to not want to take my young DC to visit DH's parents abroad?

[meettheparents]

DH's folks live abroad - namechanged and don't want to out myself so wont say where but its culturally very different to the UK with not much infrastructure.

We have 1 pre-school DS and another one on the way soon. We have visited them once with DS but only for 1 week and we stayed in a hotel in a local holiday destination, so it was just PIL and DHs siblings, not the whole extended family!!! This was fine, as I felt it was on our terms and I could retreat to my hotel room with DS when it was all getting a bit much for him.

We haven't been to visit since and DH is understandably homesick.

He wants to visit as soon as possible after the new baby arrives (3 months or so...) which I am not happy about for so many (perhaps irrational) reasons which I will list.

Please help me to see if IABU!!!!!!!

1. Baby will not have had all its injections and will not be able to have the additional injections recommended for this region (too young).

1. We will have to stay with family (due to £) and therefore will have nowhere to go when it all becomes too much.

1. People smoke in front of children (it is normal) even inside in enclosed spaces. I would not be able to stand this.

1. People chew on khat as a passtime which is actually a anphetamine like stimulant and I have seen people giving a little bit to children as well. Mu DHs cousins do this all day long and you can see it in their eyes. I would not want my DC to witness this but it is a part of their culture and I would feel very uncomfortable asking them not to.

1. I feel it will cause a lot of strain on mine and DHs relationship for silly little things. These would not have bothered me pre-DC but now I am a mother they have become and issue.

1. We can't afford to rent a car so we will have to borrow one from DHs brother. The car won't be properly maintained etc and I will worry that this is not safe for my DC to travel in. Again happy to travel like this pre-DC but not now. We will need a car to travel around visiting people. A looooootttt of people die in RTA in this country as roads are very poorly maintained and cars do not have to pass a raodworthy test or anything.

1. I would not be able to let my DC out of my sight for a second due to my paranoia of risk of kidnapping. I would not even feel comfortable letting DH take DS off on his own as I don't think he realises the risk (my DS is very white skinned and this is a black country).

1. My DH will want to go out with his mates etc which I don't object to at all, but I will be left with 2 children in somebody elses house. It was fine when we were in a hotel last time.

That sums it up. Thank you for reading all this - very long I know. I am working myself into such a state about it!!!!!

So AIBU to not want to go? Should I suggest DH goes alone? It will mean we don't go on a "family" holiday together if he does as we won't have the money and he won't have the leave from work. DS hardly sees him as it is as he works shifts so I am reluctant not to stay together and he wants his family to see the DC which I do understand.

YANBU. I think the injections, and the car safety, and the drug taking - each would be a deal-breaker for me.

Is there no chance that important family members (PIL) can come to see you instead?

Or hotel for a week instead, as before?

YANBU

I would say they are welcome to visit us, but the children are not going there.

I would rather DH went on his own if he feels the need to, as long as he realises it's at the cost of having a family holiday.

Given the age of your dc's I don't think yabu. It is tricky for your dh though. Could you suggest he has a short trip to visit his family for now and start saving for family trip (to a hotel) when your new dc is a bit older. He could take lots of photos and video of the dcs. Do they have internet so Skype and webcams are a possibility?

We can't afford a hotel for a week sadly, 3rd world country but suprisingly expensive hotels - all priced in US$ :(

I have suggested we pay for PIL to come to us but as he has such a large family (4 siblings + their partners, children) and a lot of close cousins, he says he wants to see them all. Not to mention his friends too...

When we went with DS last time, we went to a tourist resort primarily for the reasons I have listed above which meant only seeing immediate family as they had to meet us there ( 7 hour drive) and so he hasn't seen other relatives/friends for like 4 years now.

I understand how you feel but I'm afraid YABU.

Some of us come from less salubrious parts of the world. If you marry someone like that you accept it will form a part of your dc's heritage and they will be exposed to it. Sorry but that's just the way it is.

It will be awful for your dh to feel that you consider his family, his country and basically his whole childhood so unspeakable that you are not prepared to expose your dc to it even for a couple of weeks. :(

I send them lots of photos/things DS makes at nursery/email video clips to SIL and ask her to show them etc but I never hear much from them tbh. They do speak English but also their own tribal language.

They never send DS anything for b.day / christmas as this is not their tradition.

Bloody hard.

I think you're just going to have to tell him that, this time, he has to go alone.

It sounds like a hellhole.

I know ib this is why I am posting this....

I feel awful about the whole situation. If it was just me and DH we'd be there all the time, well not all the time lol its a 10hr flight! But now I have the DC I feel so protective towards them.

