Straw poll - do your partners help with night time feeds

[Suzieshoe]

Hi I wanted to do a straw poll on the following. Our son is now ten months old and during that time my partner has only done nighttime feeds for the two weeks after I had our lo. Since then he hasn't helped with any of the unsociable hrs feeds and swears that he doesn't hear our lo crying and that he doesn't feel my nudges which are actually pretty hard. He now wants another child and I scared the same will happen again. I am pretty exhausted as I'm working full time hrs. Am I being unreasonable to be worried about how I would cope with another lo? Especially if he takes the same approach next time

My DH has NEVER done a night feed, or anything else for that matter. For what it's worth, I BF'd all mine, so he couldn't actually feed them BUT he has always said that it is part of my job to protect him from broken nights because he has to go to work. Therefore, it is also me who has always dealt with any issues that come up during the night, illnesses, wet beds, bad dreams, whatever.

But then, I could count on one hand the number of nappies he has changed or baths he has done, or meals he has made, or anything else. He's not what you could call a very hands on husband and father, and we have 5 kids.

I would say that he is likely to be exactly the same if you have another child. Only have another if YOU want to as well, and if you think that you can cope with another. Hopefully by the time another child comes along, your wee boy will be sleeping through, so you will have only one to think about during the night. Don't bank on it, though, my 7 year old DS4 still doesn't sleep a whole night.

Thanks seatrek.. Gutted though!

Yabu for using the words 'help with'. Who made it not his responsibility just as much as it is yours?

But yanbu fidwanting him to pull his weight!

Whilst DC were waking in the night they were BF although DH would do his share of bringing them to me/changing nappy/settling.

I was a SAHM and he worked but said he didn't want me to be so exhausted I couldn't enjoy the children.

no, never. but I do bf and he pulls his weight with the rest of household chores

DS will be an only child precisely because of the woeful support/help I had from MisterSitOnHisHands.

It's true hairytriangle, the 'help with' comment, I'm guilty of that too. I was so weak and all over the place when I had DS.

I won't stand for the Babysitting comment now though!

dh does equal share, we take it in turns. if you're ff I don't see any reason why he shouldn't.

Thanks for all the comments it's really helpful to hear others thoughts and experiences. Sorry about the 'help with' phrase that's probably just a symptom of the probs I've been having. I should say that I had a pretty traumatic birth which finished in an emergency c-section so prob wasn't in the best position to argue my corner from the get go. Definitely given me lots of food for thought. Thanks all :)

sanielle I read that my supply would be messed up if I didn't pump at the right time, but nevertheless pumped when I found I had time/energy and didn't notice any change.

I don't really understand the logic of the "pumping messes up supply" argument because my experience has been that my baby's requirements changed from week to week, even day to day, anyway. It would make sense that breastmilk production is responsive to this, i.e. yields the goods on demand, regardless of time of day, whether pump or latch.

my dh has helped pretty much all the way through. dd (10 months) is bf but to be fair he got up and changed her and got me drinks/snacks even at night when she was wee. she sleeps through until about 6 now and he usually fetches her from her room for me when hes here (works offshore) and when she wakes up properly he takes her away and gives her breakfast/plays with her until i get up.

mind you he thinks he deserves a flipping MEDAL for all this!

sorry op, think you need to work something out with your dh, if i understand this right you are already back to work but you are still doing all the baby work??

It's been many a long year since mine were up in the night but they were both ff and DH and I had an agreement to take it in turns to get up with them for whatever reason. So every other night one of us got a full night's sleep. We also took it in turns to get up at weekends so we each got a lie in.

It's a load of rubbish for any working parent to leave it all to the SAHM/D and to say that he/she needs more sleep because of being at work all day. Looking after a DC all day is a full time job in itself and most people would agree that you can cope with pretty much anything in the day if you've had a good sleep.

Time for a honest discussion here IMO.

Sorry,missed the bit about you working full time too. Well he needs a kick up the arse then .

My DH always got up to get DS although I was bf. He didn't put him back to sleep, but I did feel supported. He is also brilliant in other ways. I think it comes down to feeling that you support each other, not just finances!!

Yes sorry, if you are working too then it is not even a discussion!!!

I breat fed so DH didn't do night feeds. But when our DD's didn't need an early morning fed, Dh and I would share getting them up.

Hi Suzie,

Currently DD is 6, DS1 is 4 and DS2 is a EBF baby (17 weeks) and I am on maternity leave. I worked right up to my EDD and from around 20 week pregnant we discussed that I needed my sleep more than him so if either DD or DS1 woke up it was his responsbility. DD reliable sleeper but DS1 not so, DH was up roughly twice a week with something or another (needs a wee/fall out of bed/comforter on floor/ran out of drinking water/bad dream etc).

This arrangement continued after the baby was born (I see to baby he sees to DD and DS1). As DH didn't get paternity leave (new job) and was working he didn't help me at night with the baby, apart from Friday night or Saturday night, and maybe he would help say rock the baby to sleep between 10pm and midnight.

Once I go back to work (when DS2 is 6 months, he'll be on formula) we will probably take it in turns if he wakes BUT DH is big believer in babies sleeping on night so if it was every time he'd put his foot down. ie when DS1 was 6 months he helped me with sleep training, but he would not help with night time bottles on an ongoing basis and he said DS1 didn't need them. We did sleep train in a couple of weeks, so after that neither of us had to get up.

So what I am trying to say as its hard for me to comment on if you are being unreasonable based on your opening post. At 10 months a baby should be able to sleep all night.

If your DH wants to help you do sleeping training and you don't want to then its for you to get up so YABU... if you tried to do sleep training and he still wakes up then YANBU. etc