Meeting my DP's daughter for the first time.

[GrumpyMoo]

Oh hello all you lovely people! I haven't posted for a while as the last time I posted was for something completely enormous!

I had so much fantastic advice before and such warm support that I need to call on everyone again. I'm sorry it might get a bit longwinded but i'm at the end of my rope here :(

The upshot here is that my DP is resistant to me meeting his daughter despite us being together for 10 months.

I met my partner back in October last year (it wasn't meant to be anything more than a casual thing, after my last 'DP' was such a screaming cocklodger, I?d decided not to introduce my kids to any more stress in that area.) We'd become really close friends by Christmas, so much so that one thing led to another and here we are now 10 months down the line and in most respects he's lovely. Honest, sweet and so many things that make me really happy. He really is. Yeah I know that doesn?t mean that people are meant to be together but it is something worth working for, isn?t it?

But there is one area that we consistently rub wrong. Well, I do anyway. He?d rather stick his head in the sand. He finds it really hard to open up or even talk. But he and i used to talk all the time when we first met. Above and beyond the usual 'getting to know each other' stuff. He told me a few months ago that he was depressed about his job and other things. Things like me meeting his daughter. And I have come to the edge of ending things once already over this. How much space is enough?

Back in January he moved into his own place after living with his in-laws after splitting up with his wife the previous May as he was cheating on him. We'd spoken a lot about me meeting his daughter prior to this, but his ex was completely against the idea (despite her meeting and moving in with her 'new' partner within 6 weeks of leaving her marriage. I think hypocrisy is too polite here, folks) to the point of threatening him with a complete lack of contact with his daughter if he let me see her. She told him that the end of April would be soon enough for us to meet.

In February I ended up meeting his daughter for a short while as I had left my duvet at his place (after staying there while my own children were off with their father on holiday) and he said it would be fine if he brought it over to me. For the record i told him that I had others and he insisted it was ok. i took it that he had decided it was a good time for his daughter and I to meet regardless of his ex?s decision. I didn?t completely agree and I said he should tell her beforehand just so she?d know. Again I made the assumption that he had.

He hadn?t as it turned out. The three of us had a lovely time and I even made her tea as it was that time of day. They were with me just over an hour before going home. Obviously his daughter mentioned to her mum what she?d done that day (she?s only 5 after all) and the mum went spare and told my partner that he would never see his daughter again. And she stuck to that for 6 weeks. 6 weeks oif hell for my partner.

I can understand why he is reluctant to go through it again. I really can. It hurts me more than I can admit to, that he won?t stand up to his ex on this score and it makes me sound really petty but he keeps choosing to keep her happy rather than stand up for what he keeps saying to me, which is that he wants us all to have a normal family relationship. I have tried to get him to understand that I support him and that I can?t ask him to push this as it has to be his decision or else it means nothing and then if it all goes pear shaped he?ll blame me for it.

But where do I draw the line? Two weeks ago after we?d been talking about it all yet again he said would I like to meet his daughter this weekend. Today or tomorrow. I asked him what event it was or which special occasion, to which he replied none. My point was that surely then and there was better! Especially as it had been so long. So I said yes ok, that?s fine. And now here we are and he has made an oblique point of saying to me that he and his daughter will not be seeing me this weekend.

He would normally have come over last night and when I asked him Friday morning whether I would see him he told me flat out that ?no of course not as he has his daughter all weekend? Slap me if I have taken that a bit wrong! But didn?t he say to me that this weekend was when he?d like to get the three of us together (no not all of us as he thinks my kids would overwhelm her, if you can believe that)?

Where am I going wrong here? It hurts so much. Or am I being a spoilt brat? Tell me honestly please people!

I'm slightly confused with all the detail but I think you will have to accept that his daughter needs to come first and when he sees her then he won't be seeing you at least fir the time being!

Yes i completly agree, which is why i have left it so long. But after 10 months? And despite him saying how much he wants the two of us to meet up?

I'm sorry but 10 months really isn't that long. I understand that you are frustrated - especially when you are getting mixed messages, but i think you are going to have to back off for a while and let it happen when he is ready. I'm sure you don't mean to - but you have come accross quite forceful about it, and ime this makes people back off, not give in.

My other thought was - maybe the daughter doesn't want to meet you after what happened last time? She missed out on time with her daddy as a result.

I'm sure it will work out in time, best of luck!

