Humph why can't she just accept that I've said no?

[AlegnaDnalyel]

Argh, my mother is driving me crazy.

First off I want to say that I'm very grateful for all the help she gives me both in childcare and financial. My mum helps me out a lot with the kids, will babysit at the drop of a hat, buys them toys and clothes all the time. All of which I'm very grateful for.

Her OH who she's been with for 14 years is a nice enough (if not slightly annoying) bloke. However since having dd1 7 years ago, there's something about him that makes me very uncomfortable when it comes to my dds. I can't put my finger on it really, it's a feeling I get. Sometimes I don't like the way he looks at them or touches them. Suffice to say I keep a close eye on them when he's around. Obviously I can't voice any of this to my mum as he hasn't actually done anything wrong.

I do have a bit of a trust issue with men (I have my reasons) and I'm wary of who I will leave my dds with. Only males they've ever been left with are DH (obviously) and my dad. I'm not weird about them being around other men am very relaxed about it but I do trust what my instincts are telling me a lot.

So anyway my mum has always gone on about having my dds to stay the night. I have always told her I'm not comfortable with them staying when her OH is there. Haven't said it's because of anything her OH has done, but more about my history. Which she reluctantly accepts. I have let my dds stay with her when her OH has been on holiday.

She has just gotten a new bed for her spare room and started pestering me to have them stay over again. We had another talk this morning and she said she understands and would stop asking.

So today she had me dds for the day, made cakes and pizzas with them and took them the park. Her OH was there towards the end of the day when he came home from work, but I wasn't worried as my sister was also there and knows how I feel and keeps a close eye on things.

So this afternoon I get a text from a friend asking if I fancy a night out next Friday. Check with DH and he's on a works night out on that night. So I text my mum to ask if she'll mind babysitting. Yes, no problem she says. So I text my friend back saying yes I can go out.

I then text my mum back, clarifying the date and asking if she's ok with it as it might be a late one. She then texts me back and says well I can just have the dds stay in mine then. Why say this when only this morning we had a big talk about it and she knows how I feel. Obviously she doesn't take me seriously. I then text her back and said that it's all right I won't go.

When she dropped my dds off later on she said fine I'll just stay in your's late. But I know she'll keep bringing it up about them staying over. And then when I'm out she'll be texting me all night asking when I'll be home and this wouldn't be a problem if they stayed in hers.

Argh! So I just phoned my sister and asked if she'll babysit instead, (she will). I know my mum will see her arse now, but jeez I've gone on so much about how uncomfortable I am with it. Do you think IABU? Am I overreacting? Sorry about the epic post.

I would go with your instincts every time.

Safe kids come before mums feelings imo.

Your op isn't clear on the rationale of your mistrust in this man. I am guessing it is something to do with you as a child/young teen.

and just to add EVERYONE else thought this guy was the bees knees. I was the only one who saw through him on no other level other than instinct. I did't know he was a paedo (I had no idea of such things) but I id'ed him as a misogynist immediately, and something about him made me very uneasy. This feeling never went away.

This went on for about 3 years - during this time EVERYONE told me I was out of order to dislike him/cause trouble (yes even the parents of one of the boys he went on to abuse) - it took a long time afterwards to relearn to respect and listen to my instincts.

I don't think you are being paranoid. You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do, and therefore not to have your DCs stay over

BUT

In that case, you should really do your own babysitting. You can't take advantage of your mother in this way as it must be very difficult for her indeed.

So if you want to stick with your instincts (which I think you should), then just stay in when DH is out, or find another babysitter

We should also remember that men who have a desire to behave inappropriately towards children are pretty common - a huge number of us have either experienced it or know someone who has, IME - and they usually do it through known relationships/work roles and not by jumping out on strangers. If you get a vibe from someone that they're like this, it is worth listening to.

FWIW I also know men - luckily atm not those who might have access to my DC - who give me the heebie jeebies in exactly this way. One is a work colleague who considers himself a friend but I wouldn't trust him with my DC - even though there is no evidence.

You have to trust your instincts.

When I was growing up I cottoned, in my teens, that there was something not quite right about my uncle and my normally honest as the day mum would make excuses -lies- to ensure I didn't go to see my uncle ever again. Tthis was a bit hard on my aunt, who was lovely, but I knew there was something "up" and my mum was keeping me away from my uncle.

Now he is dead and I'm an adult I know that: he was a nazi collaborator, a murderer, worked in concentration camps as a guard (so likely a mass murderer), a wife beater and abuser of his own son. My aunt had an abortion rather than bear him another child to abuse.

This only came out after he and my mother were dead. My mum never knew the full story, but she knew something was wrong.

