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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

because judging by the reaction of the old 'dears' around me, I fear that maybe I am ...

109 replies

plonker · 20/08/2010 16:18

Ok, so let me set the scene

Me and the 3 dc shopping in ...no, I'm not telling you where in case it clouds judgement

We are at the end of the 'big' shop and have loaded the shopping on the belt. Dd's have some sweeties (unopened btw, just clarifying) and have sat down on the seats opposite the till whilst I load the shopping.

Dd2 (7yo) and dd3 (3yo) have an, ahem, altercation, resulting in my angelic 3yo pinching her sister whilst mt equally angelic 7yo boots her in the shins in retaliation. Juuuust your typical shopping trip Hmm

Anyway, I took the sweets straight off the girls (obviously) whilst they protested their innocence. They were told quite clearly that fighting children do not deserve treats. The children apologised after a few minutes and apologised to each other giving each other a hug. All going well, yes?

So (and here is the part where I think I must have committed some huge faux pas), I accepted the girls' apologies and gave them back their sweets Shock Shock

Dear me, the tutting that ensued from an elderly couple behind me because that "never happened in their day ...naughty children shouldn't get rewards ..."

Was it really so bad to give the girls the sweets? Confused

Was I unreasonable?

Go on, give it to me, I can take it

OP posts:
sanielle · 20/08/2010 17:41

it was asda or waitrose I bet Thelunar66.. Both stores bring out the judgy in people

smallwhitecat · 20/08/2010 17:42

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moondog · 20/08/2010 17:44

I wouldn't have given them the sweets, no.

Got to laugh at all the peopel earnestly proclaiming they don't use food for rewards.

Oh really?

So, no wine on a Friday night, no fizz for a celebration, no special meals.

Haha!
And this from a nation addicted to self medicating with food and drink.

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 17:50

For my children, I mean, when their relationship with food is developing.

And the fact that we are a nation addicted to self medicating is why I dont.

And whether you are talking about children OR adults, there is a massive difference between a birthday cake for instance, and having a packet of chocolate buttons because you did well on your maths test, for instance.

So when it comes to feeding my children, behaviour does not come into the choices I make for what they eat, and when it comes to behaviour and punishments or rewards if applicable, food does not come into it. The two do not collide.

And the fact that I might choose to scoff a chocolate bar or drink some wine if I've had a bad day may well be everything to do with the fact that when I was growing up, the two were intertwined.

moondog · 20/08/2010 17:54

So it's a case of do as I say, not as I do eh?

It is patent nonsense to state that food/drink are not tied up with reward.
Of course they are!!! It's how the world works.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/08/2010 17:55

so, people shouldn't even try to change things then and just keep the status quo?

thesecondcoming · 20/08/2010 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 18:00

But I dont really, to be honest. I tend to have a glass of wine every 2nd night regardless of the day I've had, and more because its night than any other factor. If I chose to eat a chocolate bar for that reason alone (I dont really, to be honest, I'm trying to get my last bit of baby weight off) then my children wouldn't know why I was eating it anyway.

So they are not going to learn it by doing it or from example - the behaviour is not displayed in the house.

But as parents we sometimes have to adopt a do as I say not as I do approach. If I'm drinking a glass of wine, I'm not going to let my child have one, am I?

Its not like my children see me "reward" my husband for taking the bins out by giving him some chocolate buttons, is it? (Not that I would - everyone knows that's a man's job {grin] )

They get a variety of foods including some "treat" foods but we dont call them treats, and they come out when I decide, but they dont know there is any criteria. I make the decisions in the kitchen and in the shop - and its not based on anyone's behaviour, that's just the way it is and it works for us.

When it comes to various guidelines and publications on childhood obeseity and preventing it, this comes up time and time again - about not using it as punishment or reward, not using it to comfort children, and not doing it to relieve boredom (like the choccie buttons in pushchair type scenario). Seems sensible so I chose to adopt that philosophy

moondog · 20/08/2010 18:00
Grin
BeenBeta · 20/08/2010 18:00

Do your supermarket shopping online.

Avoid fighting children and judgey old people. Grin

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 18:02

Sorry about all those typos.

moondog · 20/08/2010 18:03

What 'guidelines and policies' are those Sloany and why do you think they have authority?

