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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell friend not to marry him?

61 replies

MrsIndianaJones2 · 07/08/2010 23:35

Hello! Newbie here, but have been reading the AIBU board and laughing so much a little bit of wee might have leaked out... Blush

Hoping there will be some good advice for me (and some chuckles).

My best mate phoned me this evening to tell me she's getting married. She and her bf have been together 5 yrs - she's always said she didn't want to get married (she's a bit kooky and retro and alternative). Now she's picking rings.

Two things bother me: one - as you might guess, I'm not a...fan...of her bf. He's more like her child than her partner ('Bob* doesn't speak during breakfast, he's not a morning person' - even when there are guests; 'Bob only really likes kebabs for dinner'; 'Bob wouldn't like it if i stayed away for more than one night'). She uses a special voice when she speaks to him, and basically cajoles him into stuff like a two-year-old. He's financially incontinent, has no career prospects, because he didn't 'enjoy' college, so gave up, still has acne at the age of 28... I could go on, but I shouldn't.

The other thing is that she sounded, well, flat, when she told me. Maybe cos she's sensed I think he's a waste of clean drinking water (NEVER said anything, obv). She just didn't sound excited, not properly. I've heard her more animated about finding the perfect fabric for a craft project.

So - AIBU to think I should say something?

*p.s. He's not called Bob. Obviously. He's called 'Dumbass'.

OP posts:
fairycake123 · 08/08/2010 00:08

//Mumsnet? MafiaNet//

SIIIIICKKKK BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!

aleene · 08/08/2010 00:09

Only one person did that. The rest were trying to answer your post in the best way they could.

Fibilou · 08/08/2010 00:13

First time post ending in a flounce due to one person's reply ? How bizarre

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:14

gerontius How was I rude? I was talking about someone none of you have met? I was asking for help, with a situation I don't know how to handle. I was describing a person I don't happen to like - and btw, the quotes I put up are actual things she has said about him over the years.

aleene I know some people were trying to be helpful. I appreciate that. I was looking for some help - but now I still have no idea what to do, and I'm feeling like shit at the same time. Result.

fairycake123 I've reported your post. I think you are a pretty horrible person. I do hope you're just having an off night.

OP posts:
fairycake123 · 08/08/2010 00:15

//I think you are a pretty horrible person.//

OMFG SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET DOESN'T LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ElenorRigby · 08/08/2010 00:16

YANBU unreasonable to have major doubts and worries about this man.

However it's a sad fact many people have to make their own mistakes to learn.

My DP and I were in a similar position when DP's best mate got involved with a woman who we felt strongly was bad news. We were very worried for him for a couple of years.
We both thought intervention ie warning him about her, would have turned him against us.
So we bit our lips and bided are time.

About 5 months ago he found out she had a lover and was sleeping around.

Their relationship is now over, but it only did so when he woke up and realised what she was really like for himself.

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:18

Seriously? I thought this was supposed to be a forum for people to ask for support???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? Why are you being so incredibly awful and hateful?? DO you get off on making people unhappy??? You HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON.

OP posts:
aleene · 08/08/2010 00:18

The general concensus (sp?) is that you can do nothing about this situation. We do all have to make our own mistakes. The only thing you can do is keep listening to your friend and if she starts to have doubts then help her 'explore' them. To be honest when I was newly engaged the last thing I would want is some one trying to tell me I was making a mistake. Life is just not like that.

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:19

Sorry EleanorRigby - that obv wasn't aimed at you, but you posted whilst I was typing. Thanks for your comments. x

OP posts:
aleene · 08/08/2010 00:20

Good post ER.

fairycake123 · 08/08/2010 00:21

OP, I am sorry for swearing at you, it was horrible of me. I had very bad adult acne and it's a subject that really upsets me, but I was wrong to lash out at you. I really am sorry.

FWIW you cannot say anything. Just let her get on with it, and try to be there for her if you can.

confuseddoiordonti · 08/08/2010 00:22

Hey, MrsIndianaJones, don't go!

FWIW I think you need to stay quiet. Not easy but people, from my experience, need to work it out for themselves. Unfortunately.

You still there...?

purpleduck · 08/08/2010 00:22

First rule of AIBU - do not post anything serious after 8 on a weekend. People are drunk. Or pissed off that they are stuck in/ whatever on a weekend. Who knows, just save the serious AIBU for, say... 5 pm on a wed :)

As for your friend - don't say anything. But perhaps the next time your see her, you could say "y'know, I don't know Dumbass all that well - tell me about his good bits" or something more subtle.

Maybe he's incredibly loyal and kind. Maybe she feels very very safe with him -perhaps he has loads of potential and she has faith he will hit his mark one day. Who knows? But she is a big grown up girl, and all you can do is be a proper friend, and support her and DON'T JUDGE!!!