So I vote for trusting your instincts as a mum

I think trusting your instincts is fine if you have no reason to think your instincts might be swayed by personal history that might prevent you from having a 'normal' instinctive reaction to something.

MoJo (and a whole load of other posters) in your situ I can see you would trust your instincts there as you have no reason to question them, but I think given the OP's past, she probably does need to question them or at least examine them a little more closely as they're not likely to be the same as people who do not have that kind of past experience.

I too would like to better understand what has prompted the OP's discomfort with this man in particular.

D

Trust your instincts, I strongly feel this way about my DH's brother who is extremely touchy feely in a highly inappropriate way eg touching my bum, boobs etc if I so much as walk past him and then claiming he is just playing. My DH last time decked him and told him that if he ever did that again he would not be welcome in our house. He also is into porn in a big way to the extent of even downloading hardcore porn on his phone. My DD will never be left alone with him on the basis of that. I dont believe he is a paedo at all but I hate the way he views women so on those grounds alone my DD ever staying over at theirs is certainly out. YANBU

I'm amazed at the number of posters advising you to disregard your instincts. I really do believe that they are rarely wrong about these sorts of things. You might need to pull back a bit on the amount of childcare you ask your mum to do though as it seems a bit unfair on her otherwise. I do feel sad for her

Well, in this case your mum surely suggested the overnight as it would make babysitting easier for her!

But tbh, if you feel this way about this man, then unless he is never there when your girls are, I don´t really get your point.

If he wants to do what you are thinking of-why would it only happen on an overnight?

You should be ensuring that he has no cotact at all with him.

I've read through the different opinions since my first comment and I'm sorry, but I simply do not believe you can back down on this. You allude to past trauma, and while it can be viewed that this could make you paranoid, it can also make you highly perceptive to these things and give you insights others who haven't been through bad experiences would not have. And like I and others have already said, if your instincts were right and you disregarded them anyway (to keep the peace or for convienience etc), the results....well....I don't need to tell you. I don't believe your mum really has many grounds for complaint either tbh. You allow your DCs to go to her house, she can see them at your house too. You're not withholding them from her anymore than you are taking advantage of her. For me, there is no issue there, and even if there was, your DCs still come first.

OP, please trust yourself here. Your loyality is to your DCs, no one else.

Miggsie- wow.

I completely agree with LucyLouLou.

I am very similar in that I will not leave my DD with anyone I don't feel completely comfortable with as I had some unfortunate stuff happen as a child too.

It must be hard for your mum but I find it quite surprising that she doesn't really seem to fully understand how you feel.

I also have to say that, if your suspeicions are so strong about this man, why haven't you expressed these to your Mum....essentially your Mum is living with someone you consider to be a likely peadophile and you are keeping that information from her....

Are your suspicions strong enough to actually do anything about it...?

Another one for 'trust your gut' but tempered with 'your gut might be wrong, so be as polite as possible'.

Honestly, go with your instincts. I just came back from staying at my mums with my two boys, and her partner was quite snappy with them, and I will probably not be a rush to invite them down to stay (they are rather joined at the hip) or go back up to visit.

I haven't mentioned this to my mum but communication hasn't been forthcoming since we went to stay. They were playfighting and being noisy and it was like they couldn't wait for us to leave!

It's not ideal and not easy for you or your mum, but as most posters have said, go with your gut.

I think it's very sad that you are all in this situation :(

It could be that you are paranoid after what has happened to you.

It could be that you are right.

I wouldn't take the risk.

It's unclear (to me at least) whether your DD's spend anytime at your Mums with her OH there without you or your sister. If you feel this way about them staying over, then hopefully you are being this careful in the daytime too.

Is it possible for your Mum to stay the night at your house sometimes?

Anyway, to answer the question you actually asked - (I think anyway!!) you have explained to your Mum that your girls will not be staying overnight while her OH is there, you have told her that it's because of what happened to you, she's said that she has accepted that, but really she hasn't, she is pushing and pushing.

If I were you I would go through it one more time, explain it will never happen (then staying at hers whilst he is there too) and that her going on about it will not help and it will just come between you, so to please stop it.

However, I do see why she would be upset about it, especially when you haven't really told her the truth... very sad :(

I feel sorry for your mother. You're telling her, really, that you suspect her partner.

OP, I'm another one in the Trust Your Instincts camp.

There are two ways of looking at this: you're paranoid because of your own experiences. Or, you've got 'Nonce-dar' (like gaydar, only more useful).

I've had difficult past experiences. And I've got nonce-dar. If you think you have too, use it ruthlessly to protect your children. I think a lot of people without such experiences have a kind of self-censorship about this kind of thing. It's just too uncomfortable to face.

