To Think My Friend Should Have Used Decent Contraception If She Really Didn't Want Another Baby?

[notagoodfriend]

I had a very late miscarriage last year and am currently pregnant again. My friend knows about this and how devastated I have been and how hard to make the decision to concieve again.

Yet, a few nights ago she rang me to see if I had a spare pregnancy test. I did have, she did it and rang me to say she is pregnant and she doesn't think she wants to keep it. She does have three children already, the youngest has just started school. She says she can't have a baby as she is just getting her life back and doesn't want her children to have to share a bedroom.

I feel really pissed off as I know they were using the withdrawal method as contraception. I did mention to friend that I wasn't entirely sure it was realiable (I know I am not the only one) and she did actually say she got pregnant with her youngest whilst using that method.

I saw her yesterday and although she didn't say she'd made a decision, she said they were getting rid of all their baby stuff. This will be her second abortion.

I do feel for her, she can't talk to her parents as they strongly disagree with abortion and apparently last time it almost sent her Mum to a nervous breakdown. However, I think she should have been more careful about contraception. It is typical of the ways she does everything, just thinking it will be OK and not bothering to do things properly.

I feel like I am a horrible friend, but I am not sure I want to be friends with her after this.

If the OP was mostly about "she should have been more sensitive, knowing that I'd lost a pregnancy", yes. But I was reacting to things like:

I think she should have been more careful about contraception.

But not just the OP. Most of the posts here are about the contraception, the abortion, the decision whether or not to have children, and the husband is completely invisible in all of that.

I see what you mean tortoiseonthehalfshell but I think if you read what the OP says first you can see that is what is upsetting her. Feels like she is trying to justify herself with the contraception stuff later on. If the friend had had a genuine accident whilst on birth control it would hve probably still hurt the OP but for other reasons.

Well, the situation has moved on...

My friend decided to keep the baby, in her words 'as it's not fair to terminate for our mistake'. I have had a miscarriage, which friend knows about, and then friend started bleeding on Saturday and asked me to help as she didn't know what to do.

I agreed to attend the early pregnancy unit with her as her husband is away and she had no-one else who could go with her. She had a scan and all seems well, but early days and she is not sure of dates and needs to go back for a second scan.

After the scan on the way home she started saying thing like 'I can't believe it, it's only a stupid little yolk. I felt guilty about terminating and it's just a stupid little yolk'. She also spent the whole day (we had to wait ages) moaning about how sick she felt and how she couldn't cope etc etc. Not just a bit of moaning, but really laying it on thick.

I am really upset that someone could be so insensitive to another person's feelings. It took a lot for me to go to the EPU (where I had found out I was miscarrying less than a week before) but I wanted to do my best to support my friend. I think I just need to distance myself from her for a while.

She is not a friend.

I am sorry for your miscarriage, and your friend is being unbelievably insensitive to neither acknowledge what you are going through, nor moderate her comments.

I make no judgments of your friend's wish to have an abortion, that is for her and her husband to decide but to dump it all on you, when you were already struggling with pregnancy and the previous miscarriage is incredibly selfish.

Take care of yourself, you deserve better than this so-called friend.

nagf, she is really taking this too far

Yes, it is her body, her choice but she has picked on the wrong friend to help her out. She really is very insensitive to your feelings. Other people on this thread have said you should be supportive but friendship cuts both ways and she is NOT being supportive of you!

You need to take care of yourself and let her be responsible for her own actions.

nagf - am I reading this correctly? You are miscarrying again? I'm so sorry to hear that, this must be really hard for you.

Personally I think distancing yourself from someone who is obviously causing you distress is the best thing to do right now, even if it is only temporary

"I have had a miscarriage, which friend knows about, and then friend started bleeding on Saturday and asked me to help as she didn't know what to do."

Gah - that is so insensitive of her. She is no friend. It's obvious what to do - go to the hospital/doctor. I know it's vile (it's happened to me three times) but you don't HAVE to drag someone with you if it's going to hurt them.

I cannot believe you managed to tolerate her behaviour when you must have been feeling awful. The stuff about the 'stupid little yolk' would seriously have made me just walk out and leave her there.

Take care of yourself and ditch this toxic person. If she has no one else, well, there's probably a reason for that...

YABU to judge her and her contraception methods/reasons for terminating BUT YANBU to feel unable to support her in the situation she is currently in. She sounds like she has been exceedingly insensitive to you for your losses (so very sorry) and I don't think anyone would blame you for distancing yourself.