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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP's therapist has more than a professional interest in him?

56 replies

ReformedCharacter · 25/08/2010 19:21

DP has been seeing a therapist for about 6 weeks now. He goes every week and they talk and she gives him some homework. His homework is always something to do with going to watch an Arsenal football match - so, stuff like searching online, phoning the ticket office to find out prices, speaking to other people about matches etc... It sounds odd, I know, but I believe it's helping him.

Last week his homework was to phone someone every day and try to keep a conversation going for 10 minutes - this is to help him overcome his phone phobia. She has given him her mobile telephone no. and told him to call her at 8am in the morning while she's on her way to work if he can't think of anyone else to ring. I said nothing about this but I thought it was a bit odd. He did phone her, but only because he had to reschedule today's appt.

So, today he came home from seeing her and he was very pleased with himself. He announced that his therapist has 3 tickets to go and see Arsenal - cue me wondering why he needs 3 tickets when this was always supposed to be an outing for just him and DS. I'm embarrassed to say that I assumed the extra ticket was for me. Then he said that his therapist needed to clear it with her boss first , and that she would be going along with her friend and that the extra ticket was for DP . So her, her mate and DP. That's a bit strange isn't it? Personally I can't see her supervisor ok'ing it.

Am I being unreasonable because I'm not exactly thrilled about this?

OP posts:

sorrento56 · 25/08/2010 19:24

This sounds completely unethical.

QS · 25/08/2010 19:25

I would raise your concerns with the practice manager.

ib · 25/08/2010 19:25

Without knowing your dp's condition or how he is being treated for it it's impossible to say.

The phone thing sounds normal and appropriate to me.

SirBoobAlot · 25/08/2010 19:25

What type of therapist is she?

UnholyMoley · 25/08/2010 19:26

It does sound a little bit weird, but I have to say that when I had CBT a (good) few years ago, my counsellor offered to meet up with me in town so i could do some things I was having problems with (I was agoraphobic for a while). So possibly it's something along those lines? Also, she's taking her boyfriend too, so it's unlikely she's trying to get in his pants.

NW20 · 25/08/2010 19:26

Sounds very unprofessional and there surely must be some rules about socialising with patients.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/08/2010 19:27

Depends.

Support workers accompany service users to things. To support them and enable them to access something they would otherwise struggle with for whatever reason. Perhaps this is something along those lines?

Original poster

ReformedCharacter · 25/08/2010 19:28

ib, DP has been a bit depressed. He has issues regarding his childhood - was raised in very religious family and not allowed to mix with others. He generally feels inadequate around other men and he tends to avoid things because he fears his 'inadequacy' will be discovered and he'll be laughed at.

He's very nice, a bit naive. I think he's attractive.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 25/08/2010 19:30

Oh, by the way - the phone thing is normal. I imagine it will be her work mobile, and this won't be the first time its been done.

When I was first arranging the transfer from CAMHS to adult services, I was asked whether I would like to go to the hospital, have my CPN come to my house, or meet her in town / elsewhere. Though she's never suggested she take me to see a football match, I admit!

TotalChaos · 25/08/2010 19:31

sounds above board to me, that it's another aspect of helping him with social anxiety/feeling uncomfortable around men.

Original poster

ReformedCharacter · 25/08/2010 19:34

SirBoob, I don't know what type of therapist she is. DP was referred by his GP and she helps him with practical skills and self-esteem.

I don't know if I'm that bothered about it really. He has learnt an awful lot from this woman and I'd like to think she's doing it because she can see what a nice guy DP is and that he just needs a bit of acceptance to feel comfortable.

I think I feel a bit left out.

OP posts:

sloanypony · 25/08/2010 19:34

Now I have that context it sounds reasonable actually.

UnholyMoley · 25/08/2010 19:34

I would imagine if he has issues being around other men then a footie match would be a good place to address those. If he attends one with her, she can talk him through his anxieties as they happen, suggest ways of dealing with them and talk him through any panic.

She's probably taking her boyfriend too as a kind of chaperone for exactly the reasons you're concerned, although I would have thought an impartial observer would have been better, perhaps that's why she's having to ok it with her boss.

It sounds almost identical to what my counsellor offered. I had a big problem with queues in shops, sounds silly, doesn't it? but she said she'd come and stand in some queues with me

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/08/2010 19:39

I'm really torn on this

This sounds like CBT, and as UnholeyMoley says, if your DP has agoraphobia or a social phobia/anxiety - "exposure" to the feared activity could be part of the treatment. The fact that she's been open about asking permission from her supervisor suggests it's above board.

I used to be a Clin Psychologist, and when I was training i did accompany a couple of people with agoraphobia on shopping trips to help teach relaxation and other coping strategies.

