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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard DH and his mother bitching about me....

75 replies

PosieParker · 12/08/2010 08:15

on the phone.

Just about to call my sister and I picked up the landline, DH on the other phone. I was about to put it down, as I am not interested in what Mrs Hampton down the road is having for tea!!, and MIL says 'You should stand your ground Son' with FIL saying 'they're taking the piss out of you....'. So I couldn't help but listen. MIL was tellng my DH that no man she knows does as much as him....I am a SAHM and do pretty much everything, but he is rather hands on. MIL also said she never interferes, she does by constantly agreeing with my DH and never ever helping out, there have been a couple of occasions when I have asked (as a last resort) for her to talk about his drinking, not coming home, coming in in the early hours. She even mentioned one of my FB updates (about an obscene phonecall) but not one about him coming in on a Tuesday night at 2am........

So AIBU to defriend her? and would you have listened? And finally AIBU to think I was right about this woman all along? (I have always known that she didn't like me and DH was completely oblivious.)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/08/2010 21:33

what goes around comes around given you bellyache about him on fb and bitch about in-laws.you all deserve each other all that she said/i said oi shut it

Original poster
PosieParker · 13/08/2010 13:40

Well, it's got worse and very childish. I updated facebook status with a thanks to my Mother for all the help since she arrived and Dh's mother phoned him at work to moan about it...he didn't tell me....she then posted about a friend of hers that is just the sort of woman you would want for a DIL or DD.

I have now decided after a long battle with my Ils, I have always suspected that they shit stirred with my DH, that they are no longer part of my life. FRom the beginning they've been rude to both myself and my parents, praised my DH's ex, never said a word to my DH about the way he speaks to me and have gone as far as to ask me just to ignore him as it's only words, even had a go at me and called me a liar about meeting their fucking dog when I was pg and refused to allow a dog in my house (due to terrible nose thingy in pg) blah blah blah blah,.,,,....

Bizarrely I do talk to my DM about stuff but she is rather balanced. If a friend moans about her DH I sympathise, listen and present his viewpoint, not just join in on her side making things worse.

scottishmummy, I think, given you dislike me, that you should stay away from threads about me and my life.

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 13/08/2010 13:52

Posie, would it not be worth a shot at confronting your MIL before cutting her out? I'm not saying I don't support your standpoint, but surely that should be a last resort?

You have every right to thank your mother and it does sound like MIL is simply jealous and throwing her toys out of the pram. That said, I think the whole Facebook tit for tat thing is a bit childish all round and I don't think you're helping your case by engaging in it. I know it's hard to just ignore bad behaviour from the ILs, but I really would when it comes to online BS.

I'm a bit confused by scottishmummy's post....not quite sure who is being told to "oi shut it" tbh Hmm.

diddl · 13/08/2010 13:52

Oh FFS!

It´s possible to send messages privately to people on FB.

Sounds as if you deliberately invite trouble & then moan about it tbh.

"never said a word to my DH about the way he speaks to me"-would you really expect them to?

Alouiseg · 13/08/2010 13:59

I'm afraid that it's all just symptoms of a deeper malaise, why not address the underlying issues and stop playing games on fb, children use fb in a more appropriate way than adults. Hmm

MorrisZapp · 13/08/2010 14:00

Blimey. It seems pretty odd to me to take against your ILs for not hassling your DH to be nicer to you.

Is that their job?

Sounds to me like you have huge ishoos with your DH, and expect others to take the flak rather then sort the problems out at source.

All this FB stuff just sounds teenaged and pathetic, on both sides I daresay.

proudnsad · 13/08/2010 14:11

Agree. FB conversations/aggro is very playground.

diddl · 13/08/2010 14:22

ILs can, imo only "shit stir" if allowed to.

Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 14:32

Ever heard the expression 'eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves'? This would be why....

elmofan · 13/08/2010 14:33

I agree with diddl here - you have openly invited your MIL into your relationship by involving her .

Original poster
PosieParker · 13/08/2010 15:08

I know you're all right, it's rather childish and pathetic and I am to blame, partly. The bit about MIL and my DH is that he told me to 'shut up' and called me a 'fucking idiot' in front of his parents, when I retaliated in a 'don't speak to me like that' with a quiet voice and gritted teeth his mother hushed me and told me to ignore it, it's only words...

I guess it's all by the by and the deeper more pressing issues are those I have with my DH, I hate his parents because they represent everything I hate about my DH....

The older I get the more I ask myself why I am with him....but that's so many other threads!!!

Thanks for posting even if you only told me to grow upWink.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 15:12

If you hate your DH there's a socially acceptable way to rid yourself of him and, by extension, your in-laws.... it's called 'divorce'. Not to be done lightly, of course, and has more than a few pitfalls but can also be a fresh start, a new lease of life.

Moaning achieves nothing. Actions make things happen.

bumpsnowjustplump · 13/08/2010 15:37

Posie I have just looked at your profile and any man that would sooner be at the pub and not with those beautiful children is a nut job quiet frankly.

I expect dp to show me more respect than talking about me to MIL in such a nasty way. If MIL ever said anything nasty about me I would expect him to stick up for me and argue my case..

With four children why the hell should he not help out at home? This is after all 2010 not 1810......

However I do agree that the silly comments (bar the one about your mum) need to stop.. Just hide her on fb so that you dont see all her vile comments.. and dont make any more digs yourself.

I think you need to talk to dp about how you are feeling though before you are both wrapped in hate for each other...

Good luck... ignore the mil...

diddl · 13/08/2010 15:45

Does he regularly tell you to shut up & call you a fucking idiot?

The fact that he does it all is disgusting, but that he thinks so little of it that he does it in front of other people even worse.

If he´s always doing it, perhaps that´s why ILs say nothing?

proudnsad · 13/08/2010 15:52

Ooh go easy on Posie, Chil! And divorce ain't exactly a decision to be taken lightly. Are you saying better to divorce than have a moan!?!?!

Are your ILs abusive as well Posie?

I really would knock the FB shite on the head though, it's just playing into their childish hands. FB is a big cauldron of insania, esp when it comes to toxic inlaws.

Chil1234 · 13/08/2010 15:57

I'm saying it's better to divorce than to stick around some dead-beat, pub-preferring bloke who dishes out verbal abuse and is backed up by his mother.... They call it 'irreconcilable differences', I think. We only get one shot at life so why waste time? Divorce is not the end of the world. There are a hundred other lives posieparker could be living that are much better than the one she's saddled with.

MorrisZapp · 13/08/2010 16:00

Aye, it's a bit much to be talking about 'toxic inlaws' when the DH calls his wife a fucking idiot in public.

This all started when the OP 'bitched' about her DH to her MIL.

thesecondcoming · 13/08/2010 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

proudnsad · 13/08/2010 16:39

What do you mean 'it's a bit much to be talking about toxic inlaws when the DH calls his wife a fucking idiot in public?'

DH and in laws seem pretty fucking toxic to me.

And we've all agreed the FB shennanigans from Posie and the whole motley in law crew is just making a dysfunctional sitch worse.

I'm not sure what your point is.

diddl · 13/08/2010 16:43

"I'm a bit confused by scottishmummy's post....not quite sure who is being told to "oi shut it" tbh hmm."

Well the way I read it, no one is being told to shut up, SM is just expressing how they are all as bad as each other.

DameGladys · 13/08/2010 16:44

Did you decide he's not a serial shagger?

Or was that someone else - apols if so.

MorrisZapp · 13/08/2010 16:46

My point is that OP has a major problem ie the way her DH treats her, and that her inlaws are a side issue if that.

Calling them toxic for not taking her side over their son's in FB bitching is way off, imo.

OP needs to grasp the difficult problem, not create diversionary new ones.

My parents must be toxic inlaws too - if I rang them up to have moan about my DP they'd listen and make supportive noises of understanding and agreement. What are they supposed to do - say 'HOW DARE YOU say those nasty things about your DP' and slam the phone down or something?

As an aside, I'd never ever moan about my DP to my parents - united front at all times. I phone my friends to moan about him, much better that way.

RunawayWife · 13/08/2010 16:48

defriend her on facebook, block her and then do the same in real life

SugarMousePink · 13/08/2010 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

proudnsad · 13/08/2010 16:55

Oh FGS Morris that's not what I meant.
I don't give a poo about all the ins and outs of it all on Facebook. I meant it's a quagmire of dysfunctionality. You seem to be wilfully misinterpreting what I said. I didn't say for one minute she should not be concentrating on what's the real problem here.