Is this MIL being unreasonable after a friend's MC?

[LucyLouLou]

This has been playing on my mind so I thought I'd ask for opinions. I'm pretty sure the MIL is bang out of order but I'm not sure if it came out of real heartlessness or genuine stupidity. This happened a long while ago, but my friend spoke to me about it the other day and it's still a sore point for her.

Basically, my friend has a beautiful one-year-old DD, but about a year earlier she had a MC (at about 14 weeks I believe). I did not know her then by all accounts she was pretty much a mess for weeks which is kinda an obvious reaction after such a horrible loss. Anyway, a week before the MC happened, my friend and her DH had gone shopping for the major baby items. Totally excited about it, they invited PILs round to look at what they had bought. MIL had always been a bit off with my friend but generally they had been getting along better since the pregnancy.

Fast forward to post-MC, my friend and her DH, both obviously devastated, arrive home from hospital to PILs at their house. My friend wanted to be alone with her DH (understandably), PILs lingered in the house, eventually leaving after about an hour. On the way our the door, MIL said the following about the baby shopping:

"Well if you hurry up and take all that stuff back to xxxx, you can get your money back now"

Then she exited without saying anything else.

Is it just me or is this unbelievably offensive? This woman has a history of being rather brash and outspoken, but this to me is just way out of line. My friend was obviously devastated and angered at the comment, but her DH was more inclined to write if off as just insensitive.

I would never be that heartless as to make a comment like that to someone who has just suffered an MC, but I'm not sure I could imagine being that insensitive either. I don't think my friend was overreacting to get angry, I think her DH was too dismissive tbh (although I didn't say that much to her). MIL out of line either way though right?

comewhinewithme just wanted to say after reading your post, I am so sorry

Sweetkitty my DM told me our flat was too small for 2 DCs, and that my body clearly wasn't designed to be pregnant (in the phonecall where I told her about my MC).
Although we have a good relationship in general, she is not going to be told at all about my second mc.

So you are saying you would feel the grief as acutely as the mother?

Maybe it is different for the mother of the person who has miscarried or maybe I am just different to you but when friends and sister suffered m/cs I felt sad for them because they have lost but I would never have pretended that I was grieving the loss of their child.

When people talk about miscarriage they seem to forget that one in six pregnancies end this way within the first trimester. Although it is sad it is not remotely the same as losing a child.

Clearly, if the miscarriage is later on in the pregnancy it is more upsetting for all (however OP does not clarify this).

Yes, maybe it IS different for the mother of the person who miscarried - not only grieving for the loss of a grandchild, but grieving for the sadness and loss your own child is suffering. No matter how old your child is, the natural instinct to protect them from hurt never leaves you.

Ali But would you have told them if they hurry up they can get their money back on baby items? Op has stated the m/c was around 14 weeks. I think the OP is saying the mil could have been a little more concerned with the emotional side of things, rather than the material things. 'I'm sorry' is always a good place to start, even if you don't know what else to say.

ComeWhineWithMe so for you, big hugs. My Mum had bought 2 'going home from hospital' outfits and took them back when DS2 was stillborn. Its wasn't a financial thing, it was just a shock reaction to what had happened, she had also got a basket of baby things ready but couldn't bear the thought of saving them for the next baby, she gave them away . The really sad thing is I would have loved the outfits to put in the memory box but I only found out after.

"So you are saying you would feel the grief as acutely as the mother?"

Why would the grief be less for the MIL than mother?

And yes, I can see the difference.

But it´s still her child´s child.

As for my friend, I cried for her, the unfairness of it & yes I think even a little for myself that I would never know the little person who might have been.

AliG you are getting into this daft hierarchy of grief stuff - yes mc is common but the vast majority of people who get pregnant can expect to have their babies successfully. And parents can be devastated by a mc at however many weeks. I don't get what you're trying to achieve by these comments (let's assume upsetting folk wasn't the aim!)