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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overheard DH and his mother bitching about me....

75 replies

PosieParker · 12/08/2010 08:15

on the phone.

Just about to call my sister and I picked up the landline, DH on the other phone. I was about to put it down, as I am not interested in what Mrs Hampton down the road is having for tea!!, and MIL says 'You should stand your ground Son' with FIL saying 'they're taking the piss out of you....'. So I couldn't help but listen. MIL was tellng my DH that no man she knows does as much as him....I am a SAHM and do pretty much everything, but he is rather hands on. MIL also said she never interferes, she does by constantly agreeing with my DH and never ever helping out, there have been a couple of occasions when I have asked (as a last resort) for her to talk about his drinking, not coming home, coming in in the early hours. She even mentioned one of my FB updates (about an obscene phonecall) but not one about him coming in on a Tuesday night at 2am........

So AIBU to defriend her? and would you have listened? And finally AIBU to think I was right about this woman all along? (I have always known that she didn't like me and DH was completely oblivious.)

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 12/08/2010 08:17

if this is just about having her as a friend on facebook then, yes, I would defriend her or limit what she sees on your facebook if it's bothering you.

However there seems to be more issues, i.e the fact that your DH doesn't stand up for you and bitches to his mum.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/08/2010 08:20

Your DH was bitching about you/not defending you and you're botherd about your MIL? My house would errupt if this happend, I'd feel the trust broken between me and DH.

TBH i think your MIL is the least of your problems and that you may be using her to vent your frustrations and anger as an easy/acceptable target when the real problem is your DH.

She does sound toxic though. YANBU

LoveMyGirls · 12/08/2010 08:20

On the one hand I can't honestly put my hand on heart and say I've never had a moan about my DH and is fantastic so I can see that side and his mum is always going to say yes dear and agree with whatever he says. On the other hand it's very hurtful to hear all those things and totally unfair.

I think I would tell DH that I'd overheard and that I was upset, hopefully he would apologise and give me some reassurance that he was just sounding off and that he appreciates me really.

oftenpurple · 12/08/2010 08:21

From your OP, it doesn't sound like DH said anything and that it was MIL and FIL doing the talking. My mother says all kind of random things down the phone and in person that my DH would be offended by but she doesn't really mean.

Original poster

PosieParker · 12/08/2010 08:23

Well DH and I have had serious ishoos. When I had DC4 my DM arrived from China to care for the three at home so that DH could visit and be there for the section. However my DM had jetlag and DH thought he was having a week off and so the first two mornings he let my DM get up with the dcs. His mother thinks my DM has no right to be angry....

bum......dcs are all in need, I will return later.

OP posts:

edam · 12/08/2010 08:32

Your MIL is a cow but the problem is dh and his drinking and stopping out.

Not clear from your OP whether dh was just doing 'yes Mum' stuff or having a real whinge (and tbh which of us can say that we never moan about our partners to our parents?).

Alouiseg · 12/08/2010 08:39

I wonder if your dh was discussing some of your "ishoos" with his parents, which he is perfectly entitled to do. They obviously see things from his pov, a parents natural default setting?

You are a sahm and do everything, which does tend to be par for the course with a sahm? You also say he is rather hands on -which is marvellous, but he obviously feels put upon about something.

His drinking, staying out, coming home late is obviously a source of annoyance to you and not something that can be sorted out by "telling on him" to his parents.

By all means defriend your mil from fb, but recognise that the problems are between you and your dh.

Tbh you both sound horribly unaware of each others needs in your relationship which needs looking at objectively. Ils are not the people for that but he wasn't being unreasonable discussing it with them.

I would have listened in had I have picked up the phone but that isn't really the issue here.

Alouiseg · 12/08/2010 08:41

Disclaimer: I've just read that post back and I sound very much on his side.........I'm not! Just trying to look at it from a different perspective.

SeaTrek · 12/08/2010 08:44

First of all - I would not defriend her but I would make all my status updates so that she cannot see them. If you haven't already, I would set everything to 'friends only' and then, when you next go to add a status update, click on the little lock underneath and select customise, add her name to the 'hide from' list and save it as your default setting.

I would look on all of this (well try to) as useful information. I don't think you have much to gain, at all, from letting your DH know that you overheard the conversation or letting your MIL know in anyway.

Original poster

PosieParker · 12/08/2010 08:57

I only discussed things with MIL as a last resort, she kept saying I could talk to her anytime (obviously it's just something to say) and so when she phoned one day I blurted out that DH was frequently coming in very late (my youngest is 21 monsth and oldest 8) when I was either pg or dealing with a baby and he would be really pissed demanding to hold the baby....

She's never ,mentioned this to DH, none of it. Yesterday he called her because I has asked him to get homw from work asap and he took an extra 45 minutes. I had said that I needed to him home so that I could give my dm a lift somewhere, she is over and helping me out BIG TIME. So with no money and no way of returning the favour I saw an opportunity to help her by giving her a lift, DH didn't help at all and my DM was then really annoyed. She is paying for our holiday this year too.

His MIL also mentioned that DH is ill, he has a slight cold, and that I should have picked him up from work (at least 40 minutes in rush hour traffic) and/or taken my DM and the DCS to the Mall.....wtf? Why would anyone think 4 children should be stuck in a car clogging up the roads in rushhour instead of a grown man getting a bus?

OP posts:

TakeLovingChances · 12/08/2010 09:06

You update your FB to say things about obscene phonecalls and DH coming home late?

No harm to you, and I do feel for your situation, but.... FB ain't no good! Defriend MIL if you want, but it won't make a pick of difference. You're (rightfully) irked at MIL slagging you off to DH on the phone. On the other hand you're updating your FB, which scores of people can see, to moan about how your DH behaves.

Maybe I'm wide off the mark, but that's what you're OP seems like to me.

SpiderObsession · 12/08/2010 09:08

Are you my sil?

Your MIL has her rose tinted specs on and does not see the problems your DH has. It does sound like she's undermining you. BUT I do think before you address that situation you need to talk to DH about your concerns with alcohol and not coming home. Try not to be accusing but ask why he wants to stay out and should the two of you arrange a good night out together instead.

If he's very defensive you may need to get a third party eg counsellor to help.

Also, I agree with SeaTrek you don't have to defriend MIL as she will know about this but you can block her from seeing certain things on your fb.

Original poster

PosieParker · 12/08/2010 09:10

I updated about the call(ish) because the person who phoned knew my name and number and I was sure it was someone being a knob, the coming in late was because I was very annoyed. I never usually use it to slag off my DH....in fact that's the only time/.

OP posts:

Alouiseg · 12/08/2010 09:47

The phone call sounds a bit odd? Is there more to this than meets the eye?

Onetoomanycornettos · 12/08/2010 09:47

I wouldn't think too much of this myself, if you can't have a quick moan to your parents (who are blinkered and think you are saintly), who can you moan to? I would hate my husband to hear me moaning to my mum on the odd occasion, and she would be agreeing with every word, but that doesn't mean I don't value him or she doesn't like him, surely this is just normal parent/child talk. I'm sure my MIL says all kinds of things behind my back, but she's nice to my face and treats the children nicely, that'll do me.

There are people who expect their DH to never talk about them in less than admirable tones and never say a word against them themselves, but surely most people vent sometimes. And if you think your in-laws adore you and never think negatively of you, you are rather naive. Do you never think or say bad things about them?

Everyone has a bitch sometimes, it was a shame you over-heard it. I'd chalk it up to experience.

FellatioNelson · 12/08/2010 13:58

What Alouiseg said. All of it.

clouddragon · 12/08/2010 14:09

well I would be annoyed, but I regularly have a moan to my mum about DH.

Deffo wouldnt have MIL as facebook friend. (facebook is evil though imo)

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/08/2010 14:16

Bollocks to the facebook shite. Nothing good ever comes of it.

Agree that your MIL was just having a nice old rant and moan. She is your DH's mother, of course she will agree with him.

Your real problem is your DH's attitude, with the drinking, coming in late, being a bit of a selfish arse.

diddl · 12/08/2010 14:43

Well if he feels put upon, that might explain why he stays out late?

TBH, if you moan about him on FB, I´m not surprised she doesn´t like you/has an issue with you.

It is imo, blöödy childish & disrespectful.

Also, I assume he´s in a job where he can leave straight away & chose not to?

Did the extra 45 mins mean that your mother couldn´t do what she wanted to?

It seems to me that there are too many people being told the ins & outs & both of you should stop involving others!

Miggsie · 12/08/2010 14:50

If your DH has a mother who never disagrees with him and thinks the sun shines out of his arse and thinks women should never contradict their man then naturally he will talk to her as he knows he won't get any criticism and will be told it isn't his fault and he feels better and never has to acknowledge he ever does anything wrong or consider anyone else's feeling than his own.

Your DH appears to be stuck emotionally at 10 years old, his mother is deluded; and posting on facebook is a good way to piss off almost everyone you know, if you keep on at it.

Original poster

PosieParker · 12/08/2010 16:22

Miggsie... in a nutshell.

I just can't help myself, I come on here thinking I'm going to be nice and pleasant and say nothing to piss people off and in a heartbeat I'm involved saying shitty things...

His mother has always had an issue with me because I stop DH winding down in the pub after his busy week....we have four children, I'm hardly stuck at home glued to a sofa. My DH loves cooking and so he cooks three times a week, I cook and clear, clean, look after dcs usual stuff really. DH helps with bath and bedtime, DH is never doing stuff whilst I sit down and relax, I'm doing stuff too. His father never lifts a finger and that's what they think DH should do.

I do struggle with over sharing and can't stop.

OP posts:

diddl · 12/08/2010 17:27

If your husband is just paying lip service to his mum I might let it go.

But if not, that needs addressing.

Actually, I´ve just noticed that you´ve asked her to talk to him about things he has done.
No wonder she thinks that she has got carte blanche to do/say as she likes!

onebatmother · 12/08/2010 17:37

But you're complaining to your MIL about him, a bit - aren't you? Or have I wrong end of stick?

DH does sound a bit of an erse. But the point is, he's not listening to YOU - you've said you don't like the drinking and staying out late (presumably) and he continues to do it, quite frequently.

MIL bit sounds like a bit of a red herring.

PinkyMe · 12/08/2010 21:23

I bitch about my inlaws and I know they bitch about me. I probably shouldn't but my sisters and I all moan about our DHs to each other (never nasty though). If he overheard any of these conversations he could be hurt, but I'm sure he does the same. Sometimes you just need a moan to make you feel better.
However there's a diff between moaning and being nasty. Was your DH being nasty or was he saying stuff you could easily have said to your mum about him.
Bit daft to do it while you're in the house though.
I would def defriend or block MIL and be very careful what you discuss with her in the future.
My DH defriended his mum because she spent all her time stalking our fb pages. I'm still trying to pluck up the courage to do it as well.

quaere · 12/08/2010 21:31

Don't expect your in-laws to be on your side - ever. He is their baby and you are the woman who will never be good enough. facebook = work of devil.

Agree he sounds annoying, but not too bad, he does do a bit of stuff and you are a SAHM, so you are obviously going to be doing the majority of domestic stuff.

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