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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you rarely saw your much loved (apparently) grandchildren, wouldn't you grab any chance you could?

61 replies

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 11:48

Say you had planned to go somewhere about an hour's drive away for the day that was nowhere special, no special event, no tickets etc. ie. you could go there any time.

Say your DS and DIL ran you in the morning and invited you over for the day to play with the DGCs (also about an hour's drive) as they (DS and DIL) had a rare free weekend day (as DS often works weekends).

Say you only saw them once every 6-8 weeks and you professed that you loved them a lot and loved spending time with them, and you complained about how little you did get a chance to see them.

AIBU to think that most people would grab the chance and say 'hey ho, we'll go where we planned to another weekend - we'll be with you in a couple of hours'?

My PIL bemuse me! Confused

OP posts:
Ceebee74 · 08/08/2010 11:58

I am too bemused by my own parents for similar reasons!

They always complain they don't see enough of my DC but last time they came over to my Dsis to see all their GC, they both sat in the lounge watching Wimbledon rather than actually interacting with any of their GC.

The time before that, we went to visit on the way back from holiday and it was clear we were an inconvenience to them (they had been up all night watching the election results and I know they were tired but still....)

Me and DH were very much like this Hmm

Ceebee74 · 08/08/2010 11:59

Meant to add that my mum is always moaning at me about not seeing enough of my DC etc etc....and she wonders why Hmm

Katisha · 08/08/2010 12:01

Well YABslightlyU to expect them to drop their plans because you decided only on the day that you were available.
Some people have a bit of trouble changing their mindset if they have planned something.

ginhag · 08/08/2010 12:06

Maybe they felt a bit hurt that you didn't think to ask them before...may have made them feel a bit like you had originally had something 'better' to do that fell through?

violethill · 08/08/2010 12:06

PIL can be weird, but I also think it's a bit weird to just assume when you ring in the morning that they will alter their plans.

Do you only find out on the Sat morning whether you're needed to work that day?

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 12:08

I wasn't expecting them too, or assuming that they will; and I'm not hurt either.

I just can't understand the mindset! I just know I'd be round like a shot if it were me!

And they know we never know from weekend to the next what DH will be doing wrt to work.

Oh, and I asked them if we could please get some dates down so that this 'short notice' scenario didn't happen any more, and they keep saying yes, but then they keep putting off actually getting some dates down!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 12:10

Oh yeah, and not an AIBU by stealth, but they have previous for doing things wrt the DCs that I can't get my head round, like not coming to birthday parties they were invited to over 2 weeks ahead of because they had already planned to go Christmas shopping Hmm.

I'm honestly not angry, just bemused! And wondering how many other people wouldn't change their plans to do something you often don't get to do, but which you say you love doing!

OP posts:
violethill · 08/08/2010 12:10

But how can they give you dates if you never know from one weekend to the next when your DH is working?

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/08/2010 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clouddragon · 08/08/2010 12:11

my FIL often says he would love to see the kids more, still hasn't made it up here (4 hours away) in the last 3 years. Infact make that 4 as we made the effort last time.

(not that I really miss his racist, Daily Mail coated comments.)

googietheegg · 08/08/2010 12:12

You know, I think this is a bit like saying 'why don't fat people just eat less instead of wingeing about being overweight' - the fact is, people can 'say' that they want a certain thing to happen (like 'I want to be a size 12') but when the opportunity actually arises where something could be done about it '(like saying no to a piece of cake or walking instead of taking the car) they actually don't want 'the result' as much as they think they do.

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 12:13

violet - because I said that we could arrange dates where we could go there, or that they could come here when DH was working in the hope that sometimes he'd get the day off.

TMMM - really? IABU to think that if it were me I'd want to see my grandchildren? Not sure why that's BU but never mind! Hmm

Oh, and seriously, I'm not bothered - I'd rather not see them TBH, as they annoy me! Grin But that's not the point.

OP posts:
ben5 · 08/08/2010 12:14

my mil is like this. the last weekend we invited here down to our house before we moved to oz she spent most of the time watching golf because a uk bloke was in the final. she left early the monday morning ( she had been with us from the sat pm) because she would miss the boys so much?! so why didn't she play with them over the weekend or sit outside with us watching them play with there friends?!
her and her golf drive me crazey!!

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 12:15

Googie - I think that's it. I still can't get my head round it though! I know I'd be jumping at the chance, as would my parents (who make a huge effort to see the children loads and loads - they live the same distance away as PIL, yet see the DCs twice a week). I think you're right - what people say and actually, genuinely think are two different things!

Would you say something next time they complained? I'm often desperate to say 'well, you say that you don't get enough chance to see them, but when you get a chance, you don't take it up, so please don't have a go at us about it'!

OP posts:
spiritmum · 08/08/2010 12:18

I wouldn't stress yourself out by worrying about it. They are happy with their plans, and you and dh aren't angry/hurt, an dpresumably the dc are okay?

So why get fussed? Isn't everyone happy?

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 12:20

I'm not fussed or stressed, just bemused and wondering if they're weird not wanting to see the DCs yet complaining about not seeing them enough, or if I'm weird in thinking I'd be trying to see them as often as possible!

OP posts:
violethill · 08/08/2010 12:20

Agree with spiritmum. Your dcs also see their other grandparents twice a week, which is loads, so I don't think anyone is missing out; in fact I should think some time with just nuclear family is pleasant.

DuelingFanjo · 08/08/2010 12:23

YABU - whever you are pissed off about already had plans.

Original poster
MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 12:26

OMG! Why don't people read the whole thread!?

I AM NOT PISSED OFF!

I am asking what you all would feel if it were you? I can't understand them not wanting to see the children instead and postponing their visit. I don't care that they haven't, I just don't understand it. I don't like seeing them, so I really, genuinely don't mind.

OP posts:
violethill · 08/08/2010 12:31

I think you're over thinking it then.

Maybe they just like to stick to the plan they'd already made for the day?

Maybe they know that the other gp's visit twice weekly, so they say things like 'ooh I wish we saw more of the grandchildren' but are really thinking 'bloody hell, twice a week, can't be doing with that!'

Who knows?

You actually say in your OP that they see them every 6/8 weeks anyway, which is quite a lot tbh, more than many extended families do (or want) so I really don't think it's an issue for anyone - them or you.

spiritmum · 08/08/2010 12:34

MrsW, I have read the whole thread and I get that you're not pissed off - but you are chewing it over enough to post on here about it.

Half the world do things that I don't understand, and I guess that I do things that seem pretty incomprehensible, too. It's because we all really live in different stories, different worlds. You live in a world where grandparents drop eveything to see their family. They live in a world where actually they rather fancied going to xxxx so they'll see you whenever. There's no rights and wrongs here, just different stories about what is 'normal'. All you need to understand is that their story about what families do isn't the same as yours.

DuelingFanjo · 08/08/2010 12:35

you want to put a stop to the short notice thing?

yet you are confused about why they don't want to change their plans at short notice, right?

ginhag · 08/08/2010 12:38

I think maybe it's the 'much loved (apparently)' bit in your OP that makes it sound like you are pissed off...it certainly sounds like you are questioning whether they actually care about their grandchildren... You may not be pissed off and I'm not saying you are, but the OP could be read like that quite easily.

My parents absolutely adore my ds but I doubt they would drop everything if I rang one morning and said 'hi, we're home, come over...' I know you said you have asked them for dates before but surely you knew before this morning that your DH wouldn't be working today?

hocuspontas · 08/08/2010 12:40

I think when people say they don't see gcs enough, they are hinting about YOU coming over to them! Why don't they want to come to you? They know you don't like them! They would probably come more if they felt they were welcome.

emptyshell · 08/08/2010 12:42

Maybe they felt slightly annoyed at being picked up at the last minute and wanted to stick to their guns to prove a point? I know my mum would have really taken umbrage to being asked at the last minute to cancel her plans for similar (kinda immaterial since she's 3 hours drive away anyway) - heck even my mother-in-law who is about the most devoted mum to her kids going (wish she'd stop picking 9am on a Sunday morning to ring for a chat though) and waiting eagerly for grandkids - she'd possibly have been wound up by that one.

You can't treat people like that - pick them up as and when it suits you - they've got their life and their plans, insignificant as it might seem to you and yours it's unresonable to expect them to live in limbo, hanging on the end of the phone on the offchance that you ring them and want to see them that same day.

If they were going out somewhere nice - why didn't you offer to go and join them and have a family day out somewhere? Or meet them for lunch wherever they're going - would have been a nice half-way compromise. Or plan something for next weekend? Lots of ways to work around it that don't raise the hackles of people concerned.

You're obviously cheesed off about it because you've come to post on here.