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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think they were wrong to have sex?

109 replies

happychick2010 · 29/08/2010 19:55

i recently went away with OH and kids and some friends of ours with their 10 year old daughter. We stayed in a travelodge which are quite big rooms. Anyway whilst we were away our friends were celebrating their wedding anniversary and had sex whilst their daughter slept in the same room.

I dont know if its me been old fashioned but i could never have sex with my children in the same room at the age they are now.

AIBU?

OP posts:

EveWasFramed72 · 30/08/2010 08:36

Traumatised??? Really??? I just don't get that, I'm sorry. Maybe my parents talked to me enough about sex between married people that if my parents had ever done such in a hotel when I was that age, I would have rolled my eyes and rolled over. My parents have always been a bit soppy with each other, anyway, so I would not have found sex distressing. They'd never been the types to harp on about sex being disgusting or wrong, either. I just don't get that whole feeling abused thing. How bizarre.

I don't believe DH and I have ever done it with DCs in the room (apart from when they were babies), but I wouldn't say I'd never do it...it would depend on the situation, I suppose.

onebadbaby · 30/08/2010 08:44

YABU

The3Bears · 30/08/2010 08:47

YANBU it is a bit wrong isnt it?

sanielle · 30/08/2010 08:54

I wish people on this thread would stop telling the only people on this thread who experienced exactly what has been described they shouldn't feel abused or sickened by it.

They were children who had been exposed to adults shagging wiht no care for them and had to hear every grunting shrieking noise.

Seriously consider for a second what a proper session sounds like and the positions you actually get in. All much more involved that the average 10 year old is going to know about? Surely? It would be frighting and very creepy to a child to think their parents are happy to enough to get the urge in front of them. (I couldn't imagine a healthy male keeping an erection knowing a 10 year girl was in the room)

If the previous posters are here..telling you that they felt traumatised who are you to say they aren't correct in feeling that way?

You would get flamed for telling a rape victim she shouldn't be upset.. or that it wasn't meant in that way so just get over it.

But a child, can just fuck off and ignore their feelings?

SolidGoldBrass · 30/08/2010 08:55

MaQ: I think it's possible that the intensity of your distress was due to the fact that you were already aware that your parents considered their relationship with each other more important than their relationship with their DC.
Also WRT the other thread it definitely was abusive and a different matter as the man in that case actually brought his DD into the room, she was wide awake, and the OP was not consenting to the sexual act.

belgo · 30/08/2010 08:55

YABU. I just don't see the problem, if she was asleep. And as Portofino says, you can be disturbed in the act at home anyway. Or are we supposed to have locks on the bedroom door?

Not everyone can afford a separate hotel room for a child, and I imagine a ten year old probably wouldn't want her own hotel room anyway.

RobynLou · 30/08/2010 08:56

I think there is a huge difference between a child who has always been in the parents room and witnessed them having sex from before they remember, to a ten year old witnessing it for the first time. I can see how the second scenario could be really distressing.

but before I read this I wouldn't have thought that and so I can see how the parents mentioned in the OP didn't think it was wrong. After a few drinks on your anniversary when you're sure the child is asleep a quiet shag wouldn't seem outrageous to me.

But as others have said, how do you know it happened?!?

belgo · 30/08/2010 08:56

There's a huge difference between abuse and getting caught it in the act by wakeful children.

Desperatelyseekinginspiration · 30/08/2010 09:10

I once stayed with a friend and her BF in her UNI room (So really small). I woke up to moans and her shushing him.

Absolutely traumatised me .

Seriously, I thought it was quite funny and a bit eughhh.

I've walked in on my mum and dad a few times when I was about that age. Didn't see anything just knew I had from my mum's frustrated response to me, "Ohhhh Desperately" followed by my Dad's very conciliatory, "it's okay, what's the matter?"

