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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Straw poll - do your partners help with night time feeds

67 replies

Suzieshoe · 13/08/2010 21:07

Hi I wanted to do a straw poll on the following. Our son is now ten months old and during that time my partner has only done nighttime feeds for the two weeks after I had our lo. Since then he hasn't helped with any of the unsociable hrs feeds and swears that he doesn't hear our lo crying and that he doesn't feel my nudges which are actually pretty hard. He now wants another child and I scared the same will happen again. I am pretty exhausted as I'm working full time hrs. Am I being unreasonable to be worried about how I would cope with another lo? Especially if he takes the same approach next time

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 13/08/2010 21:11

YANBU, this is unacceptable.
Both of mine were breastfed until well after they started sleeping through so obviously he couldn't do the feeds. However he still got up and got them from the cot, checked and changed their nappies and handed them to me. He always tried to stay awake to keep me company as well, just holding my hand or whispering to me (although he did used to sometimes fall asleep mid sentence bless him). If they had trouble going back down he did his share of winding, rocking, walking up and down as well.

SirBoobAlot · 13/08/2010 21:12

Do you want another child? How are you feeding? If you're bottle feeding he should definitely be doing at least a feed.

Think you need to have a serious talk with him about how much extra work another child would be, and how you doing it all by yourself just isn't fair - regardless of how many children you have.

FWIW I breastfeed, and DP has done two feeds, in the first few weeks, simply as I found it easy to just breastfeed. But he does get up (when we're at his) to get DS, brings DS to me in bed, waits until DS has finished feeding, the puts him back to bed. So I think that's fair.

lolapoppins · 13/08/2010 21:13

Dh did all of ds night feeds as a baby. He used to like having a cuddle with him at night as he was at work in the day.

Minxie1977 · 13/08/2010 21:16

YANBU to wonder how you'll cope but I doubt it'd be any diff 2nd time around. FWIW my DH didn't do night feeds - apart from staying up all night when I was ill. He doesn't hear DD when I'm there & if I wake him he acts like an arse. I choose to accept this about him but seems f*ing unfair that i wasn't warned he'd be an arse in advance. You have to make the choice based on what he's like as a person not what he says he'll be like!

lindsell · 13/08/2010 21:20

Well I bfed and so he couldn't help really and I always thought it wasn't worth both of us having to wake up esp as he had to go to work and I was on ML til ds was 12mo so I did all night feeds (and he usually snored through them even when ds was in our room ) Now (ds is 16mo) DH will get up (if nudged) to settle him but if he needs feeding I still do it as still bf at night.

YANBU to expect some help if you are both working full time and esp if he wants another child.

Squitten · 13/08/2010 21:21

I'm a SAHM and my DH helped with night feeds from the start. He is a much lighter sleeper than me so would generally always wake up first anyway. He also does better on less sleep.

TBH, I think you need to find out exactly how he thinks things are going to work next time around BEFORE you ttc. You are entitled to ask for his help and if he says he will help but doesn't, he would get a glass of cold water on his head!

ChocolateMoose · 13/08/2010 21:22

No night feeds for DH here - DS is still breastfed. Also unfortunately (possibly not unrelated) he stops crying and goes to sleep so much quicker if I go in so I do all the night stuff except if it gets really dire. DH does do other stuff to make up for it though - I often get two proper lie-ins on a weekend as he gets up with DS both mornings.

MrsJohnDeere · 13/08/2010 21:23

We're well beyond that stage now (dcs 4 and 2) but both were Ffed and dh didn't do a single bloody night feed!

sneezecake · 13/08/2010 21:25

dh was and still is an angel, ds co sleeps but occationally has rough nights, he's bf so dh couldn't help with the feeding, but when ds had colic, dh was up (sometimes all night) with him, now when ds wakes up, dh puts him in his sling to get him back to sleep then brings him back to bed.
I need my sleep otherwise I'm a grumpy arse the next day, I think dh knows this and its why he dose it bless him.

Ceebee74 · 13/08/2010 21:29

I bottlefed both of my DS's and DH certainly did his fair share of night feeds (although my 2 slept through from 4 weeks and 10 weeks respectively so there weren't that many ) but when they were waking up, we used to alternate nights so I would do all the feeds one night and DH would do the next night etc.

As my DC were in our room, even if it was DH's night, I would always wake up but at least I didn't actually have to get up and make up the bottle etc and could just doze until it was all done and we were all back in darkness and asleep.

Not sure I would have been happy if he didn't do any of them.

littlemisslozza · 13/08/2010 21:30

No, my DH didn't do any nightfeeds but I was breastfeeding. Didn't see the point in him getting up too, no point both of us being shattered, and he has to get up at 5am anyway. We did have a deal second time round that he would get up to DS1 if necessary and he kept to that, no problems. Would that be worth considering - be in charge of a child each at night time? He did more cooking for the first few months than he normally does, which was a real help.

Weegle · 13/08/2010 21:30

With DS I did all feeds but DH regularly settled him, and when it was no longer feeds but bad dreams/duvet tangled etc, DH woke first and dealt with it. Then we had twins. DH and I did one baby each for feeds. Now they are 7.5 months, no longer need feeds but need about 3 re-settles a night between them. DH does them as he wakes first. He says I'm more than tired enough dealing with all 3 of them during the day it's the least he can do - he's a good man and I'm very grateful!

