to not want to take my young DC to visit DH's parents abroad?

[meettheparents]

DH's folks live abroad - namechanged and don't want to out myself so wont say where but its culturally very different to the UK with not much infrastructure.

We have 1 pre-school DS and another one on the way soon. We have visited them once with DS but only for 1 week and we stayed in a hotel in a local holiday destination, so it was just PIL and DHs siblings, not the whole extended family!!! This was fine, as I felt it was on our terms and I could retreat to my hotel room with DS when it was all getting a bit much for him.

We haven't been to visit since and DH is understandably homesick.

He wants to visit as soon as possible after the new baby arrives (3 months or so...) which I am not happy about for so many (perhaps irrational) reasons which I will list.

Please help me to see if IABU!!!!!!!

1. Baby will not have had all its injections and will not be able to have the additional injections recommended for this region (too young).

1. We will have to stay with family (due to £) and therefore will have nowhere to go when it all becomes too much.

1. People smoke in front of children (it is normal) even inside in enclosed spaces. I would not be able to stand this.

1. People chew on khat as a passtime which is actually a anphetamine like stimulant and I have seen people giving a little bit to children as well. Mu DHs cousins do this all day long and you can see it in their eyes. I would not want my DC to witness this but it is a part of their culture and I would feel very uncomfortable asking them not to.

1. I feel it will cause a lot of strain on mine and DHs relationship for silly little things. These would not have bothered me pre-DC but now I am a mother they have become and issue.

1. We can't afford to rent a car so we will have to borrow one from DHs brother. The car won't be properly maintained etc and I will worry that this is not safe for my DC to travel in. Again happy to travel like this pre-DC but not now. We will need a car to travel around visiting people. A looooootttt of people die in RTA in this country as roads are very poorly maintained and cars do not have to pass a raodworthy test or anything.

1. I would not be able to let my DC out of my sight for a second due to my paranoia of risk of kidnapping. I would not even feel comfortable letting DH take DS off on his own as I don't think he realises the risk (my DS is very white skinned and this is a black country).

1. My DH will want to go out with his mates etc which I don't object to at all, but I will be left with 2 children in somebody elses house. It was fine when we were in a hotel last time.

That sums it up. Thank you for reading all this - very long I know. I am working myself into such a state about it!!!!!

So AIBU to not want to go? Should I suggest DH goes alone? It will mean we don't go on a "family" holiday together if he does as we won't have the money and he won't have the leave from work. DS hardly sees him as it is as he works shifts so I am reluctant not to stay together and he wants his family to see the DC which I do understand.

BabyGiraffes all the health risks you have mentioned are are risk...

FWIW I have said we will pay 100% for PIL to come and visit us - I would love this. They have been here once before (pre-DC) so I'm sure they would be in agreement but its DH who wants to visit the rest of the family/friends and obv we can't spend the money twice over.

DH won't wait (I don't think) as it will have been 3 years since he last went so I think if we don't all go he will have to go alone (2 weeks rreally as so far to go for 1 week) and all the money will be gone.

Such a horrible situation and makes me look like such a spoil sport!!!

OP - does DH share your concerns?

Surely you must have discussed taking your hypothetical children there when you got married?

The drug taking had me saying no, even without all the other factors

Better to look a spoil sport than to lose a child to malaria.

YANBU. I agree with the poster who suggested (this time - as the baby is so young) putting what you'd have paid for flights towards his parents coming over and going to visit them next year when the little one is a bit older.

Alibaba (great name!) no I don't think DH does share my concerns really as for him its not "staying in a stranger's house" - it's staying with his sister. He's going to be the one going out with his mates, I'm going to be left at home with the babies. For him it's quite a good deal!!!!!

And when I mention the health risks he says that so many babies there don't have vaccinations and we will never be far from the hospital

Things have gone downhill in his country to be honest and there has been a lot of political unrest in the last couple of years. It says on the FCO website that car-jacking and kidnapping has been on the increase since 2009. We did discuss the implcations of having children, that is why we live here and not there as we both agreed it would be impossible to live there with youngsters. Perhaps if we did live there I wouldnt be so worried as I would be used to the situation.....

Yes indeed mumblechum

For DH it's his home and I think he finds it hard to see how dangerous it might be for our young children.

Perhaps I need to spell it out a bit more?

He should just go alone - I don't think he would have a problem with that. It's just such a shame I don't think he would forefit that and PIL come over insead as I would really like that and so would DS.

MTP - yes, there are lots of children there, but they are born into it and will have a lot more natural immunity against things there than your son who was born here.

I'm guessing the country is Yemen,though I know that you don't want to say.

YANBU. I wouldn't feel safe there myself, or in any country that's as described,and certainly not with children.

I realise that you'll probably have to take them at some point,though I'd be extremely reluctant, but I wouldn't be willing to risk so many diseases with such young children.

Do his parents have the necessary finances/means to visit you?

The thing is, it isn't just a visit to see family. I would be unimpressed at going to stay with my ILs in Somerset if DH was intending to leave me to look after DS + newborn and be out on the lash and possibly taking drugs. And I get on with my MIL really well.

This is more about you not having matching expectations for the trip, and if he wants to go and visit and live the single life for a fortnight then it's better that he goes alone.

FWIW I'm with expat on this one, I can't see that I could have married a man where there was such a huge cultural barrier.

