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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it upsetting/strange when a close friend shows no interest in my children?

64 replies

Cortina · 24/08/2010 13:48

I have a very close friend who is single and would very much like to find a partner and have children herself.

I have a son who is 6 and my close friend has shown no interest in him at all since he was born. Never bought a Birthday present or even acknowledged his existence really, it's bizarre. I try not to mention him too much when we see each other, as I know children are a sensitive point, but her attitude is beginning to bug me now.

It was his Birthday recently and I mentioned it briefly in an email She ignored the reference. I've been single when close friends have married and had children and I always put personal feelings aside and was happy for them and have taken an interest in their children.

She wants to meet someone, she's 40 but won't do anything to make this happen/increase her chances of this happening. I feel so frustrated with her sometimes. She's a wonderful person in every other respect.

OP posts:

MintyBadger · 24/08/2010 13:50

I imagine she's either finding it painful or isn't as good a friend as you think she is.
Do you still have a good relationship with her?

compo · 24/08/2010 13:51

I think it's fine for her not to buy him a birthday present or card tbh
bit odd not to ask about him though but tbh I'm not really interested in other people's children either
I find it hard to feign interest in my nephews and neices , lol

werewolf · 24/08/2010 13:52

Can you not just accept that she's not into children?

I find it a bit bizarre that you expect her to buy a present for your son's birthday...

kreecherlivesupstairs · 24/08/2010 13:54

I've got good friends who have no interest in my DD. I think she is sensational and funny, they on the other hand don't find her half as fascinating as me. YANBU, but I can understand her. One of my friends is really into mountaineering. I, on the other hand, couldn't give a flying fuck about crampons and pics.

hairytriangle · 24/08/2010 13:54

YABU. This is not bizarre. Why should she pay any interest to your children? Some people just aren't interested in other people's children.

I love all my friends children, but not everyone is like that.

I think your attitude is bizarre.

GeekOfTheWeek · 24/08/2010 13:55

I have no interest in others children either, but, I do at least pretend so as to not upset.

grapeandlemon · 24/08/2010 13:56

I couls have written your post about many of my friends actually. I find it quite bizarre but have just got used to it over the years.

YANBU but you just have to accept it.

scurryfunge · 24/08/2010 13:57

Other people's children are usually very dull, I'm afraid.

GooseyLoosey · 24/08/2010 13:57

You can't expect her to be interested in him. You were her friend before you had children, your friend never signed up for them as part of the friendship package. Tbh, I am fascinated my every hair on the heads of my dcs, but also find it difficult to feign sustained interest in other people's children - they are not really that interesting.

sanielle · 24/08/2010 13:59

I think it must be horrible to be 40, wanting children, not in a position to have any in the immediate future and be expected to buy gifts for all your friend's children. Sorry I think YABU. I haven't got any children but have wanted them for years, luckily at my age only one good friend has a child so I don't have to "play auntie" to evereyone's kids. At 40 most of her friend's have probably got kids.

pagwatch · 24/08/2010 13:59

she isn't interested in your children. I often have to pretend to be interested in my nephews and neices.
It isn't unusual. Other peoples children are dull and when you don't have any , you simply don't get that showing interest in someone child is an act of kindness to them and not their child.

I can see why you are a bit but you should see it from her point of view rather than your pink child-adoring goggles

I doubt she means it. It is a bit thoughtless but it doesn't mean she cares less about you.
If you like her I would get over it.

gramercy · 24/08/2010 13:59

Bit of both, really.

I have spent years studiously not mentioning my dcs to childless friends. Then, when they've had children, I've had to listen to hours of every minute detail of pregnancy, childbirth, babyhood...

It makes me a bit cross that a couple of people couldn't see that with hindsight they could have shown a slight bit of interest now that they were expecting me to participate in their child's every movement.

Original poster

Cortina · 24/08/2010 13:59

We've been close since we were 4, like sisters. Our families are intertwined. I love her brothers and sisters children like my own family. We've shared everything, every disappointment, every joy.

I've been there for her through thick and thin as she has for me. I love her as a sister.

I met DP relatively late in life. She's not a fan of DP. When my son was born she acted like he wasn't there and hadn't been born. I think this is strange and hurtful. Actually I think I am going to tell her. This Birthday thing was the last straw, she was invited to the (family) BBQ party but can't make it. It isn't that she hasn't ever bought a present, that's not it at all.

OP posts:

lorelilee · 24/08/2010 14:01

I must admit, I find it a bit difficult too that some of my friends show no interest in my children, but I have to keep reminding myself that I was the same before I had them - I just viewed them as an obstacle to fun with my friends. That's life, I'm afraid.

Indaba · 24/08/2010 14:02

Sorru, but I think YABU

Why should she be interested in your child?

I had no interest in kids pre having some, and not that interested in anyone elses even now. Though I do pretend very hard!