The ex is being unreasonable but it really doesn't matter in the context of your relationship.
You not meeting his daughter doesn't actually mean your relationship has to suffer. But it will if you continue to push it.
I dont understand why you need access to his daughter? cant you just accept that its not going to happenfor the time beinf and get on with enjoying being with him?
This really doesn't need to impact on you and him. But if it is really such a big deal for you then I would say the correct thing would be to remove yourself from the situation rather than push him towards possibly losing contact with his daughter because you insist he goes against the wishes of his ex (as unreasonable as her wishes may be), you know she'll carry it through, she already has once.

YANBU but I can see his ex's point...she doesn't know you and is probably coming to terms with "losing" her daughter every other weekend or whatever.

As you don't live together there won't be much you can do about it. When you do move in together she clearly won't be able to make such a fuss. It is early days though both for the end of their relationship and the start of yours.

Perhaps just look on the bright side that you can just have DP on his own and don't have to do all the potentially complicated step family stuff yet.

You do come along with biggies don't you

10 months is long enough, especially when the mother is working to a very different timetable herself! (6 weeks?!?). She doesn't have any right to stop him seeing his daughter - if he thinks you to have a future then he will tell her that this is what his happening and any attempt to stop him seeing his daughter will result in legal action.

If he's not prepared to do this - he's just not that into you.

However, I think you have a bigger problem than meeting his daughter. His attitude to you. Telling you one thing then doing another - no adult discussion about why things have changed etc...

Ask him - ask him why he has changed his mind about your seeing his daughter this weekend?

I uderstand how you feel about it but for the sake of the children we sometimes have to adhere to some very unpopular decisions when relationships break up.

DD is 5 in a few months and has NEVER met 2 of her 3 half siblings and the other only fleetingly because DPs ex has totally refused to allow it. Its a horrible thing and we hate it but the stress that is likely to ensue for DPs children would be horrendous :( :(

That's right mjinhiding.

It is complicated but if you met DPs ex everything would fall into place I want contact with them and of course I want DD to know them but sadly its just not that simple

Thank you so much everyone for all your insights. mjinhiding a lot of his problems stem from not wanting to hurt anyone, but the one who is hurting form this is him, i believe it is affecting him with the depression, he ahs changed such a lot since we first met and it breaks my heart to see it.

The ituation is in one respect really slear cut - either he wants us in his life (ergo his daughter) or he doesn't. But the reality is that there are a lot of factors which play a part here. He IS pandering to his ex but out of fear of losing his daughter completely. I do get that.

And the part about his daughter not wanting to see me? He used to tell me how annoyed his ex was back then because I was all his daughter was talking about for a long time and even now he grudgingly admits that she still (after 6 months and no other contact) asks about me. We got on really well while she was here, though that isn;t difficult when it's such short time and i love kids anyway.

Yes he does wnat the kids to meet his daughter but not all at once. I think he's being silly personally and I was hoping that my recent visit from my brother and his two small children would prove to him that my kids are good with small children (which they really, really are). Part of me isn;t sure whether he is resistant due to the whole precious first born thing or not, if he has a genuine concern!

drinkyourmilk I agree totally. I do come across as forceful. B|ut then I have learnt that backing off with him simply allows him wiggle room. He does not then need to move forward as there is no pressure. I'm, not by nature a forceful person and I will do almost anything to avoid a confrontation. But I hurt so much over this and I need some other sensible peoples perspectives in oreder to move forward myself.

FallingWithStyle I have done exactly that for so long now. But I have to accept that for me, if you are in a committed reletionship then your lives are inter-connected. If I thought for an instant that his ex had a valid point then i would be the first to admit I was being needlessly pushy here. She has 3 other children by another man who still lives just down the road and is still firmly at her beck and call. Which is exactly where she wants my DP. She is controlling and hypocritical. Her point is that my DP is only allowed to be there when SHE wants him to have the daughter not when he does. It's all one sided on her part and only at her convenience. The daughter's welfare doesn;t come into it, only her own feelings. And I speak from my own experience here, having heard her say vile things about the girl in her pressence. To my mind you just don;t do that.

ChippingIn I have told my DP that exact thing but the fear for him is that over time his role in his daughters life will get less and less. His contact now is much less than it was when he and I started seeing each other. And that is his punishment from his ex for having another relationship. Her previous EH is still firmly tied to her apron strings. She says jump he doesn;t even bother to query how high.

She ahs the gall to say that my DP doesn;t care about his daughter but I know first hand what that is like and he is the best kind of 'not at home dad'. She has it sooo lucky and she does not appreciate it!

dilemma456 I have held back for so long now, but it hurts too much. He shuts me out to protect himself and right now I have to start protecting myself. Part of me would be happy to never meet her but then I don;t think that is a real relationship. To be together but not emtioanlly available to each other. Both my other relationships have been like that and it is completely unhealthy.

