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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's therapist has more than a professional interest in him?

56 replies

ReformedCharacter · 25/08/2010 19:21

DP has been seeing a therapist for about 6 weeks now. He goes every week and they talk and she gives him some homework. His homework is always something to do with going to watch an Arsenal football match - so, stuff like searching online, phoning the ticket office to find out prices, speaking to other people about matches etc... It sounds odd, I know, but I believe it's helping him.

Last week his homework was to phone someone every day and try to keep a conversation going for 10 minutes - this is to help him overcome his phone phobia. She has given him her mobile telephone no. and told him to call her at 8am in the morning while she's on her way to work if he can't think of anyone else to ring. I said nothing about this but I thought it was a bit odd. He did phone her, but only because he had to reschedule today's appt.

So, today he came home from seeing her and he was very pleased with himself. He announced that his therapist has 3 tickets to go and see Arsenal - cue me wondering why he needs 3 tickets when this was always supposed to be an outing for just him and DS. I'm embarrassed to say that I assumed the extra ticket was for me. Then he said that his therapist needed to clear it with her boss first Hmm, and that she would be going along with her friend and that the extra ticket was for DP Shock. So her, her mate and DP. That's a bit strange isn't it? Personally I can't see her supervisor ok'ing it.

Am I being unreasonable because I'm not exactly thrilled about this?

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 25/08/2010 20:20

I think it's ill advised and unethical. She could be supporting him with a more appropriate plan for attending the match, eg supporting him to get the tickets so he and you, or he and a friend, could attend.
Her role in my humble opinion does not need to extend to going with him. Even if her intentions are purely good I think it's encouraging an over-familiarity and over-dependence on her rather than fostering skills for him to use independently. I wouldn't say this strikes me as good practice.

wolfnipplechips · 25/08/2010 20:33

YANBU. Its natural your jealous another woman has a relationship albeit a proffesional one with your DP. This is why she shouldn't be doing this, she's blurring the lines. She is probably just inexperienced but all the same you husband should just go back and say he's spoken to you and your not happy with the arrangement, don't feel bad about it your not in the wrong. She will see how it looks and organise something else and probably be very embarassed.

wolfnipplechips · 25/08/2010 20:35

by the way the place where i work has lots of Cognative behavioural therapists, they give all our patients homework and are very supportive but would never go anywhere private.

She should also have not discussed with your dp before she had ok'd it with her boss.

KarmaAngel · 25/08/2010 22:30

The fact that she is taking a friend with her suggests that it is above board. And is it not at the weekend because that's when most football matches are played? I can understand you feeling jealous and suspicious, hell I would! But if it will help your DH then maybe you should just let it happen. It's not like your DH will go off and have an affair with this woman. You may just have to swallow your jealousy for the time being, as hard as that may be. (I understand how hard that can be). YANBU BTW.

Heracles · 26/08/2010 00:42

Surely all her work has been building up to this? If she sent him alone and he freaked out you'd be double pissed off, probably.

I'd be more concerned your DP is a Gooner, frankly... Wink

SolidGoldBrass · 26/08/2010 00:56

If your DP needs this level of intensive therapy then life must be pretty hard for you. Do you have sources of support?
I'm not knocking him - it's obviously a good thing that he is seeking help for his MH issues, but living with a partner who has MH issues is very draining and it's very easy to slip into a situation where everything revolves around the person with MH issues and his needs - you need to remember that you matter too, and that you get time off from caretaking.

Original poster
ReformedCharacter · 26/08/2010 01:39

Heracles Grin

Thank you SGB. I am not really in a position to moan about my situation as DP stood by me during my years of active alcoholism [dodges rotten tomatoes].

I am acutely aware that DP is 'better' than I am in the eyes of just about everybody.

I've made us sound like a right pair of losers now, I know.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 26/08/2010 01:44

RC: The fact that you are a recovering alcoholic and that he stood by you does not entitle him to your devoted uncomplaining service for the rest of your life. Of course it's a good thing that he supported you, but that doesn;t mean you have to be so grateful that you allow him to mistreat you now that he's the one with MH problems. Presumably he had outside support of some kind (it's pretty much impossible to live with an active alcoholic longterm without external support). It's OK for you to have outside support now.

Original poster
ReformedCharacter · 26/08/2010 02:48

Shit! I must have posted as the site went offline.

Night SGB if you're still around

OP posts:
gtamom · 26/08/2010 06:43

You said
"cue me wondering why he needs 3 tickets when this was always supposed to be an outing for just him and DS."

Well, she has to clear it with her supervisor first, so it may all be for nothing, if they say no. However, I do not see really why they are going to the game together, as you mentioned he does this with his ds. So, it is not like he has not been able to face going up until now.
What is the reason for this outing, I would want to know that.

sanielle · 26/08/2010 07:59

reformedcharacter
I don't think you have been stupid at all, it is would be easy to worry about a partner in this situatuation. Unlike a friend or work colleague the therapist has the upper hand.

