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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off about being judged.

94 replies

redderthanred · 12/08/2010 10:53

Because i am being judged and i am pissed off about it.

DD has gone to her fathers for 8 days.
I have used/am using this time to go out and have as much fun as possible.
Cinema, meals out, pubs, friends, shopping, drinking, lots of sex and laying in bed all day ( on my one day off)

Im bloody knackered from it, but ive not had a whole week to myself before and DD is coming up for 5. I never get to go out on a evening without the hastle of a babysitter..
Im just making the most of it.

I have been judged by work collegues, friends and some family. That i should be doing things round the house and not being so hedonistic.

That if they had spare childfree time they would do the garden, or tidy their childs room. Or that they just couldnt be apart from their child that long so it would just never happen.

I am going to tidy my childs room. But not until the day she comes back. And im going to have a lovely tea in the oven for her, and we will have a bath, and read stories and cuddle up and have an early night.

Im just pissed off that people seem to think its ok to judge me for having a little bit of fun and that im a shit parent because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
redderthanred · 12/08/2010 11:45

Well thats what i think.

One of my collegues, who is actually YOUNGER than me said ' oh, i just couldnt be like you'

What on earth is that meant to mean?????

OP posts:
Original poster
redderthanred · 12/08/2010 11:48

And that if they had some childfree time, it wouldnt even cross their minds to go out. They would just go home and get on with something.

I asked if they wouldnt even think about having an afternoon shopping trip, nose about the shops, coffee with a friend type thing?
the answer was no.

They would go and do something for their child, like tidy their room, or set out crafts or some shit.

I then got given a very look down the nose face.

meh!

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 12/08/2010 11:54

Your colleagues sound like very dull people.

Is tidying a child's bedroom their idea of a good time?

Or are they not allowed to have a good time?

Snorbs · 12/08/2010 11:55

Pah, if I had eight whole days of childfreeness then I'd be doing exactly the same as you - using that time to do enjoyable grown-up stuff. Why waste it doing the same things you do every day?

I think some parents end up doing a holier-than-thou thing whereby they try to demonstrate their love for their children by competing over who can fake be the most distraught over the thought of being separated from them for a second. Sod 'em.

QuizteamBleakley · 12/08/2010 12:00

Why not combine the two: daytime sex in the dining room & lounge with a duster (marinaded in Mr Sheen)gaffer taped to yer arse / his arse / their arses . Swinging from the chandeliers will dislodge dust too. Brilliant.

Bathsheba · 12/08/2010 12:02

Tidying my child's bedroom isn;'t my idea of a good time, but I know, when its full on back to childcare and school and afterschool activities that I would be unlikely to get it done AND that it would always be niggling at the back of my head..

I like getting things off my "always niggling at the back of my head" list...!

I'd drink a lot of wine every night though...

OrmRenewed · 12/08/2010 12:06

How do they know you've been having lots of sex? Hmm

sarah293 · 12/08/2010 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Onetoomanycornettos · 12/08/2010 12:09

Mothers are supposed to feel guilty all the time even if they are not with their children. I get 'oh, I couldn't work as I'd be thinking about the children all day'. Well, if under 6 months, they have a point, but after that, if I am 100% sure they are well-cared for (usually with dad) then I relax and don't think about them at all. Does it make me a bad mum not to have photos on my desk and stare at them all day?!

YANBU, but entirely sensible. Those poor people who think having children means you can't be a good worker or a great partner or even just a person who enjoys a few nights out and the opportunity not to wash up.

Vallhala · 12/08/2010 12:09

Please tell these idiots from me... FUCK OFF!

Been there, still AM there although my kids are older. My mother pulls this one on me, looking down her nose at me if I so much as have a coffee with a friend. She played the martyr throughout my childhood ... well screw that, I'm not making the same mistake and neither should you.

Put them down to being either lacking in understanding, smug and self satisfied with their own perfect, supported, probably married lives or just plain frigging jealous. Then put your glad rags on and go out tonight and sleep in tomorrow! :)

And thank you... I have a child free week as of tonight and was just considering which of the DDs rooms to start gutting. I'm not now, having been reminded of what else I could be doing and how precious this free time is.