Not traumatised at all. at least I don't think I am

colapips · 30/08/2010 09:21

My sister - who is 10 years older than me - said it wasn't until she was about 17 that she made the link between a lock appearing on our parents door, that meant she couldn't just wander in in the 'middle' of the night, and the arrival of a baby (me) a few months later!!!

neverenoughMEtime · 30/08/2010 11:31

I agree with MAD and the other poster who agreed its damaging. I sared a bedroom with my parents for the first 10 years of my life. I was often woken up by them having sex, i too witnessed what MAD did, the positions, my mother giving bj, noises...i felt sick, frightened, cried myself to sleep, lived in fear of it happening again, struggled to sleep because i was desperate to be asleep by the time they came to bed (often wasn't due to the anxiety) It was horrific and i totally agree with the suggestion that it is like child abuse, even though they thought i was sleeping. Im not sure i looked like i was asleep seeing as i remember lying there with my hands over my ears and eyes shut tight...i remember sometimes my mum would stop and say "she's awake" but my dad would say "she's not" and carry on...i remember asking my mum one day what they were doing when i woke in the night. She was totally embarassed and had a go at me for being awake!!

I feel it really damaged me, those who cant understand how it could, well im really pleased for you that you could laugh it off and be ok about it.

I think its wrong to have sex with your 10 year old in the room, what about the bathroom, why not do it in there?? ANYWHERE, but right next to your child's bed. No need at all imo.

belgo · 30/08/2010 12:26

neverenoguhmetime - sorry you experienced what you did but NO-ONE is suggesting that is acceptable for a child to witness what you witnessed, especially as your parents knew you were awake.

A quick shag under the covers when a child is DEFINITELY fast asleep is something quite different, and not abuse.

neverenoughMEtime · 30/08/2010 12:44

Sorry if i seemed a little irate in my post, touched a raw nerve i think. I guess the problem is you cant be sure that the child will stay fast asleep can you. And if they do wake up and the parents dont notice for a while it could be really bad for the child..i know some kids wouldn't feel so bad but knowing that they might would stop me from even thinking about doing it in the same room..

MadAboutQuavers · 30/08/2010 13:07

SGB - I'm afraid that's rubbish really. I wasn't aware that "my parents relationship was more important" at all at 11, even on some subconscious level (before you say it). They were very loving to me, and I wasn't neglected at all. My realisation that they were a extremely selfish came much later. My reaction was the normal reaction of a child, being party to an adult interlude. Children should not have to watch or be closely exposed to a live sex session. I think you are applying adult logic and reasoning. So are the many other posters here who declare "how can it feel abusive when it's a normal part of life" and "it wouldn't have bothered me when I was 10/11". Those posters cannot possibly know.

sanielle - well done to you for being one of the few who can still see things through the eyes of a child, when a lot here are so dismissive that this could possibly be different than through the eyes of an adult...

neverenoughmetime - my heart goes out to you and your 10 year old self . At least my traumatic experience was only for one night. Your parents have a lot to answer for, for subjecting you to this.

belgo - my parents were "absolutely certain" that I was asleep too. . I'm know they wouldn't have done what they did otherwise.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/08/2010 13:55

SBG

I think its about boundaries. I think the level of trauma a child might feel about seeing parents having sex depends on the level of control the child has over the situation.

If parents have sex at home in their own adult bedroom with the door shut, and a child walks in, then the child has "opted in" to an adult space, ie the child had the agency and the control. The child may be a bit freaked out, but there is also the message that this is an adult space into which the child has strayed and that is why the child saw adult things.

It's quite different to intrude on the child's space, eg do it in the same bedroom as the child where the child has no agency/control over the situation.

Personally I would say a child walking in on parents in their bedroom at home might feel bemused or yukked out, but not traumatised.

A child whose parents intrude on their childhood inappropriately by having sex in the same room as them is likely to have quite a different response - both feeling intruded on and also a lingering feeling that its parents are inappropriate or thoughtless at best. It would destroy some of the child's faith in the parents.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/08/2010 14:01

PS I think parents in our culture (where family sleeping is not the norm) who regularly foist their adult sexuality on their children are being abusive.

They are basically forcing the child to witness (if they wake up) something that is not age appropriate. Actually, that's not even it - I'm an adult who has sex but I would not want to see my parents at it!

The subliminal message is that the adults' needs and desires trump the child's. Whereas to feel secure I think children need to have faith in their parents that they will always have the children's best interests at heart.

