Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to stay at my parents' while DP stays with his?

103 replies

irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:08

We have lived together for 4 years. We are about to move overseas together. Every time we go back to our home town to see our families, he wants to stay with his parents by himself while i stay at mine.

My mother has various issues but one of the bigger ones (at least for me) is she wishes I'd never been born. and tha ti am disgusting and extremely silly for living with someone without being married. She tells me all this fairly often. My dad always sticks by his wife, and will absolutely never stand up for me when she is being vile to me.

I've been over all this again and again with DP, saying can we please find a different arrangement for going home. But he doesn't want me to get in the way of his nice catch-up with his parents.

I think we're adults, we live together, we should'nt be staying with out parents ike teenagers, and we should address this as a pair. But he doesn't want to. He loves his parents and doesn't want my weird family dynamic spoiling his visit to see his parents. This has happened now 5 times. He will not budge and says I should fix my problems with my family and they're always perfectly nice to him.

I am about at exploding point on this. I am seriously considering not moving overseas with him (even though I don't have a job at the moment).

OP posts:
LucyLouLou · 10/08/2010 17:34

Does he regress to a more childlike state when he's with his parents? I'm not saying this to excuse him, because it doesn't, but it could be that he has real difficulty in marrying up the way he is with them and the way he is with you.

Original poster
irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:36

Morloth - I have plenty of savings to live off, and a substantial chunk for a house deposit. I am beginning to think that i will refuse to put anything into a house deposit with him though unless we sort this out.

Squitten, that's entirely what I'm afraid of.

I don't htink he'd change at all - and the way things are currently where his work, his family, his friends all take total priority over me or the house we live in - he'd make a completely shit parent.

OP posts:
SeaTrek · 10/08/2010 17:36

I think you are very wise to seriously consider not moving abroad with him.

I am quite shocked that he would treat you like that, the same goes for your mother. It may be time to consider the future of your relationship with both of them.

skidoodly · 10/08/2010 17:38

End it. There is no happy future for you here.

He is being really weird, you don't sound happy

there are no children, why are you staying?

Original poster
irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:39

SeaTrek the one that really shocks me in the mother stakes is my father. OK so my mother has loads of unresolved issues (one being that she doesn't have any issues that need resolving). But my father should be an independently intelligent being who could work out how to behave FOR HIMSELF. If my DP was as vile to our child as my mother is to me, I'd leave him straight away.

OP posts:
Morloth · 10/08/2010 17:40

Ditch the lot of them and go overseas by yourself and have an adventure. Grin

Original poster
irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:43

Morloth that is SO attractive. I have been wishing I could do it for years. But have only recently wished that I could ditch DP too (when we lock horns over this issue).

I actually made plans at one point to go and teach english & danish in Greenland. Then I got more funding at my university and chickened out.

OP posts:
gingerkirsty · 10/08/2010 17:44

OK so what you are saying is that:

  1. he refuses to support you by going with you when you visit your dreadful mother

  2. he does not want your presence 'spoiling' his visit to his family

  3. you are, quite inexplicably, considering emigrating with this man

Quite aside from these issues, your mother sounds absolutely horrible and I wonder if her treatment of you is what is making you put up with this crap from your DP.

I like morloth's idea :)

Heracles · 10/08/2010 17:45

What does he give as reasons, rather than that he just "doesn't want to".

gingerkirsty · 10/08/2010 17:45

Oooh X posted - DO IT !!! :)

diddl · 10/08/2010 17:47

Sorry, but couples visit together.

And if your parents are so awful, why should you be stuck there whilst he´s having a good time with his?

"But he doesn't want me to get in the way of his nice catch-up with his parents." ????

How would you being there spoil anything at all??

Original poster
irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:50

Heracles- that it's not practical. and that it would spoil the family dynamic and put pressure on his parents. and that i should focus on sorting out the issues with my parents anyway because they won't be around forever.

Part of the problem is that he really doesn't understand what it feels like to have someone like my mother hate him. He is always so nice and so well liked by everyone that he doesn't get what an unfixably bad relatinoship feels like, or why I want to avoid my parents.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 10/08/2010 17:55

But your relationship with your parents is a total red herring.

What is weird and insulting is that he thinks your presence will spoil his visit to his own parents.

Even if you and your parents were BFF it would still be odd that you two never visited either set together.

Whether you should or shouldn't sort out your problems with your parents is a separate issue to the fact that he doesn't want you to be a part of his family.

After four years together, and at the age of 34, I would want to be working towards a future with children (assuming you want them).

How can you have a family with a man who excludes and sidelines you like this?

Go to Greenland. Seriously, that would be such an amazing adventure.

Original poster
irritatedOfTunbridgeWells · 10/08/2010 17:59

thanks everyone for your ideas. i'm going to go away and think about all this (and have dinner). will check in tomorrow for more collective wisdom.

thanks

OP posts:
Morloth · 10/08/2010 18:00

Off you go, from what you have posted here you would be a lot better off without any of these people. You only get one go at life, one don't waste it on people who make you unhappy.

atswimtwolengths · 10/08/2010 18:11

Don't go abroad with him! He puts his own needs and desires first - what you need/want doesn't come into it.

To be honest, it's as though he really does see you as flatmates. Does he say he wants a future with you? Does he want a family with you?

If he was like this and you were both 19, I'd say he was a bit selfish and immature. But 34?? Don't try to change him; it has to come from him. Just tell him you'll make your own arrangements for your future and that he should go off and have a good life on his own.

Shame about his parents, though - they do sound nice! As far as your parents are concerned, I do think you would do better moving abroad (though not with that idiot.)

diddl · 10/08/2010 18:12

OP-so if you had a good relationship with your parents do you really think he would let you visit his with him?

"It´s not prctical"-do they only have three chairs?

"Put pressure on his parents"-are you such hard work?-do they always only have one visitor at a time?

atswimtwolengths · 10/08/2010 18:14

Actually I think his mum and dad would welcome you visiting.

FakePlasticTrees · 10/08/2010 18:17

Actually, all that matters is that although you've been living together for 4 years, he doesn't consider you to be part of his family. So what are you? A flatmate he gets to have sex with?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/08/2010 18:20

Why won't he holiday with you? As a couple you should be doing parents visits together surely.

BaronessBomburst · 10/08/2010 18:32

I'm with Morloth. And I hear that the men in Greenland can be really quite delicious..... :)

ChippingIn · 10/08/2010 19:30

You've posted about him on here before haven't you :( [There can't be two women in their mid-thirties about to go overseas with a bloke who insists on staying at his parents on his own surely!]

His attitude is both weird and selfish. Apart from the fact that he should want you there (and you to be part of the 'family dynamic) to say what he does about your relationship with your mother is cruel and shows how little he thinks of you.

gingerkirsty · 10/08/2010 19:34

"He is always so nice" - I don't think so, irritated (no wonder you are bloody irritated by the way)

I am hoping to pop by tomorrow to read that you have packed your bags and booked a ticket. Be strong, you deserve far far better than either your mum or your dp are offering you.

landrover · 10/08/2010 19:39

bump

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/08/2010 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.