to think that if two people have a child...

[hairytriangle]

One does not 'help' the other with childcare, and one never babysits their own child?

My DH says 'what can i do to help', etc. Drives me nuts but to a small degree ,as I'm at home all the time, I get what he's on about. Things change so fast with a small baby that he isn't quite sure what's meant to be happening. Last time he did a morning, he made bottles up as before but feeds had all changed

Will say he 'can't do getting up in the night' - his words. I said 'f*ing lucky one of us can!'

I'm currently 20 weeks with my first, so genuinely looking for your advice here, but I really can't see how it can be 50/50 outside his work hours. My DH is great around the house, but he will get very little paternity leave and has a job where he really needs to be awake and alert. I will be on maternity leave so we both assume that I will be the one getting up at night. I expect I will be absolutely exhausted, but if he has to go out to work then he needs to have had a nights sleep.

upahill, yep £10 an hour and a takeaway brought in for him when I came in! Just one of the many, many reasons why I kicked the twunt out

Mythumbs, if you employed a nanny you would expect them to be 'awake and alert'. What does your DH do that is more important/demanding than taking care of a newborn?

FWIW, I did the night feeding with my first, as I could rest when he slept.(everything else was 50-50 outside work hours) With my second and third however, this option was not available.

I just think you're storing up trouble if you let him believe you'll do everything at this stage! Some days he'll have done 8 hours work before you've had a chance to brush your hair, so he'll have no choice but to get dinner on the go as soon as he walks in the door.

YADNBU

Bloody infuriates me! I don't babysit the children while DH goes out to work! I do my job - being a SAHM!

When he's at home, we both work as a team, 50:50.

Having said that, he does tidy up before he goes to work 'for me'...he gets up earlier than he needs to, if we haven't managed to get the place tidy the night before, so that I don't have to get up to start the day caring for the children in a messy house! But that really is 'for me' because he gets up especially early to tidy the mess that was made when he wasn't even there! I don't think he ever says that it's 'for me' though - I see it that way. It's a gesture of love, as he feels for me being at home with all the children when the housework is getting on top of me as I have to spend all day there, and he knows he can escape it!

Your child can't sack you though - which is always the difference between being at home caring for your child and being in employment. Also at home you don't always NEED to have brushed hair and you can (hopefully) catch up on sleep when your baby sleeps.

They are just ohrases. When our DD's were little and either me or Dh went out on our own, We would say the other one was babysitting in answer to peoples questions.

I have been known to refer to DS dad as The Babysitter when on a night out, but this is more to do with him not living with me and DS. He's a fab dad though (nappies never bothered him).

see this on mn "i do the childcare" as if its a job.isnt a bleeding job it is part of being a parent

aibberhodes - he flys aeroplanes.

I understand his life has to change too, and to be fair he does already cook dinner and is far tidier than me, but I think I agree with Minxee1977 I can hopefully "sleep when baby sleeps" in the day time, and even if I can't maybe I just have to accept that I am doing the harder job for a while and that things will probably work out fair in the long run?

I guess I have a slightly unusual example because he does a job where fatigue could risk his life (and 300 other peoples), but my point is that I am hoping that you both muck in and do as much as you can for each other, which is how it works now, and that ideas of "fairness" and "50/50" are not always helpful. I feel that to start out with that expectation and to be carefully counting "well I did this so you have to do this" could just create resentment. I guess I won't have any idea until after the baby comes, just trying to work it all out in my head a bit before hand.

So the whole "babysitting" thing, well that is so personal to each couple isn't it? Some people might have a time when one of them is responsible for the childcare. The other person might be responsible for a whole load of other things. That period might last for 6 months, it might last for years, but if it works for them and they are both happy then that's ok isn't it? It doesn't mean they aren't bending over backwards to help each other and make each other happy.

YANBU. One of the many reasons I split with XP was because he wouldn't do much for the children.

Hairytriangle YANBU.

I hate the term 'helping' when it comes to dads- and its always about men that helping is used, usually to praise them for changing a nappy...if only I could hear someone addressing a dad & saying 'oooh how lovely, your wife is really helping with the baby, changing nappies and all' I'll be a happy woman.

"you can (hopefully) catch up on sleep when your baby sleeps"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Are you serious? That only works for about 2 months of your first baby.

Totally serious - my DD (10 mo) still has a lunchtime nap of 2 hours almost every day and if things are going badly at night I nap then!

'aibberhodes - he flys aeroplanes. ' LOL...fair enough!