Heracles · 30/08/2010 14:02

Sex between two people in a relationship? It says alot about how retarded our progress as a society is that this is still considered something people shouldn't be "exposed" to.

I know people who had this happen when they were young and it doesn't seem to have affected them adversely. As with nearly everything, it depends on the people involved, doesn't it?

Rockbird · 30/08/2010 14:19

If you have a session with your child in the bed next to you then you have to work on a 50/50 chance that the child will wake up, because unless you've drugged them you cannot say for sure that they will stay asleep. And if you continue then a little part of you thinks it's acceptable.

I luckily didn't have the experience that MAQ and others had. I went to stay in France with a friend at her mother's house. She was working in the UK and had been away from her husband for about 6 months. I had been given a bed in the same room and no amount of facing the wall and turning my Walkman up to the max could blot out what was going on. We were all in our early 20s at this point so not children and I still found it disturbing.

Having sex with your 10yo child in the room is not a necessity in this country so I can see no excuse for it except selfishness.

lolapoppins · 30/08/2010 14:23

Madaboutquavers - (and others who had those experiences) I understand totally. My parents did the same. I shared a room with them quite often for various reasons until I was 12. I remember lying there on the occasions it happened shaking uncontrolably and trying not to cry, it was horrific. I can't understand people who would think it would be ok.

Like another poster, I would not have sex when my son is at home soley because of those experiences. I would be devistaed if he ever walked in/hear and felt the way I did.

Funnily enough my parents would not even mention the word sex in front of me. They were very prudish towrds the subject. That coupled with being in the same room as then having sex has left me with a very unhealthy attitude to it myself.

nancydrewrocked · 30/08/2010 14:33

DH and I have had sex with DC asleep in the same room.

We just stick to the very quiet, totally under the duvet, one ear/eye open variety. It never occurred to me that wasn't fairly normal.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/08/2010 14:39

Nancy

The difference between what you do and what other posters' parents did is that you tailor your sex so as not to intrude on the child. Presumably if you heard your child stir then you would stop?

If this is the case then I don't think it is abusive because you are keeping your child's needs paramount and are taking care not to expose him to something inappropriate.

Obvioulsy there is a risk that you might get it wrong, esp as he grows up, and you might not notice he had woken up.

But you are in a very different category to those parents who were totally cavalier about the effect on their children sleeping in the same room.

nancydrewrocked · 30/08/2010 14:52

Yes I realise it is different to what a number of posters describe and we can't of course know whether it is different to the sex described in the OP because they haven't been back to confirm.....

My point was that I assume that the vast majority of those who do occassionally have sex when their DC are sleeping in the same room have the sort of sex I described above....not the sort of sex they might have after three bottles of wine when the DC are at their grandparents for the night.

belgo · 30/08/2010 15:05

lolapoppins - no-one is suggesting that's ok

MadAboutQuavers · 30/08/2010 17:09

Bumpsadaisie - your observation is definitely valid.

Whilst my experience hasn't coloured my own feelings about sex - I have always had healthy and fulfilling sexual relationships - it did shake my faith in my parents. I remember thinking at the time "how can they do that with me just a few feet away?"

I will never, ever have sex with my own children in the same room. Even if I think they are fast asleep and we're being so quiet.

If I'm that desperate for a shag I'll find somewhere else, outside, downstairs, in the car, to scratch my itch before coming to bed, rather than do it in the same room as my kids. It's not worth the risk.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/08/2010 17:21

The thing is, we don't know whether what the OP refers to was a one-off under-the-duvet incident (which is not really that big a deal) or repeated blatant shagging and not caring whether or not the DC in the room woke up, which is fairly reckless behaviour. ON balance it's probably better, if staying somewhere you all have to share a room, to nip into the bathroom or something if you want a shag, but this doesn't make it abusive to think you can get away with the aforementioned quiet, covered-up sex when your DC are normally good sleepers.

ANdby the way before anyone starts accusing me of swinging from the chandeliers while DS cowers under the covers, I'm single and into casual sex, so I wouldn't do that at home, never mind in a room with DS.

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