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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Straw poll - do your partners help with night time feeds

67 replies

Suzieshoe · 13/08/2010 21:07

Hi I wanted to do a straw poll on the following. Our son is now ten months old and during that time my partner has only done nighttime feeds for the two weeks after I had our lo. Since then he hasn't helped with any of the unsociable hrs feeds and swears that he doesn't hear our lo crying and that he doesn't feel my nudges which are actually pretty hard. He now wants another child and I scared the same will happen again. I am pretty exhausted as I'm working full time hrs. Am I being unreasonable to be worried about how I would cope with another lo? Especially if he takes the same approach next time

OP posts:
isthatporridgeinyourhair · 13/08/2010 22:03

Both of mine were ff and I would say that we shared the feeding equally - it's all part of being a family isn't it?

Fel1x · 13/08/2010 22:07

DH did help when the DCs were very young, but after that I did most of the night feeds as DH had to go to work and I am SAHM.

It did really help that DH goes to bed a lot later than me in general though, so he would feed DCs if they woke up while he was still up (up until about 1am usually) and I dealt with them after that until the morning.

Fel1x · 13/08/2010 22:07

but if we were both working full time then I would expect DH to do an equal share of night duty every night!!

Dysgu · 13/08/2010 22:08

DP has always shared the nights although in the early days with both DDs I generally did anything up til about 1am when I go to bed and he would do anything later than that. This suited us as I am the night owl whereas he gets up early anyway (generally about 5am). He is NOT good at getting up in the night but ALWAYS does it as he knows I really need his support.

With DD1 he would take his share of the hours walking her, driving her round, cleaning up the sick and all the other middle of the night tasks that she needed.

With DD2, who I really struggled with even though she is even easier than DD1, he has probably done more of the feeds, nappy changes and cleaning up of sick than I have in her lifetime.

He has had to be really supportive through the dramas of both our preemies even though he has continued to work full time (as do I when not on mat leave), has a75-90 minute commute each way to work and he still does bath time almost every single night. Then he will settle one to bed whilst I do the other.

He also puts up with me when I find it all so difficult - I would really have found it much harder if he had not been there to help through the nightimes when they were much smaller. I do think you need to talk to him about the help and support you need, especially if you go on to have a second child. If he doesn't wake to crying (from child) or poking (from you), poke harder! (DP almost always needed to be woken when it was his 'shift' and a baby was crying but he never complained about me waking him instead of sorting it - he knew we were both parents!

InWithTheITCrowd · 13/08/2010 22:20

DS (12 mo) has never had a night feed- he just goes to sleep for the night at about 7.30, and sleeps through - but, on the odd occasion he's woken up at night, it depends what time it is. DH gets up for work at 3.30, so if it's around that time, then DH goes to see to him. Obviously after that, it's all me. I see it as payback for me doing mornings on my own Grin It is quite a rare occurence, but I'd say yes, we tend to split the overall childcare

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 13/08/2010 22:28
Manda25 · 13/08/2010 23:42

My son was fed at 8pm, 12am and 4am. I went to bed at 7pm for the first 9 weeks of his life and the OH did the 8pm & 12am feeds before coming back to bed ...by that time i had had 8/9 hours sleep. I was back at work when he was 5 months old so on the odd occasion he woke up during the night and needed to be settled we would take it in turns

InWithTheITCrowd · 14/08/2010 10:22

oh, sorry Porridge. The boy likes his sleep. I'm crazy-lucky, cos I like it too... Grin

dilemma456 · 14/08/2010 10:26

DP was/is normally away 4 or 5 nights a week but when he was home he'd get up and do any nappies, help settle her back to sleep, sing to her etc. He couldn't do the feeds as dd was breastfed

azazello · 14/08/2010 10:28

DH always did a dream feed for DD and we'd take it in turns to get up when I was back a work. DS is bf so I have to do feeds. If he doesn't settle after I've tried to drug him back to sleep with breastmilk, DH will take over.

It does mean that even if we wanted another child we're not in the same room for long enough for it to be a realistic possibility so I think we're stopping at 2...

Envy at InwiththeITCrowd.

FloraFinching · 14/08/2010 10:35

when DD was mixed/formula feeding, we shared the night feeds.
I went to bed at 9pm. DH dealt with any wakings before 2am. I dealt with those after 2am. This way, in theory, both of us got a five hour block of sleep, which I felt I needed to feel human.

NoSleepTillWeaning · 14/08/2010 10:41

Dh doesn't do night feeds. Historically because I BF and with DS, who is FF, because I'm a control freak. He would do them if I insisted asked but It would be nice if he offered more. Mind you, the times he has done it DS has been a pain to get back to sleep so easier if i do the feed anyway.

clouddragon · 14/08/2010 10:48

DH helped with rocking etc with DS 1 & 2, I did all feeds due to having the boobs.

DD1 slept throught since 5 weeks so no need for his help!

If I FF I would expect DH to do some of the feeds, esp at w/e.

