to think this is toally out of order and more than a bit strange?

[FallingLeaves]

I am 100% a very regular poster, I have NC because if the person involved reads this she will know immediatly that its me!

Its my MIL.

She took my sons out for the day last Saturday, they are 4 and 5.

Today she comes to visit, on her way out she chats to DH outside, DH returns with a piece of paper which he puts on the side.

About 30 mins later I go to read it.

it says:

7th August:

Discussion of Death and Heaven with (ds1) and (ds2)

thats the title and it goes on to have a full A4 page 'report' of her taking them to her fathers grave and discussing death, heaven and jesus.

I am really angry TBH, they are babies, they don't need to know any of that!

It has quotes of things my boys have said during this outing and they have upset me too, she has caused them to think of their own and each others deaths. Why would children so small need to do that?!

I know this sounds like I'm making it up - but I'm not, I don't know what to do, I'm going to have this deleted ecventually because I'm scared she will see it,

but its totally weird isn't it??

DH said he planned to bin it before I saw and and said his mum is a 'nutter'

Shes a reception teacher FFS!

Custardo, don't you think that the OP is getting her nickers in a twist about this though.

The reason the MIL is sending sheets out is probably because they don't get on.

I would be trying to achieve some sort of familiar peace!

Familial...sorry spelling

why would you send a report to someone you dont get on with

?

its weird, odd, strange to write a report.

then there is the subject matter - yes i would be upset if another family member decided one bright morning - with no context of a sudden death or anything in the family - to just take my small children to a graveyard and talk to them about death.

thats weird, strange odd in itself...whats wrong with the park like a normal granny

why does this granny thing its her moral duty to explain heaven and hell and death concepts to very very small children.

this is the realm of the mother

now, should the op have told us that they were all sat round in pizza hut and the conversation turned to talk about grandad and how he died then mil piped up with whole heaven, death monologue, then i might say.....sure its the mums place to do this but you'll get over it.

the crazy woman took ssmall children for a day out at the graveyeard and then wrote a fucking report on it - thats just weird and there aint no way round it

The report thing is very odd.

DS just turned three and has asked about death/graveyards, etc, and I've just said "when people get very old or sick or hurt their bodies stop working and then mama thinks that their spirits go to be with God", as this is what I believe. But I'm his mother, I would think it very strange for someone else to discuss this with him.

But the report- WEIRD.

YANBU to be upset that she has initiated this discussion.

YABVU to wrap your kids in cotton wool. Kids do talk about this stuff. I was recently talking to a friend who is the "mum on the bus" for the kindergarten class (4 year olds) - apparently the kids were all nattering about death.

I agree 100% with Omarlittlest.

DD has worried about death since she was 3yo, it helps for her to talk about it. 3 DC went to see granddad's body after he died (DS2 was only 5yo). They have had to deal with dying pets. They watch TV programs where characters die. Wrong to make it a big deal subject. Better in small bits and pieces.

But I would check on what the MIL said (which makes it very handy in that she provided a report!) and talk with them about other perspectives on what death means.

I wouldn't have a problem with my mother having a conversation with my children about death, and I can quite imagine such a conversation starting and the direction she would take it in. Which would be different to mine, but then she's a Christian and I'm an atheist so that's not too surprising. I don't feel that I (or their dad) am the sole person who is allowed to talk about heavy stuff to my children, in fact I think a diversity of opinions is probably good, even at quite a young age, and I don't think that death should be a taboo subject (many small children find it very interesting).

Writing a report is very weird though.

I think YABU.

I kind of understand the report thing. It is a big subject and she probably wanted to make sure you were fully aware of everything that was said.

Following the stillbirth of her little brother last year, my DD (5) frequently talks about death and what happens. At the moment she is interested in the idea of his grave and so talks about it a lot.

If these conversations take place when she has a school friend with her (which they always seem to!) I always try and explain to the parent that we discussed death and what was said. I don't want to ever stop DD asking questions but I am well aware that some people find such discussions inappropriate.

So perhaps the report was just a rather bizarre way of doing the same?

I personally never talk about heaven and hell as I am not religious but DD attends a CofE school and so is already forming her own ideas about the same. If she asks I explain that it is not what I believe in but some people do.

I would be concerned if a talk given by a relative was overtly religious but I don't see any harm in it being addressed as an alternative.

Personally I think it is the wording ' report' which is getting peoples backs up.
If the mil had left a 'note' about the days activities would it seem so bad.

' dear dil, today we went to xxxx graveyard and while there x and x asked me a few questions such as ......
I explained ...... And tried to answer them as I saw fit. Anyway I've written it down for you on case they mention it again.'

What exactly did the report say?
Is mil a teacher? Maybe she's just used to this wording?

Id be livid. Its my place to have these talks with my children. The report is just weird! So YANBU!

Someone else said this - is she ill?
Is it a hint that she is afraid and ill and hasn't yet told you?
I agree it is very weird and inexplicable. I don't see what being a teacher has to do with it really, unless she writes a report on every picnic and shopping trip.

OP - YANBU.

I think that a topic like this is the domain of the parents. You know your DC's and only you can make the call on what you say to them. She crossed the line and you need to let her know that.

We have had to talk about death to my DS1 when he was 2.6 as my father died. I wouldnt have chosen to do it when he was so young, but I would have gone ballistic if someone other than myself and DH spoke to DS1 about it.

You say she's a nursery teacher - sounds like she's recorded it in the same way they'd record a long observation at nursery to be honest - she's probably just stuck to a structure she knows and works with (hence things like the quotes from the children) to make sure the pair of you know what's been said.

It would explain the whole date/location/topic things as well and hopefully make it seem a little less jarringly odd if it's the way she would document a discussion or activity with the kids she works with.

FallingLeaves - have you spoken to her?

Well the discussing wouldn't bother me. But DS1 encountered death pretty early because one of the children at his nursery died. So we have had lots and lots of conversations about it over the years.

What would make me think she was a bit mad is the writing it down like that - how odd.

YANBU

what does she think she was doing??? and why the written report???
Bizarre to the max - do you plan to mention it to her?

Well outbid order. My ex mil was a jw and because if her insistence on doing this with her neices my sil stopped her having them alone

I would go apeshit tbh.
You say your husband wouldn't say anything - perhaps you need to give him the option of you both sitting down and talking to her about it or her not having the children by herself again.
I understand how difficult it is when you have a tricky relationship with mil and your dh doesn't want to get involved as am in a similar position myself but I couldn't let something like this slide personally.