Yes, there a lots of children in third world countries, partly because the parents know that some of them won't make it to adulthood.

ChippingIn I think my DH is somewhat blinded by his homesick-ness!!!!

He said he was going to do some research online so perhaps he will come to his senses?

I kind of feel like I am badmouthing his country of origin but last time we purposefully waited until DS was over 12 months so he could have all the injections he needed and I think that becuause that trip went quite smoothly DH thinks we can just go whenever.

This coupled with the fact that we haven't managed to go for the last couple of years due to lack of funds/other commitments.

My dh's parents are from Nigeria and I'm massively relieved that he's never shown the slightest interest in going there.

mumblechum it's somewhere very similar.

This thread is making me incredibly :(.

I'm the one from the undesirable country. Have only been back once since we had dc. I feel it's really overdue, but for dh there is never a good time to go....

Maybe he feels like you all do. He was much more willing to go before we had dc.

I think yanbu at all. You married him, not his extended family and background and presumably you live in an environment significantly different to that in which he grew up.

You are not denying your DCs half their heritage by not visiting now, there is plenty of time for introducing them to his homeland when they are older.

The indoor smoking and drug use would stop me without all the rest but no way would I go where jabs are recommended with a 3 month old. I take on board your OHs opinion that young babies there won't have had jabs but they may have got some immunity from their mothers & in third world countries the child illness & mortality rate is higher than first world.

He can go on his own if he's so homesick - I would wait until you can afford to repeat your previous trip. When your kids are older and can understand smoking, drugs etc. then maybe do the whole immersive family thing - you're more likely to enjoy it then.

That said I'm not sure I'd ever enjoy it!

On the balance of things, meet, he'd have to go alone, IMO.

He thinks it's a good deal because he's going to strand you with three little kids alone in a place where you don't speak the language and people are around you and the kids smoking and using drugs.

Okay.

Then he goes alone. I mean, same difference if he's going to be going out all the time and leaving you behind. Better you do that here in the UK.

Sorry, ib. My dad's folks are from Mexico and he has dual nationality. He loves it, but the reality is that it's no longer safe to go back to their native state with young children due to cartel violence and kidnapping/murders in broad daylight, etc.

If her DH can't see that, he's better off going on his own.

Especially as he was planning to go out and party anyhow and leave her holding the baby. Literally.

YANBU.

Number 1 would be a complete dealbreaker for me

Agree with all the others with the possible exception of 7 (think these things sound worse than they are, but I don't know the local situation).

I've travelled all over the world. I would not consider going to a country myself without all the relevant jabs. I'm now innoculated against virtuaaly anything that can be innoculated against. On this basis I would think it completly irresponsible to therefore take a baby without the recommended jabs.

Friends of friends took a baby to an African country (don't want to name) to visit relatives. The baby got maleria and died. These things do happen.

FWIW, I know your situation is different but before DD my husband and I visited all the places we were desperate to see but were't prepared to take a small child for lots of the reasons you have outlined above.

Coming back to my earlier point - a lot of the issues you raise are still going to be issues in 2/3/5/10 years' time. You're not going to care about the wellbeing of your children any less if they're 7 and 5. You need to have a really frank conversation with your husband and I think you may have to compromise somewhere down the line.

Your DH needs to think long and hard about how he would feel if anything happened to you or the DCs - you say that you both felt that it was impossible to live there with children - does he think that these issues will go away for the 2 weeks you are there?

YANBU. I wouldn't do this in a million years, though luckily I don't have to even think about it.

ib I'm so sorry this has made you :( You must be very homesick and miss your family. That is why this is not an easy decision for me as I know DH wants everyone to meet our lovely DC.

But on balance, I am going to suggest he goes alone and we do a similar trip to the one we did a couple of years ago to a safer tourist area and if necessary, pay for his parents to stay in the hotel with us. Might take a while to save up though!!!!!!

If my baby got malaria and died I would NEVER be able to forgive myself and tbh I would NEVER be able to forgive DH either.

That is it. It's too much of a risk.

Next time he mentions it I will suggest he goes on his own. I might push for only a week which would mean we could go on a mini holiday here as a "family". We have a friend in Cornwall who is always asking us to visit so this might work on a budget.

I don't know if it's becuase I am pregnant and have hormones all over the place but I am feeling very emotional about this and very protective over my DC.

Thank you for everyone's advice. Going with the majority, I don't think IABU.

The issue of the jabs would do it for me I'm afraid.

Is he missing home generally rather than wanting to take new baby to meet the folks? If so then send him alone.

I'm married to an overseas national - cultural expectations become more marked once kids come along as ils naturally have a vested interest in the offspring of their offspring.

Going to visit someone elses family is never going to be a holiday for you (my dh also leaves me at mil's while he goes to see friends), however it's something you're going to have to factor in so that the kids can build a meaningful relationship with the gps.

The idea that you marry someone of a different culture and therefore should be more understanding is dubious - they also married you and your cultural background should also mean something. You're going to have to work something out between you that covers all bases without putting your family unit at a disadvantage.

Don't do this time - you're clearly not comfortable about it. Your dh sounds like his missing home rather than wanted to show off new baby so send him on his own for a bit of r&r and then get dh to get his extended family to club together to get tickets for pils to come and see the new baby. It's unreasonable for him to fork out for the entire family.