to ask DH not to kiss DS goodbye in the mornings?

[notanumber]

Am currently on maternity leave, at home full time with 2.5 year old DS and six week old DD.

DH has a demanding job and does his fair share of the childcare and housework when he gets home from work, I have absolutely no complaints there.

He fairly often spends week-nights sleeping in another room as DD wakes to feed three or four times and he can't really work properly after a night of such disturbed sleep. I fully support him doing this and don't begrudge him the unbroken sleep (though wish I could have some too!).

However... when he leaves for work in the morning, he says goodbye to me and DD (who is asleep at this point) and then goes in to DS's room and kisses him goodbye. Now DS is usually on his way to wakefulness at this point and Daddy coming in wakes him up properly.

This means that Ds - in true toddler fashion - is immediately racing about demanding breakfast and wanting me to play with his trains and tell him whether clouds are girls or boys and find his blue wellies and God knows what else.

If DH didn't rouse him, DS wouldn't wake for at least another twenty minutes meaning I would get a precious twenty minutes weeping defeatedly over a sleep training manual to just prepare myself for the day and try to get myself into a fit state to look after the children without losing the plot. Or possibly just get another twenty minutes sleep.

It's only twenty minutes I know, but I'm really really knackered at the moment and the full on-ness of DS immediately as I wake up is really hard work and I'd do so much better if I had that tiny bit of breathing space in the morning before he wakes up naturally.

So...AIBU to ask DH not to kiss DS goodye in the mornings, even though DH loves doing it and thinks it's really important for their relationship?

YABU

I think it's really sweet and your DS will remember this as he gets older.

Can you put the sleep training manuals away and go to bed 20 mins earlier. Or have DH give you a lie in at the weekends?

Can he do the goodbye kiss when he (your DH) first gets up - i.e. before shower and dressing? He could even get up 10 mins earlier and give him a cuddle in his bed. Hopefully that way he'll still be fast asleep. Then when he comes to leave just a kiss blown from the doorway?

YADNBU
waking a sleeping child up so that you can kiss them is bonkers
waking a sleeping child up so that you can kiss them AND THEN A VERY TIRED LADY WITH A NEWBORN BABY IS GOING TO HAVE TO LOOK AFTER THEM is criminally bonkers
and a bit precious IMO

YADNBU

YANBU

but you need to word this carefully to your dh, the ophone call later in the day is a good idea.

I think it's criminal for him to wake up your DS and then bail out to work while you deal with the consequences. The fact that he is resting elsewhere at night while you're sleep-deprived and exhausted just makes it even worse.

When I was sleep-deprived with DS1, it would not have gone well for DH if he had done that to me!! Your needs must come first at this point.

YADNBU

Just to add to the chorus...YADNBU (and I can't believe some people think you are. Have they forgotten what it's like to have a six week old?)

My DH used to do the same and hated going to work without seeing DD. We compromised by agreeing that I'd phone him as soon as DD woke (on her own!) and he could speak to her then. This stage will only be for a few more weeks, then I'm sure 20 mins will seem less important to you when your DS is sleeping through

I'm with you on this one OP. Try and work it out with dh, he sounds like he would be reasonable and remember this is not forever. You both need to do all you can at the moment to survive these first months.

Good luck, hope you get some more sleep soon.

yanbu. When dh goes out to work he kisses which ever of us is awake, anyone asleep (sometimes all 3) he creeps out. If he's going to do this he needs to hang around 20 mins and sort your ds out whilst you doze/shower/get your head together. Mind you I'm a "sleepzilla" due to having chronic insomnia and go mental if anyone or anything (apart from my dcs) either disturbs my sleep, preventw me from dropping off or wakes me up before I need to get up as I've probably been awake a lot of the night anyway.

YANBU, every minute counts. A happy parent is a happy child. Bollocks to anyone who says otherwise.

Yanbu BUT some children would freak out if a routine stopped so would there be a risk of hysterical crying if your ds realised that daddy had gone to work without kissing him goodbye?

My DH kiss DD every morning and yes it wakes her. This morning he did and it didnt. 10 minutes later she woke up crying because she didn't see her dad before he left and even me calling him so that he can talk to her did not calm her down immediately.

Yesterday morning I could probably have gotten a whole 30min to an hour lie in but I made him wake her up. She loves spending time with him in the morning. Mostly they let me have a lie in and they have breakfast and milk. She would then come and have a little cuddle with me in bed whilst watching cbeebies for a little while. That means I dont have to jump up and do all that for her but enjoy our cuddle time. I would not change that for the world. That is their time and she looks forward to it and he loves it. She is 2.8 now.

yadnu. you must be knackered.

