Humph why can't she just accept that I've said no?

[AlegnaDnalyel]

Argh, my mother is driving me crazy.

First off I want to say that I'm very grateful for all the help she gives me both in childcare and financial. My mum helps me out a lot with the kids, will babysit at the drop of a hat, buys them toys and clothes all the time. All of which I'm very grateful for.

Her OH who she's been with for 14 years is a nice enough (if not slightly annoying) bloke. However since having dd1 7 years ago, there's something about him that makes me very uncomfortable when it comes to my dds. I can't put my finger on it really, it's a feeling I get. Sometimes I don't like the way he looks at them or touches them. Suffice to say I keep a close eye on them when he's around. Obviously I can't voice any of this to my mum as he hasn't actually done anything wrong.

I do have a bit of a trust issue with men (I have my reasons) and I'm wary of who I will leave my dds with. Only males they've ever been left with are DH (obviously) and my dad. I'm not weird about them being around other men am very relaxed about it but I do trust what my instincts are telling me a lot.

So anyway my mum has always gone on about having my dds to stay the night. I have always told her I'm not comfortable with them staying when her OH is there. Haven't said it's because of anything her OH has done, but more about my history. Which she reluctantly accepts. I have let my dds stay with her when her OH has been on holiday.

She has just gotten a new bed for her spare room and started pestering me to have them stay over again. We had another talk this morning and she said she understands and would stop asking.

So today she had me dds for the day, made cakes and pizzas with them and took them the park. Her OH was there towards the end of the day when he came home from work, but I wasn't worried as my sister was also there and knows how I feel and keeps a close eye on things.

So this afternoon I get a text from a friend asking if I fancy a night out next Friday. Check with DH and he's on a works night out on that night. So I text my mum to ask if she'll mind babysitting. Yes, no problem she says. So I text my friend back saying yes I can go out.

I then text my mum back, clarifying the date and asking if she's ok with it as it might be a late one. She then texts me back and says well I can just have the dds stay in mine then. Why say this when only this morning we had a big talk about it and she knows how I feel. Obviously she doesn't take me seriously. I then text her back and said that it's all right I won't go.

When she dropped my dds off later on she said fine I'll just stay in your's late. But I know she'll keep bringing it up about them staying over. And then when I'm out she'll be texting me all night asking when I'll be home and this wouldn't be a problem if they stayed in hers.

Argh! So I just phoned my sister and asked if she'll babysit instead, (she will). I know my mum will see her arse now, but jeez I've gone on so much about how uncomfortable I am with it. Do you think IABU? Am I overreacting? Sorry about the epic post.

You're doing the right thing - trust your instinct. But unfortunately because there's nothing to actually incriminate him it won't seem reasonable to your mum, and as he's her partner she's not going to be very understanding about it. You just have to carry on as you are I think and keep repeating what you will and won't agree to.

I agree, trust your instincts. Yes, you might be overreacting, but what if you're not.

No you're not, I'm in a similar situation with my mother and her husband - I won't leave my ds's with her when he's there - it's difficult because I don't want to upset anyone but I cannot ignore my instinct with this man.

Although she says she understands I don't think she really does and to be honest it is probably impossible for her to do so as she loves and has chosen to share her life with this man.

I think you should listen to your instincts and do not allow anything that you are not comfortable with but also be a little more patient with your mum, annoying as it sounds.

I agree with Marine. Sometimes you just get feelings about people and when it comes to your DCs, you really do have to trust your instincts. It doesn't always seem logical to other people, but then it doesn't have to, your responsibility is not to them, it's to the DCs. The likelihood is that your mum, if she hasn't accepted your answer definitively already, will keep asking or dropping hints. Unless you want to make a bigger deal out of it and get into an argument, I don't really see that you can do anything else other than repeating what you've said when it comes up.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. Consider the alternative. If you happened to be right about this man, how would you ever be able to forgive yourself if something did happen? You simply can't compromise on this further than you already have.

