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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this MIL being unreasonable after a friend's MC?

58 replies

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 00:10

This has been playing on my mind so I thought I'd ask for opinions. I'm pretty sure the MIL is bang out of order but I'm not sure if it came out of real heartlessness or genuine stupidity. This happened a long while ago, but my friend spoke to me about it the other day and it's still a sore point for her.

Basically, my friend has a beautiful one-year-old DD, but about a year earlier she had a MC (at about 14 weeks I believe). I did not know her then by all accounts she was pretty much a mess for weeks which is kinda an obvious reaction after such a horrible loss. Anyway, a week before the MC happened, my friend and her DH had gone shopping for the major baby items. Totally excited about it, they invited PILs round to look at what they had bought. MIL had always been a bit off with my friend but generally they had been getting along better since the pregnancy.

Fast forward to post-MC, my friend and her DH, both obviously devastated, arrive home from hospital to PILs at their house. My friend wanted to be alone with her DH (understandably), PILs lingered in the house, eventually leaving after about an hour. On the way our the door, MIL said the following about the baby shopping:

"Well if you hurry up and take all that stuff back to xxxx, you can get your money back now"

Then she exited without saying anything else.

Is it just me or is this unbelievably offensive? This woman has a history of being rather brash and outspoken, but this to me is just way out of line. My friend was obviously devastated and angered at the comment, but her DH was more inclined to write if off as just insensitive.

I would never be that heartless as to make a comment like that to someone who has just suffered an MC, but I'm not sure I could imagine being that insensitive either. I don't think my friend was overreacting to get angry, I think her DH was too dismissive tbh (although I didn't say that much to her). MIL out of line either way though right?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 00:12

MIL out of line

firstly....to be even intruding at such a personal time

secondly...for that stupid comment

oh, and her husband was a complete drip for not ripping his mother a new one, too

just my thoughts Smile

Original poster
LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 00:13

Sorry, should clarify, she MCd a year before she got pregnant again, not a year before she gave birth to her DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 00:16

I'm still not sure why PILs were at the house tbh, they do not have older children so they didn't really need to be there. All round stupid IMO. And I can understand why it still bothers my friend!

OP posts:
Lynli · 09/08/2010 00:53

When I got pregnant after a late MC my DM said " I am not buying anything for this baby as I waisted my money last time".

I have had some stupid things said to me and always try to accept them in the spirit they were given. But I cannot get my head around why anyone would say this. I just try to accept that it was something stupid said when she did not know what to say.

I expect her your friend's MIL regrets saying it.

Original poster
LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 01:03

Gosh Lynli that must've been horrible to hear from her. I'm so sorry for your loss as well.

I'm not sure what went through the MILs head in this situation, but I hope my friend can eventually feel the way you do about that comment. People are just crap at dealing with this kinda stuff I guess....:(.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 01:21

LLL - it was a crass thing to say. A lot of the older generation can be very pragmatic though.

Still, 3 years on from this, she really needs to let it go. She's been pregnant, had a baby and the baby is now one year old. Either the MIL has been a good grandparent to her DD and your friend needs to see it for the pragmatic statement it was, or she hasn't been a good gransparent and your friend should be addressing those issues. A one off comment, no matter how hurtful, should be overlaid by now in one way or another.

Lynli :( that is just beyond sad that you own mum would say that x

iamfabregasted · 09/08/2010 01:23

I have posted this before on here but it still rankles over 18 years later.

After a very late miscarriage my now ex-MIL told me to "stop bleating, everyone knows there's no life in a wean until the 5th month"

Your friends MIL sounds like a cow

nickschick · 09/08/2010 01:27

I dont think anyone appreciates just how much loss you feel after a miscarriage,unless they themselves have had one.

I think your friend links the sadness of the mc to these comments and is unable to let it go - she needs to it will eat away at her unless.

Original poster
LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 01:35

Thanks for your messages guys, the subject came up in general conversation, I'm not sure if it's a major issue to her now, or more of a niggle, I just sensed she was a bit iffy with her MIL since then. Not sure what kind of a GP she is tbh, get the impression she is not hugely affectionate with her GD but can't be certain. I think she's quite a hard woman emotionally speaking, but I've only met her on a couple of occasions so it's probably not enough to really form my own opinion.

If the subject comes up again, I'm going to try to remember what you guys have said to see if I can help her a bit more. I just sat there in openmouthed shock that she would say something like that, I don't think I was much help when she said it tbh :(. Hopefully that'll be different next time.

iamfabregasted - what a horrible thing to have to hear. No wonder it still bothers you. So sorry to hear she didn't support you. Not a bad thing your ex-MIL is an ex I'm guessing....people can be so shit sometimes!

OP posts:
cheekster · 09/08/2010 01:35

I agree, MIL was totally out of line, it so reminds me of the comment made by my MIL after a MC.

When we told MIL that we were pg again after a mc she said in an awful tone
"Oh, Im not getting my hopes up this time!"

I was so upset, and will never forget that comment and the way she said itSad

DS turned out fine however Smile

Original poster
LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 01:39

cheekster - Shock why do GPs have a habit of making it all about them? What a fucking stupid and selfish thing to say!

