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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this MIL being unreasonable after a friend's MC?

58 replies

LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 00:10

This has been playing on my mind so I thought I'd ask for opinions. I'm pretty sure the MIL is bang out of order but I'm not sure if it came out of real heartlessness or genuine stupidity. This happened a long while ago, but my friend spoke to me about it the other day and it's still a sore point for her.

Basically, my friend has a beautiful one-year-old DD, but about a year earlier she had a MC (at about 14 weeks I believe). I did not know her then by all accounts she was pretty much a mess for weeks which is kinda an obvious reaction after such a horrible loss. Anyway, a week before the MC happened, my friend and her DH had gone shopping for the major baby items. Totally excited about it, they invited PILs round to look at what they had bought. MIL had always been a bit off with my friend but generally they had been getting along better since the pregnancy.

Fast forward to post-MC, my friend and her DH, both obviously devastated, arrive home from hospital to PILs at their house. My friend wanted to be alone with her DH (understandably), PILs lingered in the house, eventually leaving after about an hour. On the way our the door, MIL said the following about the baby shopping:

"Well if you hurry up and take all that stuff back to xxxx, you can get your money back now"

Then she exited without saying anything else.

Is it just me or is this unbelievably offensive? This woman has a history of being rather brash and outspoken, but this to me is just way out of line. My friend was obviously devastated and angered at the comment, but her DH was more inclined to write if off as just insensitive.

I would never be that heartless as to make a comment like that to someone who has just suffered an MC, but I'm not sure I could imagine being that insensitive either. I don't think my friend was overreacting to get angry, I think her DH was too dismissive tbh (although I didn't say that much to her). MIL out of line either way though right?

OP posts:
jobobpip08 · 09/08/2010 09:55

I would also say on the issue of buying early - I sailed through my last pregnancy never expecting a thing to go wrong. It did, 10 days before my due date. I wish I had bought a few more things (we had most of what we needed from DS1) as then I would have had a few more of DS2 things to keep - in those early months the sense of absence is huge, having 'things' does make it a small bit easier.

I have bought things already in this pregnancy, not because I believe anything will go wrong this time, just that its nice to do, to have faith in your body and that you'll prduce a happy healthy baby at the end. Its called being positive.

sanielle · 09/08/2010 10:02

Sorry for your loss jobobpip08.

Big congratulations on your happy news though.

jobobpip08 · 09/08/2010 10:03

Thanks sanielle awful but surprisingly you do survive what life throws at you Smile and I am determined that this one WILL get here safely!

strawberrycake · 09/08/2010 10:08

I'll never forget the death of my brother soon after birth, my mum had triplets (2 girls, 1 boy) but lost one after a week. Her father on his first visit greeted her with 'well it was a shame it was the boy'.

sanielle · 09/08/2010 10:13

I am sur eit will jobob Grin

That is shocking Strawberry... how horrible.. what did she do after that? I dont think I coudl have spoken to him after!

ComeWhineWithMe · 09/08/2010 10:18

The mil is out of order.

My mil took a dress back she had bought for our baby ..after our baby died at 5 weeks old. :(

TooBlessedToBeStressed · 09/08/2010 10:29

*strawberry,,HORRIBLE,,

jobobpip08,,YOU WILLmake it,trust your body and if you were achristian i would tell you,ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE,,wish you the best

this MIL was out of line,,just like mine who on our first formal introduction asked me who in my family was HIV,,wtf

TooBlessedToBeStressed · 09/08/2010 10:30

sorry went off topic there about MIL..

diddl · 09/08/2010 10:36

It was awful, but perhaps her way of dealing with her own grief also?

gemmasetters · 09/08/2010 10:43

Its shocking what some people say. Some of it is possibly being pragmatic, or not thinking or just plain accidentally putting their foot in it (surely we have all been there?!). But you have to wonder with what some people have had said to them.

My own bugbear is relations asking "when am I going to be a Grannie/Auntie/etc" - had it after both of my miscarriages, when I was wondering if I would ever have a child. Can't really fault them as they didn't know, but there should be a law against that question.

Oh, and I know its getting a little off topic but I bought some baby clothes the minute I was preg for the first time and I never regretted it despite 2 mcs - whenever getting and staying pregnant seemed impossible I would get out those clothes and just look at them and it helped. And my 3rd (successful!) pregnancy I bought everything between 20 and 30 weeks, since dd was a December baby and I bought lots second hand at car boot (=no car boots in Winter around here!). It turned out to be a bonus as I was a bit of a mess after 30 weeks - the size a whale and with SPD as well, I don't think I could have shopped much by then!

Bellepink · 09/08/2010 11:11

Of course it was insensitive!

It's pretty much a non-brainer rather than an IABU topic.

TakeLovingChances · 09/08/2010 17:06

tooblessedtobestressed I love your name Wink

Why did she ask who in your family had HIV? A bit odd imo.

midori1999 · 09/08/2010 17:43

thing1thing2 what an insensitive thing to say. (but you knew that anyway!)

We started buying things for our twins after our 12 weeks scan, as, tbh, we assumed all would be fine. I already had three pregnancies with no problems and assumed this one would be the same. Then my waters broke just before 15 weeks, I was on bedrest and what was going to happen was very uncertain, but we knew it likely we'd lose both twins, so we didn't/couldn't buy anything else. We did lose them after they were born at 23+5, one lived for 15 minutes, one for 9 days.

If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I'll still buy things after 12 weeks. Maybe not big things, but thinsg that, should the worst happen, we'd be able to keep for a future baby. Part of being pregnant is about being able to get excited and look forward to things, I have been affected enough by what has happened, I am not going to let it ruin a future pregnancy as well.

There's no excuse for someone making such a stupid, insensitive comment.

ormrenewed How absolutely awful for your Mother, I feel so sad for her that she wasn't truly allowed to grieve for her babies andx was expected to just get on with it. Sad

girlwithsparklyhair · 09/08/2010 19:25

After I had a MC I actually could not believe how tactless some people were.

My manager at the time was also pg, she sent an email round to announce her pregnancy the day I returned to work, went on and on about the icy weather and how she was afraid of slipping, went through a menu for a meal we had to attend - made me get the menu up on her screen then said "can't eat that, that, and that...lucky you, you can eat anything though". Another friend phoned me the week after my mc to tell me she was pregnant as she thought it might cheer me up. Haven't spoken to her since.

AliGrylls · 09/08/2010 19:46

diddl, why would the MIL be suffering grief? It was not actually her loss and the loss felt after a miscarriage is generally only felt by the mother and father. Personally, I think she was just being insensitive.

People are really insensitive after a miscarriage. The number of people who said "well it is probably for the best" really got on my wick. It might have been but how did they know and it bloody doesn't feel like that at the time.

Placketsleigh · 09/08/2010 19:47

Could your MIL have had a MC but is of the opinion that these things are not talked about and so has never said anything?

Placketsleigh · 09/08/2010 19:48

sorry, not "your MIL", the MIL in question

funtimewincies · 09/08/2010 19:56

As others have said, mc is an area where people seem to say the most hurtful things, things which they wouldn't dream of saying to someone who had just experienced the death of a relative or friend.

I had an ectopic and then ds1, who was a twin. I mc'd the twin somewhere around 11 weeks. DM's comment a few weeks later that it was 'time to forget' the twin and 'get on with the one you've got' Sad really stung. She had the sense to keep her mouth shut during the next 3 mcs.

(I've since had another gorgeous ds Smile).

YANBU!

StormyWeather · 09/08/2010 20:00

AliGrylls, I can assure you quite categorically that if any of my grown up daughters or my daughter in law suffered a miscarriage, I would be grieving right alongside them. My grandchildren mean just as much to me as my own children do.

Of course, my sympathies are extended to any ladies who have suffered this most awful of losses.

diddl · 09/08/2010 20:31

AliGrylls-because her prospective grandchild had died?

Do you really think that a mother/MIL wouldn´t feel her own grief?

Jesus, I cried when my friend mcd-shouldn´t I have done-afterall, the baby was not related to me at all.

thefirstmrsDeVere · 09/08/2010 20:36

I am so sorry for the losses and sad stories on this thread. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

I had an early MC many years ago. Between DD and DS1. I was very upset for a short while. I wont pretend I was devastated. I got pg with DS very soon after and I am sure that helped a great dea.

When I went back to work after the mc the domestics (cleaners) all knew. I worked in the A&E dept and confidentiality wasnt great in those days.
They all asked 'what had I been up to?' and if 'I had been out dancing'. That wasnt very nice to hear. But they were really lovely ladies. They were all in their late 50s (this was about 20 years ago) so I suppose it was just their way.

I bought stuff right from the start with DD. I had to. I was skint and had to buy stuff where I could. I have bought stuff much later with DCs 4 & 5. Apart from bargains on Ebay that I couldnt miss.

I think it makes sense to wait a bit but I hate the assumption that if you buy stuff earlier you are asking for trouble.

If magical thinking really worked, my DD would be alive.

Original poster
LucyLouLou · 09/08/2010 21:54

Wow so many responses! I figured this would probably be a topic for strong opinions. FWIW, AFAIK the MIL in question had not had an MC (though it's entirely plausible that she had and it had been kept from the (adult) children). I am of the opinion that, from the way my friend described her, that the woman is devoid of tact anyway. There are other stories about her that have been recounted to me. IMO it was totally inappropriate for the ILs to be hanging about at the house anyway. They were entirely aware of what had happened and what time my friend and her DH would be arriving home. But still they stayed. I suppose that I can imagine might have come out of sympathy and genuinely thinking they could be of some use or support, but that comment about the money was at best disgustingly insensitive. I would've found it hard to deal with as well.

As for buying things early, I think they both just got so excited they wanted to buy something to make it feel real, if that makes sense.

Thanks for sharing your stories, I'm so sad for all of you who have had losses, wish I could come hug every last one of you.

OP posts:
iamfabregasted · 09/08/2010 21:59

Some people are just tactless unfeeling bastards. Sorry but that is how it is.

ex-MIL (again - I could write a book, honestly) when I had a mc of DD1 (who is DC3) twin at 15 weeks breezily told me not to worry, what was all the fuss about I still had one left.

I remember the shock on her oh so religious face when I said "If I'd just had my fucking leg cut off you wouldn't say well its OK you stlil have another one would you?"

Evilstupidwickednastymare

And breathe.

Lindax · 09/08/2010 22:24

some people really have a knack of putting their feet in their mouths without realising how hurtful they are being - some I can see its genuine, others e.g. MIL's who have been pregnant/mothers should know better.

I still remember (it was about 19 years ago!)when friend had a very late MC and then went onto have twins - when pregnant she was told by work collegue - "oh thats great, and it will make up for the one you lost........." - wtf!

sweetkitty · 09/08/2010 22:32

I can understand why your friend cannot let it go, very hurtful comments stay in your mind forever and you recall them a lot.

My own not so DM told me "that maybe it was for the best that I was having a MC as 3 DC would be expensive" another friend told me "well maybe it was a boy and you cannot carry boys!" I had 2 DDs at the time