to not want to make friends with my daughter's classmate's mothers?

[Motsa]

I am really looking forward to my daughter starting school, but do I really have to make friends with the other mothers? I don't like many of the usual topics of conversation and I loathe smalltalk as well as not usually being interested enough to initiate it. Once they get to know me they will find me irritating anyway as I am a complete troll. Will it really affect my daughter's life? Isn't it all about her anyway?

Stay away from them, they'll pretend to be your friend until they establish whether you are 'ladder climbing material'! If being your friend doesn't advance their/their dcs social status they will drop you like a stone

You're joking right?

What a strange outlook on life deciding way ahead of time NOT to be friends with people you're going to meet and spend some time with for the next 7/8 years.

You may be about to meet some great new friends who you will share the highs and lows of your child's life at school - they might help you in a crisis of childcare, they might have your child over for tea, they might all hate you but why decide before it's happened?

Life for you and your child will be a whole lot easier if you have a vague idea of whose house she is at when she's invited over , who her friend's parents are etc. You don't have to share life stories and be on each other's door steps all the time, there is a balance.

Why be so negative?

Being pleasant will reap rewards. There may be times when you need someone to take/collect from school! You don't have to be 'friends' with them. They are women like you - how do you know what topics of conversation they like? Small talk is being polite - give it a go!

Because I have met them already. I used to cry because I was lonely. I moved to a new area. I had lots of friends pre-children. Then I got involved in a group to try to be positive and then realised I am happier on my own without people thinking I am odd when I am just being myself. It is less hassle being a lone wolf than trying to fit in when I don't care about hair, clothes, make-up, film etc See, didn't take long for me to irritate someone - I said I was a troll. It comes naturally...

Why ask? You seem to have made your mind up that you don't want to anyway.

No you don't have to be their friends but a nice smile and a hello won't kill you either!

Sometimes I'll chat sometimes I won't but I do always atleast say hello to anyone I see because well it's good manners really.

Plus you never know there may be another lonely troll among them who you'd love talking too!

Who said I wasn't going to be pleasant? I said be/make friends.

blimey, OP, if the tone of your post is anything to go by I doubt it's something you will have to worry too much about...

Would it not be difficult, over the course of 7 yrs, to actually not make friends with some of them? There must surely be a couple of mums that you would have something in common with?

the thing is, there will be masses of mums there that you wont want to be friends with, but there might be the odd one or two who you like if you make an effort to get to know them. You dont have to invite them all round for wine or anything, but if you are polite and friendly to everyone, you will probably find that a couple of them are like you. fwiw I dont fit in with the norm at school either but i have found a lovely friend at the school who is a lot like me and id have never know if i hadn't made the effort to talk to her initially...

No you dont have to but it would make life easier if you were friendly.

Strange.

So what would you do when you take your DD to a classmates birthday party? Stande round watching her have fun and you not talking to any of the mums and dad's? Or just not take your dd to the party?

If you are not approchable how can other mums ask you can your DD go on a playdate or sleepover?

Just smile and say hello, it doesn't hurt honest

Two of my closest and most fantastic friends are Mums from school who I met nearly 5 years ago. I actually feel happier with my life having met them, our children get on really well and we always help each other out. You could be missing out on a really special friendship/friendships - at least give them a chance!

Now let's get this straight - are you a wolf or a troll? In a fairytale context, these things matter!

YABU by the way as you have to have small talk to start any relationship. And why so pre-emptive - is it possible that you are planning to keep yourself to yourself because you find social situations difficult? Just a thought.

Agree with Pheebe as well though - not everyone you meet is genuine - but a lot are!

You don't have to make friends with them, but if you give off a vibe of "I don't want to have anything to do with any of you" then it will affect your daughter's life as other childrens mums will find it difficult to approach you to suggest playdates/sleepovers/meeting up in the holidays/whatever. You obviously find social situations problematic, but have a think about the way other people behave and which ones you'd go up to first to suggest doing something together - the ones who smile and chat, or the ones who stand glowering in a corner?

Being determined not to make friends will not help you to be approachable. Go in with an open mind and the expectation of getting onto reasonably chatty terms with everyone. It may never get deeper than that, and no-one says it has to. But being determined not to make small-talk makes it all about you, not your daughter.

It is good to be on good terms with the other mums. You never know when you will need one another.

That's what i am afraid of sleepovers/playdates/parties/meeting up in the holidays

Then you'd better get over it if you don't want your social issues to affect your daughter's life.

Do you want her to have friends, or not? Friends invite each other over after school. Friends invite each other to their parties. Freinds want to see each other during the holidays. She will very quickly feel like the odd one out if she can never do that or accept an invitiation from someone else. And, at this age, most of the inviting is done via the parents.

Smile nicely, never bitch about anyone at all ever and you do not have to do the whole playdate thing at all.

The most popular girl in DD's class never has anyone over for tea in 6 years and never goes to tea anywhere she's too busy doing family things and training at swimming but the other girls love her to bits.

is this your first dc to be starting school motsa??

i decided to steer clear of ds2's classmates mums,simply from past experience of dd 1 and 2's time in school.....we only have til end of yr4 here to be stood at gates thankfully,as they move up to middle school then

i can kind of see where you're coming from......

You dont have to be friends with them if they ae boring or fake or mean... but how about see if they are or not first?
Maybe there will be another 'troll' there who you will connect with... she might be sat at home thinking the same thing as you right now.

Have an open mind.

Recently my mum was very seriously ill in hospital 300 miles away. I had to go up and stay for a couple of weeks. Without school mums looking after/ dropping off and generally helping out we would have been in a right pickle.

They may not be your best friends but they can provide an invaluable support network (I have more than repaid the favours). On saying that they might become your best friends. Don't shut yourself off from the beginning. You never know they may grow on you.