Morloth · 14/08/2010 12:43

About 50/50 sometimes I hear baby first and sometimes DH does. If he hears him first he gets him and brings him to me in bed so I don't need to get up - I put him back in the cot though (if I can be arsed most nights he just co-sleeps from then). If I hear him first I just get him.

loobylu3 · 14/08/2010 12:54

It depends on the situation.
Given that you are both working full time and you are bottle feeding, your DH should definitely be doing every other night.

I think for a first baby with mum on maternity leave/ being a SAHM, it's reasonable for the mum to do the night feeds. You don't have to be mentally very switched on if you are on mat leave- I remember just watching a lot of day time TV first time around!

Personally, as I was bf, I did all the feeds and DH had a god nights sleep at the beginning- I couldn't see the point of both of us being shattered! However, once I stopped bf and went back to work, it is half and half (not frequent anyway)!

JuicyLips · 14/08/2010 12:57

I do it all. Dh says he doesn't hear anything. he did for the first nights home with both ds and dd but that's about it.

sanielle · 14/08/2010 13:00

I like this thread, I have a question for the Breast feeders. Is it possible to BF full time and express milk for one day every week. Cause I have a big probably stupid as I've never had to BF and dont have a fucking clue idea that I will nurse 6 days a week and on a friday or saturday night DH will feed it with a bottle so I can have some wine rest. Does that mess up supply?

EdgarAllenPop · 14/08/2010 13:04

as i sleep very heavily indeed, DH sometimes got baby and woke me. whilst he was working ful time and i was on mat leave OTOH i was happy to do the whole job (just not always conscious)

TruthSweet · 14/08/2010 13:50

I've bf all of mine but DH has done all night wakings with DD1 once I was pg with DD2 and all night wakings with DD1 & DD2 once pg with DD3. Occasionally I will go into older DDs if DH cannot settle them or he has to travel for work the next day or if DD1 has a nightmare or night terror as emotional support for DH as that's quite traumatic.

I get the best deal because I roll over, pick up DD3, lie down and feed her back to sleep while I doze then put her back in the cot once she's out sparko. DH has to get up to deal with DD2 'losing' her water beaker/covers off her/random request for stuffed toy and DD1's nightmares and equally random requests! DD3 wakes 1/2 times a night and DD2 & 3 wake around 3 times a night Shock

SeaTrek · 14/08/2010 14:01

My DH never helped with nighttime feeds. ONCE I had to wake him to help me lift DS from the cot (bad carpal tunnel in both wrists and was worried I would drop him) and he was so angry with me. Went straight back to bed without worrying about whether I would be able to put DS back in the cot. As I BF I obviously never expected him to help during the night with feeds but I was, and and still am, pretty appalled that he acted so selfishly that night and in general. He was always more tired than me, despite DS rarely waking him up, too, apparently.

Nope, didn't have another!

He has improved a little since those days but progress is slow. Oh no! I am annoyed with him again now and this was at least 5.5 years ago now!

SeaTrek · 14/08/2010 14:08

Sanielle - in my experience, yes, it will mess up your supply if you simply did not express the milk then.

Pumping and supply was a big part of my life as I BF DS for 14 months (no formula but cows milk after 12 months) and I returned to work part-time at three months.

You could, however, pump at slightly more convenient times.

My DS slept 11 hours straight when he was fairly small (ONCE but we had a few days of long sleeps!) and I blissfully slept, too. I am convinced this is what brought on the return of AF at 4 months despite exclusively BFing. EVERY month I had supply issues and I learnt to maintain and oversupply of approx 10 ozs so that I just had enough around AF and I had to do a 'pump marathon' for a couple of days then to get my supply back up.

I know other people may have more robust supplies but, in my opinion, it just isn't worth it!

stupidgreatgrinonmyface · 14/08/2010 14:10

Both mine were FF and I was a SAHM at the time, but DH and I had a system whereby I did night feeds Tues - Thurs nights and he did Sat-Mon nights. We alternated Fridays.It suited us because it didn't have too much impact on DH sleep, bearing in mind he had to get up for work and I didn't. The nights he did it were nights when he either didn't have to get up for work the next day, or was up watching sports on TV anyway. Having said that, we were very lucky with both DCs because they were sleeping through from 6 and 4 weeks. But it there was a problem with them in the night we still stuck to our system.

Actually, now I'm thinking about it, we still (sub-conciously) do the same, except that theses days it is about which of us stays awake to listen out for them coming home from their nights out! ( DCs are now 21 and 18) Grin

invisibleink · 14/08/2010 14:24

What loobylu Said. Except I havent gone back to work yet.

OhCobblers · 14/08/2010 14:41

mine were both mixed fed (expressed milk) in the early days followed by formula only after a few weeks.

DH always shared night feeds with me in the first couple of weeks as i had CS both times and then he always did the 10.30pm feed once he was back at work so that i could be in bed early. goes without saying that come the weekend he'd do one night shift and vice versa while the other had a lie in!

fortunately mine only ever woke up once in the night for a feed (but DH would always help if i needed it and one night took over at 3am as i couldn't settle DC1) and from 7 weeks slept through 'til 7am from the 10.30pm feed so wasn't really an issue.

however, i know that he would always help no matter what. He always saw it that we were both the parents!

cat64 · 14/08/2010 14:52

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