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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is toally out of order and more than a bit strange?

68 replies

FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:05

I am 100% a very regular poster, I have NC because if the person involved reads this she will know immediatly that its me!

Its my MIL.

She took my sons out for the day last Saturday, they are 4 and 5.

Today she comes to visit, on her way out she chats to DH outside, DH returns with a piece of paper which he puts on the side.

About 30 mins later I go to read it.

it says:

7th August:

Discussion of Death and Heaven with (ds1) and (ds2)

Hmm

thats the title and it goes on to have a full A4 page 'report' of her taking them to her fathers grave and discussing death, heaven and jesus.

I am really angry TBH, they are babies, they don't need to know any of that!

It has quotes of things my boys have said during this outing and they have upset me too, she has caused them to think of their own and each others deaths. Why would children so small need to do that?!

I know this sounds like I'm making it up - but I'm not, I don't know what to do, I'm going to have this deleted ecventually because I'm scared she will see it,

but its totally weird isn't it??

DH said he planned to bin it before I saw and and said his mum is a 'nutter'

Shes a reception teacher FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:05

And it says

Location : Grandads Grave

Hmm
OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 11/08/2010 21:07

Shock YANBU

Your dh shouldn't have considered concealing it either.

Pisces · 11/08/2010 21:08

I think that is awful. My DS, once he learnt about death, went through a terrible time for months thinking I was going to die any minute as I was "old". He would not leave my side.

I think your MIL is way out of order.

YANBU!

TrinityRhino · 11/08/2010 21:08

it not too soon to tell them at all as long as you scrap the heaven shit

but its not her place and really nothing to do with her at all

your dh is right, she is a bit of a nutter

Original poster
FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:09

Geek, he wanted to do that because I have fears around death and he didn't want it to upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:11

I know that trin., they do know about death as they have been to my maternal grandads grave but its very much a 'happy' event visiting him, not the tirade of questions and religion tha she put upon them then wrote up on it?!?!

OP posts:
FallingWithStyle · 11/08/2010 21:11

What on earth posessed her??

At 4 and 5 they have no need for any of that!

What are you going to do?

ChequeredFlag · 11/08/2010 21:11

Does she ever do these reports for other activities she does with them? How odd to do it, let alone write about it!

bronze · 11/08/2010 21:11

very odd

though I dont think its ever too young to discuss death with children

Original poster
FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:12

She is a teacher and often does 'tachery things' like work pages and making things,

but she has never, even written a report on anything!

its just so weird and is making me so, so sad to read it.

OP posts:
mollymawk · 11/08/2010 21:15

Personally I think it's ok to discuss death with children that age. Not so keen on the Jesus/heaven stuff if that isn't your belief, but not so terrible in the grand scheme of things.

Writing up a "report" of an activity with children is, however, rather weird.

omnomnomtom · 11/08/2010 21:17

bizarre- and not her place to have that conversation with your kids especially without discussing it with you first
Shock at leaving a report

Sorry to say this but you should probably mention it to her before she has any more bright ideas

Original poster
FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:17

I agree, it IS something that has to be discussed and we have done so.

I object to her taking them out, taking them to a grave, talking about Jesus non stop, making my 4 year old think he is going to die( "well I don't want to die ever!") and then writing up about it.

Surely its our place as their parents to talk to them about this stuff?!

OP posts:
Scaredofthedark · 11/08/2010 21:18

Maybe she wrote iit all down so you would know what she had said, the terms used etc So in case the said anything at least you would have the background info.

If she was visiting a graveside, questions were bound to be asked weren't they?
Not sure how much longer you can hide death/dying for, especially with a 5 year old ( presumably at school?

Death is a natural part of life- nothing to be ashamed of/ to hide. Animals die/ flowers die...

I do think she write it down so you know exactly what she said.
Maybe something to discuss a little more?

sanielle · 11/08/2010 21:18

NOt her place to have that conversation with your dc. YANBU

Original poster
FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:19

Can people please read the following posts! I don not hide death from them, we take them to my grandads grave!!

OP posts:
skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 21:20

exactly the kind of thing i expect from my mil...
also a (nursery) teacher.
very,very weird!
i would be very angry,
and i would tell her so.

grapeandlemon · 11/08/2010 21:20

Dd is 3 and I have explained death and how people's bodies "stop working" after the funeral of her gf. I feel this is important. However I feel this was something you and your dh to do not your mil.

MrsReality · 11/08/2010 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VictorianIce · 11/08/2010 21:20

1st post from a long-time lurker, but is there any chance she is ill? Could she be (clumsily) trying to prepare them for something?

sanielle · 11/08/2010 21:21

Calm down fl, think everyone agreed with you!

Original poster
FallingLeaves · 11/08/2010 21:23

I don't know if I can say anything to her.

We have had alot of ups and downs, she takes thinbgs so personally and this is the first time in years we have had an amicable relationship.

She is a nice lady but shes just very, very odd!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 11/08/2010 21:25

She's wayyyy out of line, so far out of line I can no longer see the line.

They are too young to have to think about their own or each others deaths unless it's becomes a part of your families fabric.

The earlies a child needs to know about death is when if affects them in some way.

I never went out of my way to pretend spiders had gone to sleep or stuff like that, I don't disguise death in anyway. I answer any and all questions honestly. So, no, I don't think they are 'too young to discuss death' as such, but they are too young for this weird stuff she is doing.

But what she has done is just fucking weird, scary and not her place.

I am livid on your behalf - I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

What are you going to do?

skyeplusbump · 11/08/2010 21:26

ohhh,she sounds more and more like mil...
you have to say something...it will only get worse,and weirder.belive me!
you can be nice about it though.just that you feel its your place to do these kinds of things and for her to just enjoy the lovely granny stuff. Grin

glasgowlass · 11/08/2010 21:26

If my MIL did this I would go mental(she has form of doing shit like this).....So IMO, YANBU to be upset re this, its not her place to have these discussions without your prior consent/knowledge, thats up to you and your DH to have those kinds of chats with your DC's.

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