Very glad to hear your DS arrived safely, but still a sucky comment to have to hear.

Apparently, the insensitive and stupid MIL is an epidemic then....

OP posts:
Thing1Thing2 · 09/08/2010 08:36

ok - I am going to say something insensitive now.

Why do people go shopping for baby stuff so early? I would never have gone shopping at 14 weeks.

I don't think I bought anything til about 30 weeks.

TakeLovingChances · 09/08/2010 09:05

Thing some people just get so excited and can't hold off until 30 weeks. Also, they might see things in the sales or on offer and buy them there and then.

I bought the 'big' things, such as a pram and crib once I'd had my scan at 20 weeks. That may be early in your opinion, but it was my choice.

Also, things can sadly go wrong at any stage of a pregnancy, so there is no real safe time to buy things. Each to their own.

TakeLovingChances · 09/08/2010 09:06

Forgot to say. OP, YANBU.

Some people don't know how to handle sad news like that so end up putting their foot in their mouth.

ChippingIn · 09/08/2010 09:08

Thing1Thing2 - exactly what TLC said. Excitement/Sales/Opportunity

chipmonkey · 09/08/2010 09:20

Sometimes, people get so excited they do things earlier than they should. I remember being horrified at 7 weeks pg with our PFB to find that dh had told everyone in the office! We then had to tell his parents and my parents in case they heard it from someone else when I had thought we were keeping it to ourselves for a while. Dh said he was just so excited, he didn't think before telling.

Your friend's MIL sounds very hard-hearted. Maybe she never had a MC but for ffs, I have never had a MC and I have enough imagination to know how devastating it must be, even though I have never experienced that devastation.

ballstoit · 09/08/2010 09:25

Yanbu, no reason for MIL to be there, never mind say something so thoughtless. My ex's niece had a miscarriage shortly before my DS was born. My late MIL was there when niece held my DS for the first time and, understandably, had a cry. MIL said to her 'if you cant hold a baby without crying I dont know why you're trying to have one' Shock. I know she didnt think she was being insensitive as ex pulled her up on it the next day.

Think1think2 - if you knew it was insensitive why did you say it? Surely your logic can be applied to anything. I will shortly start to think about Christmas presents. I wont leave it until December in case something happens to one of my DC. My great-uncle is planning is 90th birthday party for early next year, should I suggest this is too early, what if he doesnt make it to his birthday

OrmRenewed · 09/08/2010 09:29

It might be an older generation thing. When mum lost her babies (incl still born twins) back in the 60s, the attitude to her seemed to be appalling. Her MIL came in to hospital the day after the twins died and told her to stop moping and come home, she had a husband abd son who needed looking after. The general attitude was that she fucked up and a discrete slightly disapproving silence was the best she could expect.

When my SIL had a MC about 13 yrs ago, everyone made a big fuss of her, flowers and sympathy. Mum was so distressed - it brought it all back to her how badly she had been treated.

A MC was seen as an embarrassing failure in her day I think Sad

babybarrister · 09/08/2010 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thing1Thing2 · 09/08/2010 09:34

I think the majority of women I know have had a miscarriage. That is probably because most of the women I know had babies late in life and so the probability is so much higher. I don't know anyone who has lost a child.

So ballstoit its not like planning for Christmas.

sanielle · 09/08/2010 09:41

I really hate it when people ask you why you bought something... Because "they" didn't do it till the day before... really winds me up. Just because someone is excited and wants to buy a gift for their baby it really doesn't matter when they do it... Also not everyone cand afford to buy everythign in one big shop from John Lewis some of us have to plan ahead... sales, etc

If I have a miscarriage today I will be devastated. I won't think, oh shit, wish I hadn't spent all that money on clothes. Hmm

Thing1Thing2 · 09/08/2010 09:46

Sanielle - do people often tell you that they didn't buy something til the day before? [sceptical]

It must happen to you quite often for it to wind you up Wink

Thing1Thing2 · 09/08/2010 09:47

oppp s Hmm

jobobpip08 · 09/08/2010 09:47

Totally tactless. I had a m/c at 12+ weeks the first time I was pregnant, it was a total shock and I was devastated and had depression afterwards. No-one I knew had had a m/c. Her DH doesn't see it as too bad as a) its his mum and hes probably used to these kind of things and b) he hadn't had a chance to get into the whole pregnancy thing and that this was his child.

The big problem with pregnancy loss is nobody talks about it, it is still very much a taboo, no-one realises how common m/c is or indeed I'm sure alot of people think stillbirths don't really happen now either (I can vouch that they do). So many people make tactless comments - its for the best, there must have been something wrong, you can have another.....I won't go on.

I can totally see why it still wrankles. If that was me it would. A 'sorry' would have been nice.

sanielle · 09/08/2010 09:51

My point is it is hurtful.. I have been told off by friends (who really did not buy anything until the week before they were due..) for "jinxing myself". Sorry that isn't how miscarriage works. Miscarriages do happen but pregnant women have enough on their plate without being told it's best not to buy their baby a jumper.. because you never know..

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