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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Demand That My Ex

52 replies

bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 10:09

Returns the nice clothes I send the girls in when they go to his house?

Background - we have shared custody, he usually collects them on a Sunday morning so that he can take them to his weirdo sect church.

I dress them in nice clothes which I have bought for them.

He never sends the clothes back.

The last time I picked them up DD2 was in a pair of patched trousers which were far too short and a t-shirt with a hole in it, which I have washed, ironed and are now in a bag to be returned to him when I drop them up today (he can't collect them today)

So, AIBU to demand ask him to return the clothes which I bought which are at his house?

The agreement is that we are each responsible for them when we have them?

OP posts:
nomedoit · 29/08/2010 13:03

I wouldn't stop them going. Sounds like he will relish a fight over that, it will cost you a bomb in solicitor's fees and be very stressful for your DC's. I would concentrate on simply exposing them to other points of view in films and books.
Those types of religious organizations function by cutting members off from other points of view but your DC's are only going once a week and socializing outside the Church.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:10

nome - that's it exactly

they have all these cells and group meetings and stuff but my girls don't go to them a lot of the time because they're with me

DD1 also goes horse riding (she has her own pony) he's tried to stop that and make her go to church stuff and he's failed - the deal is if she wants to go and he has church stuff on then I take her

Wouldn't a solicitor say that he had a right to do what he wanted when he had them anyway?

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 29/08/2010 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinnieMummy · 29/08/2010 13:16

So if he were to meet someone else, he'd be in a moral quandary about whether or not to attend his own wedding??!

I'd be tempted to buy some cheap and nasty replica football kits or t-shirts with wildly inappropriate slogans on and send them in those. If your DCs agree that is!

SugarMousePink · 29/08/2010 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:20

Emmm minnie I did point that out to him

Apparently that would be all my fault lol

I have taken great delight in teaching the DD's the words to "Who the Fuck is Alice" "Patricia the Stripper" and "Centrefold"

Wicked huh???

OP posts:
Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:20

ROFL at the t-shirts

OP posts:
nomedoit · 29/08/2010 13:25

Yes, a court would allow him to take them. And he might end up getting permission for more activities. I would leave it well alone if it were me.

MinnieMummy · 29/08/2010 13:28

Ah of course, you clearly led him astray with your heathen ways... Hmm

I've got it - t-shirts with a pic of Richard Dawkins in a big shiny love heart...

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:35

Minnie - I led him from the path of righteousness

Seriously that's what he told me lol

T-shirt City Will Be Getting A Visit

T-shirts with a pic of Richard Dawkins in a Big Shiny Love Heart with very very short skirts

Gotta love it

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 29/08/2010 13:36

A court wouldn't necessarily say he could take them anywhere he wants, it depends on what effect it's having on the children and if it's harming them. Clearly those viewpoints would. I would push it with that as I certainly wouldn't want my children growing up thinking that women being controlled by men is acceptable.

You allowing them to go on "your" weekends is also contributing to the view that it's OK as well.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:38

Cheese - I know, but it's only in the past wee while that they've been saying they don't want to go.

Many of the activities you get a card "stamped" for every week you turn up and in order to get a prize at the end of the year you must turn up a set number of times.

Of course, they're kids, they wanted the "prize" so they WANTED to go to get their cards stamped

It's only really been over the summer that DD1 has been saying that she doesn't want to go.

One of the main reasons I left was because I didn't want the girls to think that was normal, and I wanted to show them a different life.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 29/08/2010 13:42

Sounds like your doing the right thing and the best you can :) Assume you won't be letting them go on your weekends now then if they don't want to go?

mamatomany · 29/08/2010 13:45

Well thank god (the real god) you left this loon.
No religion worth it's salt needs stamps and prizes to increase attendance.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:46

Cheese - nope, just have to work on DD2 now (she's 8)

I think a lot of exciting weekends out will be planned.

