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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Think My Friend Should Have Used Decent Contraception If She Really Didn't Want Another Baby?

59 replies

notagoodfriend · 29/08/2010 16:46

I had a very late miscarriage last year and am currently pregnant again. My friend knows about this and how devastated I have been and how hard to make the decision to concieve again.

Yet, a few nights ago she rang me to see if I had a spare pregnancy test. I did have, she did it and rang me to say she is pregnant and she doesn't think she wants to keep it. She does have three children already, the youngest has just started school. She says she can't have a baby as she is just getting her life back and doesn't want her children to have to share a bedroom. Hmm

I feel really pissed off as I know they were using the withdrawal method as contraception. I did mention to friend that I wasn't entirely sure it was realiable (I know I am not the only one) and she did actually say she got pregnant with her youngest whilst using that method.

I saw her yesterday and although she didn't say she'd made a decision, she said they were getting rid of all their baby stuff. This will be her second abortion.

I do feel for her, she can't talk to her parents as they strongly disagree with abortion and apparently last time it almost sent her Mum to a nervous breakdown. However, I think she should have been more careful about contraception. It is typical of the ways she does everything, just thinking it will be OK and not bothering to do things properly.

I feel like I am a horrible friend, but I am not sure I want to be friends with her after this.

OP posts:
splashy · 29/08/2010 19:20

Yanbu

I am shocked that so many people think her behaviour is no irresponsible, reckless and selfish.

If she doesn't want a baby, she should use a medically recognised form of contraception. I'm sure there is no reason for not using condoms as a minimum.

People like this make me really angry.

Firawla · 29/08/2010 19:30

If she really does have an abortion and seems to be just using abortions as contraception like as you described, personally I would not be friends with such a person as I find it evil. Just could not really stomach being around them and having them around my kids too. But hopefully as one other poster said she really does want the pregnancy and may just leave it and leave it, then keep it. Which although weird to start talking about abortion in the first place, will be much better.
Don't want dc to have to share rooms, and youngest is in school I will get my life back, are not good reason for abortions at all - how selfish can you get, to kill a life for those petty reasons.

sungirltan · 29/08/2010 19:35

yanbu. she was really insensitive - i'm sure she oculd have procured a test from elsewhere and dealt with it privately. you are not a rubbish friend at all but dont fele bad if you want to distance yourself x

DetectivePotato · 29/08/2010 19:59

YANBU. She wasn't using contraception. She was playing with fire and has been burned more than once. The fact that her youngest was conceived in this was should have made her sort out some fucking contraception.

Sorry but people like this really piss me off. We had fertilty problems and I get wound up by people having abortions just because they couldn't be assed to sort out some proper birth control. Its not fucking rocket science!

My sister recently told me she had had an abortion as a teenager and has huge period problems (dont' think the 2 are linked). She is worried that she has lost her one chance to have a baby whereas her friend has had 3 abortions as she doesn't bother with contraception. My sister asked her what she would do if she got pregnant and the answer was "well I'll just have another abortion won't I"

SirBoobAlot · 29/08/2010 20:18

I think your friend was very insensitive. Are you okay? I can imagine how it must have hurt. I had a miscarriage a few weeks before I sat an RE exam, and one of the questions on that was about abortion. That shook me up hard enough; I can't think about how much it would have cut me if a friend had raised the subject.

And I think it is using abortion as a method of contraception. We are lucky here in that it is available for those who need it, but idiots like your friend really piss me off, to be honest. If you don't want to fall pregnant, you should use contraception. Obviously there are always slip ups and accidents there too, but FFS at least do something to try and prevent it.

She sounds selfish and utterly inconsiderate. I hope you have better friends than her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope all goes well for you x

DuelingFanjo · 29/08/2010 20:27

"If she doesn't want a baby, she should use a medically recognised form of contraception. I'm sure there is no reason for not using condoms as a minimum"

medically recognised forms of contraception do fail too.

MrsVidic · 29/08/2010 20:30

Space from her is ok- and tbh she should have been more sensative than coming to you for a preganacy test etc.

However- I like others do think you should address the anger you are feeling towards her- it wont be doing you any good keeping resntment and she may get more support off a differentt friend iyswim.

Also FWIW some people do get pregnant very easily and contraception does fail, not all unwanted pregnancies are a result of irresponsability.

splashy · 29/08/2010 20:34

Duellingfanjo, yes they can, but they are a LOT more reliable than using withdrawal.

TrillianAstra · 29/08/2010 22:41

DF - that's like saying it's not worth wearing a seatbelt because sometimes people wearing seatbelts die in car crashes anyway.

