Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want 81 year old MIL to drive my baby and pre-schooler around?

66 replies

KellyGarrett · 12/08/2010 10:36

My 81 year old MIL wants to take the kids out on drives to see the kids in her car.

She has not been an accident or anything but at 81 her reactions are slow and she is not as sharp as she used to be.

My husband is not supporting my views and I am feeling kind of frustrated here. I does not seem right to me for someone this old to be responsible for keeping my babies safe in a moving vehicle.

Very interested to hear the views of others on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyGarrett · 12/08/2010 10:37

Sorry that was meant to be:

"My 81 year old MIL wants to take the kids out on drives in her car to visit her friends."

OP posts:
TonariNoTotoro · 12/08/2010 10:39

Is there any medical reason why she shouldn't be driving? I do see where you're coming from, but I don't think age alone is a reason.

Saying that, they're your kids and if you don't want her to drive them, that's your choice.

Follyfoot · 12/08/2010 10:48

I get where you are coming from KG and its a really difficult one to handle. My ex FIL was still driving in his late 70's and tbh he was lethal. He got stopped twice by the police for going too slow Shock. I didnt let my daughter go in a car driven by him.

My new FIL is 75 and his reactions when driving are deteriorating rapidly even though he is about as fit and healthy as a man of that age could possibly be. My Mum is 80 and still driving locally. I wouldnt be happy letting her drive my daughter who at 17 is probably better at pointing out potential hazards than my Mum is at seeing them! Its not really an issue for us any more as my Mum lives in a busy village so my daughter walks to anywhere she goes with my Mum (even though my Mum will take the car, park and meet my daughter there!). Other than being brave and saying something - with all the upset that might ensue - or making endless excuses, I cant see an easy way round it I'm sorry to say.

snice · 12/08/2010 10:51

My mother would find the distractions hard to handle when driving-

StormyWeather · 12/08/2010 10:51

If she's been driving all her life, and is not an unsafe driver, then she'll be taking account of the fact that she's a little slower in her reactions, etc. Why not go with her in her car for a while yourself to get a feel of how she drives?

To be honest, I'd rather an 81 year old careful driver than some of the idiots in company cars, who probably do take their kids around at the weekend, was driving my children/grandchildren around.

mumoffourgirls · 12/08/2010 10:53

MY MIL is 62 and I have never let her take my DDs in the car with her, she is lethal in a car, always hitting things, knocked a school girl down once and had a really bad accident years ago and nearly killed herself and her DCs. Depends on the abilities of the indvidual, I would trust you own instincts...

pigletmania · 12/08/2010 11:27

Oh dear mumoffourgirls that is not good. Age alone should not be a factor for not letting your dc in the car, there are so many unsafe younger drivers that I know that I would never let dd in. If like mumofffour your MIL is unsafe than yes fair enough. I would go in the car with her to see how she drives and if she is fine than there is no reason why you should not let her drive your dcs about. I also know of a few older drivers who are in their 70's who are realy safe, and I feel much more comfortable in the car with them than some of my brothers/friends driving, who think that they are Lewis Hamilton and take unessesary risks.

thesecondcoming · 12/08/2010 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzin · 12/08/2010 11:42

Did your MIL drive your husband around in a car when he was a baby? Were there any problems then? I know she's older now but the fact that she hasn't had any accidents is a plus. I think you U might be being a bit unreasonable. Though I always say go with gut instinct, Could you maybe talk to someone else in the family who has witnessed her driving & see what they think? It's really difficult to give accurate advice without witnessing how she drives her car.

pointydog · 12/08/2010 11:49

It's tricky. My fil is 80 and he's still ok at driving. Occasionally they take the dds on a long trip and I have a niggle at the back of my mind.

I've no idea what teh ILs would say, though, if I suggested they were too old to drive teh dds about.

sparkle1977 · 12/08/2010 11:50

I wouldn't be keen either as I agree that 81 is too old to be driving.

Difficult one to argue with the in-laws though isn't it.

My MIL is mid 60's and not such a great driver herself but I do let DCs go in her car with her at the moment.

diddl · 12/08/2010 12:01

I wouldn´t want it.

Also-boring for your children to be taken round & shown off to her friends?

sanielle · 12/08/2010 12:02

YANBU it depends on the person of course.. but as eye sight and reaction time slows down.. people often don't notice themselves.

IsItMeOr · 12/08/2010 12:09

How many DCs and how old?

TBH, I'd be pretty impressed at any 81yo being able to keep up with more than one mobile child. And I think it is naive to think your little angels are going to do anything other than tear her friends' houses to pieces (bet they have lots of delicate ornaments at grab level, shudder).