I owe you one, cheers! :)

ratspeaker · 12/08/2010 12:21

YANBU
It's not like your kids is being dumped on someone while you disappear on holiday!
You're doing a great thing letting her spend quality time with her dad, it'll make her feel secure and loved
Of course you'll miss her but why shouldn't you have some fun

Wonder what they'd make of me leaving my kids and husband for a week every year or so to go on holiday with my sis?

ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave · 12/08/2010 12:29

Your colleagues are weird. I am incredibly dull and I wouldn't raise an eyebrow at your spending your childfree week that way (provided you didn't give me a graphic account of the daytime sex). Given a childfree week I would at the very least be fitting in a lot of cinema and theatre.

maduggar · 12/08/2010 12:32

Id reply with "oh jeez, thats so boring!" to anyone who would say they would do housework. Housework! On child-free days? Shoudl be outlawed imo ha ha

atmywitssend · 12/08/2010 12:34

Its none of their business! You enjoy yourself! They're probably a bit jealous!

SweetGrapes · 12/08/2010 12:34

Housework? Seriously? They're so jealous...
YANBU.

nickelbabe · 12/08/2010 12:34

YANBU.

I would spend the whole week doing exactly as you have described.

It's not selfish, it's just normal.

especially as you've had to be mother for 5 years without a single break.

your colleagues are talking out of their arses and haven't got a clue.

who would spend a week on their own sitting sedately and tidying up their DC's bedrooms??? Shock

that's the weird and irresponsible thing to do - they wouldn't be recharging their batteries.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 12/08/2010 12:43

YANBU at all, enjoy the free time and up their arses if they think it's inappropriate.

I remember getting a dodgy comment and a Hmm face off a customer I was chatting to when I mentioned that DS (didnt have DD at the time) still went to the childminder on his specific day even if I didnt have work.
She seemed to think I should keep him home with me even though I would have to pay the childminder anyway! Crazy talk that is!

LucyLouLou · 12/08/2010 12:50

I really hate this attitude that you should give up every aspect of your life when you have a child. I mean, WTF is that about? Are you no longer human and instead some robotic mother machine?!

YADNBU. Have fun and lots and lots of daytime sex! And pity the people who judge you because it really does sound like they're jealous.

Original poster
redderthanred · 12/08/2010 12:50

oh - i feel a lot better now.
and wont feel so bad when i hit the pub later!

Im not being good by letting her spend time with her dad. its her right to do so. hes in the forces so not always around. he happens to be about at the momment, and off work.. so why should she be in nursery here with me while i work, when she could be having fun with him?

hes her dad, she has a right to see him too. This is the longest she has gone for. She has the option, if she wants to go for maybe 5 days next week as well ( long weekend) It will be up to her.

I dont want her to ever feel she cant say what she wants in fear of hurting a parent ( ie me.. or her dad actually)

Normally when she comes home after a weekend she tells me she misses me and is pleased to be home, but had fun. i tell her i had fun too, but am also pleased shes home and am very pleased she had a fun time.

Thing is collegues, friends and some family could go out of an evening at any time they wanted, they all have partners. I dont, my going out is limited. So im just making the most of it.

vallhala - fgs woman - dont clean!!! get out and have some fun for yourself!

OP posts:
cyteen · 12/08/2010 12:52

"I asked if they wouldnt even think about having an afternoon shopping trip, nose about the shops, coffee with a friend type thing?
the answer was no.

They would go and do something for their child, like tidy their room, or set out crafts or some shit."

I hope you openly laughed in their faces at this point, because that's what I'd be doing. Carry on enjoying yourself, you've earned it :)

Graciescotland · 12/08/2010 12:58

Have fun and enjoy yourself...

xstitch · 12/08/2010 13:06

red I am reading this and wondering if you work with my XH. He complained to the courts that I went to the supermarket while dd was with him.

Seriously I would say: 'My dd is safely with her father and is completely unaffected by my actions this week so but the f**k out, please' Grin

I admire your energy too.

LucyLouLou · 12/08/2010 13:29

xsitch - are you fucking kidding me?! How dare you get food for yourself and your DD! What a terrible mother you must be! Sarcasm....

Pardon me for asking, but is your XH mentally stable?

I remember your other thread about your home situation, how are you doing now?

[sorry for hijacking OP!]

LucyLouLou · 12/08/2010 13:29

sorry, xstitch (can't spell, pregnancy brain lol)

ManicMother7777 · 12/08/2010 13:44

Completely correct priorites IMO!

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