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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to boycott my best friend's wedding because I am pissed off with her?

65 replies

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 19:53

We have been mates for 30 years. She is my oldest friend, and we have lived through each others' bad men, health crises and so on.. She was my matron of honour at my wedding.

She decided to get married overseas, in a place I really don't fancy going. But she is my closest friend - so was obviously planning to go.

Then last April DD died suddenly. I called her from the hospital, and she said, she was at the airport about to go on a package holiday, and she would come and visit me as soon as she got back. (We live 500 miles apart in the UK). She still hasn't.

Wedding date is approaching, and she is still expecting me to be there. TBH, I feel like it's too much hassle to go now. I don't fancy a jolly celebration. I always hated the idea of the destination. And I can't be arsed travelling half way round the world, for someone who chose a package holiday over DD's funeral.

But we are friends from pre-puberty - and she will only have one wedding (maybe, but y'know what I mean) - and I know people find DD's death hard to handle.

I don't want to go - AIBU?

OP posts:

Hassled · 11/08/2010 19:58

I'm so sorry about your daughter. I cna quite see why, regardless of your friend's thoughtlessness, you don't feel like travelling abroad for a jolly. I really think the reasonableness or not of what you decide to do is irrelevant - you've been through/are going through something I can't even begin to imagine, and just do whatever you feel up to.

Your friend will cope - after thirty years, I'm sure you'll sort this out in the long-term, but you don't have to deal with it now. Stay home if that's what you want to do.

trixie123 · 11/08/2010 20:00

I am so sorry for your loss. If you really don't want to go, why not explain to her that under the circumstances you'd really rather not but that you'd love to spend some time with her on a 1 to 1 basis when she is home again and you can really talk. Her wedding is not the time for a good catch up or for her to condole with you. She will be flying around doing weddingy stuff and you'll get little time together. Try to maintain the friendship if you can. I have a friend I have known since I was three and we did fall out a few years ago but after about 2 years of no contact she got back in touch and we are of (I hope) great help to each other as mums and friends. Best of luck

Northernlurker · 11/08/2010 20:01

Nobody finds your dd's death harder to handle than you. I don't think I would go - she should have come to see you by now. She should be there for you. Going to the wedding when your dd should have been with you would be pretty brutal for you to live through anyway. In these circumstances I would say fuck it and not go.

My best friend lives 200 miles away. If anything happened to her dd or dh or anything happened to mine I know we would be on the way to each other as soon as humanly possible. That's what friends do. It would be so so hard - but even travelling all that way to cry and make a cup of tea then go home again would be worth it. Don't go - you need to conserve your energy.

bumpsnowjustplump · 11/08/2010 20:01

Firstly so so sorry for your loss..

Secondly a package holiday would never ever come before a friend in need (or any holiday for that matter) so you have a right to be really upset by her actions..

You dont mention if you have any role in the wedding. If not i would call her and say that sorry but you are not able to go as you are struggling at the moment with everything that has happened.

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/08/2010 20:03

actually, i dont think you are being unreasonable. i wouldnt do anything under the circumstances you describe that you dont feel like doing. when my sister died i was just awful for months and months and i didnt want to be part of anything, let alone happy occasions.

i understand why you would feel let down by the fact that she didnt come to you, even after her holiday. maybe just drop her a card explaining that you cant face it, get her a gift and leave it until you can face her.

im so sorry for your loss. be kind to yourself.

Surprise · 11/08/2010 20:03

Really sorry to hear about your DD, Sassy. I can't imagine what you must have been through, but I'd say do whatever YOU want to do. Much more minor, but I had a long-term friend who upset me a bit over something, so I didn't go to her 40th birthday (a very big bash). She was a bit hurt, but I eventually explained why and she understood, as I'm sure your friend will. Maybe she didn't realise how much you needed her at the time, and assumed your family would be all you needed.

If I were you, I wouldn't go, but would have a holiday somewhere special that YOU will enjoy. xx

teameric · 11/08/2010 20:05

Sassy I am very sorry for your loss, she doesn't sound much of a friend really. I wouldn't go if I were you.

Headbanger · 11/08/2010 20:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think YABU: I suspect at the heart of this isn't frustration or irritation with your friend, but that fact that you are still coming to terms with a terrible bereavement, and under those circumstances long travel, and a big celebration away from home, are far from ideal. If she is any friend at all, regardless of the past, she should entirely understand your reasons for not going.

All the very best, whatever decision you make.

EmmaKateWH · 11/08/2010 20:09

I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss. What a nightmare for you. I am impressed that you manage to get out of bed at all, never mind worry about things like this, given that you only lost your daughter in April.
You are not being unreasonable. She has let you down badly in your greatest hour of need. I suspect that she let you down because she didn't know what to do given the magnitude of your terrible situation, rather than because she didn't care that you had lost your daughter, but the fact remains that she let you down.
A wedding is a big deal, but losing a child trumps anything else. Don't do anything, including travelling to a wedding, which you think will make you feel worse than you do already. If you don't feel it will help to go and have the change of scene etc, then just don't go. Anyone who expects you to manage that sort of social event 4 months after losing your child has no idea what you are going through.