I;d argue you deserve chocolate more for doing well on a maths test than you do a cake fro your birthday as the former is something you have strived for whereas a birthday is quite simply, a chance occurence.

sorrento56 · 20/08/2010 18:06

I would have taken the sweets off them and said they could have them after tea as long as there was no more kicking or unacceptable behaviour. I wouldn't have cared what anyone said but may have answered them back if they were critical.

thesecondcoming · 20/08/2010 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 18:07

I didn't say policies, I said publications. They are on the food standares agency website, change for life, etc.

There are guidelines on preventing childhood obesity produced by FSA and DOH that mention these points.

""I;d argue you deserve chocolate more for doing well on a maths test than you do a cake fro your birthday as the former is something you have strived for whereas a birthday is quite simply, a chance occurence".

You are missing the point. You dont deserve chocolate anymore than you deserve broccoli or deserve toast. Its food. If you eat it, its food. Yes, you should eat less chocolate than you eat broccoli over the course of a year or you wont be healthy but thats a different issue. When it comes to deserving it, you dont. You just eat it. You get hungry, you eat. There is no deserving or earning involved in it. I provide the food, they eat it.

silverfrog · 20/08/2010 18:09

sloany - but surely the chocolate buttons for doing well on a maths test (eg) are a reward for behaving the way you want - ie working hard, maybe revising (dpending on age)

unless you are talking about rewarding natural genius Grin

you are still trying to shape behaviour by rewarding with food.

diddl · 20/08/2010 18:09

I would have given them later in the day maybe or the next day.

Apologising is just good manners-not deserving of a reward.

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 18:13

"sloany - but surely the chocolate buttons for doing well on a maths test (eg) are a reward for behaving the way you want - ie working hard, maybe revising (dpending on age)"

That's right - I wouldn't do either! The point I was trying to make (badly, probably) was in response to Moondog talking about birthday cake - I dont really think having a cake on a birthday is a reward, as such, just a tradition. And it certainly wouldnt be seen as a reward if its never used as a reward at any other time. Whereas giving chocolate buttons for doing well on a maths test is using food as a reward.

I dont really see birthday cake as a reward, only a tradition. It would be a reward if you only got it if you behaved at your birthday party.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 20/08/2010 18:13

I would probably have done what you did.

But I think I would have been wrong.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 20/08/2010 18:14

..... this is why I shop online

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 18:18

Oh sorry, she didn't actually mention birthday cake, only fizz at celebrations. I must have thought of birthday cake as the child relevant food equivalent. Sorry for confusion.

moondog · 20/08/2010 18:26

I did mention birthday cake actually and I see your point about it being a tradition.

As for the other stuff..

'You dont deserve chocolate anymore than you deserve broccoli or deserve toast. Its food. If you eat it, its food. Yes, you should eat less chocolate than you eat broccoli over the course of a year or you wont be healthy but thats a different issue. When it comes to deserving it, you dont. You just eat it. You get hungry, you eat. There is no deserving or earning involved in it. I provide the food, they eat it.'

I'm not with you on this. Well I am to an extent in that I don';t pander or bribe or trade off.

Sweets and snacks aren't a regular part of our lives. They are special and only come out on special occasions.Sometimes that might be an arbitrary occasion decided by me, on most ocasions however it is as, if you like, a reward for doing something really well.

They love it and appreciate it.
I have ofr example been working on change and multiplication with one of my kids and we set her up a little shop full of real items of food. I told her when she was able to do specific tasks within certain timescales, she could choose an item daily from the shop to eat.

She was/is really excited about this. Breakfast is butterscotch angel delight (). It will be such a higlight for her.

I've absolutely no problem with this, have no food hang ups whatsoever, am slim and very healthy and fit and will reward myself with a cold beer after I;ve been for my imminent run.

sloanypony · 20/08/2010 18:30

Well, that's fine Moondog, if that's working for you, keep doing what you are doing! You dont need me to approve, do you?

You pulled me (and others who say no food for punishment or reward) up on our philosophy, not the other way round.

I have responded to your points and clarified why I think that way and why I do it.

Its different to your philospophy.

That's fine!

We dont have a lot of sweets or general crap either. We are all slim fit and healthy too. But when we do, its not as a reward, and if we were to not have it, it wouldn't be because they are being punished. That's all.

thesecondcoming · 20/08/2010 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 20/08/2010 18:36

tsc - 'scuse the hijack - I missed your baby news as I have been away. Congratulations!. Am very interested in the name you finally chose, but would quite understand if you don't want to tell here ...
A clue perhaps?