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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to make friends with my daughter's classmate's mothers?

67 replies

Motsa · 07/08/2010 14:48

I am really looking forward to my daughter starting school, but do I really have to make friends with the other mothers? I don't like many of the usual topics of conversation and I loathe smalltalk as well as not usually being interested enough to initiate it. Once they get to know me they will find me irritating anyway as I am a complete troll. Will it really affect my daughter's life? Isn't it all about her anyway?

OP posts:
Effjay · 07/08/2010 16:36

You seem to have already made up your mind that nobody will understand you and nobody will like you. Hmm

A school is part of a community. If you shut yourself out of it, you are going to miss out on so much and so are you children. Even if you don't want to do playdates, sleepovers, etc. they will and they will feel that they're missing out if they don't. It will be so much harder if you go into this with a negative attitude.

So get to know other mums and be nice to them, for the sake of your kids.

MrsC2010 · 07/08/2010 16:44

I always think there is a certain superiority about this sort of attitude...assuming that everyone else is more shallow and vacuous than you are etc. Why would they all only be interested in hair, make-up, films etc?

HinnyPet · 07/08/2010 16:49

Speaking as a painfully shy child, and once a very shy adult the best thing you can do if you are feeling like NOT speaking to anybody is to MAKE yourself speak to someone new. I know almost every Mums name in our Reception, because I've MADE myself. I go on coffee "dates" with so many different Mums that I now don't have time to be a miserable mare. :)

There are lots of ways to initiate conversation, you could try

I nearly bought that pushchair, is it easy to manage?

Does your little one stay for lunch?

How did your little one get on with homework?

Above all, you shouldn't bitch about other Mums that are there at the gates....doing that has a way of biting you on the bum!!!

deaddei · 07/08/2010 16:51

Aren't you going to encourage your dd to make friends- or do you have enough friends out of school?
A support network is so important as junkcollector said- I find your attitude a bit strange. Do you not want any part in school life?

thisisyesterday · 07/08/2010 16:52

i think it's a real shame you've made these sweeping judgements about them before you even meet any of them!

they may be very nice people who like you and who you like

and of course it's far easier to arrange playdates etc etc when you are on speaking terms with the parents arranged

littleshinyone · 07/08/2010 17:07

YABU

noone really likes small talk, but how else will you ever get to know if you do like them on a more meaningful level.

sarah293 · 07/08/2010 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BeenBeta · 07/08/2010 17:22

Motsa - me and DW rather take the same jaundiced view as you so YANBU.

You will meet a few people you get along with well and maybe become friends. The vast majority of people you will say hello to and nothing more.

"That's what i am afraid of sleepovers/playdates/parties/meeting up in the holidays"

Oh yes, be afraid, very afraid of that issue. Dont even go there if at all possible. Send DD to parties if invited, hold one party per year for her, leave it at that.

OrmRenewed · 07/08/2010 17:25

You could - stop me if these seems to outlandish an idea - just wait and see Hmm. You might find that one or two of them turns out to be excellent friend material. You might find that they drive you mad. But actually it doesn't matter. Be civil and pleasant and you'll be fine.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/08/2010 17:37

It's always worth getting to know who people are. Your DC might be going to their houses at some point and you may feel more comfortable with this knowing the parents who will be looking after them.
I too find it difficult to mix at the school gate - I find people make small talk to avoid inadvertantly offending someone and it is rare to break through that and have a real conversation (at least for me). That said, I am on polite and friendly terms with other parents, even though I wouldn't really call any of them friends. It does make going to parties or waiting at the school gate a nicer experience.

Vallhala · 07/08/2010 18:03

Thank God I'm not alone! Motsa, you're a woman after my own heart.

My elder child is 15. Let me assure you that the world will not come crumbling around your ears if you don't exchange tittle tattle small talk at the school gates and your children will not turn out to be feral social pariahs because of your own take on choosing your friends and aquaintances. :)

pigletmania · 07/08/2010 18:08

I would be polite and pleasent and try and make some smalltalk, but not go out of my way unless its someone that I really get on well with, which is what happened when my dd started pre school. I met a lovely mum and we are friends and see each other outside school, she is so lovely. Havent made any other friends though, but I am always polite and courtious and make an effort to say hello to some of the mums at the pre school gate.

If I make friends along the way thats lovely, if I dont I won't feel bad.

bronze · 07/08/2010 18:15

I find the assumption that you won't like everyone else at the school gates odd.

I don't want to be friends with someone just because we both have children but the odds of there being at least one person who I would get on with are pretty high

MadameBelle · 07/08/2010 18:16

You seem to be assuming that all other mothers will only be interested in small talk and other school gate topics. But you're not interested in these things. So why would all the other mothers? Maybe the other mums are assuming you'll be a stereotype and won't bother to get to know you. Crikey, give people a chance!