Bobbalina · 11/08/2010 20:09

YANBU

Really sorry to hear about your dd

senua · 11/08/2010 20:11

I think Trixie's idea is good: go with "it's not you, it's me" and make up after the wedding.

atswimtwolengths · 11/08/2010 20:15

I'm so sorry about your daughter.

I think you have a better idea of friendship than this woman does. The thing that strikes me is that you rang her from the hospital - how could she not come straight to you? How could she enjoy a holiday knowing what had happened to you?

I think when people marry abroad and expect others to come, it's a bit of a cheek, really. It's different if it's discussed beforehand, but if someone just tells you that's what they're going to do and then expects you to spend the time and the money to go too, I think that's very unreasonable.

In your position I would perhaps go if it was nearby and your friend had been a true friend. In the circumstances, I'd tell her you're just not able to do it - if she can't see that the sudden death of a child might make someone unable to go on a happy holiday, then she really, really isn't someone worth calling a friend.

Original poster

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 20:18

Thanks for all the responses. I suppose that means I am not being unreasonable.

I really appreciate all your input - my judgement is a little awry at the moment, so it is good to get others' opinions.

OP posts:

spiritmum · 11/08/2010 20:20

Sassy, I am so sorry to hear about your dd.

Do what is right for you.

porcamiseria · 11/08/2010 20:21

Hi sassy

dont go, really. be kind to yourself

echo the good advice thus far

expatinscotland · 11/08/2010 20:24

YANBU.

Tell her you are too depressed after DD's death to go.

If she doesn't understand, well, she obviously doesn't, then stuff it.

Don't feel bad about not going.

sallyseton · 11/08/2010 20:27

no, YANBU.

Really sorry to hear of your loss. Last April is not long ago at all- has your friend said anything along the lines of 'we'd love you to come, but of course you don't have to if you don't feel up to it. We wouldn't want you to do anything you don't want to at this time'.

How sensitive/sympathetic has she been towards you? What reason, if at all, has she given for not coming to visit you?

JuneBugJr · 11/08/2010 20:28

You've lost your DD Sassy - I dont think the 'normal' rules apply here, you're entitled to do exactly what makes you feel better and comfortable, whatever it takes to get through this. And I doubt a trip abroad, with loads of folk all cheerful and pissed up will achieve that.

So sorry about the loss of your DD, it seems so unfair

sallyseton · 11/08/2010 20:41

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you not feel guilty about anything at all at the moment. One of the most unhealthy things we can do in times of grief and or depression is to do things we don't want to because we 'should'. Normal rules don't apply-within reason, and I think this is one of those times.

Think about it this way, what will you regret more- missing a friend's wedding or going to the wedding and feeling miserable?

DinahRod · 11/08/2010 20:45

Maybe, in her wedding induced haze, she's thinks it'll be good for you to have the 'distraction' of the wedding/going abroad.

It clearly wouldn't, you don't want to go, so don't. It's more important to be kind to yourself after such a sad and devastating loss. Plus she has been frankly poor in the friendship stakes recently.

forehead · 11/08/2010 20:48

OP, so sorry for your loss. However, i think that your friend probably doesn't know how to react to your loss. There are some people who are unable to deal with death.
I think that you should tell your friend how upset you are about how she has behaved towards you since the death of your dd, you may be surprised by what you hear.

CheeryCherry · 11/08/2010 20:49

Some good advice here, so sorry for your loss. If your friend really is a friend, then she should understand why you have pulled out of the wedding. I wouldn't go if I were you. But also, she should have been to see you before now. I realise people find death hard to deal with, therefore that maybe the reason she is avoiding you, but thats not your fault. There is nothing she could say to make things better for you, but she could at least have been there - to hug and to listen. Look after yourself, don't go. Don't beat yourself up for not going. Take care.

Toughasoldboots · 11/08/2010 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prozacfairy · 11/08/2010 20:52

YABU.

So sorry for your loss and so sorry your friend hasn't been there for you when you needed her the most. Some friend.

Do what you think is best. It's a risk people take when they plan a wedding abroad imo. Some people can not or will not attend for their own reasons.

loopyloops · 11/08/2010 20:53

I felt very much like this. My DD1 (twin) was stillborn in June last year. My brother, only local realtive, didn't come to visit, and didn't even meet DD2 (surviving twin( until she was 3 moths old and I turned up with her on his doorstep. He got married last week. I was very unsure about whether to go or not, but did in the end. In some ways I am glad that I did, as I feel I am the better person, but I also wish I still had something with which to show him how much he hurt me, IYSWIM? We met up afterwards and he was really nasty to me (I wrote a thread about it if you're interested) and now I'm gutted that I didn't make a stand, and don't know how to put a stop to seeing him in the future.

Have you booked your tickets? It seems to me that it's not so much that you don't want to go, as you want her to realise that she's let you down. This does sound really catty of me, but I might be inclined to book a holiday somewhere else at the time of her wedding. If I weren't being emotional about this, I guess advice should be to talk to her frankly about it. However, it is emotional, and you must do whatever helps you to feel better and supported.

My thoughts are with you, I am still really struggling, you must be too. :(

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