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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think My Friend Should Have Used Decent Contraception If She Really Didn't Want Another Baby?

59 replies

notagoodfriend · 29/08/2010 16:46

I had a very late miscarriage last year and am currently pregnant again. My friend knows about this and how devastated I have been and how hard to make the decision to concieve again.

Yet, a few nights ago she rang me to see if I had a spare pregnancy test. I did have, she did it and rang me to say she is pregnant and she doesn't think she wants to keep it. She does have three children already, the youngest has just started school. She says she can't have a baby as she is just getting her life back and doesn't want her children to have to share a bedroom. Hmm

I feel really pissed off as I know they were using the withdrawal method as contraception. I did mention to friend that I wasn't entirely sure it was realiable (I know I am not the only one) and she did actually say she got pregnant with her youngest whilst using that method.

I saw her yesterday and although she didn't say she'd made a decision, she said they were getting rid of all their baby stuff. This will be her second abortion.

I do feel for her, she can't talk to her parents as they strongly disagree with abortion and apparently last time it almost sent her Mum to a nervous breakdown. However, I think she should have been more careful about contraception. It is typical of the ways she does everything, just thinking it will be OK and not bothering to do things properly.

I feel like I am a horrible friend, but I am not sure I want to be friends with her after this.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansmistress · 29/08/2010 16:52

Do you object to termination on principle? If not, then you need to examine why you feel so angry with her. She didn't get pregnant to spite you, and her unwanted pregnancy has nothing to do with your loss (for which I am vvvv sorry). I know it's hard to separate out the feelings but you must try. I do know exactly how you feel, a good friend of mine had her 4th (!) termination not long after my late mc. She is also a silly mare when it comes to contraception. However the cause of the pregnancy is irrelevant to how i feel about termination, I think on a personal level, multiple terminations because you can't sort out contraception is irresponsible and risky, wasting NHS resources and risking infection etc. However I don't think it's murder of a baby so I still support her right to have as many as she needs (Hmm)

Lemonstartree · 29/08/2010 16:54

YABU, but with some justification. I think you should examine why you feel so angry?

Celery · 29/08/2010 16:54

It is easy to say that someone should use decent contraception if they don't want another baby, but nothing is ever black and white, and you probably don't know the full story. I was in the same position as your friend this time last year, and I had an abortion. I told no one though, as I knew I would be judged. I had my reasons, and they were very good reasons, but not ones that I had to justify to anyone.

However, as this is the second time this has happened for her, she's obviously not learned from her mistakes. But it is easy judge, without walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

Chatelaine · 29/08/2010 16:54

You are not a horrible friend, only one that as been dragged into very personal issues that only your friend can resolve. You supplied a spare P.Test. £4.99 at the Chemist. She was wanting someone else to be involved....You have no responsibility whatsoever imo. Don't even ask her what she is doing, as you will be sucked in further. Leave well alone. That's my only advice.

Lulumaam · 29/08/2010 17:00

i think it is a natural reaction if this is her 3rd unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. especially as you have had a late miscarriage, which will of course have ccoloured your viewpoint.

withdrawal if not used in conjunction with other natural family planning methods, e.g temping/charting, mucus checking etc.. it is not contraception, it is the equivalent of crossing your fingers and just hoping it will be ok.

yes, she should have been more careful, but she wasnt, and if she has not realised and neitehr has her dh realised that this is not a reliable way to avoid pregnancy, nto a lot you can say without her getting the hump

you are not a horrible friedn, i think i would also feel similarly, but would be as supportive as my own circumstances allowed me to be

Original poster
notagoodfriend · 29/08/2010 17:07

I am not comfortable with the idea of abortion really, I am not sure I would go so far as to say I consider early abortion as murder of baby, but I do think it should be an absolute last resort and where possible done as early as possible.

She will have to pay for it privately, as abortion is illegal where we live. This also means her having to arrange to go to another country for the procedure, because of what she is like about organising things I worry that she will just leave it and leave it, not least as her husband is away for a couple of months as of next week and she will then need to orgnaise childcare.

I just feel she knew how I would probably feel about it but it was convenient to get a pregnancy test from me as I live nearby. The shops were open, she could have bothered to go there for one. I want to be able to support her, whether I agree with her decision or not, but I really don't feel I can. Sad

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 29/08/2010 17:11

if you need some space from her, then that's ok Smile

i think she must have a real brass neck to not understand/realise that with a late miscarriage and being pregnant now, supporting her through an abortion might be more than a little uncomfortable

you can say that to her, you know

tiptree · 29/08/2010 17:17

I think your friend is being unreasonable and insensitive . I really don't get accidental pregnancies. I have been using the withdrawal method for 15 years and it has never failed.

OnlyWantsOne · 29/08/2010 17:21

I think space from her is perfectly reasonable. I do not think you are feeling in an unreasonable way - and she is probably being insensitive to your feelings...

However, there are many people that are complete muppets about feelings and things they say (me included) She may think that because you are currently expecting again (congratulations by the way :)) that its ok to talk to you about it all ...