He didn't always used to be like that, when we got together he was totally against all that stuff but then he got "saved" just before DD2 was born and its been downhill since then

Mama - and bribery with chocolate bars for Sunday School attendance

Its a joke

OP posts:
TeddyBare · 29/08/2010 13:48

BBTB, this sounds like a really awkward situation. Do you have some kind of written document which states that clothing your dds is his responsibility at his house? Would it work to drag that out and point out in black and white that it's not your responsibility to provide everything for their time there? As for paying for the school uniform, do you think he is forgetful and won't get round to it without you nagging, or is he trying to avoid ever paying for it?
On a different note, how far do you believe the views of the church they're attending? (What church is it btw?) I think you would be within your rights to not send your dds to his church on weekends they're with you. Are you a member of a church? Maybe it would add some normality to their understanding of religion if you took them to a more open minded liberal church on your weekends if you still want them to go to a church. Are you doing anything to tackle the anti-woman messages it sounds like his church is teaching them? Dare I mention it, but the feminist section on here might be able to suggest some books or other materials for you or your dds to help if that was what you wanted that.

Nome - Do you mean that the OP's dh would get the right to take their dds to church on weekends when he didn't have them? Surely that would be against the joint residency, or are church commitments exempt?

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:52

There is a written deed of separation that states that we are both responsible for all aspects of care for the DD's when we have them (can't remember the exact words)

I honestly think he never intended to pay for the uniform

I don't believe the views of his church at all - that's one of the main reasons I left him. I can't, at the moment, face any church of any description because of the years of fighting against it within the marriage.

I've totally changed my life in the last year, totally and utterly, my DD1 told me yesterday she'd been telling her friends some of what I was doing and they were all proud of me !!!!

I don't think I can stop him taking them on his weekends, but I don't think he would FORCE them to go either.

I'll just be "busy" for the next few weekends when I have them. Visiting my mum. The Zoo. The Swimming pool etc

OP posts:
nomedoit · 29/08/2010 13:55

I mean he would be allowed to take them during his time with them and going to court might harden his position.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 13:58

Yeah nome that's what I thought and that's why I've been gradually slipping away from it rather than having a battle over it.

And making sure that he knows that its the DD's decision, not mine iyswim

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 29/08/2010 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeddyBare · 29/08/2010 14:05

Sorry, I?m a very slow writer so I missed your previous message before submitting that one. It sounds like you and your dds were really lucky to get out when you did! You should be feeling proud of yourself and it?s great that your dd1 does too. I don?t blame you for not wanting to go into another church again.
The trips away on your Sunday?s sounds like a really good idea. Do you think it is likely that he will object to that? It sounds like the church is one which will do anything for child members ? is it possible he / they will tell your dds stories which might scare them into wanting to go if they start to miss a lot of Sundays?

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 14:07

Teddy - he probably will try to scare them, all I can do I suppose is try to show them a different life and hope that as they get older they can see how weird his way of life is.

DD1 - age 11 - gets it already and is embarrassed at her Granny and some other members of the family.

The thing is, I've totally changed my life in the past lot of months, I'm off to uni in a couple of weeks!! He doesn't know, I wonder how long I'll be able to keep it a secret??

OP posts:
Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 14:11

PS I make a point of turning up in full make up (not allowed), trousers (also not allowed) or v short shorts or short skirt every time I have to see him

How immature am I?

OP posts:
TeddyBare · 29/08/2010 14:16

That's not immature, it's showing him that you are living your life by your own beliefs, and showing your dds that your life is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. If you dressed in a certain way to see him your dds would pick up on it and might think you were embarressed of the way you usually dress, or that he is right. I think you're doing the right thing wearing trousers there :)
Are your dds allowed to wear trousers? Can your younger dd play properly if she is only allowed to wear a skirt? I'm guessing that's less of an issue for an 11 year old, but wearing the "right" clothing is going to become more and more important for her as she gets older.

Original poster
bottyburpthebarbarian · 29/08/2010 14:21

Oh that is an issue with DD1 already - he has The Face down to a T - but she just makes it right back at him lol

She's a very strong personality.

DD2 is more compliant, if that makes sense, but she's starting to see what her sister is doing and stand up for herself a wee bit too - not before time

OP posts: