to boycott my best friend's wedding because I am pissed off with her?

[SassySusan]

We have been mates for 30 years. She is my oldest friend, and we have lived through each others' bad men, health crises and so on.. She was my matron of honour at my wedding.

She decided to get married overseas, in a place I really don't fancy going. But she is my closest friend - so was obviously planning to go.

Then last April DD died suddenly. I called her from the hospital, and she said, she was at the airport about to go on a package holiday, and she would come and visit me as soon as she got back. (We live 500 miles apart in the UK). She still hasn't.

Wedding date is approaching, and she is still expecting me to be there. TBH, I feel like it's too much hassle to go now. I don't fancy a jolly celebration. I always hated the idea of the destination. And I can't be arsed travelling half way round the world, for someone who chose a package holiday over DD's funeral.

But we are friends from pre-puberty - and she will only have one wedding (maybe, but y'know what I mean) - and I know people find DD's death hard to handle.

I don't want to go - AIBU?

Stay home Sassy - you shouldn't be doing anything you aren't 100% comfortable with at the moment.

So sorry to hear about your DD :( Can't begin to imagine what you must have been through/be going through

I'm surprised at the number of people saying "f**k her." I don't see how compounding the sadness by losing a friend of 30 years standing is going to help.

It sounds like you have come to a sensible solution sassy. Take your own time to deal with this in your own way but don't burn any bridges along the way.

sassy you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty about not attending this womans wedding or even giving her an explanation why. I think she has treated you appallingly. To not have even picked up the phone to you is an awful way to treat anyone, let alone her 'Best Friend.' I would say nothing and just not go. If she couldn't be there at a time when you really needed her the most she's not worth bothering about.

Sassy, so sorry to hear about your DD.
'I wasn't sure if people would think I was being a bit miserable'. You're bloody entitled to be!

I lost a very dear friend/father figure in Feb last year and I still can't talk about him without getting choked up. Celebrations are getting easier for me as time passes but 6 months for the loss of your precious child is a drop in the ocean in terms of grief.

Your friend's lack of support has been a disappointment to you but try not to waste energy fretting over it. Sadly some people are just very self absorbed and find that hard to switch off when others' needs are greater.

by the time of the wedding, DD will have been dead for just over 6 months, and I wasn't sure if people would think I was being a bit miserable

Now re-read that. Yes you're miserable. of course you're miserable. Your daughter has very recently died. Please don't worry about what other people think. They will probably not understand, because they can't, but they will try, they will care, and they will think that it is fair enough. Please don't feel guilty about this. :(

Take care.

Sassy, I just wanted to add my very sincere condolences. I am so so sorry for your enormous loss.

I agree with Loopy - 6 months is nothing, of course you are going to be miserable, your bloody entitled to be too :(

My BIL passed away 18 months ago under tragic circumstances and I still struggle to speak about him with anyone other than DH's family as I feel they are the only people who understand how I feel.

Give yourself a break Sassy

senua you need your friends to be there for you. If they aren't, they are not your friends. Spending valuable energy worrying about whether you've offended them or not does not help when you're grieving. I take it you've never been in such a situation. OP needs to take it easy on herself and not worry about her "friend", hence "fuck them".

So, so sorry for your loss, you are amazing to be even thinking of anyone else's feelings. You've got to do what's right for you, surely she'll understand if you don't go. You could tell her that you're upset about her not coming to see you, but if you don't have the energy to deal with all that, just say you're not up to a wedding. A wedding is just a day, it's nothing compared to what you're going through.

Sassy - you poor thing. So sorry for your loss.

I think your friend has been selfish. Bloody hell if you are a close friend you do whatever you can, don't you. My best friend's sone dies 4 years ago, she rang me up at 10pm, I drove down to see her straight away (luckily have understanding boss). I am not a marvellous person, far from it, but that is a normal thing for a friend to do. She would do the saem for me, no question.

I would do what expat said - say you simply cannot go to teh wedding because you are still very upset. Then leave it up to her. If she still carries on in her flaky way, then you know where you stand.

But this kind of shit is the last thing you need.

I'm another voice for the 'do what suits you' approach. I can't imagine how let down you feel . Even if you hadn't been let down (and you really have), it's still reasonable not to attend. I don't think you should go as she's not handling your daughter's death well (or even at all) and you will just feel more rejected as she prances around in her white dress looking all happy, totally focused on her self (which will be normal for her wedding but not nice for you given her utter inability to even speak to you prior to this). I would sent a note saying you can't face it but really hope it goes well, send a nice bunch of flowers, and work out if the friendship is worth saving afterwards. It's not a revenge thing, more self-preservation.

I'm so sorry. Don't go - she doesn't deserve it.

When my sister died some people who I expected to be supportive really let me down. I didn't feel particularly angry, because I understood that they just didn't know how to deal with it, but at the same time our relationship was never the same afterwards. I just couldn't really be bothered about them again.

OTOH, some people who I wasn't so close to were amazing. I don't think they even understood how important they were to me but I will feel in their debt forever.

Sassy

DD will have been dead for just over 6 months, and I wasn't sure if people would think I was being a bit miserable

Anyone who would think that isn't even worth a passing thought. 6 months is nothing... nothing at all. If you can get out of bed, shower and get through the day, that's enough - anything beyond that is a bonus. You have lost your darling daughter, life will never, ever be the same again. You and your DH need to look after each other and that is all. It alters the horizon in a way many people can't even begin to imagine and as you say relationships have to be renegotiated - everything you have ever taken for granted has shifted. People let you down - people who you thought would always be there for you, people support you who you didn't really expect to, it changes everything. It's hell on earth and working out how the hell you are going to get through the rest of your life is bloody exhausting.

I'm very glad you have decided not to go to the wedding x

Sassy - if your friend cannot understand why you don't feel like attending her wedding, without you having to explain to her, then she isn't a very good friend.

So sorry for the loss of your dd.

I don't think YABU. But your friend may well do so I would be prepared for this relationship to end.

Which might be for the best or might not be.