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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to boycott my best friend's wedding because I am pissed off with her?

65 replies

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 19:53

We have been mates for 30 years. She is my oldest friend, and we have lived through each others' bad men, health crises and so on.. She was my matron of honour at my wedding.

She decided to get married overseas, in a place I really don't fancy going. But she is my closest friend - so was obviously planning to go.

Then last April DD died suddenly. I called her from the hospital, and she said, she was at the airport about to go on a package holiday, and she would come and visit me as soon as she got back. (We live 500 miles apart in the UK). She still hasn't.

Wedding date is approaching, and she is still expecting me to be there. TBH, I feel like it's too much hassle to go now. I don't fancy a jolly celebration. I always hated the idea of the destination. And I can't be arsed travelling half way round the world, for someone who chose a package holiday over DD's funeral.

But we are friends from pre-puberty - and she will only have one wedding (maybe, but y'know what I mean) - and I know people find DD's death hard to handle.

I don't want to go - AIBU?

OP posts:

prozacfairy · 11/08/2010 20:53

Damn meant YANBU! so sorry too much wine

Original poster

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 21:00

How sensitive/sympathetic has she been towards you? What reason, if at all, has she given for not coming to visit you?

She sends text every few weeks which gives newsy updates like "DS is enjoying school/hols/ etc" usually followed by "thinking of you".

If I call, phone goes to voicemail, and I'm afraid I don't leave messages - but she doesnt' return missed calls.

Eventually after over 2 months, I sent a text that said "You haven't called me once since DD died". She phoned back that day - had a litany of stuff that was going wrong in her life (cat died, car accident (bump, not injuries) work problems, arguments with DP etc etc. Said she would phone more often.

Has never called back - texted to apologise about lack of calls after 4 weeks, but says she has work problems...

I think she is being a crap friend - but tbh, if you talk to other bereaved mums it is standard behaviour that lots of other bereaved mums have had to deal with. People do find it hard to deal with, and therefore avoidance tactics rule ok!

OP posts:

loopyloops · 11/08/2010 21:02

From your last post, no, definitely don't go. You need supportive friends who are there for you. She doesn't deserve you. Go somewhere lovely instead.

Original poster

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 21:06

Thanks Loopy - I don't think either DH or I could face any sort of holiday at the moment tbh.

I'm very sorry to hear about your baby. Did you know that there is a bereaved mummies thread on the Bereavement section. We have a few regular posters who have lost one twin.

I sympathise about your brother - mine is not the most supportive soul either. Overall, I think it is easier to accept that people are not what we want them or need them to be. But putting these thoughts into practice and being stoic is sometimes pretty hard.

OP posts:

OrmRenewed · 11/08/2010 21:08

Of course YANBU.

AbiAbi · 11/08/2010 21:12

Sassy

There's so many people that can't deal with my DS's death either, and even though I understand that it's a taboo to some, I still get incredibly angry about it.

Yadnbu to not go.

loopyloops · 11/08/2010 21:14

Thanks Sassy, I have been told about that thread a few times but just can't do it for some reason.

I don't think you need to be stoic. You have to think of yourself and your DH now. Nothing else matters.

LunaticFringe · 11/08/2010 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loopyloops · 11/08/2010 21:21

I agree with Lunatic. Fuck them.

AbiAbi · 11/08/2010 21:23

And I wholeheartedly third 'fuck them'

LittleMissHissyFit · 11/08/2010 21:24

Sassy, tbh, I think if it doesn't help you to go, then you could never, ever be critised for taking the decision NOT to go.

Even if it were around the corner, you might get there and think, Hmm, I'm not up to this and want to go back home, but you are less able to do that when you are thousands of miles away from home.

Your friend has not been there at all for you, she has been utterly insensitive and clearly can't handle the situation... Bully for her, she has a flaming option.

Your gut tells you that you don't want to go, don't go.

Tell her whatever you like, but really she is not much of a friend.

I hope you find a friend you truly deserve and one that deserves one as good as you seem to be.

Easywriter · 11/08/2010 21:30

Sassy I'm so sorry about losing your daughter.
I've never lost a child but did lose my wonderful brother when we were teenagers and know how it feels when people cross the road (scaled down to a teenager world) rather than talk to you as if death is contagious.

I personally think you should do whatever is easiest for you and not feel the tiniest pang of guilt about it. Go easy on yourself, you've had a lot to deal with.

In the future though, I do hope you make it up to your friend. The sad truth is that you are probably going to have to start the conversation, but in the long run, she will always feel bad to have not been able to reach out to you when you needed her (assuming she is a true friend) and you can always look at her wedding photo's.