If she is a friend, you will ignore it.

We are all different, thank the Lord!

Original poster

Cortina · 24/08/2010 14:05

She's like a sister Indaba. Would a sister not visit the baby, not acknowledge it, ever, not ever visit it or really care about it one way or another? I know we can't all love babies and I can't bear it either when people drone on and on about their kids BUT...Isn't that a bit strange and hurtful?

OP posts:

Onetoomanycornettos · 24/08/2010 14:07

I sympathise completely, Cortina, it's not that you want her gushing over him, or buying him gifts, or even her being interested in talking about him on the phone, but to simply not acknowledge in any way that you have a new baby, or then a son starting school, or anything makes you feel distanced and weird with this person. You can't share your normal everyday life with them, and end up hiding evidence you have a child.

It's not about her worshipping your child, it's about acknowledging the reality of your life. Presumably you feign interest when she tells you the details of her love-life (actually I never have to feign interest, I love to hear about that stuff) and expect the smallest flicker of response in return.

I know as one of my friends has been like this for the past six years. Everyone else, with or without children, is just normal, asks after the children, but it's no big deal and it's not what we talk about all the time. For the person in denial, it is a big deal all the time, it's the elephant in the room and you end up jumping through hoops to indulge their denial.

I wouldn't be fussed about one non-attendance at a BBQ, or the lack of a pressie, but I would and am fussed about a complete lack of interest in an important part of my life for six years, and I guess you are too.

catherinedenerve · 24/08/2010 14:07

Wow!
Is it how it is for you people?
You do not expect your friends to show some minimal politeness towards your children?
You do not expect them to acknowlege them as valid human being taking up a good share of your interest?

GooseyLoosey · 24/08/2010 14:07

Your last posts make the situation sound a bit different. This clearly os more than hnormal indifference. Perhaps the only way she csn deal with the fact your are happilly married with a child and she is not is to ignore the fact, accepting it might be painful for her. I can see your problem now though.

Original poster

Cortina · 24/08/2010 14:10

Onetoomanycornettos you are absolutely spot on and have put it better than I could!!!!!

Catherinedenerve I agree.

OP posts:

MintyBadger · 24/08/2010 14:12

I think, cortina, that it's probably not about you or your son at all, it's probably that she either doesn't want a family and finds the idea uninteresting, or that she does, and is getting desperate and is upset.
I would be upset if a friend didn't show any interest. I did have one friend like that at the time I started having children, and it turned out she and her partner had been trying for a baby for ten years. She just couldn't make herself pretend not to be upset so she held back.

Also think back to when you didn't have a child: there is so much you don't understand about the emotion of it, until it happens. She might simply underestimate how important it is to parents that their children aren't ignored.

capricorn76 · 24/08/2010 14:13

YANBU I think its weird that she has been your friend since you were 4 and won't acknowledge that you have a child. She doesn't have to be all over him like a second mother but at least act like he exists. He's a big part of your life.

curlymama · 24/08/2010 14:14

Sorry, but I think YABU too. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care about your son, just that she hasn't got children, so will have no idea how you feel about this, or lots of other things. I know you say that you have been friends nearly all your lives, but that doesn't mean she should pretend to be interested in your children. I have a simelar friend, who is lovely but it's only now that she is trying for her own that she has started asking things about mine. Before that, even if I told her things she wouldn't get it, or be interested so there was no point. I'd rather just be me when I am around my old friends, not xxxx's Mummy. That's what my other Mummy friends that I met at ante natal or school are for.

Try not to take it personally, I know that's not easy though when it comes to your dc's. She could be thinking that she doesn't see why she should have to be all child friendly just because you chose to procreate. YOU are her friend, your child will make his own friends.

smellmycheese · 24/08/2010 14:20

shocking how many people think its fine to have no interest whatsoever in the children of people they claim to be friends (or even family!) with!

Don't think OP is expecting to be able to 'drone on' about her DS all day, or recieve presents etc, but if someone is a close friend they should at least ask if they're ok!

If you're someone's true friend then you should show an interest in things that are important to them! A good friend of mine has recently started her own business as a make up artist. I have no interest in make up, and find it boring as a subject, but its an important part of her life right now, so i make sure I ask her how it's going when I see her. Its not that hard to be polite FGS!

OP URNBU if all you want is for a close friend to show some interest in the most important thing in your life!

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 24/08/2010 14:22

I would never expect my single/childless friends to send my children birthday cards or gifts (except their godparents, I suppose). If your friend is that close to you I probably would expect her to mention your son or ask after him occasionally, though either because she was genuinely interested or just because she's your friend and she knows that he's important to you just as, in kreecher's example, if you had a friend who was heavily into mountaineering you'd occasionally ask "So, been on any interesting climbs recently?" whether you actually cared about climbing or not.

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