But I guess it won't kill them. Maybe I should suck it up and go.

You probably have to go at some point, these are your children's family, and they presumably can't all come and visit you, but you could reasonably put it off at least until the injections are done.

And you need to stand your ground on road safety - insist on child seats roughly equivalent to UK standards.

What does the Foreign Office say on the security/kidnapping issue?

DilysPrice would absolutely take car seats (although these are unheard of locally) but its the car itself I worry about!!!!!

I would not have married someone from a place like this for the reasons ib mentions.

Can you split the cost of your PIL visiting and then go later when your youngest is a little older? I think 6 months isn't unreasonable. I really wouldn't worry about the khat - the children won't know what that is.

But all the other things are going to be a worry whether your children are 1 or 10. So I think you're going to have to bite the bullet on just saying that if you're there for a really short time, the risks are slim, otherwise you're basically saying you're never going to let your children go to their dad's country and that's really not fair on them or him.

Oh god I should not have looked at the Foreigh Office website :(

I'm not going to copy and paste as this will make it easy to search where I am talking about but suffice to say there is a risk of kidnapping, car-jacking is common and Westeners are trageted.

I understand, but the reality is that none of it is likely to damage them on a two week holiday. It's OK to insist on things like car seats when they wouldn't bother even if they are a bit about it, but to just reject them wholesale? :(

The reality is that they may well have a lot to offer your dc - even if that is not material things. It would be a shame to cut them all out of your dc's lives, I think your dc will lose out if you do.

I agree with expat, but you have and there we are. I wouldn't go either.

It might kill them - babies that are born there are born into it, your baby can't be given enough immunity.... frankly I think it's too risky health wise, let alone being white children & car safety etc... it all sounds unsafe and horrible... tell DH to go alone.

Sounds like Yemen.

Why did you marry this guy and have three kids with him if you knew his family was such a big part of his life and you'd need to visit there often?

I'd have left skidmarks.

yanbu - just the injections is a valid reason not to go! surely dh can see this?

i would save up and go when you can afford a hotel and DC are old enough for the right injections.

That is true where I come from as well, meettheparents. And I personally know a few people who have had that happen to them.

But the chances of it happening on a two week holiday if you are sensible (not going to the more dangerous places/doing the more dangerous things - your dh's family will know what they are!) are still very low.

And bad things happen in the UK too.

It won't be a particularly fun holiday for you, but then you aren't doing it for you!

expat I married him becuase I love him and afterall, we live in the UK. At the time I did not have children (obviously) and perhaps didn't think about how differently I would view the world once they came along....

It does not change the fact that DH and I love each other though surely and we have made a happy life together?

We do not have to visit there often - perhaps once every 2/3 years and as my children get older I hope it won't be such a big issue for me.

If we could afford to hire a car and stay in a hotel this time then I would have less reservations, but the fact is taking a 3 month old baby ANYWHERE longhaul would be a mission.

We have been once post-DC and it was fine, but the location will not be a small tourist place but the capital city this time with all the added risks that involves.

YANBU.

There enough reasons there to deter me if I were you.

You're not rejecting his culutre, you're just being cautious when your children are a a very young age.

Surely he can understand your issues with this? Just because he's from there, it doesn't mean he wouldn't recognise the problems with bringing small children there.

Well, have a nice trip!

expat I'm not saying you're advice isn't valid, I'm just saying I don't think this is about if I should have married my DH or not!

I don't think you are unreasonable to be cautious. My friends did not take their children to see her family abroad until they were over 2. I think the health reasons are the main concern. I am sure you could check online for possible problems with very small children in the country (yellow fever? malaria? insect bites.... probably quite a long list) and convince your dh that you can't possible put their safety at risk? I would suggest again to let the PIL visit and promise to go when the children are a few years older...

There are many reasons to not go, and this does not come under a prejudice or a racist thing. Your LO will not have all the jabs, the road safety is shit/non-existant and there is drug use in the house that could affect/take in your eldest DC.

Fuck me. YABU to take them, not the other way around! There are three ways to compromise. The first is to wait until you can afford a holiday like the one you had last time. Close family members can come to visit you and your DH can travel to see the friends who can't make the trip while you and the LOs stay at the hotel. The second solution is for your DH to go alone. Third is to have a couple of family members to your home here.

Personally, I would take option one. That way, the DCs get to go to the country and see where their dad grew up, but you stay reasonably safe at the same time.

Do not listen to people who say you are being unfair with your POV on this. Your DCs safety is paramount, that must come above all else. Best of luck sorting this out.