Meglet · 13/08/2010 21:31

Over 2 years and 2 dc's my XP never did a night feed, a night nappy change or helped clean up sick. And he wouldn't get out of bed in the morning at weekends. He is someone elses problem now .

Any decent partner should help in the night.

Original poster

Suzieshoe · 13/08/2010 21:35

Thanks for your messages ladies. I would like another child but the lack of help is really putting me off the idea. For financial reasons I am always going to have to work at least partying and I would be worried about not giving my best to either child if I wasn't getting the help. I think I need to have a v serious think. Thanks once again.

OP posts:

alicet · 13/08/2010 21:36

My dh is fantastic. He's always helped more than most of my friends dhs with both of our boys. Apart from when they were tiny and I was bf (although he would give bottle last thing so I could get a decent stretch), and when ds1 would sleep well during the day so I could catch up then, he would do alternate nights as he appreciated that a day looking after 1 then 2 boys is as hard as a day at work.

Having said that we are both sensitive with how the other is feeling and will each take on more when the other is struggling or has something important on at work.

I feel very lucky to have such a supportive dh but at the same time I find it strange in a way that I think this - he is their dad as much as I am their mum and to be honest I don't see why as their mum I should have anymore of this to deal with than him? Especially now I am working too. Given how others are though I am definately lucky but I feel my situation should be the norm not the exception!

Original poster

Suzieshoe · 13/08/2010 21:37

I meant part time not partying. If only : )

OP posts:

DragonMamiCooksWelshCakes · 13/08/2010 21:43

You could try a system like the one DH & I had. DH used to stay up later than me to do the late feed & then I'd get up for anything after 2am. I'd go to bed about 8.00 pm & so was getting a full night's sleep (almost) before anyone needed to wake me up. DH has always been better at late nights than me & I'm more at home with early mornings so it suited us both.

Thankfully DiddyDragon is now almost 2 so we're pretty much past the stage when anyone needs to get out of bed. (Bets on a crying fit in the early hours now I've said that?)

OTOH if he's not willing to pull his weight full stop then you need some serious thinking & conversations.

PaulineCampbellJones · 13/08/2010 21:47

We used to have a system too. DH did anything up to midnight and the 7am feed while I did the dead of night ones as I was on mat leave. I used to take DD for a nap with me in the afternoon too. Now I'm back at work we share any night dramas of which thankfully there are few.

zam72 · 13/08/2010 21:50

For both DS1 and 2 when I was BF DS obviously didn't help out. But after that we would take it in turns mostly. DS1 didn't sleep very well and actually DH mostly got up to pop a dummy back in (I was a mess most of the time with sleep deprivation, he did better with less sleep so he tended to get up). If it was a prolonged hourfest I would do it as he had work in the morning. DS2 slept brilliantly (maybe you'll get one of those next?? Makes a world of difference! Slept through from 9 weeks...and even for those 9 weeks only had to get up 1x a night!) and post=9 weeks it was only dreamfeeds we needed to give him at 10.30pm and we took it in turns.

I have friends whose DH's are very heavy sleepers and would sleep through crying even in the same room. Would be very annoying!

theskiinggardener · 13/08/2010 21:50

I'm a SAHM. DH works full time. DS is 10 weeks.

Nights are dealt with on a shift system. split half and half, which generally means I do until 10-2 and he does 2-6. DS tended to wake between 1:45 and 2:15, which made it a bit of a lottery.

Fairs fair, looking after a little one is work, I do it 9-5 while he is working for money then we split the rest.

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 13/08/2010 21:52

if you're bottlefeeding that's really not fair. my DD was mix fed and if she woke in the night it was always formula so DH could do it and I could get some sleep.

DS is fully breastfed so obviously I do it, which is fine as DH more than makes up for it in other ways, when he's home he does pretty much all nappy changes etc. also DS did have some formula top-ups in the first 2 weeks and I barely did any of those because DH did it.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 13/08/2010 21:53

He couldn't help with the breastfeeding obviously (which is probably why he was so keen for me to do it!) but as soon as I was back at work and I'd stopped b/f he was up with the formula when needed. He's always been fab through the nights, far better than me - I'm vile without my 7 hours

Original poster

Suzieshoe · 13/08/2010 21:54

That's v fair. I think my husband used the fact I was on mat leave as a reason not to do it. The prob with him is that he talks a good game about what he is going to do to help but he doesn't follow through particularly if there is something he wants to do more. I think we need a scary cards on the table session about this.

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 13/08/2010 22:00

I mainly bf, so he couldn't help, although we replaced the 10:30pm feed with a bottle and DH did that before coming to bed, so I could be in bed from 9pm.

DS is now 7.5months and still waking some nights for a feed. although he's on formula now, I still do the night feeds/night settling (often DS doesn't want milk, he just wants a hug) but then I'm on maternity leave and DH has a stressful job to do. If I was at work too then we might have to share the night feeds.

Oh, and DH doesn't always wake up either.

maxpower · 13/08/2010 22:01

DH helped - we used to take it in turns. TBH I expected him to pull his weight and he expected to have to

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