You sound like a very caring mum, and your sister sounds lovely too.

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable or overreacting at all: we have instincts for a good reason.

And, FWIW, I don't think your mum has any reason to be miffed: you've explained your reasons clearly enough and whilst she has said she will stop asking, she has instead gone one further and resorted to being manipulative.

You stick to your guns and have a good night out while you sister takes care of your kids!

It does not matter whether you are being oversensitive to this bloke or not. The only thing that matters is that you have decided your DDs will not stay overnight at your mother's and she AGREED. But despite having agreed, she continues to try to wear you down/ change your mind. You don't need the stress, and she is being pretty unreasonable.

They are your children and you can set your own rules about where they go, with whom and when.

If you don't want them to stay there when your mum's oh is there then that is entirely up to you.
Don't feel bad about it - you are not comfortable with the situation and that's the end of it.

As others have said stick to your guns and leave the children with your sister.
And do enjoy your night out too.

Trust your instincts. YANBU to be hacked off that mum seemed to understand but still pushes it.

You are doing the right thing. If you have a bad feeling about something, even if the situation isn't bad, your feelings about your children must come first. Trust me.

I applaud you.

do what you want but you do sound a bit paranoid, as do some other posters here.
are you actually suggesting you think the man is a paedophile but just hasn't had the opportunity to act with your kids, because you have a watchful eye on him? that is a very serious "instinct."

Sorry you sound utterly paranoid, your mother sounds lovely, you have no reason at all not to trust her DH, or trust that she is there and will protect your DD's.
You also sound a tad spoilt, you are happy to take advantage of all her help and childcare, but at your convenience and putting her out, because you are paranoid.

Trust your instincts, better to be wrong and careful than right and carefree. Can't you check him out though? I thought the gov. were rolling out a new scheme.

I feel sorry for your mom, shes in a shitty situation, i expect she must feel a bit used, hurt and frustrated I'd imagine

Have you had help for this as you do sound VERY paranoid. Be careful not to pass these unnessasary fears on to your daughters.

AD - it's a tough one. Sometimes traumatic past events can make you feel a fear that is hard to explain and impossible to ignore.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but have you dealt with these issues? Therapy maybe? I only ask because the freedom that comes with closure and release can not be underestimated.

Your children could be being protected from this man or they could be missing out on the wonderful experience of staying over at grandparents and creating lasting happy memories.

I'm with BabyDubs
What an awful situation for your Mum...

Basically you are saying to her that

a - her partner of 14 years is esentially violent or abusive, even though he has never shown himself to be, so she is livuing with a violent and abusive man

b - she is incapable of protecting your children from this, so far hidden, constant threat from her life partner.

There is no indication that she plans on leaving your children alone with her DP - she is looking to have them over, to do YOU a favour, so YOU can go out and have a long lie, and you won't let her because of something you think her DP might be inclined to do, that your mum is not only unaware of but would be completely incapable of stopping.

You only let her look after them at your house

You only let her look after them at her house if he is on holiday

And all this is based on absolutely nothing other than your instincts...instincts CAN be a great thing to base your childcare on - we are very primal creatures esp when it comes to childcare, but your instincts aren't "pure" - they are tainted by whatever experience you have had in the past that has caused you to distrust all men other than your DH and DF. So IMHO the value of "instinctive feeling" goes out of the window when its tainted by, frankly, unreasonableness. Not all men, other than 2, in the world are untrustworthy and about to do damage to your DDs. That is an unreasonable foundation for your instinctive feelings to be built on.

Your Mum sounds like a saint, she is essentially putting up with your paranoia and your "issues", whilst not only helping you out with childcare but also helping you out financially. She is clearly trying to get you to take tiny steps towards trusing her and her DP, but continaully getting this slammed back in her face..

