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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to tell friend not to marry him?

61 replies

MrsIndianaJones2 · 07/08/2010 23:35

Hello! Newbie here, but have been reading the AIBU board and laughing so much a little bit of wee might have leaked out...

Hoping there will be some good advice for me (and some chuckles).

My best mate phoned me this evening to tell me she's getting married. She and her bf have been together 5 yrs - she's always said she didn't want to get married (she's a bit kooky and retro and alternative). Now she's picking rings.

Two things bother me: one - as you might guess, I'm not a...fan...of her bf. He's more like her child than her partner ('Bob* doesn't speak during breakfast, he's not a morning person' - even when there are guests; 'Bob only really likes kebabs for dinner'; 'Bob wouldn't like it if i stayed away for more than one night'). She uses a special voice when she speaks to him, and basically cajoles him into stuff like a two-year-old. He's financially incontinent, has no career prospects, because he didn't 'enjoy' college, so gave up, still has acne at the age of 28... I could go on, but I shouldn't.

The other thing is that she sounded, well, flat, when she told me. Maybe cos she's sensed I think he's a waste of clean drinking water (NEVER said anything, obv). She just didn't sound excited, not properly. I've heard her more animated about finding the perfect fabric for a craft project.

So - AIBU to think I should say something?

*p.s. He's not called Bob. Obviously. He's called 'Dumbass'.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 08/08/2010 10:48

I wonder whether she was really anti marriage at all, but just pretended to be because her BF wasn't interested. And now sensing perhaps that she might be fed up and want to move on he has dangled the carrot of marriage to keep her?

If she seems "flat" about it, you could broach the subject by saying "you don't seem all that excited?" and seeing what comes of that.

mumnerves · 08/08/2010 10:57

One of my best friends married a control freak with a temper the length of a toothpick 15 years ago. All I said to her was are you sure this is what you want and at the time she said yes, so I left it at that. (Won't bore you with details but the way they decided to get married suddenly was also very weird)

10 years and 2 kids later, they broke up because she'd had enough of his controlling ways. She asked me after the divorce why didn't I warn her at the time, and I simply said, if I did would you have listened? She thought about it and said no, and realised that it was her who went through with it. I explained that knowing what she's like she would have just gone ahead with it even more anyway as she is pretty stubborn. She knew where I was coming from and our friendship is still very solid.

Basically what I'm saying is, what's your friend like? If she's stubborn and would go through with it anyway regardless of what you say then just ask her the question I did and support her if she falls. If you genuinely think you have a chance of waking her up before she makes this mistake then talk to her by all means.

My friend, as hard a time as she had, did come away with 2 gorgeous DDs and is now in a stable relationship with 2 DS so there is always a silver lining. She's lucky to have a caring friend like you, but ultimately it's her decision and possibly her mistake to make if she chooses to do so. HTH and hope you manage to make a decision on what to do that you're happy with x

Original poster

MrsIndianaJones2 · 08/08/2010 12:30

Some good suggestions guys, thank you. I think I will try the 'You don't seem that excited - what's up?' approach - we have been friends for 15 years, so we are pretty direct with one another. I was thinking about this again last night, and think maybe she has picked up on my dislike of him, which made her sound 'flat'.

As for QS's suggestion - I'll give that some thought. I might approach it from a slightly different angle, but I think it's a really good idea, thank you.

And yes - I'm still here. Have been briefed on AIBU rules of engagement, and grown an extra layer of skin! xx

OP posts:

superv1xen · 08/08/2010 22:04

let us know what happens mrs I.

thesunshinesbrightly · 08/08/2010 22:21

Her choice not yours.

Original poster

MrsIndianaJones2 · 12/08/2010 16:54

Well - I've tried the 'you seem a bit contained in your reaction, is everything alright? Is it making you nervous?' approach - no joy. Everything is 'fine' apparently.
Am going to give the whole 'I don't really know bumhead your lovely fiance very well, tell me about him' next...

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 12/08/2010 17:07

I am increasingly of the opinion that unless people are trying to hurl themselves off roofs or date violent abusers, you're best keeping your mouth shut about their actions and relationships.

Especially their relationships.

My view is that women are mis-sold a dream of marriage, and for this reason they really really want to get married. Who the guy is can often be less important than the fact that they will have A Wedding and Be Married.

My own best friend married a guy who is lovely and kind but utterly and totally wrong for her in every way possible. I just congratulated her and went to the wedding as I would any other friend's.

I have made it clear all along that she has options, and that no matter what she does (ie subtext: dump him, leave him at the altar, divorce him after 2 weeks) I am totally there for her.

But only she can ever be in charge of those decisions. And I agree with the poster who said that if you criticise him it makes her more defensive of him. I saw this when my BFs mum said a few choice words, and my BF took grave offence despite every word being true.

If you think your friend is dating the wrong man, or living with the wrong man then you could gently address it. But if she's days away from walking down the aisle then believe me, her mind is set and all you would do if you questioned it now would be to upset her and alienate her.

cupcakesandbunting · 12/08/2010 17:59

Set him a honeytrap and film it.

Is there a devil emoticon?

DameGladys · 12/08/2010 18:10

My sister has been with someone I knew was wrong for her for 10 years, married for about 3.

Last week she rang me all upset because they were breaking up.

Sad for all involved (though thankfully no children) and a horrible time for them.

But I am genuinely relieved if I'm honest. I know that sounds terrible but it'd be too boring to go into all the details.

You just have to wait it out and be there for them unless your advice is asked for. It can be a long wait.

Besom · 12/08/2010 18:24

MorrisZapp Thu 12-Aug-10 17:07:45

I am increasingly of the opinion that unless people are trying to hurl themselves off roofs or date violent abusers, you're best keeping your mouth shut about their actions and relationships.

I agree with Morris. You risk putting a distance between you and her if you say something and she chooses to ignore you. Also, she might tell him and he might start trying to dictate about her friendship with you. Better to be there to pick up the pieces.

Original poster

MrsIndianaJones2 · 12/08/2010 23:17

cupcakes - as long as I don't have to be the bait

Morris, DameG and Besom - absolutely agreed. Have had a long chat about it with my mum, and there's nothing to do but give her unfailing support, let her know she has options and just wait. And say a prayer to the BadGod to break them up...

OP posts:

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