Meeting my DP's daughter for the first time.

[GrumpyMoo]

Oh hello all you lovely people! I haven't posted for a while as the last time I posted was for something completely enormous!

I had so much fantastic advice before and such warm support that I need to call on everyone again. I'm sorry it might get a bit longwinded but i'm at the end of my rope here :(

The upshot here is that my DP is resistant to me meeting his daughter despite us being together for 10 months.

I met my partner back in October last year (it wasn't meant to be anything more than a casual thing, after my last 'DP' was such a screaming cocklodger, I?d decided not to introduce my kids to any more stress in that area.) We'd become really close friends by Christmas, so much so that one thing led to another and here we are now 10 months down the line and in most respects he's lovely. Honest, sweet and so many things that make me really happy. He really is. Yeah I know that doesn?t mean that people are meant to be together but it is something worth working for, isn?t it?

But there is one area that we consistently rub wrong. Well, I do anyway. He?d rather stick his head in the sand. He finds it really hard to open up or even talk. But he and i used to talk all the time when we first met. Above and beyond the usual 'getting to know each other' stuff. He told me a few months ago that he was depressed about his job and other things. Things like me meeting his daughter. And I have come to the edge of ending things once already over this. How much space is enough?

Back in January he moved into his own place after living with his in-laws after splitting up with his wife the previous May as he was cheating on him. We'd spoken a lot about me meeting his daughter prior to this, but his ex was completely against the idea (despite her meeting and moving in with her 'new' partner within 6 weeks of leaving her marriage. I think hypocrisy is too polite here, folks) to the point of threatening him with a complete lack of contact with his daughter if he let me see her. She told him that the end of April would be soon enough for us to meet.

In February I ended up meeting his daughter for a short while as I had left my duvet at his place (after staying there while my own children were off with their father on holiday) and he said it would be fine if he brought it over to me. For the record i told him that I had others and he insisted it was ok. i took it that he had decided it was a good time for his daughter and I to meet regardless of his ex?s decision. I didn?t completely agree and I said he should tell her beforehand just so she?d know. Again I made the assumption that he had.

He hadn?t as it turned out. The three of us had a lovely time and I even made her tea as it was that time of day. They were with me just over an hour before going home. Obviously his daughter mentioned to her mum what she?d done that day (she?s only 5 after all) and the mum went spare and told my partner that he would never see his daughter again. And she stuck to that for 6 weeks. 6 weeks oif hell for my partner.

I can understand why he is reluctant to go through it again. I really can. It hurts me more than I can admit to, that he won?t stand up to his ex on this score and it makes me sound really petty but he keeps choosing to keep her happy rather than stand up for what he keeps saying to me, which is that he wants us all to have a normal family relationship. I have tried to get him to understand that I support him and that I can?t ask him to push this as it has to be his decision or else it means nothing and then if it all goes pear shaped he?ll blame me for it.

But where do I draw the line? Two weeks ago after we?d been talking about it all yet again he said would I like to meet his daughter this weekend. Today or tomorrow. I asked him what event it was or which special occasion, to which he replied none. My point was that surely then and there was better! Especially as it had been so long. So I said yes ok, that?s fine. And now here we are and he has made an oblique point of saying to me that he and his daughter will not be seeing me this weekend.

He would normally have come over last night and when I asked him Friday morning whether I would see him he told me flat out that ?no of course not as he has his daughter all weekend? Slap me if I have taken that a bit wrong! But didn?t he say to me that this weekend was when he?d like to get the three of us together (no not all of us as he thinks my kids would overwhelm her, if you can believe that)?

Where am I going wrong here? It hurts so much. Or am I being a spoilt brat? Tell me honestly please people!

Minxi - I agree that 'DD' isn't suffering directly from not seeing GM (although she keeps talking about her and presumably wants to know why she's not allowed to see her?!), but how much nicer it would be for her if she could see her Dad and GM together. It's my opinion too that children shouldn't be introduced to new partners too quickly, but I don't think 10 months is 'too quickly' and as her Mum moved in with her new partner 6 weeks after her Mum & Dad split up, I don't think she's really thinking about her daugher - do you??