YANBU, how thoughtless. Occassionally (very occasionally) DS doesn't wake up before I go to work. Now I let DH sleep til I leave the house (I'm so nice) and I would never dream of rousing DS before he needs it just to kiss him goodbye - I'd be very pissed off if DH did that to me.

No way are you being unreasonable- a 6wk old and a 2.5yr old and doing all night wakings alone?

20 minutes of peace before your day starts is really important to YOU. Your DH can do the quality time at evenings and wknds- it doesn't have to include waking a sleepy DS.

I really don't see how people can think YABU on this.

YANBU - i have DD1 2.4 and DD2 8 weeks so i can sympathise!

Agree with whoever it was said DH should get your DS up in the morning instead - for the last few months that's what my DH does with DD1 and it works quite well - they have breakfast together and watch peppa pig then he gets her dressed before leaving for work. Then she usually comes in my room for books and snuggles in bed with me and DD2 before I finally drag myself out of bed.

DH also delivers me tea and cereal in bed before leaving - he is ace (but don't tell him i said that )

Your DS will not remember this when he gets older. What he will remember is that mummy was cross and grumpy with him in the mornings.

If your DH wants to wake your toddler then he needs to deal with the wakefulness. Not leave you with it. I'd be bloody furious

YANBU - 20 minutes is massively precious when you've been up through the night. You need to be able to wake gradually, not be forced awake and starting every day in a bad mood. Plenty of children don't see their dads before they leave in the morning, and still manage to have perfectly close, healthy relationships.

Indeed, let's stop a parent kissing their dc goodbye so that the other parent can get an extra 20 minutes in bed

I am really quite taken aback by all the YANBUs here - surely most parents would hate to leave the house without saying goodbye to their DCs? I don't think I have ever left without saying goodbye, and neither has DP. Yes you have a 6 wk old baby but bloody hell, you also have an older child who needs to know that his father loves him - and a DH who needs to express that love.

I second suggestions that your DH sorts out some breakfast and put CBeebies on before he leaves, so that your ds is settled. But other than that, YABVVU.

YANBU to want as much sleep as possible but I have been in EvaLongoria's situation with a child who thinks it is the end of the world if Daddy doesn't say goodbye. It's tough but I think in the end I would rather DH and DS got their goodbye kiss than I got an extra 20 minutes.

You haven't said what time it is - if its half 6 in the morning, its more understandable than half 7 somehow. Also, hard to know whether DS would mind or not.

My husband leaves at half 6, sometimes earlier. He has never gone into the children's rooms at that time because it could result in one of them waking, and this morning neither woke till 8am which means we all slept till then and that makes for a nicer morning for all. (Preschool on holidays at the mo, obviously)

When my 2nd child was much younger and I was suffering with a bit of sleep deprivation, our morning routine was quite slovenly - it would basically involved everyone in my bed, TV on (yes, I got a big TV in my bedroom before number 2 child came along as I was on bedrest prior so it made a huge difference and now its there, I'm kind of used to it!) so I could feed DD, then place her in her moses basket and just laze around whilst DS watched some CBeebies or Milkshake, and I even had a stash of breakfast bars so he could have a snack (always made sure he ate it on DH's side of the bed of course!)

I could then potter around and even have a shower, do my makeup if I was going out (5 mins!) and dress whilst keeping an eye and ear on both children (ensuite) as they were just in/near my bed and well occupied.

So just ask yourself if there's anything you can "tweak" in your morning routine that would make for a gentler start to the day, whether or not your DH kisses them goodbye. Do you have to start the day downstairs? Its different for all but I find it nice to start the day upstairs in bed, moving on to me getting myself ready first, then finally migrating downstairs and getting kids sorted for the day. And yes, it sometimes means we are running a little late because its easy to lose track of time, but everyone is in a lovely mood at least!

I agree with sanfairyann, actually.
notanumber said that her almost awake 2 year old becomes a fully-awake 2 year old when he is woken by a kiss from his dad.

so waking the son about 10 minutes earlier for dad to have some bonding time before kissing him and getting off to work means that DS might not be quite so hyper once dad's gone.

especially if he gets him into a routine of quietly sitting in front of a dvd on the settee.
then he's downstairs anyway, so mum can get some more minutes kip before worrying about DS.
can't promise it would work, but if dad has given him breakfast, then he's less likely to need immediate attention.

I have never heard of people voluntarily waking toddlers up, kisses or no kisses. I would make the 'kiss of the day' at bedtime. Surely lots of people have partners who aren't around every single morning for that kiss, either working too early, or away on business. I had no idea that it was such a big deal. We blow kisses if someone is not there, as surely that's quite a common occurrence, especially in the evenings.

YANBU, but for a different reason : your DS point of view? do children really like being woken up every morning just to say goodbye? I don't think so.

I think this is more about what your DH enjoys.