to ask DH not to kiss DS goodbye in the mornings?

[notanumber]

Am currently on maternity leave, at home full time with 2.5 year old DS and six week old DD.

DH has a demanding job and does his fair share of the childcare and housework when he gets home from work, I have absolutely no complaints there.

He fairly often spends week-nights sleeping in another room as DD wakes to feed three or four times and he can't really work properly after a night of such disturbed sleep. I fully support him doing this and don't begrudge him the unbroken sleep (though wish I could have some too!).

However... when he leaves for work in the morning, he says goodbye to me and DD (who is asleep at this point) and then goes in to DS's room and kisses him goodbye. Now DS is usually on his way to wakefulness at this point and Daddy coming in wakes him up properly.

This means that Ds - in true toddler fashion - is immediately racing about demanding breakfast and wanting me to play with his trains and tell him whether clouds are girls or boys and find his blue wellies and God knows what else.

If DH didn't rouse him, DS wouldn't wake for at least another twenty minutes meaning I would get a precious twenty minutes weeping defeatedly over a sleep training manual to just prepare myself for the day and try to get myself into a fit state to look after the children without losing the plot. Or possibly just get another twenty minutes sleep.

It's only twenty minutes I know, but I'm really really knackered at the moment and the full on-ness of DS immediately as I wake up is really hard work and I'd do so much better if I had that tiny bit of breathing space in the morning before he wakes up naturally.

So...AIBU to ask DH not to kiss DS goodye in the mornings, even though DH loves doing it and thinks it's really important for their relationship?

Can'tblieve how many people are saying YABU! You definitely aren't.

could your DH leave ds's breakfast out for him or a treat for during the day that ds would know was from daddy and would replace the kiss?

not replace, but be something special that daddy did, that would show ds daddy was thinking of him?

while he's being so into bonding with the kids, don't forget the baby. middle of the night nappy changes are ideal for this [evil grin]

It would never cross my DH's mind to wake DS up before he left for work. When our roles were reversed I did not do it either, not because I didn't want to see him but out of desire for DS to get a good sleep and respect for my partner.
Funnily enough I still think we love our son and have great relationship with him!
It is selfish of your DH, who already sounds like he has it pretty easy.

i can understand where you are coming from, and its so exhausting being a mum i know .

just b thankful to have some a loving dh but some r not so good and ur ds might be noisy and demanding, but i have just lost my baby at 18 weeks and what i would give to see him/her running round squealing.

u r only human and r understandbly very very tired but i think its nice
x

Oh lordy, split opinion here I see! Some very helpful suggestions for compromise though, thank you.

I'll have a think about how to broach it with DH (don't want to load him with guilt!)and present him with all your ideas.

Not to worry, I seem to remember from last time that you start getting some kind of decent sleep again after a while though it feels like fucking years so this too will pass...

Thanks again.

so sorry wonderif

Actually, thinking back to when I was sleep deprived, I might have thrown the baby at DH if he woken the toddler. Do if you manage not to do that, YANB nearly as U as you might be...

YADNBU - you need the 20 mins sleep much more than he needs a kiss. I second sanfairyann, and if your dh can;t do that for whatever reason then he'll have to leave your ds asleep.

Hmmm. this is a difficult one because you and DH are both right. You do not appreciate your DS being woken earlier than is natural, even if it is only 20 minutes earlier; let's face it - that is all that is needed sometimes to make the difference between being very grouchy and miserable and being able to face the day.I agree with Sanfairyann - could DH kiss DS goodbye and then take him downstairs, give him his milk/breakfast, and put the TV on for him? That would only take an extra 5 minutes and your DS would be happy to watch TV for a while on his own (my DD, the same age, is). That would give you that little extra time and DH would be happy too?

Hmm I remeber ds going through the full on in the (very early) morning phase, I used to prepare a drink for him and leave it on my bedside table, he would then come through and I could get him to have a small drink then snuggle down for another hour, was bliss.

I did try a tv in our bedroom so he could watch that for an hour but I really hate a tv in my room so that didn't last.

God almighty, YANBU. He could blow him a kiss from the door as someone up the thread said.

my ds never slept more than 20 mins at a time, for the first few weeks, so 20mins is an eternity when it's taken from you. I agree you need the headspace, the calm start to the day if possible, and dh giving kisses when the child is asleep, waking him up, and leaving to go to work, is far from ideal.

YANBU.

You need every minute of rest you can get with a toddler and a newborn.

Could he phone quickly onceat work to say good morning to your DS? My DD loves talking to her daddy on the phone at bedtime.

honestly I'm right on this one

She is, you know. If your husband wants some important bonding time with his son, he should do his good morning kiss when he gets up, not when he leaves for the day. Either your son is still so tired he stays asleep and your husband gets a quiet morning, or the kiss wakes him up and your husband gets company over breakfast, can take care of dressing him/nappy if applicable, etc.

There's no justification in his "bonding" ritual consisting of a five second kiss and not actually spending any morning time with him. He wants the kiss, he takes the risk that it wakes his son up.

What tortoise said. It is so nice that he likes to kiss him, but I barely let DH look in on DS in the morning because I think the creaking of the door might wake him and I need every single second of rest. :o But if he were actually going to get him up and dressed and fed that'd be a different thing altogether wouldn't it?

YANBU and I agree with sanfairyann and tortoise and everyone else who agreed with it! Let him wake DS earlier, sort out his breakfast and the first "full-on-ness" of DS, rather than 'kiss and run'!

That way you would hopefully get the best of both worlds and DH wouldn't have to forgo his morning kiss (I'm assuming he can't get away with just dropping a very light kiss on the top of his head without waking him?)

notanumber, for how you approach it with your DH, I'd suggest you take a very practical approach to it, ie "here's the problem, you want a kiss, I want more time in bed and a quieter start to the day, how do we achieve that?" ie focus on the practicalities of the various compromises that have been suggested here plus your own ideas. blame / guilt etc will only get in the way. you both have each other's interests in mind, it's simply that the current set-up isn't working as well as it needs to. hth.

can he talk yet?? could he speak to him on the phone later during the day?

Of course yanbu. Am in similar situation and dp would not dream of waking up ds unless to help get him ready.

YANBU.

I love my boyfriend very much and he's proving to be a wonderful father, but he leaves for work at 4:30am some days and kisses us goodbye. Obviously the baby doesn't wake up - but I often do - and with a 7 week old in the house I need that extra few minutes if I can have it!

YANBU