(Of course we don't know the otherside of the story, you could say that about any situation on MN. GM could be a hairy trucker for all we know , so all we can go on is the info provided.)

Curlymama you said the same thing - but so much better!

if the Mother was thinking about the child - she wouldn't have been moving in with her new partner 6 weeks after splitting up with GM's DP.

I agree mum is being unreasonable about that, but two unreasonables don't make a right or whatever

It would also be nice if they could all get along but that's not life at the mo - I personally don't see point in pushing it, especially as the realationship sounds rocky.

No, as I said earlier, I think GM has a few things to sort out with her DP :(

Oh blimey! I never thought so many people would listen to my problem here. Thanks so much to all of you. I know what busy days we all have out there and for you all to take time out over this means a huge deal to me! I?m sorry if I miss anyone out here but some of the points you all raise I wanted to come back to.

Justonemorethen I have said that he can do this, and that his ExW can?t legally stop him seeing his daughter, that?s what organisations like CAFCASS are for, but he doesn?t want to cause more ripples than already being caused by their divorce. He is a completely nice person you see. And half of him is torn I think by this. But ultimately, and I agree, his priority is his daughter, as much as he can see her. God that sounds contradictory doesn?t it? :(

dilemma456 I want to have a relationship with this man for as long as I possibly can. And to my mind his daughter is the biggest part of his life. I have nothing that I keep apart from him. My family, my friends, my life are all open to him. It hurts that he doesn?t see it the same way. But until now I haven?t pushed the issue from my side but the more time goes on the less he has motivation to do anything. I know the time frame isn?t mine to push and I wish I knew how to articulate this better. I just see him settling in and never changing. I would rather risk an argument now and we have a proper future than step back and end up breaking up over it. Seriously what kind of person would I be if I wasn?t interested in his daughter?

I have a 24 yo DSD from my marriage to my children?s father whom I still adore and keep in touch with (she was 8 when I married her dad). My previous ?DP? of the cocklodging character, had one daughter of 10 whom I welcomed into my family (as anyone who got drawn into that epic posting will already know from last year) and indeed she lived here half the week, but was shut out of our lives (even whilst she was living here) by her fathers wish to segregate the two sides, he didn?t wish to ?contaminate? his daughter with my kids and my principles of parenting. I am merely trying to illustrate that step-parenting is hardly a new one to me. I can?t imaging having a relationship of the calibre I have with my DP and keeping my children apart! They are the hugest part of me.

minxie1977 I have to add that this isn?t the first time my DP and his ex have been apart, not that I?m trying minimise the impact any break up has on the children involved. But this time is very different. And she is such a bright little thing, so bubbly and full of beans. And I?ve just recalled something I had deliberately forgotten in order to protect myself. I did see her another time. It was either the same night or the next one back in February. I?d gone to his place after dinner. We played and she asked could I give her, her bath. After her bath we all sat on his living room floor and she pulled books (his books, not hers, mind) out of the bookcase and proceeded to tell us the story of each book! Some of them were crime thrillers but the stories she made up of them were incredible. A brilliant little mind she has, such a sweetie. I?d forgotten all that until just now. And now I?m crying again. How stupid I am.

Mjinhiding You, my dear, have my utmost sympathy and respect. It is horrible what you have been through and are still going through. But you sound so well balanced! I?d love to know how you do it. I have put myself in my DP?s, ExW?s shoes and have given her the benefit of the doubt more than once and indeed taken her side with my DP from time to time (right is right, after all) but as time has gone on the things she has done to my DP have gradually used up my sympathies. And now I have to look at her reasons behind her actions more than anything else. In my mind everyone gets the benefit of the doubt and usually more than one second chance. Life is complicated and nothing is ever all that clear cut. Her behaviour towards her EX (my dp) has deteriorated since he met me. Apparently in the beginning they were amicable and had all things sorted quite well (well, so long as he went along with her wishes) but after he met me and suggested that the things they?d agreed on for after they both had new partners, things changed. She changed. Suddenly he was being unreasonable and difficult about seeing his daughter. and she would change when he could see her or if he could see her at all t the drop of a hat. And if he?d made plans then he ?didn?t want to see her? and ?was a bad father?. But if she changes things then that?s ?just how things go?.