Focus on you, don't even give her wedding another thought. Ring up, say have a lovely time but I won't be able to join you as it's been a difficult year, then get on with being.

proudnsad · 11/08/2010 21:35

Yanbu. She has not been there for you, you are very hurt by that. And you are grieving. Don't go and don't feel one iota of guilt. I too am so sorry for what you've been through x

Original poster

SassySusan · 11/08/2010 22:43

Thanks everyone..

Ok, I concur - fuck 'em
I will not go and I will not feel guilty then.

Loopy perhaps you will come in your own time then... maybe not... I find it a really comforting place, and a brilliant place to vent my spleen - of which I have plenty...

lunatic you're also being missed on the feisty forties thread too xx

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/08/2010 22:47

Sassy, you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Nada. This is winding you up and upsetting you and you neither deserve it nor need it.

So just get it done now. Send her a message now, 'Sorry, it's too soon after (insert your daughter's name) death for me to be able to join in the celebrations, so I will not be coming. I wish you all the best. xSassy.'

expatinscotland · 11/08/2010 22:50

This way, you leave the door open, and well, it's true! It's too soon for you. She can't argue with that. And if she does, she's really a bit of a one, IMO.

ArsMamatoria · 11/08/2010 23:00

expat's message is a good one. Weddings are brutal, even when you have nothing but good feelings towards the couple. And if she questions it? Give her a few home truths to mull over. She sounds like a bit of a twat, so YANBU.

LittleMissHissyFit · 11/08/2010 23:00

good post expat!

ChippingIn · 11/08/2010 23:23

Sassy - so sorry to hear about your daughter :(

If I were you I'd just send her a little card saying that you are sorry, but you and your DH don't feel up to travelling and being around a lot of people right now, it's too much to cope with. Wish her well.

Weddings can be hard work when you are genuinely happy, when you are broken, they can be incredibly difficult. Even more so when they are so far away from home.

Even if she'd been a brilliant friend the chances are you'd still not want to go right now - don't make it seem as though it's her lack of support that's making you say you're not going.

Give it time, re-evaluate your friendship later - now is not the time.

Take care x

expatinscotland · 11/08/2010 23:38

I am very sorry to read of your loss.

There is no statute of limitations on grief, or on feelings that go with that.

So don't beat yourself up about them.

Anyone with half a heart will understand.

proudnsad · 12/08/2010 08:10

Sassy can I also add to my previous post, this woman isn't your best friend, you do realise that?

This is more than a case of she's 'finding it difficult to know what to say'. She's actively ignored your calls and then spouted about her own problems, ones that pale into insignificance compared to your grief.

For your own sake, and not out of spite, write her off.

Don't expend precious energy and emotion on her.

I'm not saying she's a witch but for whatever reason she's doesn't reciprocate your 'best friend' feelings. Rely on friends who really do love and care about you.

Northernlurker · 12/08/2010 08:15

I told dh about this thread. He simply couldn't believe that she hasn't been to see you. Leaving all other circumstances aside that is such poor behaviour on her part. She really doesn't deserve you putting yourself through an additional hard time for her sake. I think deciding not to go is definately very wise on your part.

Original poster

SassySusan · 12/08/2010 09:59

Sassy can I also add to my previous post, this woman isn't your best friend, you do realise that?

Thanks everyone.

I'm not overly impressed with her "support" either - but I'm sure if you asked her, she would say we were close friends too. Her text messages are effusive and say she loves me, and she has suggested we all go away to a cottage for new year - I can't even think about a time that far ahead existing - but I suppose she means well.

Speaking to lots of other bereaved mums, I know my experience of my friend is actually quite common. People handle it badly. This is part of why it is so hard - it's not just the unbearable pain of losing DD - on top all your relationships (with family, DH, friends) are all under huge stress and need to be reneogotiated, at a time when you barely have the energy to shower.

I have another friend with a slightly older only DD - known her since 1993 - lives 2 1/2 hours away - comes and stays with us every year for a few days (we live in holiday town) for a break. Our DDs used to play together. Didn't attend the funeral because she has another important appointment she couldn't break - WTF. I mean what could be more important that a 3 year old's funeral?

People find it hard, so they steer clear. It's all a bit exhausting - but I think saying that I'm not up to a wedding per se - sounds a good solution. It's reassuring to know that Non-Bereaved Mums think it's reasonable to say that - by the time of the wedding, DD will have been dead for just over 6 months, and I wasn't sure if people would think I was being a bit miserable.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/08/2010 10:11

sassy, stay home

don't go to the wedding

Gibbon · 12/08/2010 10:18

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I am so, so sorry for your loss

It's not the same I know, but when my brother died suddenly I found out who my friends were. I understand that some people don't know how to handle it but does not make it hurt any less or make you feel less abandoned.

I can't imagine the pain you are going through losing a child please don't for one minute feel bad/guilty about wanting/not wanting to do whatever you can manage at this time. Everyone can deal with it, and if they can't..well that's their issue.

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