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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have politely "had a go at" this stranger on the train.

108 replies

BextheBambi · 10/08/2010 16:26

Ok, bit of background. I'm quite an alternative looking woman, have a bit of a babyface and quite a few piercings. I understand that to some people piercings and tattoos are quite intimidating, mine are all quite small and silver. I don't want to be too "in your face". I'm also 7 1/2 months pregnant and it shows very prominently.

Anyway, after walking the length of the train to find a seat because all business men seem to try and avoid eye contact, so they don't have to give up their precious seat, I finally find a seat opposite this woman. She's an older business lady.

As I sit down she looks me up and down, tuts very loudly and proceeds to give me a look that I can only discribe as being "utterly disgusted". Now, at this point in time I'm very hormonal, achy and tired so I decided to ask her what exactly her problem was.
To which she answers "well you're hardly going to be a responsible mother" and that is verbatim. the guy next to me's mouth practically hits the floor.

AIBU to have said "I don't really think you can judge that just by looking at me. My apperance doesn't tell you anything. You'll probably be dissappointed to know that I'm not the product of 'your taxs' and actually come from a middle class background. Shock Horror"

OP posts:
Original poster
BextheBambi · 10/08/2010 17:49

My mum completley changed her mind about tattoos once I'd told her that her precious Queen Victoria was supposedly covered in them as it was originally a sign of wealth and authority before sailors and captains started to get them and "cheapen" their look.

I'm so glad the majority think i'm not BU, i was kind of worried I may have madea fool of myself.

My philosophy is to take everything with a pinch of salt, usually, I don't mind people asking about my piercings or tattoos. I can understand why they'd want to ask questions.

OP posts:
PosieParker · 10/08/2010 17:51

Most people do leave it behind when they reach adulthood......look at the fucking 'yoof' it is then that people make their most bold statements. You can laugh with your knowledge of tribalism, but this is 2010 UK and last time I peered at the people they didn't belong to obvious tribes. We all make statements with what we wear, you only need to read a page of any psychobabble to know that, to ignore the link is rather silly. I know I wear clothes that cultivate a particular image and clothes that I wore in my early twenties are not appropriate for me now.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/08/2010 17:55

PP, we are almost all part of some kind of tribe. It may be the respectable, middle class, conventional tribe for you, but it is still a tribe.

PosieParker · 10/08/2010 17:56

I said obvious tribe, and yes I know we all try to fit in somewhere with how we speak, where we live, even what wee drive they all make statements. Piercings and tattoos are things that most people have done in their youth, most people.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/08/2010 17:59

The respectable, conventional tribe is fairly obvious. Even it's various sub-cultures, from lentil-weaving guardianista to city slicker, all wear their culture on thier sleaves.

overmydeadbody · 10/08/2010 18:00

Posie you are funny. Saying "because I like it" is enough actually, whether someome is talking about a Boden dress or a facial piercing. To like something is a good enough reason to have it.

PosieParker · 10/08/2010 18:06

People don't just like things, cultivating an image which 'alternative' 'middle class' or anyone does has a statement attached to it, 'alternative' more so because it's more thought filled than chucking on a non branded pair of jeans and a plain tee, however the 'Art' shoes with the long Boden skirt, floaty cardigan and tight vest top, with good cut, few highlights, limited make up and a pair of understated but expensive glasses has quite a lot of thought too.,

lucky1979 · 10/08/2010 18:07

I used to have huge hair extensions (not wool but plastic or dreads or monofibre), wear 6 inch platforms and work in Camden Market. The amount of harrassment and judging you get is phenomenal, and people can't grasp that you haven't dressed that way to shock them personally.

I used to dress that way because:
a) I thought I looked cool
b) I wanted other goths to think I looked cool

I didn't give a monkeys what the average person on the street thought, or whether they were shocked or not.

Maybe if you think "facial piercings make a statement" you might want to consider that that statement is simply - I like facial piercings, and what other people think of it doesn't come into it

StrawberryTot · 10/08/2010 18:09

PosieParker i'm sorry but i would have to disagree with your statement that "most people have them done in their youth" as i have worked in a tattoo and piercing studio (my partner still does) and i can say with all honesty that there is a hell of a lot of older people getting tattoos and piercings, not to mention that these people come from all walks of life and proffesions.