But I certainly wouldn't do anything like that at the weekend. It strikes me as unusual. not necessarily supect, but borne of inexperience possibly

I'm not sure what the guidelines are, depending on her profession -

TotalChaos · 25/08/2010 19:44

/hijack - what was your issue with queues? was it about people looking at you, or getting a hemmed in feeling? I'm having issues with queues atm

UnholyMoley · 25/08/2010 19:49

Hi TC

I had a generalised anxiety disorder, which because it went untreated for a good while meant that I ended up virtually agoraphobic, although thankfully it didn't get to the stage when I was completely housebound.

My major issues were with being noticed or being the centre of attention, I just wanted to be in invisible I suppose. The queue thing was a problem because I would have to stand there in full view of strangers, some of whom I could see because they were behind me and the thoughts would start about how I must stand absolutely normally, and I mustn't throw up.... blah blah blah, I could go on but I'd sound even madder than I was, and I actually think this kind of thing happens to a lot of people at some point in their lives.

That's it in a nutshell.

Original poster

ReformedCharacter · 25/08/2010 19:50

Have just had a tearful chat with DP . I'm not usually the jealous type so this has thrown me. I really wish I'd not brought it up now because he's saying that he won't go. I don't want him to offend his therapist, even if she has crossed a boundary, because she really has opened doors up for him.

Unholy, bless you with your queue phobia. I think it's fantastic that your counsellor could give you practical support like that and feel suitably ashamed that I've been suspicious.

Jamie, thanks for your input on this. I think you're right about it being borne of inexperience. DP says she's quite young so who knows, perhaps he's her first client?

OP posts:

sorky · 25/08/2010 19:54

is the football match not on a weekend because that's when Arsenal play?

It's highly likely that your DP was asked to suggest the next step and she is tailoring the treatment to his interests and priorities.

Given the fact she's clearing it with her boss and ensuring there will be someone else there, I wouldn't be too worried.

Perhaps you could talk to him about your worries, he might not be aware of how you feel.

I personally don't think you have a right to contact her manager unless you suspect abuse of some sort and your DP is not in a position to decision-make himself.

He's an adult. His therapy is his business.

As long as he's comfortable and happy with his treatment....

UnholyMoley · 25/08/2010 19:55

Don't feel ashamed, I can see that you might think it strange if you don't know about this kind of therapy. It just happened that my counsellor was a woman so we didn't have the possibility of an attraction going on in that way (I don't think she was gay, anyway).

I didn't take her up on the offer in the end anyway, because I was terrified I'd bump into someone I knew and have to explain who she was. Arf.

I'm all better now though. Or at least I know what my triggers are and how to manage them. I haven't had a full on panic attack in years, hurrah!

cupcakesandbunting · 25/08/2010 19:57

If she was going above and beyind her call of duty and being unethical, she's taking a hell of a risk here. My instinct would tell me that she is just acting within the confines of her job, but obviously it's your instinct that counts.

Original poster

ReformedCharacter · 25/08/2010 19:59

Oh God no, I would NEVER contact her manager. I'm worried that she might be a MNer and will read this and feel bad...

If you are reading, I'm very sorry. I'm very grateful for all that you've done for DP

Yes, the Arsenal thing came up because he used it as an example of how he misses out on things because of his feelings of inadequacy. I know I've been stupid now, and I don't want to interfere with his treatment.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 25/08/2010 20:01

Unholey - thanks for the answer, sorry for asking such a nosey question, I can really identify with wanting to be invisible....

UnholyMoley · 25/08/2010 20:07

It's fine TC, I don't mind talking about it all, especially if it helps others (sorry for the hijack, ReformedC). If I end up feeling daft about what I've said I can always name change

You know, the only real way to get over it is to do the things that scare you. Small things to start with building up to the bigger ones. Perhaps with a little medication to make the first steps, like low doses of propranolol which mask the physical effects of the panic attack, and doing those first small things on days when you feel good.

It does take time and there will be wobbles along the way but coming out the other end is a revelation.

I still have a problem sitting in the middle of the row at the cinema or theatre because I need an escape route with as little fuss as possible 'just in case', but there have been a couple of occasions recently when that wasn't possible because we had to take whatever seats were left, and I didn't actually die! Marvellous, is was

bigstripeytiger · 25/08/2010 20:07

I think that this sounds a little odd.
Who is paying for the football tickets? To go along at a weekend, with a friend of hers to a football match with him is crossing a boundary IMO.

I agree though that it sounds like inexperience rather than anything else. Her supervisor should be able to advise her.

TotalChaos · 25/08/2010 20:15

thanks unholey, yep, can identify with wanting escape routes!

sorry for hijack, OP

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