to ask DH not to kiss DS goodbye in the mornings?

[notanumber]

Am currently on maternity leave, at home full time with 2.5 year old DS and six week old DD.

DH has a demanding job and does his fair share of the childcare and housework when he gets home from work, I have absolutely no complaints there.

He fairly often spends week-nights sleeping in another room as DD wakes to feed three or four times and he can't really work properly after a night of such disturbed sleep. I fully support him doing this and don't begrudge him the unbroken sleep (though wish I could have some too!).

However... when he leaves for work in the morning, he says goodbye to me and DD (who is asleep at this point) and then goes in to DS's room and kisses him goodbye. Now DS is usually on his way to wakefulness at this point and Daddy coming in wakes him up properly.

This means that Ds - in true toddler fashion - is immediately racing about demanding breakfast and wanting me to play with his trains and tell him whether clouds are girls or boys and find his blue wellies and God knows what else.

If DH didn't rouse him, DS wouldn't wake for at least another twenty minutes meaning I would get a precious twenty minutes weeping defeatedly over a sleep training manual to just prepare myself for the day and try to get myself into a fit state to look after the children without losing the plot. Or possibly just get another twenty minutes sleep.

It's only twenty minutes I know, but I'm really really knackered at the moment and the full on-ness of DS immediately as I wake up is really hard work and I'd do so much better if I had that tiny bit of breathing space in the morning before he wakes up naturally.

So...AIBU to ask DH not to kiss DS goodye in the mornings, even though DH loves doing it and thinks it's really important for their relationship?

Agree Onetoomany - who on earth wakes a sleeping child in order to give him/her a goodbye kiss? And as Stubborn says - it sounds as if this is what your DH wants more than anything else. If you don't ever start that habit, then the child never misses it - or if you do start it, then they also very quickly get used to it if the rountine has to change and that parent can't give them their goodbye kiss in the morning. Sheesh - what a fuss over nothing.

Why can't your DH kiss DS as soon as dh gets up, when ds is in deeper sleep? DH would then have a good bye kiss and you'll get your sleep?

"Yes you have a 6 wk old baby but bloody hell, you also have an older child who needs to know that his father loves him - and a DH who needs to express that love."

yeah, right, and the ONLY possible way to express that love is to wake him up 10 mins before he's ready to wake up, to kiss him

i find that view rather odd, and that is the polite version of what i want to say

I wonder how all the 'YABU' posters on here would feel if their DCs were woken up early every morning deliberately- bloody annoyed I should imagine!

It sounds to me like your DH is using this as an excuse to get you out of bed. Even though he knows you are awake in the night, I bet he feels irked that you're snoozing when he leaves the house. He probably knows that this is entirely unreasonable of him but this is a really brilliant way of dragging you out of bed while retaining good daddy points.

i once asked dh to drive around aoutside after coming back from a 70 mile drive back from work, as he would gt the kids up again after i had put them to sleep. he didnt. :(

I think it depends what time he leaves for work

I'm still up at least 3 times a night at the moment. In fact I can probably count on my digits the number of full nights sleep I've had in the last 8 years so I feel your pain

yadnbu. I don't kiss / wake up DD when I have to leave early in the mornings if she is still asleep, I just peer round the door and whisper bye bye to her.

I don't think DD is in any doubt that I love her more than anything in the world, JenaiMarr

DH leaves at 6.45am and he doesn't go in to say goodbye to the kids. He sees them when he gets home.

They are very much aware that he loves them, loves them so much that he lets them sleep rather than goes in to see them.

I agree that they doubt that he adores them, despite the lack of goodbye kiss in the morning.

I know how you feel completely, my H always wakes up DS, but I don't think you have the right to prevent DH kissing his children goodbye. They are his children too, and presumably going out to work he doesn't get to see much of them during the day. I think it is precious, him wanting to kiss them goodbye, sorry.

Perhaps he doesn't have the right to wake a child or his wife, and insist on a kiss? Perhaps he could simply give them an extra kiss the night before in lieu of a morning one? I'm sure there are plenty of other things he could do if he feels so strongly (for some odd reason) about it.

I wonder how many of the YANBU posters would feel if they were told not to kiss their child.

The best idea is, as others have said, for him to be woken earlier and fed breakfast by daddy. however, this may not be compatible with work clothing.

Oh FGS it's twenty minutes, not four hours early. The OP herself said that her DS is on his way to wakefulness at this point - it's not as if her DH is deliberately shaking him awake out of a deep sleep. And it's not as if the OP is forced by this to get up hours before she normally would.