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/08/2010 18:47

I think you should be friendly, but you don't have to make friends if you don't want to. If you are unfriendly (by refusing to even make small talk or smile/acknowledge others) it will be harder for others to approach you to ask your daughter to things, and it will just reinforce your sense of being 'different'. You don't have to be massively interested, or even interesting yourself, to make the school run pleasant and your family as a whole approachable. Making true friends is a different matter.

Oblomov · 07/08/2010 18:59

you don't need to become best buddies. just a pleasant manner. a few pleasantries wouldn't go amiss. the will minorly help your daughters friendships, if the mothers find you pleasant. why would you not want to appear pleasant.

Oblomov · 07/08/2010 19:03

have you instilled this attitude towards friendship into your dd OP ? becasue if you have then that is bad parenting.

pigletmania · 07/08/2010 19:31

Do it for your kids, set an example to them. You want them to have friends, to be invited to other childrens houses, parties, form friendships for life, well you are going the wrong way about it I am afraid. If thats your attitude than I am afraid than its not too good. Fair enough you might be shy, not liking social situations, my dh is the same, but in life you have to made an effort, we all have to do things we dont't like for the greater good. No harm in smiling and saying hello. Than when you get more familiar try to talk about the weather, school things etc.

My dd 3.5 is like her dad very shy and does not like social situations and does not know how to initiate conversations (she is seeing SALT), she is an only child, I have gone out of my way to set an example to her, and invite children of friends round to ours. She is getting better all the time. Even the SALT has said that dd is just a shy child and thats her temperament and we are going to go on a course to improve her communication soon.

pigletmania · 07/08/2010 19:32

Even though my dh feels uncomfortable he makes an effort with people and in social situations, and once he gets going feels more at ease.

charmander · 07/08/2010 19:52

Why not get a job, send child to childminder and you never have to go to school, well apart from parents eves, concerts etc

Snobear4000 · 07/08/2010 21:07

You Are Not Being Unreasonable.

My parents never made friends with my friend's parents. It's a new trend. Fight it. We inherit our families, but we choose our friends. Keep it that way. Good for you.

FairyMum · 07/08/2010 21:20

I think you are socially awkward so you pretend not to be interested. Its not that you don't have an interest in smalltalk, you just cannot do it and you have given up. You do want to make friends with them because If you were not bothered you would not be bothered to start this thread.

ArthuriaAugustaDArcy · 07/08/2010 21:35

Motsa, I have no interest at all in clothes, make-up, film, "celebrities", etc, etc, etc. I'm sure my lack of interest in appearances is plainly evident in my own appearance. Grin Playground small talk is not my idea of fun. However, that's my problem, not my children's. So I go into their playgrounds, stand on the edge of conversations, smile in the appropriate places, and it is fine. In fact, I have even found that there are some really, really nice parents at my daughter's school, who - guess what? - like books and walking and music and the things I do like. What's more, lots of them are kind and friendly, regardless of shared (or not shared) interests. My daughter is, unlike me, a people-magnet - which makes it all the more important for me to be friendly to the parents of her friends even when I feel like hiding inside my anorak.

My son's school playground is my idea of a nightmare. But smiling nicely and being polite is not the end of the world. I have not made any friends there, and have no desire to - but, for my son's sake, nor do I wish to actively alienate anyone. I would just adopt a pleasant demeanour and get on with life without worrying about it unduly.

30andMerkin · 07/08/2010 21:43

YABU.

And you run two risks - one is that your daughter struggles to make friends because she has no example of it, or that she DOES make lots of friends and in not so many years time they become more significant influences in her life than you.

I grew up in a marginally rough area, and my parents often felt like they had nothing in common with other parents at my primary school. They're not snobs, but they are intelligent educated people who dislike small talk - and to be honest, quite a lot of people in the small village i went to primary school in were ignorant, bigoted, and full of inverted snobbery. I had friends, but I was a bit bullied in the final years because our family was seen as 'posh' and their increasing remoteness from the community was part of that.

My parents worked very hard to send me to private school in a better area. Suddenly my friends' parents were successful, white-collar, university educated types who read the same books as my mother. My best friend's family were incredibly open and generous, and I spent a huge amount of time in their house, even going on holiday with them etc. They certainly weren't snobbish - more working-class-made-good types, and would never have looked down on our family for earning less money. Yet my parents never made the effort to be social with them, and I found it quite hurtful. I'm sure they found it damn rude. As a result, I saw that their sociable life seemed quite frankly a lot more fun that my anti-social parents, spent ever-increasing amounts of time with them, and I have carried a lot of their values into adulthood.

I know that's a bit long, but might be of interest.

Snobear4000 · 07/08/2010 22:02

BeenBeta...

LOL at "jaundiced view". If I meet you at the school gates can we be friends?

OP: I found that even with my best efforts at ignoring everyone, I could not but help discovering at least one or two people who were "cut from a similar cloth" as myself. Will admit that in spite of my anti-social and snobby leanings I did make a couple of friends.

You can tell by the shoes, normally, who you're going to get along with.