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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want 81 year old MIL to drive my baby and pre-schooler around?

66 replies

KellyGarrett · 12/08/2010 10:36

My 81 year old MIL wants to take the kids out on drives to see the kids in her car.

She has not been an accident or anything but at 81 her reactions are slow and she is not as sharp as she used to be.

My husband is not supporting my views and I am feeling kind of frustrated here. I does not seem right to me for someone this old to be responsible for keeping my babies safe in a moving vehicle.

Very interested to hear the views of others on this.

OP posts:
tyler80 · 12/08/2010 13:10

I'm of the opinion that people who are only safe on roads they know or not on the motorway shouldn't be driving at all. If you don't have the skills to deal with the unfamiliar (in a driving context) then I don't see how you have the skills to deal with the unexpected and it's the unexpected things that cause accidents.

LucyLouLou · 12/08/2010 13:10

All you people saying it's just her age that the OP is referring to can't have read the relatively short post properly. The OP says very clearly that the MIL's reactions are slow and she isn't as sharp.

OP, YANBU. I would be very skittish about her taking the DCs if they were mine. Trust your judgment here.

LucyLouLou · 12/08/2010 13:11

I totally agree with tyler80, great way of putting it.

IsItMeOr · 12/08/2010 13:56

ladysybil - you're right, there was an element of ageism in my comments. Although I still think the majority of 81 year olds would struggle to keep up with multiple young children by themselves.

tyler80 - I also agree with your comments. DSIL, who was only able to drive locally, slowly, with slow reactions, gave up driving after being prosecuted by the police for hitting a man with his guide dog who stepped out in front of her. Nobody (or dog) was hurt thankfully. Still horrible all around, and it was possibly disablism that meant she was prosecuted at all, but I think supports your point.

Original poster
KellyGarrett · 12/08/2010 13:59

Hi there, on my lunch break now.

Some people are saying things like "have you been out with her driving etc." . The problem is for me:

  • I can not see her responding in an emergency situation
  • I am not two screaming toddlers
  • How she drove 6 months ago may not be the same as what she is like now or in 6 months time. I can't really demand her to make a full driving test each time.

Also my experience with other oldies in my family driving is that they will not stop driving until they have a collision or near-collision.

I don't want my kids to be with her when that day comes.

Thanks for all the help on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyGarrett · 12/08/2010 14:02

Yeah just saw Tyler80's comments too and agree with this.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 12/08/2010 14:06

So your decision is based on what you think she's like, not on what you've actually seen? That seems rather unfair to me. Why not be frank and ask her if she thinks she's safe?

moonstorm · 12/08/2010 14:11

Because she will always think she's safe? Who thinks they are not a good driver? Smile

Lulumaam · 12/08/2010 14:12

my gut feeling is that an 81 year old may not be the safest driver. having said that, i would not be keen on my children going in the car with a newly passed 17 year old driver.

if she is slow and not as sharp as she used to be and has the added distraction of two unpredictable children in the car, it could make for a bad time.

i am sure some 81 year olds are great , safe drivers, but am sure plenty are not... it is naive to expect them to be as sharp , focused and quick as someone half their age. they've also had decades to have really bad driving habits ingrained.

YANBU .

ChippingIn · 12/08/2010 14:15

Kelly - they are your kids and it's up to you what you decide. However, you did ask....

I find some of the comments that have been made ageist and thus disgraceful.

My Aunt is 81 this year. She drives brilliantly. She is well able to look after and control her 3 grandchildren (6,4,2). Being a certain age doesn't render you useless.

Some 80 year olds shouldn't be driving - however, you can say that about any age group!

Tyler80 - I also diagree with you. Around town and motorway driving are very different. You can be a perfectly safe driver and still prefer not to drive on a motorway. There have been many threads on this in the past and you will find men & women of all ages who avoid motorways.

[I'm not one of them btw]

Kelly - what's the point in asking AIBU, if you aren't even considering that you could be being unreasonable. You might as well put it in chat and say you are pissed off with your DH because he doesn't agree with you?!