If you are so paranoid about who babysits your children, or who might be tere whilst your mother babysits your children, then don't go for nights out when your Dh is also out and look after them yourself. And speak to someone professional about your trust issues and to get over whatever has lead to them.

YANBU to put the welfare of your children first but I do feel sorry for your mum. It's an impossible situation, I suppose.

Can you not make a compromise? Say next time you are invited to go out on a late one, can grandma stay at yours with the girls (you stay at your friend's) without DH? She probably wants to do the stuff that she used to with you like bathtime, stories, tucking up in bed. Let her know that it's because of your issues and not because you don't trust her. I agree with BabyDubs; she probably is feeling a little used.

Also, I don't wish to add to your paranoia but if you are concerned about your mum's OH being dodgy but you say that she babysits for them at other times, nightime isn't the only time that OH might be dodgy IYSWIM.

TBH I think your Mum is in a really tough situation. You are implying that her OH is secretly a paedophile. This is not something that should be implied or suggested lightly and it sounds like you are allowing your personal issues/history stop you from making rational decisions about your kids.

Unless you have something specific to accuse this man of, I think you're being paranoid and rather unfair.

Obviously they're your kids and you can do what you you want, but I can see why your Mum would really not understand what the issue is.

You do say however that you don't like the way he looks at them or touches them. what do you mean? Has he actually touched them inappropriately? Or are you seeing the worst case scenario in a completely innocent encounter?

If there is actually nothing inappropriate in anything he has done, it could very well be unhelpful to your kids to be passing on this kind of paranoia.

Very sorry for whatever you have been through though.

D

Your poor mum Sorry, I can see you are worried but you surely you can see her POV.

If you hadn't asked your mum to babysit till late on a friday night she wouldn't have offered to have them stay over.

If you're uncomfortable with her partner and don't want the children to sleep over then in future look for someone else to facilitate a night out for you.

It must be exhausting spending so much time stressing about the children every time they are there, particularly when your mum helps you out so often.
I don't think this is fair on your mum who obviously loves the children and you very much.

Do you have any grounds to be suspicious of her long term partner?

There seems to be an awful lot about you, your issues, your instinct, your mum etc etc in this posting.

Does your DH get a look-in? Is he allowed to have views too? Does his side of the family babysit; they don't get mentioned at all.

YANBU - instincts are there for a reason. You just have to accept that your mum does not share your instincts and so this will always be a battle for you.

I don't think you're being unreasonable about keeping a close eye and trusting your instinct, but I think you're being a little BU towards your Mum, as she doesn't know all your reasoning behind it and she's just trying to be a good Grandma and help you out. I can also see that you wouldn't want to tell your Mum you're worried about her OH as he hasn't actually done anything...so have no helpful suggestions I afraid! Sorry!

you've known this man for 14 years- did he seem weird before that? Don't you know any members of his family? What are his friends like?

I wouldn't want you to start distrusting your instincts because in my experience they are often correct, but I know when I had kids my paranoia-ometer went through the roof, its natural, we want to be able to protect them from everything, but it's exhausting!

It's so hard to tell what is a real and what is a perceived danger. What do your dp and sister think?

"Unless you have something specific to accuse this man of, I think you're being paranoid and rather unfair."

I don't agree with this statement - if OP had something specific to accuse this man of, that would mean her child would already have been abused by him. Chances are there is nothing to worry about, then again men who abuse children can be highly manipulative, cunning and deceptive individuals.

PLEASE TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is the worst that could happen? Your Mum & partner being a little upset/confused/inconvenienced, or you child being abused?

(FWIW my mother unknowingly had a relationship with a paedophile. He lived in our house. I instinctively disliked/hated him on sight. I was 13 & I just knew that he was an evil fucker. My Mum had not an inkling. My instincts were correct though at the time everyone told me I was a mad selfish bitch. He didn't abuse my Mum's kids but he did use my brother to gain access to his friends in the neighbourhood and he did abuse them (he was later convicted). This man was a teacher & a scout leader!