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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell friend not to marry him?

61 replies

MrsIndianaJones2 · 07/08/2010 23:35

Hello! Newbie here, but have been reading the AIBU board and laughing so much a little bit of wee might have leaked out... Blush

Hoping there will be some good advice for me (and some chuckles).

My best mate phoned me this evening to tell me she's getting married. She and her bf have been together 5 yrs - she's always said she didn't want to get married (she's a bit kooky and retro and alternative). Now she's picking rings.

Two things bother me: one - as you might guess, I'm not a...fan...of her bf. He's more like her child than her partner ('Bob* doesn't speak during breakfast, he's not a morning person' - even when there are guests; 'Bob only really likes kebabs for dinner'; 'Bob wouldn't like it if i stayed away for more than one night'). She uses a special voice when she speaks to him, and basically cajoles him into stuff like a two-year-old. He's financially incontinent, has no career prospects, because he didn't 'enjoy' college, so gave up, still has acne at the age of 28... I could go on, but I shouldn't.

The other thing is that she sounded, well, flat, when she told me. Maybe cos she's sensed I think he's a waste of clean drinking water (NEVER said anything, obv). She just didn't sound excited, not properly. I've heard her more animated about finding the perfect fabric for a craft project.

So - AIBU to think I should say something?

*p.s. He's not called Bob. Obviously. He's called 'Dumbass'.

OP posts:
aleene · 07/08/2010 23:37

No you should not say anything.

And having acne is not really a choice for him so you can hardly hold that against him.

Just be there for her if it goes tits up.

fairycake123 · 07/08/2010 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 07/08/2010 23:41

Wow, thanks fairycake123. Helpful. I was looking for some advice. Nice of you to be so friendly to a newbie. Maybe you can't read, but the message at the top of my page says: #
"Note: Please bear in mind that this topic encourages posters to give their opinions - i.e. they might disagree with you. That said, in line with our Talk policy elsewhere, we don't allow personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is. Do report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ"

OP posts:
fairycake123 · 07/08/2010 23:42

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aviatrix · 07/08/2010 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LauraKB · 07/08/2010 23:44

I would be in the other camp TBH but it is a TOTAL minefield.

You have to decide if you are prepared to let her throw her life away on dumbass and ending up unhappy when you could have said something to prevent that happening, or alternatively you are prepared to risk losing your friendship if she takes your well meaning 'are you sure you're doing the right thing' badly.

I had a sort of similar-but-different situation with a friend of mine when she got engaged and told her she needed to bear in mind this was for the rest of her life and she needed to decide where she wanted to be in 5 years time. It was different cos I wasn't slagging off her now husband cos he's alright.

Tippychoocks · 07/08/2010 23:44

That is a bit rude fairycakes. It's not nice to criticise someone for a medical complaint they cannot help, agreed, but I think the OP was using it for illustrative purposes (to hammer home the teenage dirtbag point). Wrong and thoughtless maybe but still, your reaction seems a little extreme.

fairycake123 · 07/08/2010 23:48

Tippy - idgi: what has adult acne (or acne at any age, for that matter) got to do with "teenage dirtbags"?

MollieO · 07/08/2010 23:48

Not sure how having acne can be considered a character flaw Hmm.

If you feel so strongly then 5 years is a very long time not to say anything at all. It seems you aren't much of a friend and if you did say something I doubt your friend would value your opinion.

warthog · 07/08/2010 23:50

you can't say a word, you really can't. just be there for her.

Tippychoocks · 07/08/2010 23:51

Oh for goodness sake I don't know. It's not my post, it struck me that that was what she was trying to get across.
I'm really not going to debate it on the OP's behalf. I just wanted to point out that your response was quite strongly worded and I would consider it rude, just as you considered her comments to be rude.

gerontius · 07/08/2010 23:52

It sounds as though you don't like him and have decided that he's a Bad Person. His acne has nothing to do with it. And I bet she doesn't talk to him all the time in a "special voice".

fairycake123 · 07/08/2010 23:52

Ok :)

Tippychoocks · 07/08/2010 23:53

grand. Smile

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 07/08/2010 23:56

Wow - you know what? Never mind. I was trying to leaven a potentially sad sounding post with a bit of humour, but apparently that gives posters license to be incredibly offensive. The comment about the acne was a throwaway one. He is a child, to all intents and purposes, and not an equal partner to her. She treats him as such. That's what worries me.

Thanks to those who did bother to answer with some advice, am now crying, as much from the sheer horribleness here as from worrying about what to say to my friend, and off to email the owners of this website to ask them to cancel my subscription. I thought this was meant to be a forum for people to help one another, not cause hurt. Thanks.

OP posts:
stressheaderic · 07/08/2010 23:57

Christ, AIBU's fierce tonight.

Don't say owt, OP. Just be there when it goes tits up.

mumeeee · 07/08/2010 23:58

YABU. It's up to her if she wants to marry him and it's nothing to do with you. If you do say something she'll probably get in a huff with you and I wouldn't blame her.

fairycake123 · 07/08/2010 23:59

Dude. Seriously. There is no way you can say anything to her. Think about it: what happens if you tell her what you think of him, and she decides to go ahead and marry him anyway? You'll have ruined your friendship. She's an adult. Let her make her own mistakes/decisions. The best you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if/when it all goes tits up.

LauraKB · 07/08/2010 23:59

Its isn't always like that MrsIJ2, but you do seem to have been attacked rather I agree. Try not to take it personally, although I know its hard, x.

Tippychoocks · 07/08/2010 23:59

Ah don't cry. It's just strongly worded opinions, nobody knows you, it's not personal.

gerontius · 08/08/2010 00:01

You really can't say anything, as it's none of your business, and will probably ruin your relationship forever.

RealEyesRealiseRealLies · 08/08/2010 00:05

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aleene · 08/08/2010 00:05

Don't give up on MN yet. Just have to be prepared for a variety of opinions. Don't take it personally. If we all did that MN would be empty.

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:07

Thanks - but being called a 'cunt' isn't really a 'variety of opinions'. It's just plain FUCKING RUDE. Mumsnet? MafiaNet. I'm off.

OP posts:
gerontius · 08/08/2010 00:08

One poster isn't the whole of Mumsnet. And to be honest, you were pretty rude in the first place.

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