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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be FURIOUS at Dh for quitting his job?

88 replies

scouserabroad · 07/08/2010 13:48

Well it's in the title really... Dh came home from work yesterday & said that he'd given them a month's notice because he hates his job. He won't be entitled to unemployement benefit because he left his job voluntarily, and he's not got another job to go to.

We have two small DC, and I have recently finished retraining after being a SAHM and now work full time but it's only a temp contract.

Now HE'S in a mood because I was angry (I didn't shout or anything, but he somehow guessed I was angry!) and he says he didn't need to warn me he was quitting because it's his decision. I don't disagree BTW, but he could have stayed at work until he found something else, or until I did.

AIBU to be fuming at him? Or should I be more supportive?

OP posts:

BigBoldAndBeautiful · 07/08/2010 16:58

Could he try contracting temporary roles while he searches for another permanent role?

Once the dust has settled a little...

I think you need to question why he thinks that he is entitled to make a decision like this which affects the whole family and not discuss it with you first?

How would he respond if you did something similar without discussing it?

There is something you can learn about him/you and your relationship from this, don't ignore or dismiss this opportunity.

blueshoes · 07/08/2010 17:29

scouser, is your dh's actions generally out of character? They sound like they might be since you describe him as a reliable employee (apart from the shock quitting of course).

Could he be depressed? Possible some people put up a wall when they become depressed.

nooka · 07/08/2010 17:59

My dh has done this twice too. The first time he was out of work for almost a year and very lucky to find an equivalent role again, and the more recent time he is still not working almost two years later. Both times he just lost his temper really.

The first time we were both in jobs we hated, the difference being I tried very hard to find a new job and did in the end get one (I had a boss who was known to throw chairs at people, so understand the unreasonable thing) whereas he just got more and more down about his until he'd had enough. Things weren't good at home, but I was very irritated about it.

This time he got into a huge row after only 8 days, we were totally dependent on the job (had just immigrated), but he was very stressed. So I was supportive, but really fairly flabbergasted.

I'm not an impulsive person so I find it hard to understand how dh gets himself into the position where quitting seems like the only option.

Bobbalina · 07/08/2010 18:03

Do you have substantial savings available if you need them?

Oblomov · 07/08/2010 18:06

He will have to take a temporary position in the meantime. a friend of our has just taken a driving job. atleast in brings in a few hundred per week. betetr than nothing, whilst he looks.
dh took a temporary postion on half his salary. before long they realised how good he was and what he could bring to the table. he doubled his salary,back to his norm and is now perm. these things do happen.

MadameBelle · 07/08/2010 18:08

OP YANBU. I would be beyond speechless if my dh did this without talking it through with me first, at length. It may be that the right thing to do was for him to quit his job, even with nothing else to go to (if his mental health was at serious risk for example) but to make a decision like this which affects the whole family is shocking and irresponsible.

And as a previous poster said, it is much easier to get a job from a job. Would it be possible for him to go in on Monday and retract his resignation if necessary?

fluffles · 07/08/2010 18:17

BaggedandTagged bad jobs or bad management can and often do cause people to lose their mental health and even physical health.

It is better to get out now if that is a risk. Even washing dishes or shovelling shit can be better than being in a situation which undermines your confidence and sense of self until you don't know who you are anymore and can't apply for a new job as you don't have the confidence.

The problem is that long-term unemployment can also erode self-esteem but if this were my DH it would be so out of character and so worrying that i would assume it was for the best and an act of self-preservation.

I would be angry because of the shock.. but i would get over that so long as he was actively seeking new work, helping out generally in the home and taking over childcare if he was home.

katiestar · 07/08/2010 18:35

Depends so much on the circumstances.'hating' a job can mean anything between finding it very boring, to being bullied or pressurised to a point where it is making you ill.Also depends on what line of work he is in.
I am not sure the job market is a s bad as all that.i started looking for a job after my youngest started school fulltime in January and was set up within a couple of weeks.
the thing to do (as I'm sure you know) is to write to employers on spec rather than apply for a job where you're up against loads of others

minipie · 07/08/2010 18:40

YANBU

Even if his job is utterly horrible, even if he needed to quit in order to find another one, even if quitting was the right thing to do for many many reasons....

... he still should have discussed it with you first. It's a massive decision that affects you all and so should be discussed - even if the end decision is his.

"he says he didn't need to warn me he was quitting because it's his decision"

Oblomov · 07/08/2010 18:45

Its not a good sign that OP said her dh was already looking and had not found anything. that doesn't bode well for the next few months.

expatinscotland · 07/08/2010 18:47

YANBU. Unless you've in a very in-demand field or how low expenses or lots of savings, it's irresponsible to do this when the other person only has a temp job and you have a young family to support.

Life when you have kids isn't just about you anymore.

You have to buck up and find something else, even part-time before jacking in a job.

That's how it is.

If DH did that we'd be fucked. As in getting evicted, forced insolvency fucked.

Ditto if I were the one with a perm job and did that.

It's about mutual respect and respect for your family.

SugarMousePink · 07/08/2010 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katiestar · 07/08/2010 19:05

A few years ago a woman in our village came home to find her DH swinging from a beam.He had depression stemming from work.I am betting his wife and kids wish he had just quit

expatinscotland · 07/08/2010 19:07

A few weeks ago, the family in the one-bedroom, loaded with damp homeless flat below us were evicted. She wishes her husband hadn't just quit his job.

TotorosOcarina · 07/08/2010 19:10

PMSL @ someone quoting 'Dr Phil'

hahahah

expatinscotland · 07/08/2010 19:21

When Dr Phil comes over and pays our bills, keeps the heating on in Scottish winter, food to feed the kids, pays the rent and council tax, then I'll take cues from him on how to live my life. Until then, we need jobs to do that.

katiestar · 07/08/2010 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

expatinscotland · 07/08/2010 19:31

katie, thank you for personally insulting me over a net post.

the implication that the OPs husband will automatically kill himself from job stress honestly doesn't do her any favours.

you don't have a clue, either, what her circumstances are, but the implication in your post that if her husband commits suicide it's her fault due to not being supportive of his walking out of the job is, IMO, as any offense you may have found in my post.

but carry on being personally insulting.

it's become very commonplace around here.

ItsGraceActually · 07/08/2010 19:32

This is about my old boss. My H didn't understand (or care enough) how damaging my job had become to me. He said he'd support me if I quit, but never got around to discussing how we'd manage financially. I'm not comparing any of the posters here to XH, who was truly horrible in many ways. But ...

I'll just say it's quite possible OP's H didn't tell her because he knew she'd try to stop him resigning.

expatinscotland · 07/08/2010 19:33

and, FWIW, i have myself tried to commit suicide. i'm well aware of the emotions surrounding it.

racmac · 07/08/2010 20:00

itsgraceactually - that was pretty shit - i hope you feel ok now

ItsGraceActually · 07/08/2010 20:06

Cheers :) It's a long haul back.

Morloth · 07/08/2010 20:06

When you have kids you suck it up until you can find something better.

nasdaq · 07/08/2010 20:09

ItsGraceactually - it is so sad that so many hr staff do nothing about bullying, absolutely nothing, they just want to protect the company - and add to the bullying.

I am so sorry for your experience.

expatinscotland · 07/08/2010 20:10

Well, now that it's all done, scouser, how long have you got left on your contract? Is there a chance of perm work?

Until then, since he's staying at home, have you discussed which tasks and chores he'll be doing whilst he's not working and/or his strategy for finding a new job, his expectations for work (that he's willing to do anything to keep the wolf from the door, for example), a budget?

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