YANBU to have neen nervous. But it sounds above board so hope your dp does go.

sanielle · 26/08/2010 08:02

Also I think it makes sense for you not to go. He needs to learn to be comfortable with out you.

susy80 · 26/08/2010 08:03

I don't think that sounds very professional to be honest. Is she getting paid to do this or not and would it be in working hours?

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 26/08/2010 08:07

I'm sure you have nothing to feel jealous about, as it does sound like she's just trying to help. But as somebody who has had therapy (cognitive behavioural) and been in a psychiatric unit, I can assure you this is absolutely unprofessional. Which is a real shame actually as she sounds great.

It's a bit awkward as you've admitted you were jealous, but TBH I think it needs to be nipped in the bud for her sake. If the clinic/company she works for is at all decent, they would absolutely forbid this IMO - and she may get in trouble and that would be awful if he ended up losing his therapist!

2rebecca · 26/08/2010 08:18

I think it sounds as though she's a bit inexperienced and is just trying to help your husband. I agree that with social phobias a person like your husband can become overly dependant on their spouse, so advising him to go to football match with you would not be as therapeutic as going with someone else. She is taking a friend.

I would expect this to be a 1 off though and would not expect them to start going on little outings together regularly.

Psychologists and therapists do have different guidelines to doctors, who are unlikely to socialise in this way with a patient, especially a married patient as a part of therapy.

It can be difficult having a partner who is having therapy. I had a boyfriend who was having weekly therapy. I hated the idea of him discussing our relationship with someone else. It felt like a betrayal to me. I was much younger and more insecure at the time though, but would probably still feel uncomfortable if husband went for therapy.

Animation · 26/08/2010 08:23

A counsellor or psychotherapist does NOT work outside the therapy room - it goes against their code of ethics.

I can only think this "therapist" is a psychiatric nurse - as they are the only professional that sees clients' in their own environment.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 26/08/2010 12:43

clinical Psychologists sometimes work with people in their own homes - I worked with elderly people

hettie · 26/08/2010 13:42

Animation- that is not true of people practising cognitive behavioural therapy (or indeed sometimes long term psychodynamic therapy). None of the governing bodies code of ethics specificaly ban seeing a patient outside of the therapy room. Indeed sometimes it can be very useful and clinicaly necessary. For example your therapist might go with you to a place with lifts (if you have a lift phobia) or help you back on the tube/into a car if you have post traumatic stress disorder after a car/tube/train accident.....
What might be a little odd about this is the context. Reading the op it sounds like the fear/phobia is about using the phone? So I am assuming public spaces/crowds hold no fear for the op's dp? If going to an arsenal game would cause him anxiety then it's a perfectly legit thing to do.

Animation · 26/08/2010 18:01

Hettie - I'm talking about contracted therapy sessions. Each session is generally an hour long, occurs in a therapy room and communication in between sessions is only ever minimal.

Clients are only visited at home if they have more acute mental health problems, not by counsellors or psychotherapists, - usually a psychiatric nurse, psychologist or social worker. Yes, all these professionals may practice Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

It could be legit to go to an Arsnal game but seems a bit above and beyond the call of duty to me.

tiredemma · 26/08/2010 18:07

I am a Psychiatric Nurse and have been out socially with service users to concerts, galleries, shopping- but all this done in a 'support worker' role- this is quite the norm in MH

Not sure about the situation with the OP though. sounds a bit odd tbh.

cumfy · 26/08/2010 19:07

The therapist must have been fully aware of all these and other possible consequences.

Intriguing. Wonder whether its a ruse to see what your response was ?

MinnieMummy · 26/08/2010 19:16

I don't think she has more than a professional interest in him BUT I do think it's very very poor boundary management and not something I'd do ever. Hopefully her supervisor will put her straight.

I don't think you sound unreasonable or ungrateful for her help btw.

MinnieMummy · 26/08/2010 19:24

I meant the footie if it wasn't clear; I would say it's ok to call.

cumfy · 26/08/2010 20:22

Have just re-read and am slightly confused by one bit:

this was always supposed to be an outing for just him and DS.

I'm not sure I understand who DS is as they don't appear to be mentioned anywhere else; and what were these prior plans ?

Original poster
ReformedCharacter · 26/08/2010 22:19

Sorry, have been out all day. Thanks for all the replies everyone.

Cumfy, DS is our 8 year old son. As part of DP's homework he has started to go along with him to local matches and loves it. I don't think it's fair for him to be left out to be honest but we'll get by that just by not telling him about it.

I got in a bit of a state when I went to bed last night and had a long talk with DP about how this has made me feel. I have built up resentment through the years that we rarely do anything as a couple because DP either refuses or spoils things by making it so obvious he would rather be at home. I am insecure and that comes down to having low self-worth. I've always known DP was a good catch, and that if he was more confident he could do better than me. I have this underlying fear that he will leave me.

We've not spoken about it today and I'm just going to leave it and see how it develops.

OP posts:
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