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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to stay at my parents' while DP stays with his?

103 replies

irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:08

We have lived together for 4 years. We are about to move overseas together. Every time we go back to our home town to see our families, he wants to stay with his parents by himself while i stay at mine.

My mother has various issues but one of the bigger ones (at least for me) is she wishes I'd never been born. and tha ti am disgusting and extremely silly for living with someone without being married. She tells me all this fairly often. My dad always sticks by his wife, and will absolutely never stand up for me when she is being vile to me.

I've been over all this again and again with DP, saying can we please find a different arrangement for going home. But he doesn't want me to get in the way of his nice catch-up with his parents.

I think we're adults, we live together, we should'nt be staying with out parents ike teenagers, and we should address this as a pair. But he doesn't want to. He loves his parents and doesn't want my weird family dynamic spoiling his visit to see his parents. This has happened now 5 times. He will not budge and says I should fix my problems with my family and they're always perfectly nice to him.

I am about at exploding point on this. I am seriously considering not moving overseas with him (even though I don't have a job at the moment).

OP posts:

minibmw2010 · 10/08/2010 17:10

I would let him go home to his parents, make your own plans and stay home.

Squitten · 10/08/2010 17:11

I think it's really weird that he always wants to be at his parents by himself. Wreaks of Mummy's Boy to me and to be avoided....

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/08/2010 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 10/08/2010 17:11

So if you did get married would he expect this to contiune

I think it's horrible that he doesn't want you to stay at his parents with him, you're basically not welcome there!

HollyGoHeavily · 10/08/2010 17:13

The whole thing seems very odd to me - you are a couple, surely you go and stay places together.

Why on earth does he not want you to go with him to his parents??? Have you asked him?

WitchyWooWoo · 10/08/2010 17:14

tbh i'd be more worried about your mother who sounds utterly toxic.

AMumInScotland · 10/08/2010 17:14

If you being with him would spoil his time with his parents, then I think you have to wonder what the future of your relationship can be. I don't mean partners have to be joined at the hip 24/7 but being involved with each other as a couple would usually mean visiting family as a couple, unless someone specifically didn't get on.

So - why can't you both go and stay with his family, but you pop over to see your parents if you want to catch up with them (or not if you don't...)

Altinkum · 10/08/2010 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:19

Mum in Scotland, Holly, CarGirl - that's what I think entirely. Witchy - oh I do worry about my mother a lot, but enough said about her.

I guess he is quite a mummy's boy. Which in one way is fine, because his Mum is awesome and lovely and very sensible.

The thing is I think he is more sensitive about this than his parents are. His parents would probabyl be fine with me being there. But he doesn't want to do it.

The other thing is that he never wants to go on holidays, just us - it's always got to be back to the bloody parents.

I really do feel like there is no future in this relationship with him - even though there would be plenty of mileage with his parents!

OP posts:

Hassled · 10/08/2010 17:20

Are you sure that his parents know you exist, that he even has a long term girlfriend? This is utterly bizarre behaviour - but why don't you just stay home, i.e. the place you live with your DP, rather than travel to your parents when he sees his parents?

Do you have a good, normal relationship otherwise?

Original poster

irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:22

Altinkum - yes I've met them many times. They're lovely, very sociable, very sensible and worldly-wise. They know my parents are loopy (his mum is a clinical psychologist, his dad is a public servant in whitehall and very good at getting on with people - they spotted my parents' inability to cope with people a mile off).

OP posts:

Hassled · 10/08/2010 17:22

X-post - his parents do know about you!

It is really really weird, especially as the clinginess isn't coming from the parents which you'd imagine would be the more usual scenario. Assuming they're relatively young and healthy, this is going to be your future for a long time - I certainly couldn't bear it.

PosieParker · 10/08/2010 17:22

How weird.

Morloth · 10/08/2010 17:23

Tell him to have a nice visit and either stay home or go and have a nice holiday somewhere yourself.

BEAUTlFUL · 10/08/2010 17:24

No holidays, and you're going to be moving abroad with him, without a job or anything...? What are you doing?! Please build a wonderful life for yourself.

moondog · 10/08/2010 17:25

How weird.
Don't his parents think it eeird you don't come to them ,especially if they know oyur mum is nuts?
How old are you two?

Original poster

irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:26

Hassled - yes they know I exist and that we live together.

Our relationship feels to me more and more like we live in the same house together rather than we are a pair.

That said, DP is currently making arrangements with the relocation office of an overseas university so that they can facilitate me moving there as well as him, so he clearly thinks there is a future to all this.

i've tried to talk to him so many times about this issue, and the holiday one, but it never goes anywhere - mostly because I don't feel it's worth it if I have to push and shove for us to (for example) go on holiday together - if he doesn't want to then hey I can spend more time at work, by myself, while he spends more time leading his own life.

OP posts:

Morloth · 10/08/2010 17:29

DO NOT move overseas with him unless you are very very secure in your relationship. The stress caused by an international move is huge.

Original poster

irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:29

I've never talked to his parents about this issue, becuase I don't want to push them into it and make them feel they have to have me.

We're both 34. We've both made lives for ourselves as academics (with an immense amount of effort and self-definition by career etc, so it's not just me wandering around the world after some man or other), but i currently don't have funding here and will try to get funding when we get to our overseas place.

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 10/08/2010 17:29

I'm sorry but he sounds very childish, and a bit controlling. I certainly wouldn't be wanting to move overseas with him; my betting would be that he'd be flying back every few months to spend time with his parents and leave you alone wherever it is you're heading.

Squitten · 10/08/2010 17:29

My Dad this this. He generally always put his family before his wife and kids and EVERY SINGLE YEAR the only place we ever went was to visit his parents for two weeks. He would then take a separate trip, without the rest of us to see them again.

Fast forward to the present: My Mum eventually got fed up and they divorced after nearly 20yrs of marriage and Dad is now living back in Ireland in that same family home....

Be EXTREMELY careful how much you commit to this kind of relationship. He is very unlikely to change and you either have to accept that this will be the norm for you or move along. As a product of the above, I recommend the latter...

moondog · 10/08/2010 17:30

34????
Jesus, tell him to get knotted.

SirBoobAlot · 10/08/2010 17:30

Oh, and YANBU.

Morloth · 10/08/2010 17:30

So you would be unemployed and totally reliant on him for support or do you have private money that would enable you to get home/set up again if it goes pear shaped?

fedupofnamechanging · 10/08/2010 17:32

I would not like this at all. Your boyfriend is behaving like a teenager. He is also showing no regard for your feelings and I would find this a very unattractive trait in a man. Would make me question his whole level of commitment.

Wrt your parents. Do you get anything positive out of your relationship with them. If not, perhaps you should reduce visits and have a more long distance contact.

Think you deserve better than you are getting all the way around.

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