But it is understandable that she wants to show off her GC to her friends. Find another way that you're comfortable with and is likely to actually show your DCs in a good light - e.g. you supervising and giving them the evils.

Hopefully that will make the car issue go away.

racheyh · 12/08/2010 12:10

YANBU I would not even let her drive herself around never mind let her have my kids as passengers. Is she even strong enough to put them in their car seats properly?! We all know how strong a wriggly kid who doesn't want to sit in their seat can be!

pleasechange · 12/08/2010 12:12

Is she babysitting for you when driving them around? If you're asking her to babysit and she wants to get out of the house then YABU.

If this has nothing to do with babysitting then YANBU

gillybean2 · 12/08/2010 12:16

Is the issue simply her age? Should she not be driving at all iyo or just not driving your children?

If she is an unsafe driver you should be persuading her it may be time to give up her car. Perhaps you could ferry her everywhere instead then, and take the children to the friends house too...?

It's not just about whether she's safe to drive your dc. There are other children and road users out there too and you have a responsibilty to them, assuming she is actually unsafe to drive.

If you're simply basing this on her age, with no real idea of how good her driving actually is then you need to look at the whole issue. Older drivers do usually driver more slowly. PLus if she's only doing very short journeys in 30mph zones how fast can she be going?

Both my parents still drive, mum is 70, dad is 78. Dad still rides his motorbike a lot too, including long distance travelling and to going to europe on it together.
He was talking of giving it up this year though, not because he can't drive but because the bike is too heavy for him to hold now and it tires him if there's a lot of stop starting.

My mum doesn't like driving in teh dark so much any more. But apart from that they are both fine.

IsItMeOr · 12/08/2010 12:16

You're not wrong about the wriggles racheyh. My 17mo DS would go quietly on the outward journey to lull granny into a false sense of security and then never get back in for the return journey.

AMumInScotland · 12/08/2010 12:25

I'm slightly startled at the fact that people are making blanket statements that an 81yo shouldn't be driving. Some old people continue to be hale and hearty until they near 100 these days.

Any judgment on people's driving should be based on the facts - does she have a problem with her eyesight, is she starting to get confused, is she physically frail. If not, then there is no more reason to doubt her driving than that of a person of any other age.

Sit in the car with her, with the children in the back, and see how she copes with both the driving and the distractions of the DC - and make sure she has to do all the work with carseats and dealing with their behaviour. If she copes fine, you both know its ok, If she struggles then you'll have a reason for saying you are worried.

hocuspontas · 12/08/2010 12:27

My mum's 83 and I wouldn't have a problem with her driving. I think people know their limitations e.g. familiar roads and towns. My mum for instance wouldn't be happy on a motorway because she would be nervous accelerating quickly on the joining slip-roads. If she decided to take the dds out and the journey involved a motorway I would say no!

MrsJohnDeere · 12/08/2010 12:28

I won't let my parents (71 years old) take my dcs out in the car. They are both dangerous drivers IMO, particularly my father. I would be prepared to have a scene and cause upset with them rather than run the risk of them being in an accident with my dcs.
I've fobbed mine off by saying that our Isofix seats won't fit in their non-isofix car (I actually have no idea if that is the case). They don't understand isofix so have bought thus argument so far!

atmywitssend · 12/08/2010 12:32

Well my mum (70) regularly has DS in her car (2.7 and prefers her car to min!) and often has other DGC to stay. Much depends on health / strength of the grandparent. Some 70/80 year olds are likely to be safer drivers than most newly qualified drivers - and certainly more experienced.

ladysybil · 12/08/2010 12:32

i think you are being incredibly ageist. Just because she is 81 doesnt mean she isnt a safe driver. the two things arent connected.

if your post said that you are unhappy with your mil wanting to take your dc out in her car because you think her driving ability isnt brilliant, then i would aggree with you, but the very fact that you only mention her age makes me thing that you are being very very very unreasonable

Eskarina · 12/08/2010 12:43

Agree LadySybil. My grandparents are 78 and 83. They are perfectly safe, if slow drivers (not slow to react, and not dangerously slow). They're probably a lot safer than many young men who race away from traffic lights and accelerate hard round corners.

Morloth · 12/08/2010 13:03

I don't think there is any one rule here. My FIL is only early 70s but has decided (de to some medical conditions) that he won't be driving anymore.

My Mum however who is older than FIL is still driving just fine and I am OK with her taking my kids out.

Depends on your MIL not just her age, though it is a factor.