Trust your instincts. As a 'survivor of abuse' (icky term), I prayed for someone to notice that the abuser was a bit 'off' and do something about it.
IF he is, IF (god forbid) he did abuse your or anyone elses dc's, they wouldn't be likely to speak up - prevention is the only way. Don't take the risk. If he's not - he should realise (or even have it gently pointed out to him) that he's not being given time with the kids, and adjust his behaviour to be more physically distant - I have several male relatives who are outstandingly good at this. It's not hard.

Right thank you everyone for answering, (have only read page 1 so far). I posted in AIBU as I wanted truthful answers. So thank you everyone for being truthful.

In answer to your questions. (Sorry I can't remember who posted what as there's so many, so will just answer the questions). You're right my mum is very caring and does seem to be between a rock and hard place in this situation. Right first of all my DH's family are not an option to babysit. MIL is very frail and currently in hospital after having her foot amputated. She has never been an option to babysit because of her ill health (both physical and mental). BIL has just done a moonlight flit after splitting with his wife, we haven't seen him since May and have no idea where he is. They're the only family DH has. Normally I would just ask DSD but she's just flew back from Greece after having to cut her holiday short because she was beat up> She has a broken arm and a black eye.

I don't trust my mum to protect my dds from her OH if he does anything untoward TBH. She never protected me and my sister from my uncle when we were little. She's very trusting and only sees what she wants to see.

MY DH, and my sister and DSD all agree with me when it comes to my mum's OH. They all think there is something "strange" about him.

He does have a weird way of touching my dds TBH. He will tickle them a lot (perfectly normal) but it's where he tickles them that I don't like. Tops of their legs, very lower backs (almost there bums), I have to step in when he does and will just say "Oh dd's tired not really in the mood to be tickled atm". My mum wouldn't do this. Also my dds don't really wear dresses a lot, (they're more tomboys) but when they do and he is there it's almost likes he comes alive. I've seem a physical change in him. For example, dd2 was asleep in her buggy one afternoon we were at my mum's. She was in another room, we were in the living room. My mum's OH was very quiet and subdued. DD2 woke up and walked in the living room wearing a dress. He visablly sits up smiles (quite creepily) and says come and sit on my knee dd2. Which she does, he then tickles her and keeps tickling her under her dress. (Why??) I took her off him as it was making me uncomfortable.

TBH a few months back DH and I had planned a weekend away together just us. Something we've never done since having the kids. I was going to leave the kids with my mum, knowing her OH would be there for the whole time. As I thought I needed to get a grip of myself he'd done nothing wrong and I thought I was being paranoid. It was the above dress incident which horrified me and made me realise I wasn't paranoid. We cancelled the trip away.

My mum has actually stayed at mine quite a few times with the kids to babysit. The problem is we don't have any where for her to stay (apart from the sofa which wouldn't be fair). In the past she has slept in dd2's bed with her, but now dd2 is getting bigger (she's nearly 4) it's uncomfortable for my mum.

Sorry I have just remembered that I have in the past left them with BIL (he's no longer around though), a handful of times. And years ago my sister's boyfriend who she's no longer with. I had no problems with either of them and trusted them completely.

Thanks for calling me spoilt macdoodle, as clearly that's all my OP is about. Although I suppose I did invite it posting in AIBU.

Off to read page 2 now. Thanks again for replying everyone.

Well, now we know your instinct is right. I'd go a bit further with this one. Next time he starts his "tickling" I'd take your DD away and tell him that you don't want him to do it. Particularly under her dress, if he does that again react quite sharply, with a "Don't do that!", and even say "It's not right". If he does it again "What part of don't do that are you not understanding?". You can't be in this constant state of siege whenever he's around your children.

"Eurgh" at your Mum's OH and dress incident.
I definitely don't think you're overreacting.Gives me the creeps reading it.

I don't get the trust your instincts thing. By all means take the greatest of care with your kids safety, but can we really go around making the worst accusations of men because we 'have a feeling' about them?

What if somebody had a feeling like that about your son or your DH?

It seems to me that OP needs to address this issue as it is not going to go away. She feels that her step father is a child abuser. I think she can't just sit on that feeling - she has to act upon it.

Because either a) this man is a child abuser, and nobody is doing anything about it, or b) this man is not a child abuser, and a loving granny can't have her kids overnight for no good reason and is just being told 'no'. Meanwhile his rep is being maligned in the worst imaginable way.

As the girls get older they'll work out that they only get to stay at granny's when Fred isn't home. This won't go away.

Definately not BU
Trust. Your. Instincts.

oh and make friends with potential babysitters!