LadyBuzz · 10/08/2010 18:15

Good for you bex well said, people need to realise that it doesn't actually matter what you look like. There are such a variety of views and styles adopted and people are entitled to look as they like regardless of backgroud!

I have piercings some that are seen as 'bizarre' but I like them and I don't do it to shock I am actually very shy.
BIL is a piercer and really he gets people from all walks of life and all ages through his door!

Tortington · 10/08/2010 18:19

nice one, what did she say in reply?

MillyR · 10/08/2010 18:35

Posie, the fact that someone wears something different does not mean they have thought more about it. Difference and creative expression isn't something people cultivate with effort - it is something some people just have in spades.

Neither is their intention to make more of a statement to the world. Their expression of themselves may be directed at their loved ones and other likeminded people. They can't escape the fact that the rest of the world exists and is watching.

I always assumed that looking like, and living your life exactly like, everyone else involved a massive effort, but maybe it just comes naturally to some people.

RunawayWife · 10/08/2010 18:45

Had my mum staying with me the other week after she came out of hospital (had blood clot on the brain removed) she is an amputee in a wheelchair.
Had the electrician round re doing the kitchen and he had a young bloke about 18 helping him who had longish hair, (wool hat) tats, piercings, and when I had to pop out and mum needed the toilet, he helped her get her chair in and he held the door so she could get the chair out again and he made her a cup of tea and chatted to her.

A really lovely young man.
So not every tattooed and pierced person is going to mug you.

slimmingworldmum · 10/08/2010 18:51

This reply has been deleted

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Snobear4000 · 10/08/2010 19:10

Hi Posie. I am middle-class and forty, yet I have booked in another tattoo for October. I'm not trying to say anything or be yoof-like. I just want a tattoo on my arm of a plant that I like so I can be happily reminded of it when I look at my arm. Simple as that.

No psychobabbly needed.

BitOfFun · 10/08/2010 19:14

I don't see what being middle-class has to do with being a good mother though Confused

That is also a judgey remark.

PosieParker · 10/08/2010 19:15

I don't equate tattoos with criminality, except the odd teardrop, or piercings.

Snobear4000 · 10/08/2010 19:17

OP:

What happened to you is awful. That sort of thing would make my blood boil. And good on you for not telling the old bat to fuck off, or smacked her, as it would have confirmed her already rock-hard assumptions regarding the unsuitability of family life to persons with funny-coloured hair. Or whatever.

I have a very scruffy, unshaven, yet I think, almost credible look. Tattoos and whatnot. We moved to a very conservative area (had to get a bigger house because of DS) and I have had many a sideways glance from the church-goers and trophy-wives in our local playgroups probably both because I am the only man around looking after a kid in a sea of women, and because I don't look tory and churchy like everyone else round here.

One wrinkled old prune delightful grandmother at playgroup actually said to me, as I was helping a little girl with her play-doh, "Ooh you are really so good with the children. I would never have thought with all those awful tattoos".

They just can't help themselves, the conservatives. Just can't fucken hold themselves back.

StuckInTheMiddleWithYou · 10/08/2010 19:17

I may have misunderstood your post PP, but were you actually equating piercings with criminality?

BitOfFun · 10/08/2010 19:21

And what's with the ageist and sexist rematk belittling older women? There is a lot of unpleasantness on both sides here.

giraffesCantDanceInBrokenHeels · 10/08/2010 19:24

Well done op

Snobear4000 · 10/08/2010 19:25

Oh bitoffun, your name is so unlike your personality.

Pointing out ageism and sexism wherever it isn't. What a total bore. Everyone has an ism and is judgey according to you. Get a life.

PosieParker · 10/08/2010 19:27

No, but doesn't the teardrop mean you have been in prison?

PosieParker · 10/08/2010 19:28

"church-goers and trophy-wives" yes not judgemental at all......

BitOfFun · 10/08/2010 19:30

Oh do fuck off, Snorebear.