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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

T think DP is being utterly pathetic about school trousers?

83 replies

MrsTWay · 05/08/2010 12:49

DP and I have only been living together for just under a year. He has an 11 year old DD who lives with us and I have a 9 year old DS. I have a Next catalogue and DP expressed a wish to buy his DD some school trousers from it. Normally I would never allow anyone to get credit in my name but for £12 each it would hardly get me in debt so I agreed. I always bought DS's school trousers from asda for about £5 each and said to DP that I wouldn't buy his from Next as they were too expensive, at 9 he would grow out of them and wreck them too fast. He agreed. However when his DD's trousers arrived I thought they were lovely, great quality and well worth the money so I decided to buy DS some from Next too rather than asda. His were only £9 each so not that much more than what I'd pay in asda.
I never thought to mention it to DP because a) its my catalogue. b) its my own money and c) its hardly a massive issue is it??
Anyway DP has kicked off saying it is totally unfair that DS also has trousers from Next as his DD has had to wait until she's at secondary school to get "expensive" trousers and so should DS!!! Isn't that totally pathetic??? I have only recently moved in so its hardly my fault that she has never had decent school trousers and why shouldn't I buy DS some from my own catalogue if I want to?? why should he have to wait until he's in secondary school just because DP never bought his DD some when she was younger???
And does it really matter where we buy the school trousers from???

Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CerealOffender · 05/08/2010 13:32

just dump him

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 13:37

If he is like I think he is, it is the conflict he thrives on. Everything is an opportunity to prove he is superior. There is never any peace because he doesn't want peace, he wants supremacy and control.

You are deluded, foolish, hormonal, biased, jealous, incompetent by any chance?

BonzoDoodah · 05/08/2010 13:39

I'd just talk to him about this - set some ground rules and work on how you can treat the DCs equally. He's obviously got some issues but they don't sound bad enough (yet) to cause problems if you start talking about them. Maybe start challenging him when he makes comparrisons like inferring that his DD is suitable for uni and DS is not. Don't let it pass - just ask him why he thinks that- make him justify his assumptions.
And maybe sit and talk about the rules FROM NOW .... all sorts of things happened differently to the two children when you were living apart. That's life. NOW you are together and one family they should be treated equally from now. If one gets x-School clothes the other should as you can afford it now and that is fair - if one gets the key and the other is sensible enough to get one then that's fair. I'm sure you can work this out. And if not and he starts getting stroppy - then take it as a warning. I hope it doesn't come to that.

CerealOffender · 05/08/2010 13:53

he doesn't mix with her friends, he thinks her ds should join the arms (ffs). he is a tight wad who things you can give a child a torn dressing gown for christmas. yep, a cup of tea and a wee chat will have this relationship fixed in no time

AnyFucker · 05/08/2010 13:53

"Won't mix with your friends becaus eh doesn't like them"

red flag

OP, I hope you are still mixing with your friends...or is he trying to control that too ?

horridhobo · 05/08/2010 13:54

Umm - this is definitely a control thing on his part. I think he sounds like the sort of person who has to tightly control every part of other people's lives.....I would be very careful if I were you. Could get nasty.

thumbwitch · 05/08/2010 14:03

oh I don't like the sound of this one at all. Far too many red flags flying here. At least he cheapskates on his DD as well as your DS, so it's not exactly favouring his DD (poor girl though!) - but he sounds supremely selfish. Not my idea of a good life partner.

Mine is tight but not cheapskatey and I can just about cope with it - because if needs must he will spend out. He is not wasteful and would never fritter all his money on toys and takeaways and then whinge about a few pounds extra being spent on the DC. This is being Careful With Your Money and is generally a Good Thing - your P, otoh, just wants to keep it all for his own purposes.

Do you really want to be with him? Does your DS like him? Is he good to your DS (apart from financially)?

sapphireblue · 05/08/2010 14:43

I thnk there's more to his behaviour than just being a cheapskate tbh. He's acting very childishly and if he acts like this about everything, then I think you're going to find him very hard to live with.

BonzoDoodah · 05/08/2010 14:45

CerealOffender - we don't know the full story and it is really easy to jump on the bandwagon of "dump him". I was giving a constructive perspective to add to the valid advice already given here.

Colliecross · 05/08/2010 14:55

Serious advice - from one who learnt the hard way;
Keep money in your own name, not a joint account.
Keep all receipts for joint bills etc.
Don't buy/borrow on his behalf.

Keep seeing your friends, whether he likes them or not.