I agree with all those who suggest that her DH gets her DS up and gives him breakfast.

AAAGH! Should say they don't doubt that he adores them.....

OK, my own ds didn't really wake when DP or I went in to give him a goodbye kiss - he'd mumble goodbye and go back to sleep (and always has done). When he did go through a stage of waking, whichever one of us was off to work at hell o'clock would sort out some breakfast and switch on the electronic babysitter CBeebies.

I think my first post was a little harsh - probably because I was so taken aback by how strong and numerous the YANBUs were. domeafavour's post is far more diplomatic (and constructive!)

"Yes you have a 6 wk old baby but bloody hell, you also have an older child who needs to know that his father loves him - and a DH who needs to express that love."

This is so precious it makes me nauseous, and it's the kind of attitude which leads to a lot of children being such pandered spoilt individuals as their needs are always placed central to everything else including their parents sleep. More fool you if you instil a routine around a morning kiss that cannot be broken for fear of a tantrum .

My dd has had it drummed into her from a young age to be quiet in the morning, especially if me and ds are still asleep. If she comes and disturbs us e.g. before dh takes her to nursery she's told, firmly this isn't acceptable.

The DH doesn't need to kiss his ds, it's causing stress and upset to his bf wife who's up in the night and making her mornings more difficult. It's not his "right" he can leave quietly and show his love in a myriad of other ways. It's plain common sense NOT to wake children before you leave in the morning if the other parent is sleeping.

If dh did this repeatedly he wouldn't be welcome home at the end of the day. 2.5 is old enough to learn and appreciate other people in the families needs FGS.

But if he leaves at 6.45 then he'd be giving her DS breakfast v early and then bolting out the door - leaving the OP to get up and supervise breakfast.

I'd compromise and do it day about - kiss from dad one day, long lie the next. Not that hard really.

YADNBU!!!
agree with the other posters that said if he wants this bonding time then he should kiss ds when he wakes up and they can have breakfast together.

he might feel sad leaving without kissing him bye but honestly he should be thinking about life as easy as possible for you at the moment at home with a baby and toddler. in a few weeks/months this will all change and it won't be such a big deal. you're only asking him not to do it for now, not forever.

what time are we talking about anyway?

If I have to get an early train for work, I certainly don't kiss my children goodbye and wake them up, I tiptoe around and don't use the hairdryer as it's too noisy! They need their sleep. I expect their kiss from the previous night to last long enough as an expression of my love.

YANBU. Sleep deprivation is hell and every minute of extra sleep counts. DH would not be popular if he woke DD to say goodbye in the morning.

And I utterly agree with MinxofMancunia, it's precious in the extreme to insist on kissing children awake, everyone in a family needs to learn to consider the needs of others, and no, I don't count 'needing' to kiss a child as a need in this sense, if it can be fulfilled at another time of day (or even on another day). Does he go into school at lunch-time to give him a kiss in case something happens in the afternoon?

notanumber - i could have written your original post myself
except it is me in the other room with the 12 week old, my husband in the other part of the house next door to the 21 month old toddler daughter
he seems to bring her into me at 6.30am in the morning before he leaves for work triumphant as if bringing her to me is somehow his contribution to childcare, he occasionally moans to me about how he has had to get up once or sometimes even twice in the night to give her back her comfort blanket so she can return to sleep (she never needs taking out of her cot) and how that has interrupted his sleep. meanwhile i think of the all night feeding session my 12 week old son has just put me through and look at my yawning and tired looking daughter thinking if you had just left her in her cot she probably would have nodded back off to sleep.
am on the same page as you. sympathies

YADNBU

is dp had done this id have possibly attempted murder when my dd was 6weeks old, i was utterly exhaused, i even begged him to wash and dress downstairs i was that desperate for no disturbances.

i know beyond doubt that my dp loves me and the boys
one of the reasons i know this is because he would never DREAM of waking any of us up for the completely self-indulgent reason that he wanted to kiss us before he went to work

i think this is about the dh's needs and is really bizarre
he's an adult
but IMO not behaving like one

I don't think it's precious - well it is in the other sense, in that being able to say goodbye before leaving a child (or a partner for that matter) for 9 hours or so is important to me. This has nothing to do with tantrums and everything to do with the little rituals that develop within all relationships.

I'd feel strange if DP didn't give me kiss goodbye, or if I didn't DP and DS a kiss before I left, and so would they.

Clearly the waking is a problem - but surely this can be worked around.

Of course parents and children show affection at other times of day - but without a goodbye kiss we talking maybe 20 or so hours between contact, when there doesn't need to be.