I?d been devils advocate all along, telling him that yes actually stuff happens and sometimes you just have to go with it, but as time went on it became clear that her changes were more to annoy him than genuine.

Dinahrod I don?t think dragging this all out through the court will make his daughter?s life any better and will only make her mum angry towards me which will poison any rapport we may have built.

Drinkyourmilk thank you for your endorsement and your encouragement! It isn?t easy seeing both sides and it is something I quite like about myself that I can in most cases. I?m just finding it a little hard here to see things clearly. My DP does have to make some decisions here. I have tried to explain to him that in a real relationship you can say things that you can?t to most people. We may not like it being said (as in ?bugger off for a bit you?re doing my head in?) but we?ll still be around afterwards. It would take A LOT for me to walk away form this man. Sadly this is one of those things that to me IS a deal breaker. I?m not saying that if he doesn?t ?do as I say? I will walk, but I have to see the bigger picture here too. Not only for myself but for my kids too. They have heard so much about his daughter and really want to meet her too. In the beginning they couldn?t stop asking about her and wanting to see her. Over time they have stopped asking (as have I) because they simply can?t understand the bigger issues, and why should they? To them it is very simple: they are all kids and would have a great time playing together. Any new friends are brilliant and they love my DP so by extension they already love her too.

Curlymama you had it spot on! And you too made me cry. I had only just stopped after minxie did her bit for the Kleenex corporation! I couldn?t have put it better myself.

chippingIn it hurts me to see how he suffers through this but I can?t completely step back from my own pain. I hate seeing this happening to him; he is such a good person. I hope I haven?t portrayed him to be anything else. Ok, ok, he?s no paragon of virtue; he is after all, a man. Flawed and a bit stupid at times. And sometimes I could take a bat to his head he is so dense! But there is something there that I am holding on for. He may never marry me, and I may never want him too (well, I do but we won?t go there) but I think it takes more than a ring to make a committed relationship.

I don?t know how this will end but your support has made it so much easier to put it all back in proportion and perspective. :(

xxx

God I've just re-read all that I just wrote and I want to apologise, profusely, I hadn't realised how long winded it was!

Oh mjin it is so desperately hard to do the right thing isn't it? Your situation sounds like a complete nightmare. Thank goodness you have your OH to keep you going through it. I personally have never understood why people (women especially for some reason) become insane when relationships end. Surely if things idn;t work out between those two people that doesn;t preclude them both getting on with their own seperate individual lives? Jealousy just eats you up and doesn;t have any table manners when it comes to spitting you back out again! I'm not saying I'm a paragon of virtue or anything but I did make a 200 mile round train journey to make sure my kids didn;t miss their dad's wedding last year. Out of my pocket. Because for us it was the right thing to do.

He is a bit of a knob whne it comes to his kids and always has been but they still needed to be there for it. And we are realising now that his new wife is turning out to be a lttle bit of a mix between Cruella and Snow White's lovely Step Mum. You and I can't be the only 'nice' new partners out there surely???

What you are going through with your DSD is hard to accept, I know. I'm very lucky that my DSD still loves me and wants to see me. Mainly due to her being able to see her father for what he is rather than putting those old rose tinted's on. But then she ahs always been a bit more than normal, calling me Mum really quickly and never ever going down the 'you're not my mother' route. But then she didn;t have a living mother to have to think about as far as feelings go. Maybe things would ahve been different if her mother hadn't died when she was very little, but who knows.

I don;t know how any of this will pan out. And after being tortured all weekend by text messages from my DP about what he and his daughter were doing I am completely wrung out today.

I hope you have a fabulous day out there while it attempts to lay sunshine on us, for the time being. ;)