GeekOfTheWeek · 05/08/2010 15:03

Hes a dick.

Get rid.

You son will lead a miserable existence if this prick has his way.

MathsMadMummy · 05/08/2010 15:06

OP - sorry to be flouncy but did you read my post at 13:22?

this could be fixable, IMVHO

BonzoDoodah · 05/08/2010 15:47

well said MMM

SandStorm · 05/08/2010 16:08

Actually, it sounds more like his dd has had to wait until you've moved in to get the more expensive trousers - nothing to do with her age.

However, tbh, I'm more concerned that a 9 year old child is coming home to an empty house on a regular enough basis to warrant having his own key. Isn't there someone he could go home with on those days?

fedupofnamechanging · 05/08/2010 16:21

This is very worrying. There is no way I would be allowing a man who is not even the father of my child to tell me what I can and cannot buy for said child. You owe it to your ds to do what is in his best interests and I really think this man is not going to be good for either of you. I would cut my losses at this point, but if you are going to stay, then please, please take the advice given by colliecross to keep your own bank account and receipts. Don't become financially tied with this man.

spiritmum · 05/08/2010 17:13

Mrs T, I really feel for you. This isn't a situation that I've been in and I can only imagine hwo you feel.

At first it sounded like he was being overcautious in trying to treat both dc the same. However, his comments about yoru ds 'needing discipline' etc sounds like this is more a jealousy issue, either of your ds or ds' father. Does he think that in some way ds being as good as his dd reflects badly in him, on his fathering, even on his masculinity?

Does your ds know what your dp says about him?

What do you think your ds is learning as he grows up in this family?

How would it be if instead of having a chat about budgeting, house rules, 'ages when' etc, you sat down and told dp that you've noticed that he seems to be jealous of your ds and seems incapable of being kind about him? You can do this in a kind way; tell him that he has nothing to be insecure about. Do you think this might help you to get some clarity? School trousers seem to be a symptom, not the cause.

MathsMadMummy · 05/08/2010 17:16

yes, do it in a sensitive way IMO. people can't help being jealous sometimes you need to be open about it in order to change it though.

see if you can have a proper discussion about it without either of you being defensive. sort out the more practical points like the budget after that, and see if things improve

MostlyLurking · 05/08/2010 17:26

Run very fast and don't look back, get out now whilst you still can.

HerBeatitude · 05/08/2010 17:51

Sorry but there are far too many red flags here.

He's mean - probably less sexy than almost any other vice.

He's antagonistic towards your DS - this will get worse as your DS gets older and challenges his status as chief male in the house. That "throw him into the army" thing is really, really disturbing - it's what masses of stepfathers with hostility to their stepsons want to do. The army has a disproportionately high number of soldiers who have come from homes where there was either no father present, or there were stepfathers. It's not a co-incidence. Just on that alone, I would be feeling alarm.

He's got an idiotic idea about treating children equally, irrespective of their needs. I don't treat my 2 children the same, because they don't have the same needs, attitudes or personalities - they are individuals and I treat them on an individual basis.

And he's a control freak who refuses to integrate into your life and your friendships but expects you to fit in to his and accept his views and his ideas. YOu haven't said whether the absurd rules (eg key) were jointly agreed or whether he just laid the law down and you went along with it for a quiet life.

All looks pretty unattractive to me.

QueenStromba · 05/08/2010 18:15

I'm not normally one to hop on the dump him bandwagon but he does sound really controlling which is never good in a relationship. Is he like this in other respects or just with regards to your son?

pranma · 05/08/2010 18:32

I agree-time to call it a day with this man or at least go back to separate establishments before he damages your ds.Stay friends if you like but he is not a 'partner'.

dolphin13 · 05/08/2010 18:47

The op hasn't been back since 13.28 when Colliecross asked if she lived in Devon.

Hope she comes back and lets us know. That would be so freaky if it's the same man.

ChippingIn · 05/08/2010 20:26

MrsTWay - I'm sorry, but this man sounds very controlling and not the type of man I would want to be in a relationship with.

Money aside - what grounds does he have for saying your son is not as clever as his daughter and his grades don't mean as much/she will get into uni he wont?

Frankly, I'd be working out the best way to get out of there.

prozacfairy · 05/08/2010 20:37

OMG how old is he? YANBU and I hope you tell him where to go!

Some people have such an easy life they have to go looking for problems.

FranSanDisco · 05/08/2010 20:41

Get your catalogue and your ds and run for the hills.

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