In terms of splitting things equally...I agree with you, there's no point weighing and measuring every little chore. What we found helpful was trying to have equal rest time instead. So if I manage a couple of hours -watching- -come- -dine- -with- -me- relaxing in the afternoon, I don't mind cooking dinner while he crashes on the sofa after work. If I do the night feed, he'll do breakfast if he's in and give me a lie in. Won't work exactly with your situation as I imagine your DH is away a bit, but you get the idea.

Just please, please don't go into this with him thinking he'll carry on as normal and you'll take care of the house and baby... it's not until you have your own kids that you realise just how much work is involved.

Congrats btw, very exciting times ahead!

Mythumbs - it all depends on how your OH is really. Looking after a newborn is both amazing and knackering. If you have an OH who will quote "But you said you would do all the getting up in the night and now you want me to do it this weekend" etc, then it's wise to leave yourself some room to manoeuvre!

As for sleeping when the baby sleeps - sometimes this works, sometimes not. Sometimes the baby sleeps for 20 mins so just as you are nodding off you have to wake up again. Sometimes there are things you need to do whilst the baby is sleeping. Sometimes, irritatingly, the minute the baby is asleep you get a second wind and can't sleep. You don't sleep soundly because you are always on the alert for the baby. It's the same for night-time sleep.

I found it's not just the lack of sleep, it's the lack of more than 3 or 4 hours sleep at any one time for months on end that was difficult. It is knackering in a way that's different to the time you stayed up all night to watch the sunrise once, or was awake for 30 hours cos of a plane delay or whatever. One-offs you recover from easily, but when it's dayafterdayafterday it's easy to get worn out if you don't get some relief.

I'm not trying to sound scary - far from it!! becoming a mum was and is the most amazing thing I have ever done. I am just trying to say that it's good to set expectations but always with the proviso that you review and change the status quo on a regular basis if necessary.

I'm on maternity leave and consider myself the primary carer of our two. This means I do tell dh how he can help when he is home such as, can you do ds' washing. This is because I know what I've done but I don't expect him to trawl the house to find out what needs doing.

Regarding looking after the kids I do tell him what to do because I do take the responsibilty for routines etc and I do know the kids better in that respect because I am with them more!

Dh is very good - changes all nappies when he's home, does all cooking when home and has done most of the chores since baby born. Once baby is older I will do more than 50% of chores etc because I am at hone more and it is easier than spending our evenings and weekends doing it.

When dh talks about friends who so zero childcare I always make it clear that I would not tolerate that and I would not have married him if I had not been the Lind of father I expected (like my dad basically) - luckily he hasn't disappointed and does see himself as an equal parent with equal responsibilities.

regarding night feeds

With my first I did all nights because dh went to work and I slept when ds slept. I continued this until he dropped his afternoon nap at 2!

With dd I can't do that when ds isn't at nursery but I don't expect dh to get up in the night (exclusive bf) but I do expect him to get up with ds so I can have a lie in

Thanks abbierhodes, that sounds like good advice!

and bellepink! x-post

PS Should have made it clear that by weekends I meant when OH is not working the next day/days, if in a job where fatigue would cause risk. Obviously in that situation a decent night's sleep is essential.

What I am trying to say is that be 100% responsible including weekends or equivalent, for 6 months + straight, is extremely hard work. You will need a regular decent night yourself without a doubt.

DH and I did an exercise in NCT classes where we split out all the domestic tasks, before, during and after maternity leave. Oh, it was so funny. I was going to do all the getting up in the night as I could sleep in the day when DD slept (she only slept on the move), everything seemed to come down to me. As it turned out, the big thing he does and has always done is get up in the night for her, she's now 6 and noticed when we went away that it was funny that daddy was sleeping on the side of the bed that mummy usually sleeps on ... that was because that was the side of the bed nearest to her, therefore she would have got daddy in the middle of the night, not mummy, who sleeps like the dead and is a bitch from hell if woken.

I don't think he's ever claimed to be 'babysitting' when I go out (which I do far more often than he does), and MN has given me a terrible verbal tick where I correct anyone who claims their DH/P IS babysitting.

IME the 'helping you' and 'babysitting' get much much worse when you separate. My ex will collect a DC to 'help me out' etc etc. And I'm supposed to be grateful and thank him too, as this 'helping' is 'extra' as it's during 'my time' with the DCs.

I wonder whether the women on here who think 50/50 should be the default breakdown of responsibility take the same view when it comes to contact/access post-separation.

I suspect not.

Yes I think my DH should come over to hoover after he leaves me

How do you mean barmy?