LauraKB · 08/08/2010 00:24

In fairness MrsIJ2, my friend in my similar-but-different situation kind of asked for advice so it wasn't unsolicited. I think I agree there is not a lot you can do, x.

RealEyesRealiseRealLies · 08/08/2010 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

confuseddoiordonti · 08/08/2010 00:26

Hard not to judge I know, but purpleduck is right.

I have several male friends with female partners and, although it is horrid to say, I welcome the day they 'realise'

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:30

Ok guys - have had a cup of tea and read the last few posts - thank you. Feeling better Blush
fairycake123 I'm sorry - I promise you that I actually could care less about his acne, it's not something I really judge him for. Promise! It's the other stuff. I know it can be a totally awful thing to have - and I'm sorry I hit on a sensitive topic. Friends?

purpleduck - that's such a good idea, thank you. I will do that next time I speak to her. Also will remember the first rule of AIBU. Like the first rule of Fight Club?

I think I'll have to bite my tongue, and hope that in fact he is Prince Charming. But not the Prince Charming from Shrek.

OP posts:
QS · 08/08/2010 00:31

Your friend loves this man. She sees past his acne, past his lack of academic abilities, and "financial incontinence", and still wants to marry him. It must be sad for her to know that her best friend views her partner so badly.

Is there a reason he rile you so?

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:32

confuseddoiordonti I'll have to join that club then... Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:37

QS I hope she doesn't know - I've never said a word! I try to be neutral in a way that isn't too obvious IYSWIM - she says she 'loves him enough' (in a tone that implies - well, y'know, love's really not all that exciting) which makes me want to die inside...

He riles me because she is so awesome and he is so not! He drags her down to his level. One silly example of this: she eats good, healthy, nutritious food (waaaay better than I usually manage, and she actually LIKES salad Shock) when he's not around. When he's around she eats takeaway. Because 'he likes it'. In fact, she doesn't actually eat it, she orders it, and leaves three-quarters...

Ok, I'm going to stop there - too much ranting on a Sat night is not good for the soul and you have all convinced me that I shall be there for her, and hope to god she's making the right decision! xx

OP posts:
fairycake123 · 08/08/2010 00:37

Friends Wink (and again, I'm sorry for flying off the handle at a comment that was essentially just light-hearted).

A very good friend of mine got engaged to her boyfriend about 4 years ago. Although the guy was also a very good friend of mine, the whole thing just seemed like the biggest disaster ever: he had a BAD alcohol problem and he was treating her really badly. At the time a mutual friend and I actually staged an intervention: we got the bride-to-be alone and told her that we thought she was making a massive mistake. She listened to us, we talked it through, and she married him anyway.

They've been married 3 years now and they're the strongest couple I know. Sometimes these things do end well, against all the odds!

Original poster
MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 00:39

Well - that's actually pretty reassuring then!
Glad to be friends. Ta for the comments - good to know there can be a great outcome. Fingers crossed!

OP posts:
LauraKB · 08/08/2010 00:43

And on that happy note, so to bed for me. Goodnight all, x.

QS · 08/08/2010 09:43

Your food example made me change my mind.

You SHOULD say something (sorry, I know it is not easy)

When my best friend got engaged to an utter twat, I felt I had to tell her that he had propositioned that me and him have an affair together. It would be ok because nobody but us would know, and with her working hours it would be easy for us to do it. Shock Angry He was even sober when suggesting it, over a coffee in Coffee Republic, while waiting for my friend. The three of us was going home to ours, to see my husband and son.... I was just meeting them in town first.

Any hooooo.

You could try and angle it from the "Darling, I know you love Tom very much, I find it fascinating that you change so much when he is around to accomodate him, like order takeaway that you dont eat rather than the healthy food that you would eat, etc. Why do you think this is? Do you think your married life with him will be much of the same? You know, you falling in with everything he says or does. It is interesting, but you are such an educated woman, with so much sense, but it seems to me that you become so submissive with him."

Or something.
I am sure you can think of an eloquent and non-confrontational way to put it.

Good Luck!

If the friendship is as good, she will welcome your comments. But dont be confrontational, just friendly and quizzical.

superv1xen · 08/08/2010 10:40

yanbu - but don't tell her...as other posters have said, just be there for her to pick up the pieces when if it does go wrong.

i am in a similar situation myself, i am being bridesmaid for my best friend in a couple of weeks, and her hubby to be is a complete arse, lazy, controlling, rubbish prospects, not very nice to my friends DD (from prev relationship), i could go on, he is already making her miserable but she loves him for some reason. :( but i will never say anything because she has got to make her own mistakes and she thinks the sun shines out of his arse so would not listen to me anyway.

hope you are still around OP, dont let this put you off mumsnet. x

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