HotSprocket · 12/08/2010 14:16

I don't think i would be happy with it. Especially if you have a reason to doubt her driving.

msboogie · 12/08/2010 14:19

how old are your kids? if I were you and I had genuine concerns about the quality of her driving I would make something up about how the older one had entered a terrible phase of getting out of their car seat and freeing the second one and how it really needs two adults in the car to keep them under control (or something) so please not to drive them around without you being there...

thesecondcoming · 12/08/2010 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tokyonambu · 12/08/2010 14:33

the other point the op doesn't mention is the car. leaving aside the issue of moral responsibility to others if she is actually unsafe, an accident in a modern car is both less likely (abs) and less dangerous (belts, bags, bars) than even a car of ten years ago. a parents' treasured old car, on ancient tyres, is a factor. just bought a yaris? top. still driving the mk 2 escort? walk away.

old drivers are mostly safer because they drive low mileages at low speeds. compared to younger drivers in the same regime, or even just over the same mileage, not so good.

DetectivePotato · 12/08/2010 16:08

I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either. Especially if they were making loads of noise etc.

My MIL mentioned something before about her and FIL taking DS. She doesn't drive but FIL does and has parkinsons. I'm not comfortable with it and luckily neither is DH so if they mention it again, he is on my side about it.

TakeLovingChances · 12/08/2010 16:10

If your instinct says no then don't do it. Not worth the risk, IMO.

ppeatfruit · 12/08/2010 16:15

IMO you are NBU 'cos how many 81yr olds have strokes, heart attacks etc.? More than 40yr olds IMO. But also boy racers are dangerous as are drivers on mobile phones so YABU as well!!

dixiechick1975 · 12/08/2010 16:17

Car seats - can she lift both into their seat and do and undo the staps.

My friend found out from her DD that her MIL was telling her to hold the straps - fortunately no harm came to her DD.

Ilythia · 12/08/2010 16:21

I don't think the age is important, I woudl be happy for my 61 yr old mother, 73 year odl FIL and even 92 year old grandfather to drive my children as I know them, and know what sort of drivers they are.
I would not let my sister drive my children however, as she is a terribly nervous and dangerous driver, or my BIL as he is a cocky driver who overestimates his ability.
If you are not happy about it, you say no.

Danthe4th · 12/08/2010 16:26

My mum is 79 and my older children will go in the car with her but when they were younger she couldn't do the seat belts up properly on the child car seats. Now they are ok in proper seats then I'm happy.
I don't think my mum would cope if there was an emergency though, she doesn't have a mobile, but my children do so they can contact me.
I wouldn't be relaxed if I was in your position YANBU but if your dh is happy then perhaps YABU.

pigletmania · 12/08/2010 16:44

Just because she is 81 does not automatically mean that every 81 year olds reactions will be slow. Some are probably much better drivers than the younger people, do you know her driving is not up to parr, have you heard from relatives that her reactions are a bit slow. Of course its your dc and if you dont feel happy about your MIL driving than dont have them in the car with her whilst she is driving. Please dont be unessarily agist, not all those past 65 are useless and over the hill .

StudiousSal · 12/08/2010 17:08

I would have to say that I would not be happy to have an 81 year old driving my DC around, I must admit that I work in the elderly sector, and whilst most of them are very independant, I know how many suffer from knee, hip, & joint problems, which cause pain whilst even walking let alone driving.

I am not being ageist I would like to point out, just honest when it comes to what I have seen, I know for one when I get to 75, I'm handing my licence in, as my mum did. Funny as she was in the same line of work as me, and she always said they should sit another test when their licence runs out, as not many would pass. I think she is right.

pigletmania · 12/08/2010 17:19

Well that may be so studiossal, my auntie who is 72 still drives, she is very fit and safe and often looks after and picks up her GC from daycare [they are in the US). She runs 5 miles a day, walks, swims, much fitter than someone 30 years younger, it all depends on the person you cannot generalise.

pigletmania · 12/08/2010 17:20

she is in such great shape for her age too.

pigletmania · 12/08/2010 17:21

My mum who is 74 and her sister is a different matter all together, though she does not drive, I would not feel happy about her looking after dd 3.5 at the moment as she would not be able to cope with a screaming tanturming dd.

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