to think that if two people have a child...

[hairytriangle]

One does not 'help' the other with childcare, and one never babysits their own child?

YADNBU

you pay babysitters!

YADNBU. I hate this so much but unfortunately, have heard it many times.

YADNBU. My XP used to charge me to 'babysit' our DD

AIBU to get really wound up when people have the attitude that their partner 'doesn't help' - and to think in a way, they are complicit in the situation by having the whole attitude that it's their prime responsibility, requiring the help of the partner, rather than both of their responsibility!

This really presses my buttons, for some reason...

I used to get this. "I've given DS his tea, for you" and "I'll put him to bed for you".

Drove me nuts and I quite regularly exploded.

No, I think you are absolutely right. How can a partnership who have created a child possibly "help" with childcare??????

We have a child. Our relatives occasionally help with childcare and occasionally babysit. But if you are babysitting your own child, you are in the wrong relationship.

I hear that a lot among my friends partners. 'I've hoovered for you. WTF!!!???

I think people sometimes get a bit hung up on terminology.

I used to say, if I was on a night out, that DH was babysitting. All it meant was that it was him that was at home with the kids while I was out.

No big deal tbh.

Dead right hairy, I was already there on the babysitting comment, but it only today occurred to me about the helping...

Great. Just what I needed, another stick to beat OH with...

And a few for myself for letting him get away with it for so long....

however much you say they aren't babysitting, with small babies, that's exactly how it can feel. ie they need instructions etc...

though i agree housework is done for everyone, not you.

YANBU!

but EAP if fathers spent a bit more time at the beginning - by feeding (or getting up in the night to pass the baby to be BF), changing nappies etc, then it would never get to 'needing instructions surely?

Yanbu. It really pisses me off.

Dh used to do ds night feeds when he was a baby, if it ever came up, it was all 'oh, isn't he good for helping'. He wasn't helping, he was getting up in the night with his child. No one would have said I was 'good' for doing it.

I have so many female friends who see everything to do with the house/children as thief job. They are the ones who say 'dh is feeding the kids to tonight for me' or 'dh is babysitting so I can come out' . I want to shake them.

hairytriangle leaving my BF baby requires instructions in part at least, because he can't just do what i do (no boobs) he has to have stuff prepped for him (EBM, etc) and whilst small there really is a baby-bungee to consider...i can't be away long. he is v. much in lieu of the main baby-wrangler.

YANBU

A child is not a burden and i enjoy taking care of my son and so does my DP even when hes having a tantrum

Have said it before and,no doubt, will again - having a child is a 50:50 enterprise. I get so mad when friends tell me that their OH REFUSED to get up during the night - BOLLOCKS - it's not an option, if the child is FF then you take it turns where practicable. Some women are their own worst enemy.

"I used to say, if I was on a night out, that DH was babysitting. All it meant was that it was him that was at home with the kids while I was out."

Yes, but, if he went out and you were at home with the kids, would you say you were babysitting?

(maybe you would, but it would be unusual, generally that situation is considered just 'being a mother')

I know it's just terminology, but language does matter IMO, and does shape the way we think to some extent.

It's the nappy thing that used to get me as well.

I had a friend who's dh refused to change thier dds nappies as it made him gag. People thought that was just fine. Can you imagine thier horror of a mother said they refused to change a nappy because she didn't like poo? People would be outraged.

I don't see how it is okay for a father not to change nappies/get up in the night/feed the children etc, but if a mother said she didn't want to do those things her name would be mud.

I do think it's way more than terminology.

I totally get that if a baby is being breastfed, then the mother has to be primary 'feeder'.

But I really don't get that the mother who is a SAHM should be the 24/7 carer - the mother works 7.5 hours per day doing childcare (most important job in the world and probably hardest, albeit v rewarding). The father does 7.5 hours work outside the home.

The rest should be 50/50!

All the working mums I know say that work is a 'rest' for them - so I wholeheartedly think the father working outside the home should takeover straight away when he comes home so that the mother can have an hour's rest!

(please read 'father' for 'mother' etc in terms of when it's the other way around).

Epinhy - Yeah probabably as in:
mate 'Hey saw your DH out the other night. where were you?

Me 'Oh I stopped in babysitting that night while he was out.'

All I would mean was that I wasn't elsewhere and stayed in with the kids.

All that said, I have a DH who did the night feeds so I could rest while he still got up and went to work (while I was on mat leave), looks after us all really well, did nappy changes, baths, etc etc.
I did try to be super women at first but as he pointed out he could do everything I could except bf.

I am stunned at Tequilla's ex charging!!

DH doesn't BF, thats it really, he does everything else without being asked/told.

LOL Morloth That's what I was trying to say but DH has made me a couple of large Tia Maria and cokes. I am now using a a couple of paragraphs when a sentence would do!!