If you don't want to have a baby/die in a car crash then use contraception/wear a seatbelt. It won't always work but it'll make it a hell of a lot less likely.

TrillianAstra · 29/08/2010 22:43

I'm not with the 'abortion is only allowed if....' crowd by the way (and think calling someone 'evil' is ridiculous), but if you don't want a baby, use contraception, or don't have sex.

nelliesmum · 29/08/2010 23:00

She may not be evil, but I struggle with any other description of her behaviour in this case.

boiledegg1 · 29/08/2010 23:11

Your friend sounds insensitive and irresponsible. Maybe there is a bit more to it as others have implied but I would keep out of her way for a while if it makes you upset or angry. Hope you're okay.

warthog · 29/08/2010 23:15

you're perfectly entitled to take a break from the friendship. sounds like that's what you need.

SmellsLikeTeenSweat · 29/08/2010 23:18

Oh golly, I would keep my distance from her. Being pg & given your history you are vulnerable - keeping away from her is a way of protecting yourself, IMO.

terryble · 30/08/2010 00:38

There HAS to be more going on. Cannot believe anyone would act so foolishly otherwise. Abortions are hardly pleasant, surely?

Domestic violence? I have read before that abusive men will refuse to use condoms and prevent their partners using contraception.

gtamom · 30/08/2010 02:19

Well, try and not judge, it is her life, her conscience, her morals and values.

Perhaps she will change her mind, I know someone who did.

But I do think people who are 100% positive they want no more babies should consider getting fixed.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 30/08/2010 03:06

Gosh, the invisibility of the husband on this thread is quite striking.

What contraception did he use?
What decision is he making about the pregnancy?
Does he think it's alright for children to share a bedroom?
What is his position on termination, and did he consider a vasectomy if he didn't want another child? Will he be helping to arrange the trip to another county for the termination, or will he be "leaving it and leaving it"?

Or do we just judge women?

differentnameforthis · 30/08/2010 04:30

Agree with tort, takes 2 to make a baby & we are judging the woman....as usual!

Don't want dc to have to share rooms, and youngest is in school I will get my life back, are not good reason for abortions at all - how selfish can you get, to kill a life for those petty reasons

Actually, any reason is good enough if a woman doesn't want a baby. It isn't up to anyone to decide what is a valid, non petty reason to terminate. You can't judge until you have faced an unwanted pregnancy!

diddl · 30/08/2010 08:07

OP-YANBU.

I think your "friend" is bloody thoughtless at least.

As for it not being OPs business-her "friend" has made it her business by what she has told her imo.

I would keep away OP!

proudnsad · 30/08/2010 08:16

I definitely feel you are transposing your own difficult experiences and views on the situation.
Her choice, her life, her mistakes.
I would argue that if you were a good friend to her you would support her more. If you can't then maybe it's time to let go of the friendship.

DinahRod · 30/08/2010 08:27

The 'friend' made it NAGF's business when she asked her for the pg test, very insensitive given her late mc and pg.

On MN there has been a MC campaign and an aspect that makes the process harder is sharing a ward with those who have chosen to terminate - there are parallels here.

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/08/2010 08:30

You've said that abortion is not legal where you live. Is contraception easily available? Does your friend have externally forced (ie by husband/church perhaps?) for not using contraception?

Either way, I really do feel that your view is a bit coloured by your sad experiences of MC. I don't think it's really fair of you to judge her so harshly (although I can see why you are) but, equally, she's being very thoughtless if she can't see how/why this would upset you.

If you want to stay friends with her then perhaps gently explain why this is hurting you (which I think is possibly the issue). If you think it's time for your friendship to end then I guess you should explain why but it'll be hard to do and I'd expect a big row!

proudnsad · 30/08/2010 08:35

Dinah - that's judgemental towards those who choose to terminate. It implies that all those on a ward who had mc are 'innocents' and those who terminate 'wrong doers' iyswim. Mc is awful, I've been through that, but termination is usually a terribly hard decision often borne (sorry) out of apalling situations.

BalloonSlayer · 30/08/2010 08:36

Agree with DinahRod, the friend very insensitive asking for a pg test when she could have gone out and got one for herself and kept it quiet. If she had an ounce of sensitivity she'd have realised she'd upset the OP.

sanielle · 30/08/2010 08:40

tortoiseonthehalfshell I think the problem is less that they were both stupid and maybe doing the wrong thing, but more that the woman (the op's friend) decided to show no sympathy to the OP and the difficulties she was having. Don't you think? The fact that it all seems self inflicted makes the OP feel like shit because of her sitatuion. The "friend" owed her to not involve her. The husband equally stupid, but not involving the OP so not worthy of mention in the thread.

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