"Yes i completly agree, which is why i have left it so long. But after 10 months? And despite him saying how much he wants the two of us to meet up?"

But you being in his life doesn't automatically entitle you to be in her life. perhaps he wants personal time with her, perhaps her mum is not comfortable with you spending time with her. If it's either, they are both within their rights, and you have no right to be included in her life.

Harsh as that may sound, it's true.

When I met my step-daughter, we made sure we let her mum know that was happening - it worked out fine, but if she hadn't have been happy with it, I wouldn't have met her at that stage.

Thank you for your honesty here. I didn;t post to be only told what i want to hear. But he keeps telling me he wants me to meet his daughter. I am merely trying to work out whetehr he is serious about having me in his life or if he is playing mind games or is actually confused himself. :(

Justonemorethen (love your name!!) The mother had a new partner within 6 weeks of them splitting up. It is hard luck if she is having a hard time accepting he has moved on as well no? From other things GM has said it's a control issue, not a worry issue.

HT - the childs mother does not have the right to tell her Ex husband who he can and cannot see when he has his daughter - that's ridiculous.

My advice - he needs to go to court to get access of his daughter sorted out. It is not up to his ex wife how much he gets to see her and it is not up to her to determine whether their DD sees you or not.

Do you want a relationship with him or his DD? I want DP, I love him to the end of the earth and I'm prepared to put up with certain inconveniences to accommodate that love. Besides because I love him I find I automatically love his children and do not want them to suffer

Its DD I worry for as she grows up and wants to know why she can't see her half siblings but it is something we're going to ahve to deal with as we go.

Agree with hairytriangle

I'm sure he does want you to meet her but maybe it's better all round if you both decide to just leave it for now. 10 months feels like ages at the time but it's a blink if this is a 'forever' relationship.

Wait a while and let his DD have her relationship with her Daddy all to herself, during what must be a very sad time for her.

Minxie - the DD enjoyed her time with GM - why should they both suffer because her Mother is being a controlling bitch?

GM I don't know if he's serious about you, playing games or confused either. What I do know is that his first move needs to be to get proper access to his DD and not be played like a puppet.

Your dp needs to formalise access legally - hypocrite ex is using it as a means of bringing him to heel. We have a good male friend in exactly the same situation.

GrumpyMoo - it's refreshing to have someone take the negatives said so well (and value them as much as the positives). I have to say you're a bigger person than me!

Reading more about your situation - I'm wondering if your partner needs to be clearer (to you and himself) about what HE wants at this time (and it may very well change). It doesn't help anyone when he's simply placating you with meaningless promises. Is he the kind of person you can put on the spot and ask if he really wants you guys to meet yet or would rather you wait?

I'm sure she did ChippingIn - Op's was lovely to her and that bodes well for the future. I don't think DD is suffering by not seeing her though, as they only met once. If DP really wants to push access he should, and of course he has the right to see his child. However, 10 months isn't that long and it's not essential they spend time together. I chose to wait a while before I'd meet DSD (despite DH wanting it to happen sooner) as i think the children must come first. As adults we know relationships don't always last, children find that really hard to understand.
Maybe the mum has reasons for being controlling - there's always two sides. What's on here sounds like she's being awful but maybe she's not a bitch!!

I'm sorry to say it, but Chipping In's point of 'If he's not prepared to do it - he's just not that into you' is a good one. Of course there could be lots of other things going on, and maybe he is genuinely worried that he may lose contact with his dd. But the fact is, that if he was determined to have you in his life for the long run, then he must know that it's something he will have to do at some point. And surely any sensible parent knows that a stroppy ex can't simply deny a good father access indefinately. He may have to fight to see his daughter if the ex is that bad, but then if he loves you it's a fight he should be prepared to take on. Maybe this isn't what you want to hear, and maybe I'm completely wrong, but it's worth thinking about.

I only say this because when I split with my ex, I had an on off relationship with a guy who was lovely, and desparate to meet my kids and do the whole step parent thing. As much as I cared about him and wanted him to be part of my life at that time, I knew he wasn't the one. I didn't want him to spend any time with my kids knowing that he wasn't going to be around forever, even though I knew he would probably be prepared to commit. And I may have even let him believe that he could meet my kids at some point, while at the same time putting him off as much as possible. When I got together with my now DH (we had known eachother for years before then) I couldn't wait for him to meet my ds's because I knew that he was going to be around for the rest of my life. It was hard at the time not to rush into him meeting the ds's. And yes, my ex went mental and was very difficult about the whole thing, but we got over it because I was prepared to stand up for both my children, and my relationship. This is what your DP needs to be doing, ten months is long enough for him to know what he wants with you.