing sounds a little confusing.

Why did his daughter stand and scream?

Why did everone think she´d been hit-how fast were the cyclists going?

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