Desperatelyseekinginspiration · 29/08/2010 17:21

I was extremely disturbed as a teenager to overhear a conversation between my mum and her friend in which her friend admitted to having 5 abortions because she and her DH did not use any form of contraception. Her DH was a Dr FGS.

While it isn't something that still upsets me, it is one of those memories that has stuck with me.

I agree with you, that it is highly irresponsible to use abortion as a form of contraception. Once may be excused but more than once is just horrible.

I am generally pro choice but I find it very hard to accept abortion under these circumstances.

DuelingFanjo · 29/08/2010 17:22

I think yabu because you are allowing your iews on abortion to cloud your view.

Accidental pregnancies do happen even with the MAP and condoms. Until you have walked in her shoes you shouldn't judge. Her decision to terminate is a separate issue to your miscarriage or your own conraceptive choices. Sorry.

sanielle · 29/08/2010 17:23

Your friend is being silly she's a grown up and should know the withdrawl method doesn't work if this is her third unwanted pregnancy. She is also being really insensitive to come to you for pregnnacy kits.

Don't discuss elective abortion with someone who has just a miscarriage it should be pretty obvious really. Even a person who is pro-choice isn't going to be able to seperate the two right after.

Goblinchild · 29/08/2010 17:23

'withdrawal if not used in conjunction with other natural family planning methods, e.g temping/charting, mucus checking etc.. it is not contraception, it is the equivalent of crossing your fingers and just hoping it will be ok.'

Which is why it's known as Vatican Roulette
in some circles.
YANBU, if she didn't want to get pregnant she should have used better methods. Especially if this is her second time.

tokyonambu · 29/08/2010 17:25

"they were using the withdrawal method as contraception."

More accurately, they're using abortion as contraception. And I don't think you need to be a regular attender at Tridentine masses to regard that as being less than an ideal state of affairs.

Nannytwotimes · 29/08/2010 17:26

As an 'older generation' I know that we make many friends throughout our lives. One thing you learn is that there are times when you have to let go of friends who do not treat you well.

This girl has shown no consideration for your circumstances or your feelings and you have every right to tell her, that, for these reasons, you would prefer not to see her again.

Best wishes for your future.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/08/2010 17:37

I think that to use abortion as a form of contraception is a disgusting thing to do. It is the ending of a potential human life and should not be done lightly. Of course, sometimes there are very good reasons why an abortion is the right thing to do, but those reasons do not include inability to sort out contraception.

I think your friend has been incredibly insensitive and unkind towards you.

I don't think a person has an automatic right to your support, because they are a friend. I think we all have to do the things in life that we can live comfortably with. These things will be different for everyone. If what you think is right, differs from hers then it is okay to tell her that you want no part of this. Perhaps if people tell her this is not an acceptable way to continue, then next time she will take better care.

expatinscotland · 29/08/2010 17:44

YANBU and YANBU to tell her you need some space from, and why if she asks.

You shouldn't have to compromise strongly held beliefs or feelings for friends who behave irresponsibly, IMO.

MaamRuby · 29/08/2010 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillianAstra · 29/08/2010 18:01

If you don't want to get pregnant, don't have sex, or use a sensible method of contraception.

I am pro-abortion, if a woman does not want to be pregnant I believe she should be able to choose to not be pregnant, no matter how she got that way.

I am also pro-people-not-being-morons.

MrsMerlothasabadhead · 29/08/2010 18:09

If this is her third pregnancy using the withdrawal method I would be starting to wonder whether perhaps she actually wants another child? but her dh doesn't?

Maybe she is quite happy to fall pregnant again and therefore lies to tells her dh about when it is 'safe' to have intercourse?

After all she kept (sounds awful sorry, can't think of better way to put it) the first baby conceived by accident, and with the circumstances you describe for the third she may 'leave it and leave it' perhaps until she knows that its to late for an abortion?

Just a thought, because although accidents happen I find it hard to believe anyone who really doesn't want more children would have three unplanned pregnancies.

hairytriangle · 29/08/2010 18:09

Actually, it's none of your business and you sound very judgemental.

hairytriangle · 29/08/2010 18:12

"More accurately, they're using abortion as contraception"

I really object to that statement/judgement.

Anyone who thinks people choose abortions or that more than very few, very naive people just 'leave it to chance because they don't think it'll happen to them' is not living in the real world.

brassband · 29/08/2010 18:50

'I really don't get accidental pregnancies. I have been using the withdrawal method for 15 years and it has never failed.'

I really don't get broken legs .I have had legs for 40 years and they have never broken.

Vallhala · 29/08/2010 18:53

:o @ Brassband. DD1 (15) is in fits too.

Vallhala · 29/08/2010 18:56

Oh, and OP, I don't see that your friend's choice of contraception, decision to terminate, views on abortion etc are any of your business. It's fine to have an opinion on your friend's lifestyle choices but I do hope that you'll keep it to yourself.