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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Demand That My Ex

52 replies

bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 10:09

Returns the nice clothes I send the girls in when they go to his house?

Background - we have shared custody, he usually collects them on a Sunday morning so that he can take them to his weirdo sect church.

I dress them in nice clothes which I have bought for them.

He never sends the clothes back.

The last time I picked them up DD2 was in a pair of patched trousers which were far too short and a t-shirt with a hole in it, which I have washed, ironed and are now in a bag to be returned to him when I drop them up today (he can't collect them today)

So, AIBU to demand ask him to return the clothes which I bought which are at his house?

The agreement is that we are each responsible for them when we have them?

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 29/08/2010 10:16

Yanbu my friend has to deal with this all the time, for my friends ex dp it's just another way to get one over on her. The kids should have nice Clothes at yours and his and there's no reason why you should supply both!

Isawthreeships · 29/08/2010 10:16

YANBU unless the DDs want to leave some clothes there so they have nice things to wear there (but presumably your ex should be buying them clothes for staying at his house?)

Why not ask that all clothes get sent back with the DDs on each visit, then you can each stick to washing the stuff that lives at your house.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 10:18

Awh folks thanks - he makes me feel like I am being so unreasonable.

We are both supposed to buy clothes for our own houses, if that makes sense.

He never did give a toss about how they were dressed, and still doesn't, which is up to him I suppose.

I've asked him to send everything back here, but his answer is that its in the wash/he can't find it.

It isn't as bad once they are back at school, because we do pick up/drop offs at school so they come and go in school uniform, but its been like this over the summer and is driving me INSANE

OP posts:
hairytriangle · 29/08/2010 10:19

YANBU. If you have shared residency, I presume you have shared responsibility to clothe, feed etc, so presume that what you provide is for your side of the residency 'share'.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 10:21

Thing is, he's so tight, he won't spend any money - I've had to buy ALL of DD1's new uniform for big school - he hasn't shelled out not a penny, I asked him to, he promised he would pay half, but when it came to last week and he hadn't done it I had no option but to get it all.

Am about to leave to drop them up so will ask him AGAIN if I can have the clothes I bought back.

AARRGGGHHHH

OP posts:
Isawthreeships · 29/08/2010 10:27

Do your DDs mind wearing the clothes he provides? If not could you dress them in the clothes he sends them back in IYSWIM? Obviously only if it doesn't bother them.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 10:51

Yeah Isaw, I could, but he sends them in really tatty stuff and HE wants them "dressed" for church!!!

Just had a conversation with him when I dropped them up where I asked him to return the clothes which I had provided for them.

He said - and I quote - I can't commit to that. I don't view the clothes as yours or mine, I view them as belonging to the children.

The only answer is going to be sending them in the tatty clothes. Thank goodness they're back to school this week.

Also had a conversation with him - AGAIN - about money that he is supposed to pay into my bank account by close of biz on 28th of every month which I haven't received yet again this month.

I know, because I'm not daft, that 28th was Saturday so I won't have the money til Tuessday but according to him its not his fault its MY banks fault, as he has set up a Direct Debit for the 28th of every month.

I have tried and tried and tried to explain to him that it won't go through if the 28th is on the weekend.

Is a solicitor the only option??

And breathe.....

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 29/08/2010 11:21

I agree with threeships, send them in the stuff he sent them back in. If he complains tell him you'll consider sending them in nice stuff when he returns it all.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 11:27

Thanks guys - that's exactly what I told him today when I dropped them up.

I also reminded him that his taking them to church on a Sunday was only being done every week because I allowed it, that every other weekend was my weekend with them and that I had the right to decide not to ALLOW HIM to take them to church.

That did not go down well.

I am a heathen who will burn in hell.

Oh dear.

OP posts:
Kathyjelly · 29/08/2010 11:45

You'll be in good company if you do Smile

YANBU at all. My sis went through this with her ex. Anything that could be used to save money or cause trouble, he held onto. Sis put up with it and sent her dd across in old clothes for years. Then he took to keeping her passport after a holiday and sis had to resort to a solicitors letter demanding that all property and documents were returned immediately.

It's probably just to irritate you so don't let him know it does.

ChaoticAngel · 29/08/2010 11:45

Well you can join me and a few million others then Grin

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 11:50

Well I told him since he was going "up above" that would be my idea of hell so I'd be quite happy "down below"

I honestly think its a control thing - funny you should say that about passport Kathy - it was MY passport he wouldn't give to me when I had moved out.

OP posts:
sanielle · 29/08/2010 12:11

How old are your kids? Would they be mortified if you bought them a 5 pack of tshirts from asda and told ex that those are his to to keep and only send the girls in those 5 tops? He'll want them to have something nice for church presumably cause god gets worked up about that kind of thing I hear, and he'll have to buy them something nice.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 12:21

Kids are 11 and 8 sanielle

8 year old DD2 wouldn't care

11 year old DD1 would DIE OF SHAME lol

But I am just going to send cruddy stuff from now on.

Normally, during school time, pick up and drop offs are done i drop off at school, he picks up, so changeover is done in uniform iyswim?

Its just been a pita over the holidays

OP posts:
Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 12:23

Wonder what he would do if I said "nope sorry this is my weekend. They aren't going to church with you"

OP posts:
sanielle · 29/08/2010 12:24

can the 11 year old be in charge of getting all the clothes back? Before school starts?

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 12:25

I asked her to when I dropped her up there today.

Even if I got most of them back tbh

OP posts:
nomedoit · 29/08/2010 12:26

Does his Church teach the biblical passage, Love Your Neighbour As Yourself?

As the saying goes, I'd rather see a sermon than hear one.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 12:32

His church teaches, as i've said before on here, that a wife should be subservient to her husband. That a husband has a duty to chastise his wife. Women shouldn't have the vote but since they do they should vote how their husbands tell them.

Don't start me lol lol

OP posts:
nomedoit · 29/08/2010 12:36

Not a lot of gay marriage ceremonies, then.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 12:38

nope

he wouldn't go to the wedding of a friend of mine because it was her 2nd marriage

OP posts:
Plumm · 29/08/2010 12:51

On the basis of what they teach I would stop my DCs going on the week they don't have to.

What cult religion is that?

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 12:52

plumm - I know - its just a battle i've been working up to if that makes sense?

Weird religious cult I call it. All his family adhere. He didn't used to but got "saved" a few years ago

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 29/08/2010 12:57

Agree with plumm, why are you letting them go and experience that crap? I wouldn't even want them going there on the weekend he had them and I'd see a solicitor over it. What way it that to bring up children?

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:01

I know I know I know but its kind of a battle I've had to work up to

Honestly I do know

DS1 and DS2 already "belong" to the church.

DD1 is so bolshie like her mother and is already saying that she doesn't really want to go but she's scared to tell her daddy that she doesn't

OP posts: