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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you rarely saw your much loved (apparently) grandchildren, wouldn't you grab any chance you could?

61 replies

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 11:48

Say you had planned to go somewhere about an hour's drive away for the day that was nowhere special, no special event, no tickets etc. ie. you could go there any time.

Say your DS and DIL ran you in the morning and invited you over for the day to play with the DGCs (also about an hour's drive) as they (DS and DIL) had a rare free weekend day (as DS often works weekends).

Say you only saw them once every 6-8 weeks and you professed that you loved them a lot and loved spending time with them, and you complained about how little you did get a chance to see them.

AIBU to think that most people would grab the chance and say 'hey ho, we'll go where we planned to another weekend - we'll be with you in a couple of hours'?

My PIL bemuse me!

OP posts:

violethill · 08/08/2010 12:45

You can't equate love with the number of hours spent with family.

I really think that you need to try stepping into their shoes for a moment too. Imagine the scenario: the other grandparents, the maternal ones, see the grandchildren twice a week, even though they live equally far away. That's a massive thing, and far more frequent than many gps would visit. So, maybe the paternal grandparents feel either, 'Goodness, we can't possibly live up to that, we've got too much going on in our own lives, ' so they talk a lot about missing the grandkids, and wanting to see them, but this is more to assure you that they aren't 'second rate' gps just because they aren't over with you every week?

Or, another thought, as your parents visit twice weekly, they may well be thinking, 'DIL doesn't want us descending every two minutes, they need family time without gp's around'

You make it plain on here that you'd rather not see them because 'they annoy you' - do you think there's a chance they may pick up on this, and prefer to keep a bit of distance? Particularly if they make a date to visit and then your DH (their son) is at work anyway, so they're visiting just the grandchildren and the DIL who finds them annoying?

LaundryLyne · 08/08/2010 12:51

YABU. How do you know that they weren't also doing something else essential that day, that they didn't want to tell you about?

Firawla · 08/08/2010 12:53

yabu they had plans, why should they drop everything and come running, its a bit much to expect. doesnt mean they dont love their dgc. ffs what an ott conclusion to draw

Original poster

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 13:00

Ok, IABU. I am the weird one. Shame! Can't wait 'til I have grandchildren - I'll be round there with them as often as I'm tolerated!

OP posts:

LetThereBeRock · 08/08/2010 13:06

YABU.They had plans.There's nothing wrong with them wanting to go where they'd planned to.
People are allowed to participate in and enjoy other activities besides spending time with their grandchildren.

It doesn't mean that they don't love them.

ragged · 08/08/2010 13:11

I have similar issues with my folks, they could easily see more of DC if they wanted .
I imagine that OP's inlaws like things predictable (so don't like last minute changes in plans) or they were just very much looking forward to their other plans.

marula · 08/08/2010 13:14

Why should they?
they may have planned a lovely day out together.\My father locves his GC but he also loves his gardens - and does not do change very easily
6-8 weeks is not rarely imo

googietheegg · 08/08/2010 13:19

I think it's about 'simply' accepting that they don't really mean what they say. They know they 'should' say that they miss the GC, would love to see you all more etc etc, but when a 'real life' choice (i.e changing plans) presents itself, they actually wanted to do x more than see you/their GC.

It's hard to accept, but if they wanted to see you and the GC more, they would.

I also think that a lot of Dils get into thinking that their PiLs should want to see the GC at any cost - how ever much of a drive it is, however 'hectic' the children are, how ever short notice it is, however much the Dil doesn't actually like the Pils (it's always very easy to see). Why should they?

I do know how painful it is though - my mum is the queen of saying that she really, really wants a certain thing to happen, or that we'll do a certain thing together next time we go to visit, but it never, ever happens. She keeps doing it and it never changes, so the only option I've had was to change 'how much I believed her' when she said these things.

Perhaps this is worth a try? Rather than you thinking 'oh, you keep saying how much the GCs and how much you'd love to see them, so it doesn't make sense if you don't take me up on an offer to make that happen' but rather think that they don't really mean what they say to the extent that they say it.

Ideaswelcome · 08/08/2010 13:22

6-8 weeks is rarely imo, mine see their grandchildren usually twice a week. We live about half an hour away, probably 50% we do journey 50% they do.

I understand you're not pissed off, more finding their attitude slightly bizarre, which it is if they weren't doing anything 'special'. I've found that the older people are the more they find it difficult to change their plans/adapt

auburnlizzy78 · 08/08/2010 13:30

I don't think you're wrong to feel bemused, OP, I totally agree with you.

Agree also with Ideaswelcome. My mum is a bit like this - to get her to come up to mine in the same WEEK that she has another engagement (i.e. doctor's appointment) or, god forbid, or her usual shopping day, is sometimes a challenge!

2old4thislark · 08/08/2010 13:42

You're not weird - others aren't reading the whole thread so don't understand that you don't know what your DH is working until last minute. Or that you're just bemused rather than annoyed. Oh, the joy of Mumsnet!

I understand though - my parents are the same. My nephew came down and stayed overnight with me last week. I haven't seen him in five years and my parents haven't seen him in about 2 years. They always say they don't see him enough but were content with a 30 minute visit...............

It seems that older people are very good at saying but not so good at doing. Set in their ways etc.

undercovamutha · 08/08/2010 13:53

YABU to give them such short notice.
Best to plan things a bit more in advance next time.

My DSis does similar thing - aways last minute - and I am always left feeling as though someone else has cancelled and I have been squeezed into an available 'window' in an otherwise busy diary!

ginhag · 08/08/2010 13:58

I read the whole thread...first saw it when it was first posted. I don't think the OP is 'weird' at all but did feel there are generally two sides to these things.

I do think that the '(apparently)' in the OP has very negative connotations, and I do think it is unlikely that the OP's DH only found out this morning that he didn't have to work.

spiritmum · 08/08/2010 14:08

It's not about 'weird' for yo or for your PIL - you just see things differently, that's all. They believe that you don't measure love by being prepared to drop everything to see family; you do. That's fine, but you'll only make yourself unhappy if you try to make their actions fit in with your world view, because it - not droping everything - means something different to you than it does to them.

My guess is that you'd imagined a special day (however much you claim your PILs annoy you) and now it's going to be very different, so you feel hurt and disappointed, and because you don't understand it you say you're bemused.

Your beliefs about how families do things are different to theirs, that's all. And when you're a grandparent you may find they've changed again - they do, you know.

thesecondcoming · 08/08/2010 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pranma · 08/08/2010 14:12

Well I would drop everything unless it was something really special but I only live 20 mins away from dd and the others are too far for last minute visits.For me nothing is nicer than time with dgc but none of my dc or their dp are ever at all judgy of us so being with them is a pleasure-I cant imagine any of them criticising me on here[or me criticising them].

fruitful · 08/08/2010 14:25

My parents would do this. They wouldn't be able to cope with changing their plans at short notice. And they're not old, they just don't do spontanaity (which I can't spell!).

They also complain endlessly that they don't get to see their gcs enough, and then they visit and sit on our sofa and talk about themselves while the beloved gcs get bored and go and play outside. In marked contrast to MIL, who would abandon me in the living room and follow the children to play with them. And talk to them.

I think my parents like the idea of having lovely gcs, but find the reality to be too much effort. I think I should just send them videos ...

And as to how I feel - I'm hurt that my parents don't love my children enough to make any effort (at all) for them. But I've given up stressing about it, and am now trying to work out how we can possibly move closer to the lovely ILs.

tethersend · 08/08/2010 14:36

OP, testing grandparents' love for their grandchildren by inviting them round at short notice does not say 'bemused'. It says 'bizarre'.

Original poster

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 08/08/2010 14:36

Seriously, it is not an issue for me in terms of me being upset. We were pottering around doing gardening work today anyway. It doesn't upset me in the slightest. I don't take offence, and my oldest doesn't even like them that much, anyway, so it's not about being offended on my DC's behalf either.

What I am saying is that I would not be like that and was wondering how many other people would be. Wondering if my PIL are a bit odd in the way they see their DGCs, or if it's normal and, in fact, my parents, for example, are the odd ones for wanting to spend so much time with them.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2010 14:37

think pepole are missing the point
the op doesnt understand why the GPs go on about how they never get a chance to see the GCs but when such a chance presents itself they don't make tiny adjustments to theor plans to take advantage of that.
It's like people who winge about how unlucky they are - barring wonderful or unfortunate life events, we mostly make our own luck

StealthPolarBear · 08/08/2010 14:39

An analogy is: you plan to spend the whole day at the park. You suddenly get free tickets for the local theme park which youve been wanting to go to but not been able to afford, for that day only. Hey, but you already had plans...

spiritmum · 08/08/2010 14:39

Mrs. Wobble, it's all normal. What your parents do is normal for them, what your pils do is normal for them, what you do now and what you do in the future is normal for you.

Difference is what makes the world so interesting. If you're not hurt by it, let it go.

tethersend · 08/08/2010 14:41

OP has questioned the fact that the grandparents love their grandchildren based on them not changing their plans and coming round at short notice.

Just because their world does not revolve around the grandchildren doesn't mean they don't love them.

spiritmum · 08/08/2010 14:45

Exactly. Realize that it's normal and there's nothing to worry/ponder about.

tethersend · 08/08/2010 14:46

Stealth, a better analogy might be if you really wanted a particular cake but found it difficult to get hold of. You get it from time to time, but you would like to have it more as you love this cake. One morning you get up and have a huge fried breakfast when the baker rings and says "I have your favourite cake; but you must come round and eat it NOW". You are full of bacon and egg and just don't want the cake right now. Does that mean you no longer love the cake?

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